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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused. Drunk = sex = didn't stop when asked

101 replies

EmptyQualityStreetTin · 27/12/2011 14:47

No idea how to write this post so I'll just say what happened.

Last night boyfriend and I went out for a drink. Came back a bit drunk. Ate and went to bed. He began cuddling me quite tightly saying he was keeping me warm but then he got on top of me and forced himself into me. I told him to stop, he didn't. I tried pushing him off and repeatedly told him to stop as he was not wearing a condom and I'm not on the pill but he continued holding me tight to him, not saying a word. All of a sudden he stopped, put his head on my chest and stayed like that for a minute of so before saying we should get some sleep.

Really don't know what to feel about this. He didn't hurt me, he wasn't rough with me and he was not aggressive, it was just as if he didn't realise what he was doing (but obviously he must have, if he'd been that drunk that he was totally unaware of his actions he wouldn't have been ABLE to do what he did in the first place.)
I'm also wondering if I wasn't firm enough when I told him. I'd had a lot to drink too and didn't put up much of a fight but then, I shouldn't bloody have to should I? we shouldn't have to fight our partners off us, saying no should be enough, right?

So what would you think about this? was it because he was drunk? is that an excuse? Was it partly my fault for not punching shouting at him?

Is it any better that he did stop a few minutes later and didn't actually come?

OP posts:
Original poster
EmptyQualityStreetTin · 27/12/2011 14:49

Don't want to drip feed but I probably should mention that he's shown interest in rape fantasy/role play before.

OP posts:
catsareevil · 27/12/2011 14:52

Sorry to be crude, but he stuck his penis inside you when you had told him not to? I think there is a word for that.

BertieBotts · 27/12/2011 14:53

What I think about this is that he raped you :( And I think you think it too but you aren't sure, maybe? Just in the way you said it wasn't aggressive, didn't hurt, wasn't rough.

It doesn't matter how firm (or not) you were, he should have listened the moment your body language indicated you weren't interested, and even if he could somehow have ignored that then, yeah, he should have stopped the minute you said no. You shouldn't have had to get to the situation where you were pushing him off you :(

Is he a new boyfriend? Has he pushed at boundaries before?

chibi · 27/12/2011 14:55

i would think it was rape. i would also think it was not your fault, or your responsibility to prevent it - only one person could have, and he chose not to.

i don't think anyone can tell you what to do, and they definitely shouldn't tell you how you ought to feel, or react - there isn't a right or appropriate way.

hugs to you, i am sorry xx

chibi · 27/12/2011 14:58

rape crisis website there is a freephone number, they can put you in touch with a counsellor in your area

Original poster
EmptyQualityStreetTin · 27/12/2011 15:00

We've been together for around a year, he doesn't drink very often but usually when he does drink he just goes all sleepy.

He has pushed boundaries before if I'm honest, when sober and when we're in bed he'll start doing foreplay on me and if I ask him to stop he sometimes doesn't. He's also tried to have sex with me when I've said no too but has ALWAYS stopped before penetration. This is the first time he's gone all the way.
I didn't think he would go all the way, ever but I feel stupid now for not seeing the signs. I spoke to him about it this morning and he tried to make out that he couldn't remember. He blatantly did though because he never tried to defend himself, I called him up on it and he admitted he had "some" memory of it and said he didn't realise I'd said no. I was trying to push him off me though and wriggle away, he must have noticed!

OP posts:
SolidGoldStockingFilla · 27/12/2011 15:06

Unfortunately, you say this man has pushed boundaries before. Next time he's going to rape you anally. Because every time he pushes a boundary and gets away with it, he's going to tick it off on his little list and go on to the next one.
Because he doesn't think you are a person at all. TO him you are a 'woman' and therefore he's entitled to do what he wants to you, it's just a matter of 'resetting' your boundaries each time.
You may not want to go through the unpleasantness of reporting him to the police, but I would advise you to get rid of him, as he really isn't going to stop doing things to you whenever he feels like it.

Kyte · 27/12/2011 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perceptionreality · 27/12/2011 15:13

This is definitely rape and he's showed he doesn't respect your feelings. You cannot trust him so I would get out of the relationship.

ZhenTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 27/12/2011 15:19

This is rape, you need to report this.

