Support thread for those who want to stop being hurt by their parents spiteful words in 2012

[myhandslooksoold]

Following on from this thread this is a support thread for those who are sick of being hurt by nasty and spiteful things that are said to them by their parents or parents-in-law.

If we can all vent on here and then work out some tactics to either stop these comments or at least stop the effect on ourselves then that would be great.

I've been hurt for years by my mother who puts me down, rewrites my happy childhood memories, creates divisions between me and my siblings and generally damages my self esteem. This Boxing Day was a turn around point for me as she made me cry after just a 5 minute phone conversation. She hadn't done anything new or particularly vicious but I was so upset. I then realised I had to change my reaction to what she says and have to find a way to stop it from affecting me so much.

I turned to mumsnet to start a post about it and then found myself engrossed in all the similar stories out there.

So please, join in and resolve to make 2012 a year to change! (Cringe that sounds a bit like a politician doesn't it?)

Pout My mum is an alcoholic too. She has liver failure and has been hospitalised twice this year. If my siblings and I hadn't have been persistent, she would be dead now. She hasn't had a drink in about 4 months. It's a very tough thing to deal with. Alcoholism is a disease. You are not responsible for it. You cannot cure it. The only thing you can do is try and help. Sometimes even then, it's not enough to make them do something about it, because it's "all about them". My story is tied up with recent bereavement, my mum being self-centred etc.

In my personal opinion, I think you have done the right thing. You can remember your wedding day with a tinge of sadness because your Mum wasn't there, or with horror if she actually does attend and behaves badly. Or with anxiety because you were just waiting for her to start.......

Your post doesn't make you look really bad, honestly it doesn't. It's absolutely exhausting and so stressful dealing with the fallout of someone's alcholism......

Since my post last week, when I thought I'd killed the thread, my Mum has had two falls. One of which resulted in her banging her head and being taken to A&E. I felt bad not going to the hospital, but I couldn't go to the hospital, hang around with my 4yo DD (who hadn't had her lunch), not knowing how long we were going to have to be there. I had my son to collect from an activity shortly and in the end, my brother had to go - but then he's a bit of a freer agent than me. But I still felt bad....

Hi lemony Thank you for your understanding. Not many people do understand. I think that my ILS perceive it as she will have a few too many sherberts and be a bit silly. They have no idea of what it would really be like.

I usually kill threads too! In fact I was unsure about posting because I was convinced that everyone would post that I am a selfish article.

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. Had your mum had a drink when she had her falls? I know I don't heed my own advice but in my opinion you did the right thing by putting your DD first. She is your priority. Your mum is a grown up and if the fall was because of alcohol she chose to drink to the point of incapability. I do understand the guilt thing though. It is so awful. I think my Mum plays on it a great deal and controls me and my sister with it. She has got the victim thing down to a fine art.
She has also been hospitalised quite a few times and we all have to then gloss over the fact that it was because she was drunk and be sympathetic. It's so hard and I spend most of my time being angry and guilty.

The question in the back of my mind is that noone knows you as well as your mum and so if your mum hates you so much then you really must be worthless.

Unfortunately I've lived with this thought in my head for so long that I've had problems forming close relationships with people, and making life-long friendships has been impossible for me because deep down I believe there must be something so intrinsically wrong with me that if I get close to someone they would eventually find out what a nobody I really am so I disappear.
On the outside I'm a functioning adult and I can be pretty upbeat a lot of the time (notwithstanding above belief), but deep down she's managed to rip my self-confidence to shreds and everytime I see her another piece gets shredded and yet I can't break off ties with her.

I can only suppose after a lifetime of hearing constant criticisms you know no better, it's a type of brainwashing isn't it?
I, too, have tried to confront her, on more than one occasion but it's always the same denials, or me being too sensitive. I Just wish that she could be honest and tell me what is it that's so wrong with me.

Pout No, the last two falls weren't due to alcohol. She has stopped drinking. My siblings and I have got to the point where we have spoken about the acohol problems directly to her and in front of her to the doctors as well. It's all out in the open now, which is something of a relief, because it was the elephant in the room for some years. My Dad's death triggered it. She just went downhill when he died.

