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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My OH is being recalled to prison in 2hrs time - I reported him...

80 replies

vanillaskinnylatte · 30/12/2011 12:46

and feel awful about it now. I'm weakening and feel like calling his probation officer or the police to retract my statement. He has a month left on his licence so will serve that and then he will need to go to court after that in relation to the charge that I am currently bringing against him. He attacked me with a knife and threatened to kill me...and he was holding our 10mth old at the time.

Am I doing the right thing here? Sad

OP posts:
BastedTurkey · 30/12/2011 13:40

Well done for taking this positive step to protect you and your son

Allmixedup1978 · 30/12/2011 13:41

Holy Guacamole you have very much done the right thing. I work in the sector and once he's recalled, you should have some contact from the Women's safety worker and hopefully the probation officer if you haven't heard from them prior. If not, make sure you call up to speak to them, and talk about getting a condition not to contact you or to go within a certain distance of you home.

What he did clearly shows that he is not willing to respect your space, independence, child and the fact that the relationship is over. If I was you, although it should never be necessary in an ideal world, I would seriously consider selling up and moving if you can.

Unfortunately sounds like a long history of domestic abuse, and in cases like this, where, from what you say, he is not willing to be responsible for his own behaviour, there is a tendency for the 'offences' to escalate, getting more and more serious.

Take care of yourself, it sounds like he'll be back to prison and then he'll also have a sentence against him for some sort of aggravated assault, or more likely GBH (Grievous bodily harm) which carries a reasonable prison sentence, and given that it was pretty serious, and on licence, he will hopefully be given another sentence to run on following from his existing one. This will give you a year or so to look at relocating, at least.

Finally, like I said above, do get in contact with his probation officer as you can sort out exclusion zones, and contact requirements to protect you and your child. Please stay away from him in the future, it sounds like things are not going to get better between you, and you have given more forgiveness than he deserves. Look after you and your child, it sounds like you are a bright and very capable person, so you will do fine.

Take care. (Sorry if any of this sounds ranty!)

sillymillyb · 30/12/2011 13:48

Just wanted to add my support, well done on taking this step to protect you and your baby.

You need to take use this month to take action for when he gets out though, have a restraining order in place, panic alarms and new locks etc on your doors. You have been really brave, its not long now till 3pm, and then it will be done. hugs

CurlyJims · 30/12/2011 13:54

Of course you have done the right thing, you will now have some time away from him to find yourself and become even stronger x

flatbellyfella · 30/12/2011 13:57

You have done the only thing you can to protect yourself & your son, don't feel sad or guilty about it.

BertieBotts · 30/12/2011 13:57

You are most definitely doing the right thing, I know it is so very very hard.

Are you having some counselling (or better, specialised counselling/therapy) for you? It's a big thing to come to terms with by yourself, I hope you have some support.

fuzzypeach1750 · 30/12/2011 14:00

Well done. Massive hugs x

3cutedarlings · 30/12/2011 14:01

Without a doubt you did the right thing, tho i think you know that. I too think youre being very brave. Keep strong!! i wish you every happiness.

SingleSoloShattersSparklyStars · 30/12/2011 14:01

You have done the right thing.

Is your son also his son?

SingleSoloShattersSparklyStars · 30/12/2011 14:05

Oh yes, I see that you say 'our son' in the OP...I only asked because you say it's been over for 6 years. I'm not judging you on that one; my Ds was conceived because I was still seeing my 'ex.' It does complicate things a bit though with emotions and the like.

tigermoll · 30/12/2011 14:08

I just wanted to add my own massive Well Done to the other posters on here, vanillaskinnylatte - you have shown incredible courage and strength in reporting him, and you have protected your child from growing up with this horrible, violent, bullying man as a father figure.

Hold your courage, - you are doing AMAZINGLY Smile

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2011 14:10

definitely done the right thing and need to follow the advice on here about restraining orders, exclusions zones, conditions of bail etc.

moving if at all possible would actually be wonderful in the sense that you could be totally free of this guy - you could change your surnames etc and be free of him. tricky though if you are living near family and friends i understand giving that up would not be... well it's possible but a huge thing.

Eglu · 30/12/2011 14:11

As tigermoll just said, hold on to your courage. You know you've done the right hing even though it is scary.

OnemorningXmasCockMonkey · 30/12/2011 14:53

Well done and massive hugs xxx

midwife99 · 30/12/2011 15:05

Well done you brave wonderful mother. When he's gone ask the police to change the locks if you can't afford to do it yourself so he can't get in when he's released. You & your child deserve the basic human right of safety in your own home!

SoFreshNSoClean · 30/12/2011 15:09

Well done for taking this courageous step to protect yourself and your child.

Your OH obviously has very serious issues. It sounds like he is a danger to you and your child.You have absolutely done the right thing.

