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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My OH is being recalled to prison in 2hrs time - I reported him...

80 replies

vanillaskinnylatte · 30/12/2011 12:46

and feel awful about it now. I'm weakening and feel like calling his probation officer or the police to retract my statement. He has a month left on his licence so will serve that and then he will need to go to court after that in relation to the charge that I am currently bringing against him. He attacked me with a knife and threatened to kill me...and he was holding our 10mth old at the time.

Am I doing the right thing here?

OP posts:

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 30/12/2011 12:49

Are you concerned for your safety when he gets out? Is that what you mean?

You know threatening anyone with a knife is not okay, and holding a child anywhere a knife is not okay, and saying he will kill you is not okay.

You are doing the right thing.

busybusybust · 30/12/2011 12:49

He attached you with a knife, whilst holding your baby son - and you seriously have to ask if you've done the right thing?????????????????

(Put it this way, next time he just might kill the pair of you!)

FoxyRevenger · 30/12/2011 12:50

Of course you are doing the right thing!!

A man who would attack you with a knife, whilst you are holding a baby, has no right to his liberty.

How awful for you. But you are not responsible for this mess, he is.

greygirl · 30/12/2011 12:50

I think you need to stick to your guns here. He attacked you and threatened you. He is very likely to do it again. You don't owe him anything - he messed up your relationship (by doing this at the very least!).

I don't know your circumstances but you have beem through a difficult experience, which will cause all sorts of doubts I am sure. He attacked you, he deserves to have the consequences.
have a hug from me.

ladywithnomanors · 30/12/2011 12:53

Of course you're doing the right thing. Don't retract your statement. Have nothing more to do with him - you have to think of your baby.

mumblechum1 · 30/12/2011 12:55

Of course you're doing the right thing. It may also be sensible to try to obtain an injunction/restraining order for when he gets out so that if there's any trouble he'll get hauled off to gaol again until he learns his lesson.

Xales · 30/12/2011 12:56

I can't believe you even have to ask if you are doing the right thing.

If he had actually injured you or killed you with that knife where would your son be? Without a mother!

I can't believe you are still referring to him as your OH! I am severely hoping that is just a term you are using and not that you still consider this violent extremely dangerous man to actually be your Other Half and to let him any where back near you and your DC.

If you continue with him as a OH you will end up with your child taken away from you for his safety or dead or both!

Xales · 30/12/2011 12:57

Why was he in prison the first time?

Original poster

vanillaskinnylatte · 30/12/2011 13:03

yes i know im doing the right thing deep down but it has been very hard for me to do. I feel like I cant breathe and Im watching the clock as his appointment with probation is at 3pm and then he will find out that I have reported him. I left my flat (which I own) a week ago because I just needed to get out. After the attack I have been so frightened and so last Tues I legged it with the baby and came to stay with my folks. I have been trying to get him out of my hair for months - which is why he attacked me in the first place.

Since last Tues I have given him ample opportunity to leave my flat but he has refused. He threatened suicide twice and then also told me many times that he had left the flat and was sleeping in the park...which he lied about because a few hours later he was calling from my house phone. The only way I could really get him out and ensure mine and the baby's safety was to report the attack. He probably thinks I dont have it in me to do so...but my son is the most important person in my life and I cant have someone so clearly out of control around him.

I know he is no longer my OH. I just said OH out of habit...its been over 6yrs so its all very strange. I just cant believe it has come to this....

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 30/12/2011 13:04

I am confused as to what you're asking.

But I'll tell you something - this man most definitely WILL KILL YOU if you don't do absolutely everything in your power to get him out and keep him out of your life.

Use every real life resource and support you can. Presumably you are in touch with SS, women's aid, the police about this? (can others help here, I'm not that clued up on all this?)

I really do not kow what else to say.

PetiteRaleuse · 30/12/2011 13:05

Poor OP it sounds like your 'OH' has some kind of power over you.

Yes you did the right thing - anyone from the outside looking in will tell you that, but sometimes when you're in a situation like that it is hard to see things clearly.

Stick to your guns, don't back down, and please try and work out while he is away how you can protect yourself and your child in the future when he leaves prison. That will involve removing him completely from your life.

That may seem hard to think about right now but it will be for your own and your child's good, safe future.

Good luck OP

GypsyMoth · 30/12/2011 13:13

Of course it's right!

By why wasn't he arrested as soon as you reported it? When did you report it?

HolofernesesHead · 30/12/2011 13:17

Yes yes yes you have done the right thing. Just imagine if it was a friend saying the same thing to you - what advice would you give someone you care about in that situation? But yes of course it is scary and heartbreaking to have to report him. Is there anyone you can be with for the next few days to be looked after, and have you got friends or family who can help you with your dc?

You've had a huge trauma and a really tough decision to make - you need to be kind to yourself.

Original poster

vanillaskinnylatte · 30/12/2011 13:18

the police have been very helpful actually and they have put me in touch with a charity that can help organise any injunctions or restraining orders. They are also giving me some sort of panic alarm and even offered emergency accomodation if I felt too scared being at my home or at my parents place.

OP posts:

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 30/12/2011 13:20

You are being incredibly brave. Well done you.

RandomMess · 30/12/2011 13:21

Actually it sounds like whilst he in inside this time you need to disappear, a new name, new start it sounds like he will come after you time and time again

What will happen if he doesn't turn up at 3pm?

Original poster

vanillaskinnylatte · 30/12/2011 13:21

i reported it yesterday but they thought it easier to wait for him to go to his probation appt this afternoon. Less confrontational that way I guess...

I just feel so sad that it has happened and I wish that he could change but I know that he wont. I accept that he is not a man I can be with going forward and so I will have to focus all my energy on my son now. I've left him so many times but taken him back...but the knife attack really was the last straw for me. I know these things escalate so next time I will be seriously hurt or worse...

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:

scarletforya · 30/12/2011 13:22

You've done the right thing OP. Hold strong and think of your baby. x

Original poster

vanillaskinnylatte · 30/12/2011 13:23

well he has to turn up - if he doesnt there is a warrant out for his arrest and the police will ring me to let me know and get me somewhere safe. But he has no reason not to turn up as he only has a month left (was on probation for 3yrs)

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/12/2011 13:26

I hope it goes well and am pleased to hear that the police will ring you and let you know if he doesn't. I hope 2012 is a new start for you and your dc.

catherinea1971 · 30/12/2011 13:28

Well done, you really have done the right thing, you have to protect your baby and yourself.
What was he on probation for?
I am pleased that you understand if he gets the chance to have another go at you the consequences could be tragic. Good luck and stay strong. :)

Flimflammery · 30/12/2011 13:29

You've just done what you needed to do to protect yourself and your baby. He sounds extremely dangerous, especially if he threatened suicide. I hope you take all the help offered to you and stay safe.

Xales · 30/12/2011 13:33

Good for you!

If you are on the Surrey/Hampshire border and don't mind a disgustingly messy house you are welcome to a bed here for a few nights if you desperately need.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 30/12/2011 13:39

You have done absolutely the right thing. Well done. Now as soon as he is back inside get the restraining orders in place.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/12/2011 13:40

You have done the right thing - and a very brave thing too, vanillaskinnylatte. Once he's back inside, you can reclaim your flat, and change the locks/improve the security.

Have you considered taking out a restraining order, so he can't come near you or the baby?

{{{Hugs}}} - I suspect you need them right now.

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