Support thread for those who want to stop being hurt by their parents spiteful words in 2012

[myhandslooksoold]

Following on from this thread this is a support thread for those who are sick of being hurt by nasty and spiteful things that are said to them by their parents or parents-in-law.

If we can all vent on here and then work out some tactics to either stop these comments or at least stop the effect on ourselves then that would be great.

I've been hurt for years by my mother who puts me down, rewrites my happy childhood memories, creates divisions between me and my siblings and generally damages my self esteem. This Boxing Day was a turn around point for me as she made me cry after just a 5 minute phone conversation. She hadn't done anything new or particularly vicious but I was so upset. I then realised I had to change my reaction to what she says and have to find a way to stop it from affecting me so much.

I turned to mumsnet to start a post about it and then found myself engrossed in all the similar stories out there.

So please, join in and resolve to make 2012 a year to change! (Cringe that sounds a bit like a politician doesn't it?)

Hi, may I join? Having lurked and read.the other.thread I feel like a bit of an imposter, as my mum is generally lovely but she does just keep going on about my weight. For 12 years now. Once I told her how much I weighed (because she asked);.2 years later she used it against me. She had written it down in a diary and went back to look it up .

Fwiw I'm a size 12 to 14, 5ft7.

Hello all, be good to get some support

Can I throw in this classic from my mother?

Me: I'm having tests because it looks like I might have breast cancer

Mother: Oh well, I'm not going to worry. (translation: your job is to look after me, you are not supposed to have needs of your own so I will pretend you don't)

Cheers, Mum

In a way I wish my mother would tell me how she feels because then I'll know where I stand I have only heard from her once since I told her to stop talking about her PFB who abused me for 8 long years. Never even got a card off her for christmas.

I would like to join too, not sure how to put it down at the moment but having spent my whole life trying to please my mum and dad and make them happy I am slowly coming to the realisation that they don't care that much about my feelings.

The last couple of years have been really hard, in fact, since I had my kids (eldest nearly 5) they have changed towards me.

Just once I would like to hear my mum say she thinks I'm doing a good job instead of her constant disapproval.

My mum can be really lovely. I'm probably not the easiest of people to deal with at times, I have a short fuse and have suffered with anxiety for years.

But she can be SO critical too. She also drinks a lot and when she's had a few she'll say things purely to get a reaction from me. Take last boxing day for example. (Last year I was diagnosed with IBS and mum knew how awful i'd felt for most of the year, in near constant pain and being unable to even get out of the house some days). After dinner I walked past her as she sat on the sofa, she reached over, poked me hard in the stomach and said "you got another baby in there?" It probably sounds petty but I was really upset. She knew exactly why my stomach was bloated and that it hurt to even eat a small amount and she still did it.

She has said awful things to me when she's been drinking. But I feel guilty posting because I know she loves me and worries about me, and can be great at times.

My mother is mean and spiteful, really enjoys mind games and driving wedges.

For as long as I can remember she has criticised me for pretty much everything. One of her biggest complaints is my weight (I'm not fat) and now she has started on my daughter (skinny 8yo). It is sick sick sick but I have never and would never confront her. She lives in a fantasy world and presumably is mentally ill.

I just try to stay real about my expectation of her and protect myself by keeping a good distance.

I have gone through patches of intense anger and sadness about her behaviour but have come to the conclusion that I have to accept the way she is.

I don't mean I condone it but that I have learned to live with a sort of permanent feeling of sadness that she isn't the nice mum I always wanted.

I'd like to join too.

My mum is not as bad as some on here, but she can be very hurtful and self-absorbed at times. Whenever I have a genuine problem and am looking for her support and maternal comfort, she will always manage to make the problem become about her - even though she has a completely trouble and stress-free life, no financial worries, lovely house, meals out, etc, etc.

My mum will think nothing of being quite nasty and thoughtless to myself or my sister, but then she will happily find a way to blame one of us for causing the problem, iyswim.

The problem is, if I keep my distance from her for too long, she will say I don't care. OTOH, sometimes, she can be impossible to be around. It's a no-win situation.

As a previous poster said, I've had to accept that she's not the lovely mum or grandmother that she should be (and never will be ).

