Support thread for those who want to stop being hurt by their parents spiteful words in 2012

[myhandslooksoold]

Following on from this thread this is a support thread for those who are sick of being hurt by nasty and spiteful things that are said to them by their parents or parents-in-law.

If we can all vent on here and then work out some tactics to either stop these comments or at least stop the effect on ourselves then that would be great.

I've been hurt for years by my mother who puts me down, rewrites my happy childhood memories, creates divisions between me and my siblings and generally damages my self esteem. This Boxing Day was a turn around point for me as she made me cry after just a 5 minute phone conversation. She hadn't done anything new or particularly vicious but I was so upset. I then realised I had to change my reaction to what she says and have to find a way to stop it from affecting me so much.

I turned to mumsnet to start a post about it and then found myself engrossed in all the similar stories out there.

So please, join in and resolve to make 2012 a year to change! (Cringe that sounds a bit like a politician doesn't it?)

Ok to roughly summarise some of the themes from the posts

1. Weight/appearance is often targeted
2. Friends/children are also 'fair game' for criticism- as a way of attacking us
3. We attempt to limit contact as a way of defending ourselves
4. We put up defences but often let these down- lulled into sense of security only to be attacked again
5. Lack of empathy/caring for us
6. Self absorbed
7. We still seek approval even though we know we're not going to get it
8. Our emotions range from anger/intense sorrow/sadness/acceptance
9. We know that the comments won't stop and need to change our reactions

10. We have become over-sensitised and sometimes overreact to things- making us seem like the crazy ones! 11. We are normal people with loving families and good friends and are capable of normal relationships- we are not 'faulty'/bad people! 12. Our OH's are often sympathised with by our mums because they 'put up' with us

roundwindow and gerbil I could have written your posts.

Snake congratulations on your new arrival. I'm sorry you've had a bit of a rough time when you should be being pampered and given loving treatment. I always found I was more 'raw' just having had my DC's and the comments and put downs were even more painful than normal. I've always felt I've been as vulnerable as my youngest child as regards my mum's treatment of me and am relieved when they get older and I re-toughen up. I also gasped out loud when I read the bit about being your mum's confidant- I had that done to me too from the age of about 13 (my dad died some years before). Then I was screamed at for growing up too quickly as a teenager.

I could go on and on about all the various hurts from all the years and would love to get all this out but here is not the place and you'll all be bored. Maybe I'll try writing a letter I'll never send?

What a great thread, I recognise so much. My mum is so subtle and such a fucking martyr...it's all about her, her, her.

What I have learnt is that I can't change her, but I can change my response to her.

The letters a good idea I was speaking to my sister tonight told her I want to confront my mother over why she always puts her PFB over us after what he did to us. She says she's not worth it she's never been there for any of us, if I get the go ahead next week I'll confront her.

myhandslooksoold - great summary.

I notice a theme of posters feeling they have to justify themselves (I am not messy/mean, I am self aware etc) and it strikes me that that's the mind games at work... we are always checking and double checking ourselves.

I realise too how far I have come, that my mother's assessment of me used to form my own self appraisal but that I can now disregard a lot of what she says.

It's the criticism dished out during vulnerable patches - when we were children/pregnant/with young babies/ill that stings the most. The one person we should be able to rely on for support seeks the opportunity to wound.

Having children has helped me a lot as I would never subject them to the sort of cruelty I endured and that daily reminder is very useful for keeping her at bay.

With regards to sulking patches over non-contact, I just don't care anymore. She can sulk/stew if she chooses to, it really is her problem.

Honestly, I so know how everyone here feels and it's lovely to talk about it. I have often felt lonely because it seems as though everyone else has nice mums.

My parents came over, and I noticed that, since we were with my partner all day, my mum did not say ANYTHING horrible. It's like she can keep up the pretence around other people: she can keep it up for a long time if I go home or whatever too. Then I feel like suddenly, she'll just lose it and say something awful.

Last Christmas it was about the bins not being put out on the right day. She actually went mental at me and I started crying.

But yesterday I couldn't sleep as I felt so guilty. No idea why. I always feel guilty when she's nice to me.

mine said to me the day before Christmas - well try to have the best Christmas day you can in the circumstances or words to that effect - meaning as I was spending Xmas with just me and the dcs - this was somehow inferior. I did say 'what on earth do you mean by that?' She then said well you know that the boys sometimes drive you mad.

