My OH is being recalled to prison in 2hrs time - I reported him...

[vanillaskinnylatte]

and feel awful about it now. I'm weakening and feel like calling his probation officer or the police to retract my statement. He has a month left on his licence so will serve that and then he will need to go to court after that in relation to the charge that I am currently bringing against him. He attacked me with a knife and threatened to kill me...and he was holding our 10mth old at the time.

Am I doing the right thing here?

Well Done hope your OK - might you consider moving ?

Well done for your bravery Vanilla. Please don't feel sorry for him - he lost all rights to your sympathy a long time ago, through his own actions. He needs to face the consequences of his actions, otherwise he will keep doing this to you and your son, or to the next woman he meets :(

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Do you have enough support offline?

Love, he's never going to realise this is a mistake. You do know this don't you?

He thinks its FINE to hold a knife to your throat, to endanger your life and that of your DS. he has no respect for himself, for you, for his son, his family or the law.

THE BEST THING WOULD BE THAT HE'S LOCKED AWAY FOR LIFE!

He is STILL blaming YOU for him being recalled to jail.

YOU didn't pick up the knife. HE DID.

You didn't break bail/parole conditions HE DID.

He KNEW the consequences of violating the agreement BUT HE STILL WENT AHEAD AND DID IT ANYWAY because he doesn't care about anyone or anything

YOU didn't put him back inside. HE DID.

You need to change your number. You need an injunction effective immediately this DANGEROUS and probably PRE-MURDEROUS man sets foot outside the jail.

2 women a WEEK are killed by their partners. have you not heard all the horrific stories over christmas about women being found dead, stabbed etc... GUESS who probably killed them?

He won't change. Ever. Get yourself and your child the hell away from him.

You are a very brave and courageous woman. I admire you immensely. Please don't make the mistake of ever trusting this man. He will kill you

Remember that your son needs you, he needs YOU to protect HIM.

and you are needed here too. You can go on to help hundreds like you, by being here and posting here. You need him out of your lives for good.

He attacked you with a knife- fucking hell, of course he should go to prison for a very long time. You sound traumatised- almost eerily calm. Is there any help available for you?

Good posts hohohoudini. Very much agree.

You know his text, that's him putting the responsibility right back on you, isn't it? :( He hasn't faced up to what he's done at all. Sadly I think it's unlikely he will have any epiphany or accept his situation is the consequence of his actions if he feels he was justified (or just made a mistake) and that you have caused this for him, he'll just be stewing feeling angrier and angrier at you. That is NOT to say that it was wrong to report him because it was definitely the right course of action, unfortunately you can't do anything beyond that, whether he learns from this experience is up to him.

Have you ever read the Lundy Bancroft book often mentioned on these boards? It's called Why Does He Do That and offers an insight into how people prone to anger/control issues tend to think. The reason I'm suggesting it in particular is that there is a section near the end which details the conditions generally required for someone like this to change and realise they were wrong, and also an excellent checklist for signs that someone is truly changing, because sadly people like this often make great changes to their behaviour on the surface without working on the underlying patterns, and so the controlling behaviour or anger will come out again eventually. If you are really set on holding out hope that he will change I think you will find this an invaluable resource.

Also something to look into might be the freedom programme?

If some abusers got a 10 year stretch for threats to kill it might stop others in their tracks, but it's not going happen as judges rarely impose the maximum sentence unless there is a long record of similar offences.

In the highly unlikely event that he got 10 years, he would most probably only serve one third or a half max with additional time off for any period spent on remand in custody.

If you haven't heard from the police or probation service sometime next week, I would suggest you get on to them and also give your local Women's Aid service a call with a view to finding a solicitor who is experienced in dv cases to apply for a non-mol as an interim measure before he's released after completing his current sentence.

Every old lag knows that 'if you can't do the time, don't do the crime'. He is solely and entirely responsible for the situation he currently finds himself in, and if he wants to avoid spending any more holidays than strictly necessary as a guest of Her Maj he'll take steps to reform himself.

But don't hold your breath on that one because some offenders are resistant to rehabilitation and he may fall within that category.

I would reiterate once again that you have unquestionably done not just the right thing but the only thing you could have done under the circumstances.

Stay strong and don't allow yourself to be swayed by any pleading/pitiful texts/calls you receive from him.

At least you'll be able to welcome the New Year in safety, and I hope that 2012 enables him to bring about a positive change in himself that will be of benefit to you and your ds.

like dropping dead

Can't you stay with your partner (your 10 month old's father)? What does he say about your ex threatening you? Where is he in all this? You also need to change the locks on your flat to ensure your ex doesn't have access even if you aren't there.

Think you have got confused somewhere, Mollie, I don't think the OP has another partner, the baby is her ex's.

Sorry, I read that he isn't her OH as they hadn't been together for 6 years but she just refers to him as that

I know he is no longer my OH. I just said OH out of habit...its been over 6yrs so its all very strange.

I assumed she meant by that that they'd been together over 6 years.

No doubt they will have some kind of order attached to him which means he cannot come within 100ft of you tht is what you want, then if he breaches that he goes to court, and if he continues he goes to prison.