SmileItsSeasonal - I'd like to be your weight/height, I'm a 12-14 and only 5'3"!

AnyoneforTurps - that is so sad and hurtful for you, but my mum would probably act the same in that situation.

Hugs to all you others with NPD-ish difficult parents/in-laws.

Wow great response already! I agree with and recognise many of the tactics for dealing with it. I have tried to minimise contact but without creating an all out family feud. The difficulty is that my mum acts like a gatekeeper for my relationship with my siblings and their children. I live away from my home town so seeing them necessarily involves me and my family staying at my mums house.
I've remembered in the past to keep up a mental shield but then we get on really well and I let my guard down and then get hurt again.
Has anyone had/ thought about CBT?
Have to go toddler is getting agitated!! Back later...

I think I need to join this thread. Dm has been staying for a week over Christmas, I had a baby just before Christmas having her here has crushed me a little there is too much to tell you all but her best lines have been how much weight have you go lose now? I had a baby 3 days ago and am already back in my pre pregnancy clothes at this point. she is glad we bought shoe storage for the hallway as it always looks so scruffy., growing up our house was so messy i never invited friends home as a result I'm really house proud so this isn't really true either. My neighbours houses all look very working class, if it was true it wouldn't really matter but it really isn't even true, we live in one of the best areas in the city and there is just very elderly people living next door so she's just saying it to be provocative. On collecting dd from her prep school she told me she thought the parents I'm friends with looked chavvy, I'm not sure why she feels she has the right to comment. These people have all been very lovely to me I think this is the part of the problem she has with them.

She told me that my children said I am a very grumpy mum and yet she makes me tell them off for things. She disregards everything I say regarding the children after finding her asleep on the sofa with the baby I explained the risks. The next night I went to make dinner i came into the sitting room to find her asleep on the sofa with the baby having polished off half a bottle of wine, I'm afraid this is where I lost it, she actually said she wasn't asleep just resting her eyes. I flipped out , she refused to apologise just saying that she new what she was doing. she then told my grandparents that I was throwing a wobbly. She didn't listen to what I asked ( to have a quiet Christmas having just given birth) and invited all relatives to dinner at my house leaving me to entertain them all day.

I don't really know what to do.she has a terrible relationship with my brother and is single so I'm the only person she really has but she treats me like this. I'm not sure she even realises how she treats me. Part of me would love to put all this in an email but I don't think could face the fall out so now I just try and avoid her but it's not easy.

Apologies for any typos one handed typing with newborn on my knee

Myhandslooksoold,

I meant to say in response to your OP; as you say, it's about trying to stop the effect on ourselves that needs to be resolved. The problem is made worse for me as my lovely dad always defends my mum's awful behaviour; basically because he is scared of her, IMO.

Similar to your story, it was an incident on Christmas Day that made me realise my mum will only get worse and I need to develop a thicker skin to deal with her behaviour and comments. Long story short, we'd been out for lunch, I did the ferrying around (so they could enjoy a few drinks without worrying about driving), then my mum says in all seriousness, when I dropped them home at about 3pm "we won't be inviting you in for a cup of tea or anything", (translation, "I can't be arsed to socialise anymore today").

Apart from that, she is very generous with money for my DCs, but I know they'd rather have a nice, kind granny like most people do.

Oh i'll join. My mother makes everything about her, and is so so cruel sometimes. most recently she said that My dds teacher is prób nasty to her because dd is hardly a 'loveable' child. She then claims that i misinterpreted her and have no right to be angry!

I know what you mean about potential family feuds. If I don't contact my mum for about a week or so, I'll get a phonecall from my dad saying "your mother is upset because you haven't been in touch", to which I feel like shouting, "tell her to be nice to us then!".

I honestly don't think my mum realises how bad she actually IS, sometimes.

One of the things that has really helped me is that I have accepted that she is never going to change and I will never win her approval (I'm a doctor; it is a standing joke with my friends that my mother disapproves of this - they refer to me as "the black sheep" ). This liberated me from forever trying to win her approval and being knocked back.

Good thread. My parents and grandmother upset me like this too.

It's hard to detail it all without sounding petty and selfish, but as you'll all understand it's the drip-drip that grinds you down so that ridiculous, tiny things, like DM giving my bro a bigger slice of cake than me, push me over the edge and I feel like an overreacting princess!

