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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there hope for me?

109 replies

FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 19:14

It's New Years Eve again another alone.

I have BPD, I get paranoid, I guess you could say I'm needy.

I joined POF, a guy I started talking to just this week sent me a message saying, not ignoring you, really like you some bad news etc., Says someone in his family had a stroke.

Yet, when I sign in he is online and I have heard nothing from him, my head tells me that he is messing, why? Because if he was interested he would just say Hi, yet nothing.

I can't do with players, my emotional state just cannot handle it, its like when someone shows an interest for me that's it, and I go full swing, then it's like when they stop I get all tearful, think it's cos I'm fat, cos a lot of me don't reply cos I'm a size 14 and 20lb overweight.

Will I always be an emotional cripple? Am I destined to just be alone.

I feel tearful tonight, I'd love a cuddle, just someone to watch a DVD with. I've not had a cuddle for 20 months then before that 6 months, then before that 3 years.

Am I now too old at 47 to find someone?

I dunno.

I have upped my doseage of anti-psychotics so I just feel numb all the time.

I haven't name changed because I don't do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 20:03

I miss having a friend someone to talk to when Im feeling needy or in danger of doing something silly, if I had a sounding board it be easier someone to say hang on you arse don't be stupid.

OP posts:
flatbellyfella · 31/12/2011 20:05

Size 14 & Fat ? On your profile pic: you look like a skinny chick Fabby. Maybe I should move to Hampshire.Xmas Grin

TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 20:05

You could use mn as a sounding board, if you were supportive of others, or if you name change. It's nothing to be ashamed of, many people who have partners, me included, still use mn...

scottishmummy · 31/12/2011 20:05

what would your magic wand question be?what do you want
how do you want to proceed?
on practical level do you feel that you need to see cmht or psychiatrist again if symptomatically you feel increasingly paranoid?
are your meds at adequate level?

you live with your diagnosis,your know your own triggers /cues by now and need to self regulate and work within what works

LesbianMummy1 · 31/12/2011 20:06

where abouts in hampshire are you? there may be some mumsnetters near you

TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 20:06

I also think you don't give yourself yourself credit, you are more than capable of reining yourself in and asking for support, so you are halfway there.

ebbandflow · 31/12/2011 20:07

This probably sounds silly Fab-have you considered dating someone who also has BPD? Might work through shared experiences. Not meaning to offend, have a friend with depression who is going out with someone with BPD and it kind of works.

SarahStratton · 31/12/2011 20:08

You have us.

Fab, I have no friends in RL. Not one, not a single friend I could call and talk to, ask for advice, nobody. All I have is my very small family. That's out of choice as I have massive trust issues. I use Mumsnet like a great big permanent coffee morning, full of lovely people who give great advice and make me laugh.

That probably sounds a bit pathetic.

But the thing is, being on here for a year, talking to everyone, has given me the confidence to realise that I was going nowhere, that I needed to re-establish my life and start looking out for myself more. And suddenly I find that I can do these things, and that I will make a good, new life for myself.

All these friends that are here for me, are my only friends. And they are here for you too.

Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 20:08

When I thought he was a messer I felt so sad, I felt needy like I needed attention some confimation he did like me. Im only like this with men, maybe I need to just be on my own, but that is so unfair.

I take anti-d's they are at an adequate level, and anti=psychotics for the paranoia I was on 1mg Ive just started taking double dosege today. But they do make you not feel which isnt a bad thing. Im no longer under a psychiatrist or anybody just the GP for the meds. Im high functioning don't self harm etc.,

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 31/12/2011 20:09

Some courses aer cheap. Dancing or some gyms also, though you have to be toleerant of some types of (creepy) men who go to dance classes.

Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 20:10

Im in Portsmouth.

I really do appreciate all comments whether nice or not, I know I can be a bitch.

OP posts:
LesbianMummy1 · 31/12/2011 20:11

fabby can you access private messages? they appear in an envelope at the top of this page if so I will send you one

flatbellyfella · 31/12/2011 20:11

That was a great posting Sarah, lots of us are in the same position as you.

StickAForkInMeImDone · 31/12/2011 20:15

Ditto Sarah.

Wishing you a good year ahead Fabby. Think of 2012 as the year you concentrate on you.

Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 20:16

Yeah Ive a friend on here so I know private messages thanks Les.

Sarahs post was cool, maybe if I change some of my posting I might make some friends, but if I totally changed I'd no longer make people splutter with their tea.

OP posts:
LesbianMummy1 · 31/12/2011 20:18

Have sent you one

scottishmummy · 31/12/2011 20:21

whats the deal with your posting style?I dint know if anyone can repress post style but I do think ability to chins up if you get it wrong

DressingGownSnowQueen · 31/12/2011 20:23

I will boak in your bucket sarah, but it is all true.

Fabby I have seen you be very very direct with people, but I have also seen you be kind.

I hope this year is your year.

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 20:23

IRL - I think yo u would be great fun to be with.

Written media isnt for all of us - I know I often come ascross as abrasive too.

Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 20:25

I am a fun bubbly character in rl, but that could be because im so excited to not be alone x

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 31/12/2011 20:29

Ahh Fab, I hope I make people splutter, I love making people laugh. :)

Just think before you press 'post', think as if you are the OP not yourself, and ask yourself if it would upset you.

Obviously, if they're utter morons, or trolls, that doesn't count. Grin

flatbellyfella · 31/12/2011 20:29

I think a meet up in Portsmouth is needed ,Tea at the Spinaker Tower anyone?

teahouse · 31/12/2011 20:31

FC - I've been an LP for over 10 years and am 46 shortly - not had a proper relationship for over 6 years. This is yet another new year alone but I have a great book, a huge bed and a rather nice glass of wine...why would I want anything more?

If someone turns up in my life then great, but 2011 was the year I decided that worrying about being alone for the rest of my life was just pointless. There are far worse things, like being in a cr*p relationship, and I'm determined to be the best-dressed singleton around. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I have to stop looking as good as I can; and I can do it just because I want to. Learn to embrace a bit of selfishness I say...no one can say whether someone will pop into your life or not, but you can take some control over what you have, and start to learn to like (not necessarily love) having time just for you.

Can't say my journey to this point has been easy but I am no longer scared of being on my own until I die (although I did get rid of my cats so they didn't eat me if my body wasn't found for a while ;o). It is hard dealing with lonliness but I have learnt to embrace weekend mornings listening to the radio, solitary walks to the shops stopping at a cafe for coffee and a browse through the papers, and the luxury of pure silence.

Good luck. I have to say I appear to be pretty unusual as nearly every singleton I know has found someone within four years of their divorce, so don't give up thinking someone if out there for you - they probably are but in the meantime be good to yourself, your your own sake.

overthehillmum · 31/12/2011 20:31

Flabby, I lurk a lot and I think you are honest and to the point (blunt). I don't always agree with you but this board would be boring without you. Hope you feel more up beat soon.

LesbianMummy1 · 31/12/2011 20:32

We have Portsmouth meet ups which Fabby is welcome to join us at