Total silence between h and I, is this the end???

[feelokaboutit]

Hello

Not the first time this has happened. I showed h up over christmas by complaining to my aunt about something he had said (very hurtful) to me a few weeks ago - in front of him. This was not to show him up but basically the only way I can communicate some things to him - when other people are around because if I had complained at the time he would have shouted at me and it would have either ended in me withdrawing or in a massive argument.
So this is probably the worst thing for him - the feeling that he has been ridiculed. My point is that why is it ok for him to be unpleasant to me when no-one (or only dc) else is around but he then feels extremely angry if I point these things out in front of other people (the only safe place for me to do so, and I do accept that it wasn't the best thing I could have done).

Anyway, he is now totally blanking me. I don't know how long this will go on for - there have been two other significant episodes of this that have lasted for weeks (in the past few years). The difference this time is that though I am sad about our life in general, I am not as gutted as I used to be and generally don't talk to him either. I know this is not sustainable long term. On a personal level I think it is time to separate as there is nothing I can talk to him about (other than superficial things and things connnected to the kids). On the other hand - my youngest started school last year - I previously spent 9 years at home while our three dc were small. I did a course last year to become a teaching assistant and am volunteering but haven't managed to get a job yet. H owns the house. I am basically 42, jobless, with small earning potential and three kids 10 and under.

I am living day to day but also totally burying my head in the sand. What do I do???

I have this permanent feeling that he is like an employer or a cross headmaster and that I am not up to scratch.

I am totally dependent on him, whereas without me the worst thing for him would be seeing the kids less. For me the kids thing would be awful, but also I have no idea how or where I could live.

Oh you poor thing.

For a start- stop putting yourself down.
Make a list of your good qualities: you have raised 3 kids, have done a course, and are a good mum.

You are being bullied and you know it.

See someone legal- free half hour- and find out about the house and money. Basically, if it is sold you would get at least half. or he might have to move out and you could stay until kids are 18. If you sold and got half, then you would have to presumably work to support yourself and DCs but he would have to pay maintenance until they were 18.

I think you need to get angry! Saying that you (both) don't talk is a bit of an excuse isn't it? YOU can talk- and he either listens or walks out of the house.

Why do you keep letting him have the upper hand?

you poor love!! he really has done a job on you hasnt he?

you really are so much more than you think you are, i can see from your posts that you are caring, intelligent, thoughtful and loving!

whats the worst that could happen if you leave him? he would be upset, well, tough! he will have reaped what he has sown, like all bullies he cannot imagine that you will ever stand up to him and it will knock him for six when you do, he will try and re-take control but with each decision you make for yourself his power over you will diminish and your sense of self worth will grow! take the advice given here, its good stuff, you will be entitled to benefits etc, you already have one course under your belt, it sounds like you are interested in working with children, why not extend that and train to be a teacher? the possibilites are endless!

I don't know. Because I can't see the wood for the trees. Because I know that I have contributed to the collapse of our relationship. Because (I suppose ) I have a comfortable life and I don't know how uncomfortable or difficult it may become. Because I can afford piano lessons for my daughter at the moment and maybe all that kind of stuff will go out of the window if we split up. Because h works very hard and it seems really awful to take his whole life away from him (kids) - not that I would be taking the AWAY but it would probably feel like that at first. Etc.. etc.. etc..

sorry jesus - missed your message... you are right maybe it is about taking one step and decision at a time....

well, you just settle then and stop moaning! is that what you really want? a life treading on egg shells, living with a man who has no respect for you? tbh, it dosent sound very 'comfortable' to me.

x-posted!

you can only start at the begining! take one small decision today and stick with it! maybe tell him that this sulking is now boring you beyond belief and what does he propose to do about it?

No psychologically it often isn't comfortable - the thing about getting divorced is that I don't know how much worse that might be in ways that I can't even anticipate - better the devil you know kind of approach... not saying this is right, just what I am doing at the moment.

I suppose the thing which stops me is that I haven't (and maybe never will have) done all the things which I know could improve things but somehow I am always too apathetic to do them if that makes sense. Maybe this is me and that wouldn't change even if I were on my own.

can you afford to got to counselling- maybe on your own? it would help to talk in RL.

Would he go as well?

Does he acknowledge there is a problem?

Is he willing to try to make it work?

If not, then hard as itmay be, I think you have to assess if this is it for ever- or you find the strength to walk away.

I suppose the thing which stops me is that I haven't (and maybe never will have) done all the things which I know could improve things

what are these things?

Missed your message re sulking. Definitely one step at a time is the way forward. And knowing that I am worthwhile even though h may not think so.
I think he feels totally rejected by me hence the sulking. But at the same time, his propensity to blame, criticise and dominate when he wants to has nothing to do with me.

Missed your messages too amelia - I asked him to go and see a counsellor and he refused. I am going to see one by myself (not a relate one, a general one) but he doesn't know.

I think he knows there is a problem but we never talk about it. I think he thinks things will be ok if I make some changes.

The THINGS are having a much tidier house and spending less money I suppose. Generally looking after him more.

are you apathetic or lazy or abused and lonely?

why should being divorced mean that things will be 'worse'? do you mean materially or emotionally?

what exactly could you do to improve things within your marriage and why havent you done them? again, are you lazy or too scared to do them?

im not being harsh, just trying to help!

There is no intimacy or connection between us (I'm sure that is obvious from all the other posts). We used to sleep together approximately every 6 weeks but it never lead to any affection from him on a daily basis so then I though sod that!!! It's truly weird to have a shag with someone and then for them to revert to complaining about what items are missing from the fridge the next day and never to touch you.