I think it's hard for people with no in depth relationships with alcoholics to maybe realise that it's not just having "one too many and getting a bit silly" - it's the sickness, the incontinence (both bladder and bowel if you're really unlucky), the falls, the blood, the not caring about themselves, yada, yada, yada. All you can do is to stick to your guns.....

Mamafrida - Yes, I know what you mean. I get some months into a relationship and then kind of shut down, or distance myself mentally. I really, really don't know why I do it and I wish someone would tell me!!!!!

21YOM - Your question about why we don't cut our parents out of our lives was answered at the bottom of your post by your OH when she said that she thought that she'd got better. You live in hope, but they never do......

21YearOldMan - I do find that question quite offensive actually. People who can't possibly understand situations would be well-placed to listen and read rather than try to compare their own situation.

Number 1 - They are my parents. I don't have any other parents. Life without parents is not that simple - it's not like dumping a friend you've grown sick of.

Number 2 - My mother can be lovely. If she was just a grade-a asshole, I'd be able to tell her to fuck off. But since she is sometimes really nice, I live in hope that one day she'll just be like that all the time.

Number 3 - I feel guilty. My mum and dad are deeply fucked up people, they are really miserable and have pretty shit lives. I know they'd be gutted if I stopped contact - in fact, it's unthinkable to them.

Your question is as stupid as asking a woman why she doesn't leave her abusive husband. Life is never that simple.

Without wanting to sound insensitive...Leaving an abusive husband might even be easier than cutting ties with abuse/toxic parents. At least then you don't have to deal with the guilt of being somehow responsible for them as well...

I've also quite often been told on here to just cut ties with my toxic mother. I wish I could but I'm her only child, she has no partner, no friends really, her life is shit.

lemony It's been a bereavement that has triggered this particular descent into oblivion though to be honest she has had a drink problem for years, it's just much, much worse at times and this is one of those times.

I agree that bringing things out in the open is a relief of sorts. As much as I feel so horribly guilty I also feel relieved that I have told her she is behaving in a way that is causing pain. I feel like I am taking back a little of the power in the relationship rather than being controlled by her drink problem. Whether it will do any good I don't know.
It's great that your mum is off the booze. Do you think it will last. Has she come off it before?

mamafrida I agree that mothers greatly affect your self esteem. My mother used to imply how my sister got the looks and I got the brains. Hence as an adult I have a poor sense of my self image and no matter what anyone else says I still hear my mums voice essentially telling me I'm ugly.
Also agree about the putting up barriers. I have few friends and I think it's because I don't want to invest too much emotional energy into somebody who might potentially hurt me.

About the cutting contact thing I sometimes think that I am a coward and should cut off contact with my Mum but agree that it isn't an easy thing to do. That said I often wish I was strong enough to have done that though my DP says that it shows strength of character to stay and put up with the crap.

I think that you do live in hope that things will get better. I spent years just desperately trying to act normal because I so desperately want things to be normal.

Pout - you have made the right choice, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. She is your mother, and you have tried to help her, but she is doing nothing to help herself - there is only so much you can do to help somebody that doesn't really want to stop/be helped.

I moved my wedding from London to Scotland because the woman I posted about (upthread) threatened to turn up and protest, as I was marrying outside of the cult I was raised in. We took her threat seriously as she has done this at a funeral (with other cult members) and was arrested!

You are NOT selfish - the behaviours that an alcoholic exhibits can trigger lots of feelings/emotions/behaviours in others, one of which is feeling selfish if you do not enable them to continue their drinking. Many hugs to you.

I have given my parents chance after chance over the years and my mother has had nearly 6 years of no-one pulling her strings(my father) but still only listens to one of her children and only ever cared about him there's only so much you can take in the end its always about her. She doesn't know I have cut ties with her I want to confront her but I'm not allowed to ATM, I am also under huge strain ATM plus I'm to much of a coward.

mamafrida from what you have posted so far, I'd say that your mothers relationship with you has messed things up for you.

