Total silence between h and I, is this the end???

[feelokaboutit]

Hello

Not the first time this has happened. I showed h up over christmas by complaining to my aunt about something he had said (very hurtful) to me a few weeks ago - in front of him. This was not to show him up but basically the only way I can communicate some things to him - when other people are around because if I had complained at the time he would have shouted at me and it would have either ended in me withdrawing or in a massive argument.
So this is probably the worst thing for him - the feeling that he has been ridiculed. My point is that why is it ok for him to be unpleasant to me when no-one (or only dc) else is around but he then feels extremely angry if I point these things out in front of other people (the only safe place for me to do so, and I do accept that it wasn't the best thing I could have done).

Anyway, he is now totally blanking me. I don't know how long this will go on for - there have been two other significant episodes of this that have lasted for weeks (in the past few years). The difference this time is that though I am sad about our life in general, I am not as gutted as I used to be and generally don't talk to him either. I know this is not sustainable long term. On a personal level I think it is time to separate as there is nothing I can talk to him about (other than superficial things and things connnected to the kids). On the other hand - my youngest started school last year - I previously spent 9 years at home while our three dc were small. I did a course last year to become a teaching assistant and am volunteering but haven't managed to get a job yet. H owns the house. I am basically 42, jobless, with small earning potential and three kids 10 and under.

I am living day to day but also totally burying my head in the sand. What do I do???

Well you've made a start by letting other people know that he is abusive towards you. Which he is - saying unpleasant things to you in private and bullying you further when you complain.
If you decide to separate from him, he will have to pay towards the upkeep of DC, and you will also be entitled to benefits. You are married, so you do have a share in the family home and a court might order that the H moves out (though they may order it to be sold and the profits shared). Get started on some research; a lot of solicitors offer a free half-hour consultation and the CAB can advise on benefits etc. Once you have all the facts at your disposal you can a) decide what to do and b) if you want to tell him the relationship is over, you will not be thrown by any threats he may make. Abusive men often say that the woman will not get a penny, that he will keep the children, that he will throw her into the street etc. He can't do any of these things.
GOod luck.

Yes Solid excellent advice. OP you can survive on your own. Im a TA and our wages are not huge but ok to live on. i claim tax credits too so that kind of makes it up.
Its A good time to start looking for a job in a school, log on to your LA website to check the vacancies also just ring up your local schools ( i used to work at my dcs primary).

Good luck...it may take a while but you'll get there in the end remember baby steps are small but significant. x

What do you do?

You have already started love. Well done. You are beginning to reach out and to start the process of facing up to your situation. SGB is right (as she usually is! ) Get the facts, get the support lines open. You are not in the desperate situation you think you are. This fear is all part of it.

This is going to be a long process. It will hurt. But there are enough of us here to hold your hand and you will very quickly see that the kind of things this man has done to you is exactly the same more or less as has been done to MANY of us here.

Can I suggest that you buy Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It will save you a lot of mental anguish and show you that none of this is YOUR doing. It really helps to 'forgive' yourself, so that you can see exactly who IS pulling these unpleasant strings. By the way, the silent treatment is widely known to be one of the most devastating and cruel forms of abuse.

Understand too that nothing you ever do/did/say/think would have ever, nor would ever change what is going on here. This situation literally has NOTHING to do with you, it's HIS choice to abuse you.

Keep posting here, come over to the EA support thread 6 - I can't do a link to it cos I seem to have a bookmark halfway down, and tbh the links at the top of the thread may be of some help to you, you ought to see them.

Call Women's Aid for someone to talk to, contact your GP/HV and get as much support from anywhere you can get it as possible. Surround yourself with support. Don't be embarrassed, this is not your doing, this is not your misdeed. You need help, love, and support.

We are here for you whenever and however you need us to be. Just holler, PM, shout and we will find you!

Here!