In your own words 'he forced himself into you', you told him to stop, you tried to push him off and repeatedly told him to stop.

A loving boyfriend does not do that, whether drunk or not. As you say yourself, if he was too drunk to know what he was doing he would have been too drunk to get it up in the first place.

Please get some RL support and phone the Police, he will do it again, if not to you to someone else.

dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2011 15:23

I imagine it must be very hard to think of this as rape, or to even consider calling the police. You must be in a bit of shock. If so, you don't have to push yourself to do anything more than you can handle right now.

What you absolutely need to do is:

  1. Break up with him. Now.
  1. Talk to someone -- a helpline, a friend, someone.

You have a chance, right now, to get out and to get help before something even worse happens. I hope you are not even considering staying with him after this.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 27/12/2011 15:25

I'm afraid i have to agree with everyone's posts so far Sad

And please do read Stuffing's post again because that's a lot of sense right there.

You do know this can only get worse...

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 27/12/2011 15:26

sorry! Solid's post

Original poster
EmptyQualityStreetTin · 27/12/2011 15:29

Thanks for the replies. You have confirmed what I thought really. I just can't help feeling that maybe it was my fault partly because although I told him to stop I didn't show any signs of distress or anything. God I'm starting to raise an eyebrow at myself now, I know how this sounds, it's just so hard to explain. I just feel maybe if I'd been a bit more vocal/defensive/aggressive? he would have realised I was being serious.

Obviously the relationship needs to end, I realise that. I'm just having a hard time thinking about what actually happened there.

OP posts:
haddock1976 · 27/12/2011 15:30

Just asked DH for the male point of view, got as far as the end of the fourth sentence and DH said "that's rape".

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, suffice to say that if I was ever treated like that I'd call the police.

chibi · 27/12/2011 15:31

A caring person who was not a rapist would have stopped. This isn't about you needing to be more assertive or explicit - he wanted to rape you, and he did. He knew exactly what he was doing.

nativityneepsntinseltatties · 27/12/2011 15:35

It's really common for women to doubt themselves the way you are, rape myths in society make it hard to. I am so sorry you were raped. Please be careful, breaking up from someone like this can be a very dangerous time. Get some support and get away from this man ASAP.

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 27/12/2011 15:35

Rapes like this are really difficult to process as rape because they don't fit with the common misconceptions about rape. You don't have to scream and shout for it to be rape, you said no. And he simply didn't care.

I'm really sorry

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 27/12/2011 15:38

If you feel you don't want to confront him or report it, that's OK. That might feel like too much to deal with at the moment. But it really really is a good idea to bin him as soon as possible. And then, if he won't back off or leave you alone, then you tell him that he is dumped because he raped you and should be feeling fucking lucky that you haven't reported him to the police. And that if he doesn't leave you alone you will. Because this man needs the equivalent of a good kick in the cock at the very least; what he has done is wrong and unacceptable. You did nothing wrong. NOTHING.

ZhenTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 27/12/2011 15:39

OP have pm'ed you

Xales · 27/12/2011 15:49

Sweetheart you poor thing Sad

I hate to be the harbinger of doom however

Please go and get the morning after pill. Even if he didn't ejaculate there is was contraception.

Please also go and get an STI check just for your own piece of mind.

If you can bring yourself to report it to the police please do. He may have form for this or he may do it again. Any history someone else provides or you provide could stop him doing this again and again to others. Sad

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 27/12/2011 15:51

I just can't help feeling that maybe it was my fault partly because although I told him to stop I didn't show any signs of distress or anything.

These are totally understandable feelings. However, its not your fault in any way.

Its also the feelings that he is banking on as a part of getting you to accept bit by bit what he does. and so he'll encourage you to feel like this.

Xales · 27/12/2011 15:51

Sorry there was no contraception!

dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2011 15:51

Solid is right. The most important thing right now is that you get rid of him. For everything else, do what's best for you and what will help you get through this.

craftyknickers · 27/12/2011 15:54

Oh I'm so sorry this has happened OP. please do not blame yourself, no is no regardless of how agressive you say it.

You shouldn't have to be forceful to make him stop so please stop blaming yourself.

Please leave this man, he doesn't have any remorse as he is pretending he doesn't remember, it will happen again.

The women here are so good talk to them for support and use the rape crisis number. Just please don't stay.