We didn't go back there for Xmas as when we went a couple of years ago they found the dcs too stressful - they wouldn't allow them to play outside in case they ruined their grass and so we were all cooped up inside. I decided to leave a day early.

When they have come to visit I have made a list of things she has said just so I know that I don't doubt myself.

As with other posters I am always justifying myself thinking I can't be that bad and so on.

She also likes to act as gatekeeper for relationships with other family members. She actually thanked me for coming to my gm's funeral - as if I wouldn't have gone! FWIW I was very close to my gm.

She also uses a generic term of 'mother' to talk to or describe female members of the family.

I really don't know why I ring often or bother in many ways. But it's as if deep down I am still hoping that something will change however I know that it won't.

I just stumbled across this thread in the 'Active conversations' page, and am amazed to see that I seem to share the same mother as several of you on here.
In all seriousness, I would love to join you all. After spending any amount of time with my mum, I usually feel very down afterwards as she constantly undermines me, criticises me/my family/my life...anything really. She invented the phrase 'passive aggressive'. I usually spend the following days going over and over things that she's said, getting more and more angry, thinking up replies I could have said but didn't. Then I avoid her for a while until the cycle starts again...

Oh and yellowraincoat, I also feel so very guilty when my mum is nice to me. What is that all about?

yep yep yep.... to the days spent going over and over things she said and what I wish I'd said in response, and, bizarrely, to the feeling guilty when she's nice. Really odd. And the gatekeeper to other family members thing, mine tries to do this and I have a strong feeling she misrepresents me horribly to other family members as well, like putting a nasty twist on things I might have done or said. I just have to trust that everyone knows what she's like and will not let this get in the way of how they relate to me.

Just want to say, it feels nice to know I'm not the only one in the world having to deal with this. Like someone said earlier on, sometimes I've felt like everyone else has a great relationship with their mum... other people's mums are like their no. 1 fan, their one-woman cheerleading squad, etc. etc. Other people roll their eyes as their proud mum delivers yet another overblown gushing compliment, But not all of us .

And I feel really inspired by those of you who are strong enough to not let it form part of your self-appraisal and understand it's her stuff not yours. That is sooo where I want to end up.... getting there, I think

Sorry for not coming back to you today will pick up the thread tomorrow and give a full reply

'With regards to sulking patches over non-contact, I just don't care anymore. She can sulk/stew if she chooses to, it really is her problem.'

How do you reach that place. Not spoken to mother since she decided to play the martyr and not come for Xmas dinner. In her mind its all my fault she chose not to come.sigh

KalSkirata - I'm trying to think of a sensible answer... to be honest I have done a lot of counselling and gradually, gradually changed as in gained confidence, afforded less importance to my mother's opinions and am also quite strict with myself in putting my own family first. It didn't come naturally, when my first child was born my first thought was to ring my mother and I felt quite devastated when she told me she didn't like the baby's name, but by the time I'd had the second, I didn't actually notice any comment she made. So big progress (in 4 yrs)

I think what I'm trying to say is that it takes time, dedication and support. So give yourself time and some sort of framework e.g. don't phone her for two days (or whatever) and check in here for support.

And be gentle with yourself. Maybe you will cave into her now and then, just not every time.

I'm sorry if that reads like muddled nonsense... in a nutshell I would say you are starting a journey and in time you will be able to look back and see how far you've come. x

sincitylover - She actually thanked me for coming to my gm's funeral - as if I wouldn't have gone! FWIW I was very close to my gm.

My mother thanked me for going to my dad's funeral and was mightily pissed off that my friends sent me flowers - why wouldn't they have just sent them to her? oh the madness..

imaginethat that is really good advice and I'm really glad you wrote that post. I think I have to print it out and put it next to the phone as a memory aid!
Happy new year everyone I'm really glad we've joined together.

Hello,may I join?

My mother is a fucking martyr.

She is always soooo busy,helping others (she's a care worker for the elderly,but she would have you believe she did it out of the goodness of her heart) ,or with her fucking horse.
but,miraculously,if i call over,is always at home,doing nothing.

She lies,all the time.
If you tell her something she doesn't want to hear,she just doesn't respond,at all.