You done the right thing for you and your child, I have done it to my kids dad when we split as he kept causing me a load of trouble, and headbutted me in front of them and broke my nose.

you did a wonderful thing. If he breaches his parole again, report him again. He's a danger to you, to your son, to himself and to the public.

If you hadn't reported him, you could have found yourself weeping over the coffin of your own child in the not too distant future. Or, God help us, your child weeping over your coffin.

you did the right thing. never regret it.

Well done for being so very brave, OP.

You are not really out of danger OP . Sympathy is not an emotion I would feel for someone who almost killed me and my child. Don't waste your energy on that - focus on staying safe and moving forward in your life.

There is really nothing else you could have done.
His text proves he is incapable of considering the consequences to anyone but himself.

This isn't going to be easy, and you have a long way to go, but because you made the decision to protect yourself and your baby, every day will become better and better, till one day you will marvel at how your life used to be.

Please access all the supports that are offered and seek any others you can. It helps to hear others talk about their experiences and you will realise you are not alone.

A relative of mine refused to call the police when her DP tried to kill her and her dd, she eventually left him but still refused to report him. He eventually was arrested and charged with attempted murder and is serving 6 yrs AHMP. If she had reported this 1st time then no one else would have got hurt so yes you did the right thing and have him put away.
Well done
Proud of you.

Please dont feel sympathy for this person OP. He doesnt deserve it. The text he sent you proves that he isnt taking any responsibility for his actions.

You have been given some amazing advice, please take it and stay strong.

I still would move, not that you should have to but it may well make you feel a little safer. He obviously enjoys allowing you to feel scared and threatened, and i dont doubt getting closer to his release date you will get very jumpy. Do try to make sure he has a restraining order, but he probably will break it as he will want you to withdraw your statement so come rounf to try and talk rationally with you! How rational was he when he had a knife to you. Get him sent down and move away from current area ie other side of town. If you believe he will carry out his threat to kill you or harm your son then you need to also change your name too and possibly ask the police if there is aything you can do to stop him from contacting or coming near you i am sure there are i njunctions etc for this sort of thing. GOOD LUCK. HUGS. X

Hi all - sorry I have not been online for a while as Ive been staying with my parents and its been pretty full on, with no time for MN! My boyfriend (ex!) was recalled to prison last week. The CPS refused to take the DV case forward because they said I took too long to report it, but he was recalled simply because I had him arrested.

When he was arrested I had the locks changed while he was in the station being interviewed. He was released a few hours later but could not get into my flat so was texting me like mad asking why I had changed the locks. I still stayed at my parents and told him that he would need to find somewhere else to be. He said he was going to have to sleep on the streets, he had nothing to live for etc etc

About 3 days later I moved back into my flat with my little one....looked out the window at about midnight and he was outside! He kept texting asking to come in as he hadnt slept properly, needed to change his clothes and telling me his feet were bleeding because he'd been on them for so long. He was limping etc but I didnt trust him. I felt a bit bad so I told him that I would leave him some cash to go and stay in a B+B. He declined the cash and said he would sleep on the street. No doubt to make me feel even more guilty!!

He did this for 2 nights and then he texted to ask for some smart clothes as he had an interview lined up. So I got some stuff in a carrier and put it outside for him to collect.

Then on 3rd Jan the police came to my flat. They seemed to think I was hiding him as they burst in practically! 4 officers stormed in and looked in every room. My poor boy was crying because he was scared. I told them he wasnt here, I had changed the locks days ago and he had not been in the flat at all since. They asked me to ring him as he was going to be recalled & they wanted him to have a chance to see his son before he went back to prison. I rang him and he turned up about 15mins later and gave our son cuddles...got a few personal items etc.

So he's been in prison now and wont be released until Feb some time. Not too sure how long it will be but he keeps on calling saying he wants to speak to our baby and know how he is doing. Its really quite stressful and I had to tell him not to call because I didnt want to hear from him. I just cant talk to him because he still is trying to get back with me and I cant hear all the sob stories and false apologies. I dont want to become weak and back down so its best that I just dont speak to him.

I am at work and having to take the baby to nursery every day. I have no idea how im going to afford it and Im trying to get myself sorted. Its very hard but I was doing it all alone before anyway, so not too much difference I guess! I dont even miss him now that he is in jail. I thought I might miss him being around but I really dont so I guess that shows me that I have really made the right decision. I feel more relieved than anything and its so nice to spend time with my son and not have that anxiety that I had before. I was always walking on eggshell, being called names and bullied. Now I just suit myself and my home is my haven again.

Child services came round before and they were very happy with me - told me I was a good mum and that if I needed anything I was to contact them. They were very supportive and let me know that if he is harrassing me loads then I can get an injunction etc. So I will definitely see the CAB so Ive at least got the info if I do need to do anything else. Im just hoping he leaves jail, sorts himself out in a respectable way...fingers crossed.

Good for you vanilla, you're bravery has paid off. Just remember what you wrote

its so nice to spend time with my son and not have that anxiety that I had before. I was always walking on eggshell, being called names and bullied. Now I just suit myself and my home is my haven again.

Stay strong, you deserve the best for your and DC. Your future is in your hands now.

your not you're bravery