You are a person worthy of love and acceptance in your own right. She is just ONE person, with a pretty screwed up view of life and her part in your life.

She has spent most of your life conditioning you to accept that the only person worth being in your life is her...even when she treats you badly; yes, that is a form of brainwashing.

I've found that the fear of being hurt is a powerful mechanism, and a lot of behaviour stems from wanting to hurt people before they hurt you; wanting to prove that you aren't worthy of being loved.

Would like to add that I'm pretty pissed off today with the cowbag in my life - so if I've been blunt or rude, please just ignore me.

I ended my relationship with my abusive X last January. It had been going to end for months, it was common knowledge.

My mother planned a trip departing for down under along with my sister for a few days after his original flight. He got delayed, she left without so much as a goodbye call. She only told me she was going in the January, after all the details of X departing were known. I found out later that she'd been planning the trip ALL the time I was discussing the end of the relationship. The subject had been discussed wrt my sister a million times between September and January. I knew DSis was going, everyone did. But DM? no. It was deliberately concealed, by BOTH of them from me. When DM came back I literally couldn't get her on the phone for more than 30s, she would cut me off the call as soon as she could and it took a week to come round to see me, knowing what I had had to go through. she never asks me how I am.

When I lived abroad, with the abusive X if I texted that I was having a bad day, and that would have been pretty much all I would ever have admitted to, I literally wouldn't hear from her for 2-3 WEEKS. My sister also told me that she got my texts too, but chose to ignore them. I thought that she was just busy. She wasn't. Alone, thousands of miles away from anyone normal, with an abusive X and trapped in a flat for up to 10 weeks at a time.

My DV situation. My fucking problem. Apparently.

Motherdearest is moving to the other end of the country (where Dsis is) She can't seem to fathom why on fucking earth I won't entertain the idea of moving down there with them...

They have a WAKE UP call coming, the pair of them. They treat ANIMALS better than they did me. Dsis arranged weekly visits to her cat in quarantine when it got stuck there.

I'm growing stronger, with the support I have built around myself, by myself. therapy, DV groups, the Freedom programme. My growing strength is not going down well with them.

If this outs me... the person reading this is one of the above. I couldn't give a shit what either of you think anymore. I've always been there for you BOTH. Karma is a BITCH, hope you are BOTH ready.

I'm OUT.

It's been pointed out to me that my DM may be a narc. I can't deal with that now, maybe I will in the future.

What I say is that they did what they did. It says everything about them, not about me. They, like my X, CHOSE to treat me as they did.

He is OUT of my life, so can they be. They did this. I don't have time for traitors like these. I've lived on my own. I'm really GOOD at being isolated and alone. It doesn't scare me, cos this time I choose who to spend my time with!

I'll find a new DP, and make a new family all of my own with him and my boy.

MrsHuxtable, you are right in what you say, but you are being held ransom by this woman.

Cut contact right down, make it on your terms, and be totally blunt with her as to why. Truth will set you free.

It may not change her behaviour, but at least you will be expressing what you feel and not resenting pretending to be nice.

When I called my X out on his abuse, by repeating back the things he had said to me, he had no reply. Those insults he used on me, where what he thought of himself. No weapon more powerful.

This revelation about my DM is more painful than the X. I need a hug, but there is no-one to run to. That is cripplingly painful.

I will process and I will find a way to self-soothe. I will be strong.

Funny how we except it more from parents than most would from partners, probably due to the fact parents are meant to nurture in a way mine did but only their PFB who is a child abuser she'll have no one left and be a lonely old woman if as we (my sisters,I and our DH's) hope he gets put away for his crimees against us.

Hissy - the feeling of abandonment when they just desert you when you're in that much pain and distress is beyond belief. You poor thing.

My Mum went on holiday the day after my lovely man had a major brain haemorrhage. She did ask me if I wanted her to stay. I said no, because I didn't think it was as bad as it was.