Thank you. For some reason I thought someone would say I shouldn't have shown h up. The hurtful thing he said would sound pretty mundane but it really hurt me iyswim.
Thanks for advice. It's difficult because I have also damaged our relationship. And I think that the fact that I am now in a withdrawn position is as much to do with things about me as it is to do with things about him. The fact remains however that neither of us is happy with the other. There are better days where we get on ok and chat and laugh about the kids, but a lot of days (weekends especially) during which we don't get on at all. I feel disliked. He probably does too.

Come chat with us on the EA thread (thanks LittleHouse) no pressure, just read, and ask questions if that's what you want. We'll always be there for you, remember that?

Yes thank you .

feelok if you had a magic wand what would you be wishing for? An attentive loving husband who showed his affection and was considerate of your feelings and shared family life with you? Or to make him disappear and leave you in the house with the DC and a chance to find someone who thrilled your soul?

Sometimes the answer is in your gut and you have to sit quietly and let the answer come through to you. Then you can start planning and working towards that end. And there is no hurry. Mending or breaking a family is a very solemn business and should be given time and attention. But you will find wisdom here, and hilarious wit and ribaldry.

'if I had complained at the time he would have shouted at me and it would have either ended in me withdrawing or in a massive argument.'

This sounds like the core of your post. When you say 'shouted at me', what would happen? I loathe being shouted at and withdraw as well, but I suppose my view is that neither shouting nor withdrawal is a useful response. TBH I will be the poster that says that I think he has a point about not complaining about him to other people if you weren't prepared to take it up with him. But I understand entirely that what you have posted is a tiny snapshot of your whole life - I'm only reacting to that single snapshot.

From what you have posted, i would say that your marriage is potentially salvageable with a LOT of work/Relate. I'm not sure that he would be willing to do that, though, if he reacts in this way to any external involvement. And again, I recognise that what I have read is just a tiny glimpse.

littlegingerbread - with a magic wand (and thank you for giving me the opportunity to do this ) I would wish for either
a) dh to partially change character so that he lost his short fuse, propensity to blame and be sarcastic as well as the bossy side to his character - also for him to show physical affection towards me and not spend ever single evening working on the computer - for him to want to go out with just me occasionally of an evening and to show interest in what I say and think about things - for us to feel like equals and a team

OR

b) for us to be amicably divorced and able to co-parent well - for me to discover new independence and resources as I manage my own life (especially financially) - for me to become the person I am really supposed to be - for our kids to feel happy in that both dh and I would have their best interests at heart... possibly one day to meet someone who really wants to be with me - funny, kind, attractive blah blah - realise this may never happen.
PROBLEM IS, I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE IS MORE OF A PIPE DREAM!!!

joanofarchitrave - the comment I made was initially supposed to sound funny (I think ) but came out sounding really angry - I can see why h would have felt really got at... on the other hand, he is very very difficult to talk to on a daily basis and somehow the only choice I feel I have is to withdraw - he can "kill" with one sentence so in order to avoid that I back off (this is normally at weekends when things are usually tense between us) - I too agree that at this point only somebody external could help us but h has already rudely made it clear that he would not go and see a counsellor.

Just popping in to give hugs.
I am living part of a similiar story now.
It's hard being in a relationship that has lost respect, love and affection. For whatever reasons.
Good luck

he is very difficult to talk to on a daily basis

H has already rudely made it that he would not go and see a counsellor

There you have it. You are going to have to spell it out to him. This will not fix itself! There is a serious problem with your relationship and you cannot sort it out without professional help. His options are either to stick to his guns and refuse counselling (which incidentally may not magically make things better) in which case your relationship is dying, or commit to making things better whatever it takes and agree to get help with you. His response will tell you a lot about his commitment to a future with you.

Don't be scared. Whatever happens changing the situation must be better than staying stuck in the present.

*made it clear even!

feelok it is (a) that is the pipedream, I lived for that pipedream all through my children's childhood and into theur young adulthood. Only now am I filing for divorce, knowing that for me it will never be like that with OH/AH. I too thought that I had contributed to the problems - and indeed my behaviour had had serious effects - however I have worked hard over the years to improve myself, and have eliminated much unhelpful stuff. This has only highlighted how little AH has attempted to address the problems in our marriage. Since I filed for divorce my mh has improved immensely.