My mum had to report my father to the police / get an emergency injunction under similar circumstances nearly 25 years ago. I have always admired her for it, actually, and certainly never held it against her.

Do get some advice and support on injunctions. Good luck x

essexmumma · 30/12/2011 15:11

Absolutely you have done the right thing!! I think you are brave and really hope it all works out for you x

EllenandBump · 30/12/2011 15:15

You need to stick to your guns and if i were you i would be trying to move asap and change your details so that he cannot find you when he gets out, he doesnt sound like the type of bloke to mess with, i feel sorry for your situation. You are doing whats right by you and your child.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 30/12/2011 15:27

Your personal safety and that of your ds is paramount and there's no question that you've done the right thing.

I sincerely hope that the police, prison, and probation services, will engage in joined up thinking, that his licence will be rescinded and that immediately upon release he is charged with the offence(s) he perpetrated on you and remanded in custody until the case is heard.

Regardless of whether he is recalled to prison, you should seek legal advice with a view to obtaining an injunction such as a non-molestation Order with power of arrest should he breach the terms.

This will not physically prevent him from approaching you but when the Order is served the penalties he may incur should he be found to be in breach will be made clear to him.

You will undoubtedly receive numerous phone calls/letters/emails/texts pleading for your forgiveness, swearing that it will never happen again, lessons have been learned, etc, and you are best advised to harden your heart and not believe a word of it.

On no account should you consider withdrawing your statement and you will need to dig deep in the coming weeks/months and be prepared to give evidence in Court if necessary.

Please come back here with an update and use your thread as way of offloading/exploring your feelings in relation to this man should you be inclined to give him another chance.

If you don't hold fast and stand firm against him it is probable that matters will escalate and he will cause you serious harm. If you feel inclined to waver, simply look at the face of your baby ds and know that he deserves a childhood without fear of violence.

OhdearNigel · 30/12/2011 15:32

Vanilla,
I work in this field - please don't retract your statement. On a technical point it won't make any difference as the CPS are likely to issue a witness summons for you in any case as they will want to pursue this case - but you owe it to yourself and your baby to go through with this. Threatening you with a knife is a very serious matter - keep thinking about the fear you felt when he did it and the fear you felt for you baby when you waver about whether you are doing the right thing. Even if you have no intention of getting back together, you owe it to his next girlfriend. There is a possibility of getting him on the Integrated Domestic Abuse Programme as part of a sentence - it's a very intensive programme designed to challenge male abusers into changing their attitudes and behaviour towards their partners. I have had DV victims report that it has made an enormous difference in their partners and that it is very effective. Even if this wouldn't affect you, it might stop him doing it to another woman.

Other posters have mentioned restraining orders - we now have the power to impose restraining orders on defendants in violent offences withoutsecuring a conviction. Conditions are usually not to contact Ms X directly or indirectly save through solicitors regarding contact with child/ren. It's worth going through with it just for this.

You should have a witness care officer dedicated to your case to look after you and to support you through the court process (this is what I do). If you need any help or advice you are welcome to PM me.

Flanelle · 30/12/2011 16:15

ANy news?

vanillaskinnylatte · 30/12/2011 16:51

hi everyone - thank you all so much for the messages of support. Ive just got back to my parents house. I went round to my flat at 3pm when I knew he would be gone so that I could change the locks and check that he hadnt damaged my property or anything like that. There is a company coming to install some kind of panic alarm next week too, so that will also help reassure me.

He sent me a text at about 3.30 to say "ty for sending me back to jail". I feel really sad but I know that he had no intention of leaving my property and obviously he has behaved very badly and I cannot risk being in that sort of violent situation again. I cant have my little boy witnessing that sort of thing or being hurt.

I have at least 4 weeks until his release and I imagine someone will be in touch from the police about my statement and taking that further? I am of course worried about that and looking at sentences for threats to kill...the max term is 10yrs. I really dont want that to happen to him! I want him to realise his mistake, be punished in some way and helped to change. I just hope this knocks some sense into him so he doesnt do this to anyone else. I would never get back with him but I really do hope he changes so he can have some kind of relationship with his son sometime in the future. but that can only happen if he truly realises the wrong that he is done & takes full responsibility for his actions.

OP posts:
vanillaskinnylatte · 30/12/2011 16:52

wrong that HE has done rather...

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2011 16:57

no chance.

your best hope is him going down for as long as possible and having zero contact with your son.

sorry. but i'm reading pie in the sky in all this change business.

thunderboltsandlightning · 30/12/2011 16:57

"I really do hope he changes so he can have some kind of relationship with his son sometime in the future"

Maybe when your son is eighteen and big enough to defend himself from him would be about the right time.

You are being very brave and doing the right thing. If you do feel unsafe in any way, do consider going into emergency accommodation where you can be safe and secure.

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