I don't know jesus - the problem with doing things is that h never sees these things or appears to appreciate them (though he might appreciate the odd meal that he likes) but will go on to criticise something else so this general feeling of pointlessness creeps in. Eg from a long time ago - I was mopping the floor and he very vociferously criticised the products I was using to clean the floor as he thought they weren't good enough. He knows better about a lot of things (or so he seems to think). It does mean that then I don't do certain things because somehow there is no point. Eg. was watering the xmas tree and he very dominantly told me it didn't really have roots (which it most definitely does). So now I only water it when he is not around as fear he will start having a go at me about watering a tree that has no roots (wasting water). This kind of thing but there are a lot of other examples. He is very competent in a lot of areas and I think in many ways if it were just him here he would get rid of a load of stuff and the place would feel lighter. It isn't just him here though. I'll be drying a duvet cover on a door (litterally nowhere else to dry it). He wants to close the door. Instead of finding another door to hang the duvet cover on so it can continue to dry, he will dump it in a ball at the bottom of the stairs for me to find (I then hang it up somewhere else). There are many examples like this. He appears to think that a lot of the things I do are a waste of time or stupid and that I am a purposeless idiot (this is the general feeling I get from his angry behaviour).
I am a procrastinator though.
I feel like I am a function rather than a person and that I have "failed" because I don't fulfill the function to his liking. I dig my heels in at this because I don't see how on this basis we can ever go back to being 2 people who like each other.

literally, not litterally!!

Oh dear oh dear....

Look there is no way you will ever feel in the mood for sex if he is treating you the way you say.

The impression Ihave is this:

You have a "traditional family model"- he earns the money, you stay at home looking after the DCs.

He has taken this to an extreme where he feels he can treat you like dirt, belittle you, and basically behave as if you are there to serve his needs.

Does he contribute anything tot he running of the home except DIY?

Does he show an inkling of how much time and effort it takes to run a house and raise 3 kids?

Do you try to tell him- or show him?

And now you- are you extravagent? Do you spend more than you have/can afford?

Do you sit around all day and let the house go to wreck and ruin when you ought to be getting the bloody hoover out and making a bit more effort?

Do you behave like a spoilt lady who lunches? (I doubt it somehow!)

I don't know- just asking!

But one thing is certain- there are huge communication issues in your marriage (sex is just the barometer of these) and there are no shared goals.

I think you need to map out your blue print for a good marriage- and show it to him. see what you BOTH need to do to make it better- and if he won't, then you have to leave.

The purposeless idiot thing might be a projection, but he has been sarcastic about me for so many years that I don't think I am wrong. Once when he told me that I do little, I told him about hanging up and putting away washing (which I happened to be doing at the time) and he copied the way I was folding socks in a really horrible way, as if to say that that was the stupidest activity. It is true that I don't get involved in big projects around the house, but somehow I feel no incentive to do so. He is the one who knows HOW to do everything and who at the end of the day never gives me a kiss or a cuddle so ....
He thinks that despite how crap our relationship is I should continue providing a good service iyswim. He wouldn't consider taking kids to after school activities etc.... as part of my "job" really, more like "fun" and this is partly where the problem lies because though a lot of the things I do with the kids are fun, they are also exhausting and not always what I want to be doing iyswim. He thinks I am a pointless child, but he does not want to open up to me as an equal adult. If he thinks something you are doing is silly or wrong he tells you so vociferously. He does not hold back. Eg was washing recycling out (told on instructions to rinse it before putting it in bin outside) and he had SUCH A GO at me about wasting water, you would not believe.

Oh dear God- crossed posts.

Look- you are living with an abuser, a complete and utter wanker. His behaviour sounds like that of a stroppy kevin- about 14 years old.
He is controlling, a bully, and needs help.

If you cannot see this then I am sorry for you as it is crystal clear.

.

This man- this thing is belittling you in every way he can. wasting water ? FFS! Are you on a meter? He sounds as if he has OCD.

Stop doing anything for him.

Look after yourself and your DCs , and stop being a servant to him until he can treat you with the modicum of respect and civility.

would you put up with this sort of bullying from anyone else- or at work?

Urgh! Awful. What were his good points again?

Sorry amelia - missed your most recent post.

When the kids were younger (they are now 5, 7 and 10) the house WAS messy. It is now slowly but surely getting better. Not all the mess is mine anyway.

He does cook at the weekends (me too, we both cook). I think he thinks that since I am home (except for when I am volunteering when I am the kids' school) it should all be perfect, but it isn't. It is ok though, and when kids were smaller I was overwhelmed. I have more clutter than him though am slowly but surely getting rid of extra stuff.

During the day when kids away I can manage to get kitchen and living room looking really nice. There are other areas which I do / have neglected, it is true.

I think he knows that 3 kids are a lot of work but since he himself is a workaholic, I think he doesn't really understand how someone could be not working all the time.

Some of the stuff he complains about I agree with, but other stuff seems irrational.

Blueprint idea good.

Thanks everyone for taking time to read my thread .

I'm better off since going on benefits, in every way. I shut my front door and I am safe. Utterly safe.

We are on a meter. I do sometimes wonder whether he has OCD.
I generally do lmainly ook after the kids only. I think this is what he resents. The main/only thing I do for him is cook meals that are for everybody and include his clothes in the clothes that are washed.

It is true however that he works very hard to provide for us and I think he thinks (maybe rightfully) that I work less hard than he does and have an easy life in comparison and so things like the house should be perfect.