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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there hope for me?

109 replies

FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 19:14

It's New Years Eve again another alone.

I have BPD, I get paranoid, I guess you could say I'm needy.

I joined POF, a guy I started talking to just this week sent me a message saying, not ignoring you, really like you some bad news etc., Says someone in his family had a stroke.

Yet, when I sign in he is online and I have heard nothing from him, my head tells me that he is messing, why? Because if he was interested he would just say Hi, yet nothing.

I can't do with players, my emotional state just cannot handle it, its like when someone shows an interest for me that's it, and I go full swing, then it's like when they stop I get all tearful, think it's cos I'm fat, cos a lot of me don't reply cos I'm a size 14 and 20lb overweight.

Will I always be an emotional cripple? Am I destined to just be alone.

I feel tearful tonight, I'd love a cuddle, just someone to watch a DVD with. I've not had a cuddle for 20 months then before that 6 months, then before that 3 years.

Am I now too old at 47 to find someone?

I dunno.

I have upped my doseage of anti-psychotics so I just feel numb all the time.

I haven't name changed because I don't do that.

OP posts:
TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 19:45

Well you've come out of it, so that's great. Now you just got to get past the paranoia. A year can make a massive difference. Maybe this time next year, you'll be happily ensconced with a partner.

Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 19:45

You see I never see it as nasty, I see it as being direct and honest, and not sugar coating. Some people are a danger to themselves when they post. Some of the things they post are so trivial considering how some people live. I have tamed my posts down a lot.

OP posts:
namechangerbat · 31/12/2011 19:45

Actually I changed my name 4 weeks ago when I discovered I was pregnant - as didnt want to use my normal MN nick name as I'm identifiable through twitter and Facebook with that name. Thanks.

TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 19:46

I know it sounds silly, but you have to give in order to receive...

Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 19:47

Ive deleted myself from POF its clear Im just not ready.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysmincepies · 31/12/2011 19:48

From what I've gleaned from the various 'dating' sites on these boards, there's a lot of dossers, tossers, and arseholes on POF, Fabby, and, while there might be 'plenty', there's plenty that need throwing back.

Why not forget him and that site and try another like guardian soul mates (not sure I've got that right?) which tends to get better reviews than POF.

No need to despair - 50 is the new 30. Can you not get out and about in rl so that at least you get to see a selection in the flesh?

If it has to be the internet, regard it as if you are conducting interviews for the privileged position of handyman and gofer paramour to Ms Chic. Draw up a shortlist and don't invest any emotion in any of the candidates until you've ensured that they have the qualities they've claimed on their cvs.

Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 19:48

Congratulations on your pregnancy, kids are awesome.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 31/12/2011 19:49

FAbby, I sympathise. wouldn't CBT help? or some specific form of councelling? And yes, singles have to make an effort joining something (course, club etc) - might be boring to start with but worth it if you meet people there. I think web dating is a nightmare for people with paranoid tendencies, even those who's not normally anxious can develop this! you need to be v.thick-skinned and not take anything personally on dating sites/dates.

TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 19:49

But mn is open to everyone and some people want to post about trivial matters. Sometimes I post about serious stuff and sometimes I don't. Think you need to find a lighter side. I'm sure it's very hard with depression but being serious all time doesn't help anyone. Sometimes triviality can be a break or a breath of fresh air from the more serious issues everyone is dealing with on a day to day basis.

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 19:49

He didn't block me, he deleted his profile. I've two accounts, both say the same, he didn't know the other account so he couldn't have blocked that!

It's not you then is it? So it's (from your OP) paranoia on your part.

Im sure many people meet SOs on dating sites, and for some it's a good way forward. But Fabby you are such a character, you would do yourself a better service 'getting out there' and doing face-to-face stuff.

You posted once you didnt have a relationship for 15years after you husband left you because you woudlnt date with a child in the house.

That wouldnt stop you now joining groups - that could be self help - or indeed hobby groups or even doing charity work.

But as someone with admitted MH disoreder - you are quite judgemental and accusatory to others at times. To the point of malovelance. You need to develop some social skills and remember other people who post have feelings and emotions too. It's not all about YOU

TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 19:50

50 is the new 30. Or at least I'm hoping :)

TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 19:53

People tend not to want negativity in their lives, think most people have enough inside themselves.

LeBOF · 31/12/2011 19:55

Troisgarcons- it's 'malevolence' (I think)...ma love lance sounds like something Matthew McConachey would threaten you with Grin

Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 19:55

I do need social skills! I definately lack them.

I was getting schema therapy but it lasted a year one hour a week, CBT is not good enough for a personality transplant which is what Schema therapy is.

YOu have to reverse the negative and become positive.

I should have tried to stick at it. But had to leave.

Getting a job has helped.

OP posts:
Ohgreatnowwhat · 31/12/2011 19:57

I know somebody else in a similar situation she was single for 9 years but is coming o see me tonight with her partner of just over a year and they are both very happy.

TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 19:58

Job must definitely help. Positivity is the only way I think. Have you tried any self help books?

LeBOF · 31/12/2011 19:59

Could you try the Schema again?

TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 19:59

I think putting yourself in others positions is the best starting point to developing social skills.

ninah · 31/12/2011 19:59

I dunno but I am on my own too (44) and xmas/ny is a challenge
size 14 is not fat.

likeatonneofbricks · 31/12/2011 20:00

that's painfully slow (one hour per week for a year!). there must be other options, more intense.

likeatonneofbricks · 31/12/2011 20:00

intensive

SarahStratton · 31/12/2011 20:01

Mostly I find you refreshingly honest, if a little 'warts n all'. There are far, far nastier posters on here than you, Fab. And 14 is fine, nothing at all wrong with a size 14.

But you have to stop coming across as so needy on those sites. Needy women make most men run a mile. And the ones that don't run are the sort you definitely don't want to be messing with. Everyone on here told me to avoid POF like the plague, as there's so many players on there. Sit back, let things run their course. Make them come to you.

Seriously, you get what you pay for. I'd not bother with GSM, unless you are in the South East. And like arty farty eco types. Definitely wasn't for me.

Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 20:02

I could pay for it, but not yet, working after being out of work for a good few years is a struggle, bills to pay etc,

Thing is I like being alone after work during the week but weekends are a pita.

If I tried a course Id have to pay and money is tight at the moment.

OP posts:
TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 20:02

Happy new year fabby, hoping 2012 is your year.

Tinselrella · 31/12/2011 20:02

I think it's all a bit unnecessary giving Fabby a hard time on this thread. She has after all posted on NYE, bearing her soul and sounds just a little bit vulnerable. I know some of you may think well if she can dish it out she can take it, but why not just be the bigger person and leave someone who is feeling vulnerable alone?

Fabby, from what I have heard PoF is full of chancres, players & wankers. Probably not the place place if you're looking for something more than a quick shag. I really don't know the Internet dating world but I am sure others can give you some suggestions of where else to try.

Be kind to yourself. This time of the year can make us look at ourselves a little too closely than is comfortable.

47 pffft! Tis nothing. Look ahead and welcome in 2012 with hope and spirit.