He died 8 days later. I rang and told her. She stayed away. For another 10 days. I was alone. I had to look after my DS who was 10 (the poor boy already had his own Dad die 3 years previously). She texted me on her return. Was too tired to see me. Saw me the next day. I was nearly 6 months pregnant at the time.

How can these peoples' lives be "all about them" when they see what is going on around them? I seriously have so much trouble coming to terms with their utter selfishness.

One of my fears after my life being made to seem so small and useless by my mother was that I could continue the warped cycle if I ever had children.

I became a mother to a beautiful DD and I made a promise to her the day she was born that I would ALWAYS ALWAYS be on her side whatever!

The cycle will NOT continue.

Trying as always to see a positive side in life (not always a simple thing with me) Anyone damaged by the relentless chipping away of your self-esteem by the one person who should love you unconditionally does make you very very resillient and a whole lot more aware of the damage that can be done to those you love.

Reading through the posts I understood that with all the heartache endured there are some extremely strong and lovely women out there - perhaps there's another positive to come out of all this...

Mama no one in there right mind would want to continue the cycle and treat their kids appalingly, I have low self esteem and MH problems ATM but I will beat it I have to.

Hi, can I join in too - although I'm not sure where to start, or if this is even the right thread.
My father was emotionally abusive, sometimes violent and sexually inappropriate towards me. My mother thinks he is wonderful and never made any attempt to protect me from him, which is almost worse than anything he did to me. E.g. as a teenager he once waved an electric carving knife in my face (it was on and running) and told me to stand still while he 'carved some of that fat off me.' I was hysterical and frightened and my mother told me that it was only a 'wee joke' and not to be so sensitive.
They are both very manipulative and controlling, and have tried to interfere in every aspect of my life - from comments on my appearance, to my home and every little sodding thing. Seven years ago I decided to cut off contact with them after a conversation with my mother where I tried to talk to her about some of the things that went on. She flatly denied everything and made me question my own sanity / grip on reality. They have never really respected my decision for no contact and continue to plague me via letters, relations and recently by turning up on my doorstep. They maintain that they have no idea why I don't want any contact and have told family and friends that my DH is controlling me and its all his fault - so not true.
I'm sorry so many of us are in this situation, but I am really taking comfort from this thread.

That's exactly it...a positive from the negative experiences. I know how not to bring up my children, it's almost like a blueprint of what not to do.

It's the one thing I'm grateful to her for.

I believed for a very long time that my mother had abandoned me because I was such a bad child, unloveable and unwanted. I believed this mainly because the woman that raised me told me this.

I was an adult with my own dcs before I came to realise that my mother disappeared and 'abandoned' the whole family, not just me.

Lemony, I think we just have to let it go. It's not about us. seriously. Abusive P/H too, nothing to do with us, they'd do it to anyone.

They put out what they want to get to reel us in, only because they want it reflected back to them. when we need things from them, support, love etc, they can't bear that, these inconvenient demands sapping them of their stolen energy, so they reject us.

It's a ONE way medium. Any 'good' they pour into us is so that they get to feel better about themselves, OUR state means nothing. So if there is no return for them... they are OUT.

it's not personal, as much as it hurts us, we are wrong to think we are in anyway in the picture as far as they are concerned.

Hello all.

Not much time tonight to go into anything really but just wanted to a) bump, and b) say that this weekend has actually been one of those really nice ones, the kind I never used to have ever - just quiet and happy, and together with my lovely family (DH and DS, that is).

Christmas was a bit turbulent and strewn with various ailments; and last week it was my birthday, preceded by a couple of very sad anniversaries, and I was fearing similar turbulence... but no. Calm and happy. Times like these are my reward for all the flipping hard work I've done in distancing myself, emotionally, from my family/upbringing; times I could never have had if I hadn't taken on this fight and stuck with it.

Thinking of others on here, and very moved by all the stories. Will come back later and post more when I have more time.

LaRev - that is good news to hear! There will be plenty more of those, you know; they're just out there waiting to arrive, lots of good days to look forward to.