She hates my DD,she told me this,it's because she's too much like me apparently.
My DD is three years old

It's so oddly nice to read all these posts and know I'm not alone,but similarly really sad that there are so many of us.

My mother is exactly the same. I'm always the black sheep.
As a teen I admittedly was a nightmare. I had severe depression and was very stroppy, but she constantly refers to that time of my life and all the trouble I caused her and how I always mess everything up.
She constantly unfavourably compares me to my brother. He married a rich career driven woman and lives in a big beautiful house, so is in her eyes absolutely wonderful, whereas I'm a single parent to two disabled children and live in a tiny poky house!
As a teen she would often ask me why I couldn't be more like my brother. Bloody hell, that used to hurt so much!
She ridicules me in front of people saying my house is a tip and that I'm slovenly. My house isn't a tip, its just not immaculate as I have two children, not a lot of space and a heap of disability equipment.
Anything I do is criticised. I used to sculpt fairies and sell them. She said to me that they were ugly and looked pornographic?
Two years ago my partner left me when my dd was only 10 months old and ds was 9 yrs old.
I had severe PND after dd's birth and had a nervous breakdown after my partner leaving.
I rang my mother in tears unable to cope with the pressures of my children and feeling unable to cope with being a single mother. I was suicidal and felt absolutely dreadful. Her response was to tell me to "just put them (my children) in care then if you can't look after them".
I hung up on her and didn't speak to her for a while after that one, but all the time she's criticising and being a bitch to me.
I've learnt to try to ignore her and realise she'll never be who I'd like her to be and never treat me the way I want her to.
Sorry for the long post!

(Disclaimer - was raised by maternal aunt)

KalSkirata - I can't answer for anyone else here, but I got to the point of not caring about it by realising that her behaviour was/is game playing & manipulation, done because she could do it.

She wants me to be upset. She wants to guilt me into behaving in the manner that she wants/approves of, and will use all and every method she can think of to achieve that....because deep down there is a part of her that needs/wants to see me upset/in tears/being an 'obedient child', and that part is what drives all her nastiness/madness.

She wants as much power over me as she can possibly get, because it's fun for her. When I finally realised (over a long time) that this was what she was up to, I became determined to reclaim my personal power from her.

So, I ignored the 'silent treatments' that she loved to dish out. I took the sly comments innocently, and refused to rise to the bait. I used to practice saying stock phrases into a mirror before I used them on her.

Then dh and I got married and she went a bit weird (more than normal), and because downright abusive. We are now no contact, and have been for nearly 10 yrs.

She's attempted contact once or twice, but has made a couple of unforgivable comments/actions and, tbh, I wouldn't give her the steam from my pish.

I've finally realised, after a long time, that she's never going to approve of me, or who I am, what I do, my dh, dcs, job, dog, etc etc and that I don't want her approval now I know what a toxic person she is.

And, after all that time, I still get ragingly angry about it all.

Jesus, dotty, are you getting help with that? I am so sorry for what you went through.

Linerunner yes I am I got to the age of 40 thinking it hadn't effected me that much and reported him because it was the right thing to do. This was last September and it has been hard to say the least the things I had buried where unreal but its all coming out in therapy. The hardest part is when you realise your whole life has been effected by what IT did to me.

It's not a mother in my case. But the paternal parent who told me yesterday I was no longer part of his family and that he would be sharing that with the "family"

The family of his previous marriage and his sister's children who spend their life on facebook spying on me, slagging me off and delete me off facebook then go running to "daddy" to say I've deleted them.

2 years ago at dh's birthday, the paternal parents car was stolen and that was my fault. He refused to come for christmas dinner and called me stupid for having ordered food before the 19th of December.

If there was ever an issue his daughters would start the harassment of me via phone or email telling me to sort my mum out. I've also had HIS sister having a go at me.

In the last 14 months I've had 2 lots of surgery. Not one of them sent a card or an email. I was ostracised from "their family" the moment I was born.

My maternal grandparents often had conversations about how horrible they all were. It used to upset me but now I know they only spoke the truth.

The venom from his daughters to me is horrific. They both forget that I remember one of them trying to drown me and the other using me as the tug of war rope to get at my mum. That was a horrific Sunday at the age of 4!