So I don't know much about (b), however there are lots of people around who know a lot about coparenting in these circumstances.

Welll... me neither, but I know that I'm doing your b). It's been over a year and is going well. My dh was critical and unsupportive for years - to an extent that nearly destroyed me and did destroy us - and turned out to have a much bigger drinking problem than I realised. So I told him I didn't love him and that I was leaving him. And I did it. It was awful. Really hard holding my line and keeping calm but I did it. We get on much better now and spend holidays together with the kids getting on just fine. This is what I worked for - and I worked hard for it. You can do it.

But you don't have to! What do you want to do?

He basically milked me for support and sympathy for 20 years while ignoring my needs and wants. Bullied me over finances. Bullied me about my lack of earnings (while he drank £200 per month). Bullied me about my body. Bullied me into sex. The wonder of it is how long I let him do it. Horrific.

Sorry. This is so not meant to be about me . Just saying, we got that bad and we're doing your b). It's doable.

Do come and vent share your experience on the EA thread, Flanelle

Yes little gingerbread, I am going to have to spell it out to him I know, but I AM scared to do it, you are right, and there never seems to be a good time to do it. At the moment for example, the 3 DCs are at my sisters as they went for a sleepover last night - they will be home in about 1.5 hours. So it is just h and I at home. We said nothing to each other last night apart from he asked me one question about the kids and New Years Eve. This morning we are again in the same room in total silence apart from me asking him if he wanted a cup of tea and him saying yes. I know that if I bring any of this up without having a proper plan (ie. to leave and know how to do it) he will "destroy" me in a couple of sentences and I cannot afford to be that upset. Even if this is not entirely true, it's how I feel so it has the same effect.

Rudolph - your message is very poignant. I know what you mean about working on the parts of yourself that the oh objects to but somehow to no avail as nothing is ever good enough. I'm glad your mh is better and wish you all the best.

Don't worry about venting Flanelle - your h's past behaviour sounds awful. It is when I hear stuff like that that I think maybe I should be happy with what I have got - because though h and I don't seem to like each other much on a personal level - he is in many ways a very serious, loyal to the family kind of person. He does have an addiction to the laptop though. And he is critical and sarcastic - that seems to be his baseline with me except when he is in a good mood and then all he can talk to me about is the kids - that's it. And I could really do with being liked and hugged on a daily basis!! I'm impressed you manage to spend the holidays together - that is the kind of situation I would like to get to - to be independent but to still have family interaction for the sake of everybody. I wish you all the best.

Forgot to say that we have not spoken either last night or this morning and of course we are not sleeping in the same bedroom either.

Love, what you describe is not a marriage, it's not a life; it's sheer misery.

Oh and he's not a loyal/devoted/good father. No decent man would treat the mother of his children the way he's doing.

Even if only to give him a jolt, to show him you mean business and are demanding an end to this devastatingly passive agressive and hateful behaviour, you need to END this.

Can you stop the asking and making tea? Or does he also offer??

To be honest, based on what you have posted, this sounds like the end to me.

he really doesn't want to change, does he/

But before you make any moves to end it, do find out as much info on abusive relationships as possible by following the advise given above.

Good luck xx

We both do this fairly horrible thing where we only offer the other one tea if we feel like it or are not in a strop. I am a total headless chicken in a way. I cannot settle down and do the things I should be doing because I am permanently anxious about the situation with h. I think he thinks I don't pull my weight and this may be true in some areas but I have a lot of resentments of my own and without discussion (that doesn't involve him becoming angry) how does one move forward?

Our lives are incredibly intertwined, I can't imagine how awful trying to separate all the belongings in the house would be for starters. But maybe in the long run this is not what is important???

Kids would be utterly gobsmacked and derailed I think. H has done many of the things in the house himself or with help (diy) and the house is very much his iyswim... I think he would be furious at being forced to sell it or whatever. I don't know, I feel like a powerless child.