Total silence between h and I, is this the end???

[feelokaboutit]

Hello

Not the first time this has happened. I showed h up over christmas by complaining to my aunt about something he had said (very hurtful) to me a few weeks ago - in front of him. This was not to show him up but basically the only way I can communicate some things to him - when other people are around because if I had complained at the time he would have shouted at me and it would have either ended in me withdrawing or in a massive argument.
So this is probably the worst thing for him - the feeling that he has been ridiculed. My point is that why is it ok for him to be unpleasant to me when no-one (or only dc) else is around but he then feels extremely angry if I point these things out in front of other people (the only safe place for me to do so, and I do accept that it wasn't the best thing I could have done).

Anyway, he is now totally blanking me. I don't know how long this will go on for - there have been two other significant episodes of this that have lasted for weeks (in the past few years). The difference this time is that though I am sad about our life in general, I am not as gutted as I used to be and generally don't talk to him either. I know this is not sustainable long term. On a personal level I think it is time to separate as there is nothing I can talk to him about (other than superficial things and things connnected to the kids). On the other hand - my youngest started school last year - I previously spent 9 years at home while our three dc were small. I did a course last year to become a teaching assistant and am volunteering but haven't managed to get a job yet. H owns the house. I am basically 42, jobless, with small earning potential and three kids 10 and under.

I am living day to day but also totally burying my head in the sand. What do I do???

If he wants his home to look like a hotel he should go and live in one.

Honestly, you seem to lack perspective on all of this.

Where is your anger?
loads of men work hard and long hours- but that doesn't mean they behave like utter wankers at home.

can't you see this?

I can see that other couples talk to each other nicely and in an equal way, yes. I suppose that because I know what my faults are (for example, the kitchen and table both a tip at the moment but I am sat here doing something else), it kind of gives him leeway to carry on being annoyed.

every post you have written includes some kind of reference to what you see as your faults. You constantly put yourself down- you don't need a DH to do it- you're pretty adept yourself!

your behaviour is typical of someone who has been bullied and brainwashed into thinking that they are in the wrong- more so than the bullier.

can you not see what has happened?

You are also making excuses for his behaviour instead of getting angry.

why? when are you going to stand up for yourself?

I am leaving out the part about spending more money than he would like (much more in the past than now but still a tendency). He has a mortgage and a debt and when I received an inheritance when my mother died 5 years ago, really I should have put all of it into the communal pot (it wasn't enough to do anything significant with but definitely enough to get rid of the debt). However, since only h's name is on the house (and the three other properties that he owns, one is sitting there undeveloped, the other two have proved so far to be unsaleable and are rented out) I didn't feel I could do this (as my name not on any deeds). So the money is used for stuff like holidays, extra curricular activities, occasional bits of furniture and yes I spend beyond my means on stuff like clothes. I did lend him some money which is supposed to come back to me when he sells one of the properties. This is a ridiculous thing to be talking about between two people who are married but it is how things are between us. I think this is partly because h is already divorced once and his ex wife got away with the larger of their two properties. He is very resentful about this. Her name was not on the deed either.
So it is possible that h views me as an overspending, untidy person who has brought too much clutter into his life.

He is far quieter than I am and I think that finally we are mismatched in terms of energy. I want to let rip in so many different ways and he wants to sit on the sofa with his laptop (entitled to sit as he works so hard I know, but it never changes). Literally he spends hours and hours developing websites on his laptop. It is impossible to talk to someone who has a machine welded to them that they can hardly take their eyes off.

Hours and hours in the evening. During the day he renovates properties.

Read that last sentence again.

Is that how you see yourself?

The more you tell us, the worse this soudns......

your DH owns other houses? Yet he is worried about the water bills? so he is well off? you are well off as a couple! How did he accumulate enough money to buy 3 houses- yet not have you as a joint owner? Is this a business he has?

Legally, half of what you have together is yours- it doesn't matter whether the house is in your name. It does matter if he wants to sell them though as legally he could, without your consent.

You MUST go and get legal advice.

why did you ever marry a man who would not treat you as an equal?

Is your husband- or you- from a culture where women are subserviant?
Does he expect to make all the decisions and behave in a dictatorial way?

feelok I remember your recent thread and I posted on there about how my life has changed since I found the courage to tell my exH that it was over. It seems to me that you are still going through that process and believe me, I know how stupid you feel when someone belittles you for years and years. I am a senior teacher in a primary school with a string of postgrad qualifications and yet my ex could make me feel stupid and powerless every single day towards the end. 'Our' house was his house too, my name was not on the deeds or mortgage. However, it was our marital home in law as much mine as his. In the new year when the kids are back at school please go and see a solicitor and find out how you can change this situation. No court would kick you out with three kids when your H owns three other properties.

It has been said on here several times before, and it was said to me...when the time comes for you to deal with what is going on, you will know, and you will find the strength. We are all here for you.

ohhh!!! an ex wife!!! id LOVE to hear her story! listen love, it dosent mean a thing that you are 'not on the deeds', you are his wife, you have children with him - YOU HAVE RIGHTS!! your life could be immeasurably better without him, honestly, you need to get over this guilt trip he has put you on!

He is well off in property terms but not in actual terms, though we manage. There is a debt and the mortgage and who knows what that will go back up to if they put up the interest rate.
I think he finds the whole financial burden hard to bear. He is not ungenerous, he is stressed about money.
I know I would be entitled to stuff were we to split.
I don't know why I married someone that I don't feel equal to except that though there have always been ups and downs, we did get on a lot better and there was feeling. Some of the writing has always been on the wall however (re. not being communicative etc...) and I can only conclude that I desperately wanted to have children and that I didn't know if I would ever meet anybody else. I did really like him for a long time though and I do still like parts of his character, though not the complaining sarcastic moody part.
Yes he is Indian, I am half English, half Italian. At first I did not think that there were any cultural diffferences between us but I think there actually are. I am the one who decides where we go on holiday etc... but he holds all the big cards. I think he would be amenable to going with my plan were I to have an idea eg. let's sell up and go to spain to run a business from there, but the ultimate card holding is his.
He is dictatorial at micro level.

I do pretty much what I want on a dailly basis though. Thanks for your recent messages piella and jesus .
Yes it would be lovely just to be happy with what I am doing, even if everything were on a much smaller scale than it is now.

Thanks amelia for your kind and long messages.

that's okay but please promise you will start doing something- and not just sit back now you have offloaded?

Yes okay . Sorry, you are right about the offloading. It does give you strength to carry on because you have managed to talk properly for a bit to supportive people.

The thing about breaking up the family is that it feels like the most awful thing I could do. This is not to say that I am against divorce because I admire people who have had the strength to do it and I think it is totally natural. However I do think h and I would be relieved to be apart!!

It feels as if the only way I could separate in an amicable way is to say that I actually don't want anything, just equal time with the kids and amicable co-parenting. However that would leave me totally without anything so that doesn't seem feasible either.

You are entitled to your share- you have supported him so that he can run the businesses.

Get some counselling for yourself and may be even look into some assertivenesss courses- they do exist and think they'd help you a lot.