I genuinely think I need counselling to stand up to them all without failing and bursting into tears. But the evil in one family is ridiculous.

I saw my best friend yesterday. Sadly through circumstance we don't get to see each other often.
She has always thought of me as being the daughter she could never have (she is just about old enough to be my mum). For years that view made me feel a tad uncomfortable after all I had/have a mother, of sorts.
For many years I have suspected my mother was cold, unloving and controlling.
Now I know through the recent acts of my siblings (two violent and one controlling) and the revelations of my best friend about my families past behaviour.
I know now there is no future with family where my biomum holds sway. Like Havisham she is poison.

Thinking back my best friend has always been of more a mum to me. She has always accepted me, hugged me, supported me, never criticised or judged me.

In contrast my bios have had free rein with their numerous critiques which ground me down, since I was kid.

From recent controlling incidents viewed with the help of hindsights of my best friend, I know our daughter would to love to see my best friend who has been so much more of my mother

So sorry that none of you had the support you needed from your parents/carers.

Was thinking today about an incident with my brother a few years ago. We were both at the same university and my mum came to visit us. We had some kind of argument and he walked off, then my mum walked off. Probably I said something arsey.

My brother sent me a text saying "Why don't you just fuck off and leave our family alone?" My mum and I talked about it, but to be honest, she was full of self pity, poor me, crying her eyes out, why don't you get along blah blah. All she said about the text was "he shouldn't have said that". Yeah, no shit.

He got cancer a few months later, so I kind of had to start speaking to him again, but was very much up for cutting him from my life. I still barely speak to him, but I don't think he notices.

May I join too- saw this in Active. I have thought about joining the 'Stately Homes' people but this may be more relevant.
I am the 'difficult' one in my family; and have in the last year learned about scapegoating in dysfunctional families. And TBH my initial reaction to the idea was that it explained a lot about my family but simultaneously feeling guilty for labelling them dysfunctional in the first place.

Like many here, I have tried to make distance between them and me; but get sucked in by my need/wish for a 'normal' relationship esp with my mother. I have had years of being jealous of the relationships friends had with their mothers; the uncompromising support, the ability to criticise without wounding, the plaudits for every achievement. I even lied at university about my mother- a mis-placed sense of loyalty had me portray her as what I wanted her to be rather than the reality. Almost as if I described her as I experienced her, then her perception of me became real too? If that makes sense.

And its not as if any single event, phrase, occassion warrants my reaction but (again someone else described it well) the cumulative effect is that I am easily wounded by the next casual cruelty.
anyway, hope I can be of some help here. for me, writing it out and realising that others have experienced similiar is very helpful

Hi I've also lurked on the Stately Homes thread on and off for the last year. It's a really good thread and has helped me to feel less alone when I've been really stressed at my mums behaviour.

I'm not sure I have the strength or heart to fully challenge/change the family dynamic and TBH after all these years I don't really have the will to try and change the relationship. I think Stately Homes is the thread for that. I've just spent 10 minutes searching for the latest thread but I can't find it can anyone assist? I just saw it on Active Conv's about an hour ago but then my darling toddler decided to start throwing water over the side of the bath!

I just want those nasty little digs to stop and I want to rebalance my self esteem. Also I want to ensure that I don't slip into that critical habit with my DH and DC's. Because so much was expected of me, I have been very hard on myself over the years and any little failure on my part gives me an 'excuse' to mentally beat myself up about it (does that make sense?). This high expectation is now extending to DH and DC's.

Frig I can't believe your mum said that about your DD- ouch
Blueballoon ouch ouch ouch she sounds poisonous. Is she so bad it leaves you in no doubt that she is unsupportive and unloving?
Tapir stock phrases sounds good- what are your favourites?

NowhereMum "She has always accepted me, hugged me, supported me, never criticised or judged me" I have a friend like this too. It took me years to be able to accept her affection and love- I couldn't understand that I would be deserving of it. Also with my DH I find it difficult to take his love and tenderness. Also his forgiveness when I've done 'wrong' or made a mistake. We've developed a phrase "we're only learning" when something goes wrong and it really helps me to forgive myself.

WannabeMeg yes your post is very helpful and your words about being sucked in and feeling jealous of other peoples mums resonated with me.

So now we've convened and introduced ourselves a little where do we go from here? We need a plan of action I think?