Also, most of the comments they through at me or make about me could be construed as 'caring' when told to a third party. I think they'd be horrified if they knew how much they do upset me, but they just do not give they're comments a second thought, everythings forgotten for them in split second but I'm still reeling days later.

I tried cutting them off but I get sucked back in and think 'it'll be different now', but it never is.

I get so so so jealous when I hear about friends looking forward to spending time with their families or see photos of them hugging their parents. I want that, but it'll never happen for me and that's sad to accept.

Shocking grammer

Hi, I'll join the gang too.

Just came back from meeting my mother in town (her idea, invited me to lunch to a sweet little cafe, lovely, I thought) and am all churned up with sadness . To cut a long story short, a gentle enquiry into my marital/parenting struggles turned into an all out litany of my failures and faults, stated as though they're as obvious as the sky is blue, so of course it's all my fault and of course someone as terrible as me is going to struggle, and poor poor everyone else in my life who has to put up with me.

For what it's worth, I don't think I lack self-awareness, and am more than willing to accept and work on my contribution to any difficulties in my relations with others. But usually, a 'supportive' conversation with loved-ones isn't the time or place for focusing on these.

I should learn not to open up to her about very much at all but I just can't seem to be able to keep my counsel. It's as though the mother-I-wish-I-had asks the questions, all lovely and supportive, then the-mother-I've-actually-got comes in with her acidic, toxic responses. And I never realise until later just how unkind and unfounded they are.

Keep telling myself over and over again: 'you're OK. you're trying your best. you're just dealing with life's shit like everyone else. those who love you will see the best in you'

Gah

by the way, this isn't an isolated occurance, as you might have guessed it's part of a long and troublesome pattern.

to everyone else going through similar (and most of all to myself) repeat after me:

THIS BELONGS TO HER! THIS BELONGS TO HER!

gerbil I totally get the overreacting thing, I tolerate and tolerate and the explode over something ridiculous and then get treated as if I'm over emotional.
round sorry you've had a crap meeting with your dm

roundwindow I could have written that. You open up to them, as normal people do, then they use your own words to beat you!

I too have also always been told how 'difficult' I am and how my friends/boyfriends deserve a medal for putting up with me. They even took in and supported my DH when I chucked him out when he had an affair and constantly told me how hard it was for him

I, too, now realise I am NOT a difficult nightmare, never have been, didn't even have a teen-rebellion. A few customers/friends' parents have even they'd be proud to have me as a daughter/DIL. Can you be adopted at 28?

I know with my mother and my late father it was always about them they fell out with me for 4 years because I was in hospital having major surgery and didn't let them have my DC to stay well no your PFB was always there and he is a p**file so wasn't putting them at risk. Plus according to him all my ASD/ADHD son needed was a good hiding. DH was here he is their dad.

Gerbil, I could have written yours too... the bit about repeatedly wiping the slate clean and thinking 'it'll be different now'... why do we keep doing this to ourselves?!

Glad to hear you realise you're NOT a difficult nightmare. Nor am I! Ha!

Good for you for taking more positive input from others in your life and hopefully building up your self-esteem. I'm on the long and winding road of trying to do the same

Snake: I don't know how you're managing to deal with all this and a newborn as well, I take my hat off to you. My mum has always put down my friends as well, the people who've been lovely to me, just like you say.

Reading these posts I recognise so much. My mother has always told me what a difficult child/teen/adult I was it's only since meeting dh who appreciates what a dysfunctional upbringing I have had but thinks I'm incredibly easy to get on with. I don't see myself as difficult and apart from my family I get on really well with others.

My mum always tells me she wouldn't trust my friends, makes observations about them and asks me what they meant by innocent comments in a suspicious way, looking back she really isolated me and knocked my confidence where friends were concerned she made me her bf and confidant throughout the split with my dad, I was 10.

round the lack of sleep made it challenging to say the least.

agggghghghghghghghg just spent AGES doing a really good summary and just accidentally deleted it in the last sentence!!!!
Aghghghghg deep breath....start again

marking my place but will explain my toxic mother later when im off the phone.
But for starters she has spent my entire life telling me that having children was the worse thing she ever did.e