Hugs for all the hard work done, and for all the good times ahead.

houdini I really like that - any demands we make on their energy are rejected because what they have is stolen, not self generated. That is very very familiar to me. My counsellor used to have a mantra of 'Power in not Power over'.
Larev...good to hear that the hard work does pay off. I go through phases of 'trusting' that it will and phases like at the moment where it feels as if I will never experience safety, security or support in my life.
This last 2 weeks have been like walking up the north face of the Eiger with wind and snow in my face; but no sense of a destination or end point.

Has all gone very quiet on here, anyone around?! Things are a bit crazy busy for me atm, and not finding time/headspace to post much, but am still here, iykwim.

Tapir, thanks for the hugs; Meg (do I abbreviate you to Wannabe or Meg??!), yes, I have found the work pays off - but for me it only really started to pay off when I found the right work (for me) to do - which in itself was a long and often disheartening journey. I know what you mean about "trusting" that it will, I think that got me through a lot in the past, and if your intention/commitment (I don't mean "your" personally but in the general sense!) are really there to do what has to be done, to "stick by yourself" in a way, then that counts for a lot, IMO. But for sure it's good when you start to see some really solid, tangible results of how your life has changed/is changing, and I think for me that's the key to knowing whether a particular approach is working or not.

I so hear you about trudging up the Eiger. I have often thought myself it felt like trying to scale Everest, blindfold, with hands tied!! And I look back over my life and I now think, given what I have come to realise about my past and my childhood and the insanely fucked up family dynamics I grew up with, that just trying to live in the world with that amount of damage and baggage was a truly overwhelming and nigh-on impossible task, it was unbelievably daunting and fraught with obstacles and risks. And for a long time I had absolutely no idea of where I was going.

I did go through a really long time of that and didn't start to have any real "safety, security or support" -you put it so well - in my life for a long time. I was 40 when I met my DH, and 41 when we got married, and that was the first step towards real emotional safety. It came, as I've said before, at the expense of maintaining a relationship with my "family" (family of origin); cutting them out didn't happen straight after the wedding but that really was the beginning of the end.

Anyway, I really hope things have taken a turn for the better since you last posted, Meg; and if not, please come back and offload here!

yellowraincoat, thank you so much for your post saying you found 21yearoldman's post offensive, so glad to hear someone else say that! I entirely agree.

And also - why should anyone on here have to explain or justify their choices and/or actions to anyone else anyway? This is a support thread (kudos to myhands for starting it ). Not a place for people who aren't dealing with the same issues to tell us what we're doing wrong/imply that people are going about it the wrong way.

People who have grown up being undermined, being judged, being bullied are potentially liable to be vulnerable to people who think they know better and think they have some god-given right to put other people on the spot and ask them exactly why they aren't doing things the way they think they should be done. It would be nice for this thread to be a safe haven from that kind of thing, IMO, though how realistically achievable that is given that it's an entirely public forum, I'm not sure!

Family Of Origin. FOO. One letter change and the acronym would be FOE.....OK, I think it's really time for me to get to bed....

Larev ''you can call me Meg'' (a la Paul Simon- interesting for a name change? )!

Yeah, things have improved because I caught myself and decided I am not having this negativity towards myself. I have got out of it before so I am getting out of it again. Hard when it's been a lifetime habit, no?

I think thats what happens with the FOO fighting (hah! see what I did there?). The constant negativity I attracted as a child, the unremitting denial of my right to my own feelings, my own decisions, my own path in life could only have one outcome, I suppose- turn it on myself. ''If everyone who 'loves' me thinks I am wrong and bad and not good enough then it must be true''.
I am not all the way there yet, but I can see that an alternative explanation is valid....perhaps instead, I was inherently strong and that strength was threatening to the status quo in my family. Perhaps, my view of the truth and my fighting back had to be squashed.
I should have gone along to get along.

You are also more right than you will ever know about being vulnerable to 'people who think they know better'.
I married a psychopathic bully and had kids with him.
He is therefore in my life every day now in spite of his desertion of the family.
That is my motivation to become stronger. I have to stand up to him. I will not have my daughter go through what I have.