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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused. Drunk = sex = didn't stop when asked

101 replies

EmptyQualityStreetTin · 27/12/2011 14:47

No idea how to write this post so I'll just say what happened.

Last night boyfriend and I went out for a drink. Came back a bit drunk. Ate and went to bed. He began cuddling me quite tightly saying he was keeping me warm but then he got on top of me and forced himself into me. I told him to stop, he didn't. I tried pushing him off and repeatedly told him to stop as he was not wearing a condom and I'm not on the pill but he continued holding me tight to him, not saying a word. All of a sudden he stopped, put his head on my chest and stayed like that for a minute of so before saying we should get some sleep.

Really don't know what to feel about this. He didn't hurt me, he wasn't rough with me and he was not aggressive, it was just as if he didn't realise what he was doing (but obviously he must have, if he'd been that drunk that he was totally unaware of his actions he wouldn't have been ABLE to do what he did in the first place.)
I'm also wondering if I wasn't firm enough when I told him. I'd had a lot to drink too and didn't put up much of a fight but then, I shouldn't bloody have to should I? we shouldn't have to fight our partners off us, saying no should be enough, right?

So what would you think about this? was it because he was drunk? is that an excuse? Was it partly my fault for not punching shouting at him?

Is it any better that he did stop a few minutes later and didn't actually come?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 28/12/2011 11:37

You'll probably go through a whole raft of emotions in the next couple of weeks OP. Take it easy on yourself. Just ending a relationship, even on good terms, is sad and draining, but considering the awful circumstances of this breakup it's bound to take more of a toll on you. Is there someone around that you can talk to in real life?

dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2011 11:37

I wish all the porn defenders on MN would read this thread Angry

OP he must be so desensitised, really nothing you would have done would have stopped him. You mustn't blame yourself for a second.

CailinDana · 28/12/2011 11:40

I totally agree dreaming. I used to be quite blase about porn but over the years I have totally come to believe that it changes the views of even quite normal men to an extent where some of them can't have a healthy sex life any more. I used to watch some porn when I was younger but now it just disgusts me - the vast majority of it involves women being humiliated in some way and it never ever depicts anything close to loving, warm sex.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2011 11:44

db, they would read it and not understand I am afraid

or else, understand on some level and think it doesn't apply to them (or their lovely porn-using partners that they have to defend to rationalise it in their own mind)

dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2011 11:48

Quite right Sad

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 28/12/2011 11:48

don't want to derail onto a whole porn thing. but i had a boyfriend briefly who wept after sex with me. he said it had never felt like that before - just intimate, close, emotional sex where he felt i was really there and with him. he had been a porn user and had constantly been out with porn users who wanted him to set up rape scenes or do x, y or z with them. he'd literally no idea what genuine, connecting, loving sex felt like.

susiedaisy · 28/12/2011 12:03

Have watched this thread with interest and completely agree with the views on heavy porn users, my exH was the same and I can relate completely to this thread unfortunately, op stay strong, you have done absolutely the right thing to question his actions and to finish the relationship,

CailinDana · 28/12/2011 12:04

Sorry to hear that susie :(

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2011 12:31

that is very sad, isn't it santa

susie, if you can relate to this thread, I am very sorry x

Ticklemonster2 · 28/12/2011 12:56

Kate is right. He raped you and it will happen again.
It is not your fault in any way. You said no and that should be enough.
He will do this to someone else. You should report this to the police.
So sorry for you. Stay safe and away from him x

susiedaisy · 28/12/2011 13:15

Going to the police takes tremendous courage it's something I never had the strength to do, op only you know if you can do that, heavy porn use, a sense of entitlement, silent rape (a phrase I use don't know if it's a proper phrase) all those things get jumbled up into one in some mens minds IMO and your left wondering if it was indeed rape or was it me being awkward or misreading the situation, so I can see why the op needed validity from others on here!

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 13:21

Oh FFS don't turn this thread into another porn bunfight. This man will have been a selfish entitled knob all his life, porn or no porn. Lots of men use religion to justify their abuse of women, because it's not hard to justify percieving women as inferiors, objects, etc if you read your sacred texts selectively. This doesn't mean that all men who believe in a god are going to abuse women.

Though I do like the way Santa is now blaming women porn users for not wanting 'loving intimate sex.' Sex is not either lovey-dovey or evil porn-influenced. you know.

fortyplus · 28/12/2011 13:23

When you report it to the police make sure you tell them that it's possible that he has illegal material on his laptop too

dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2011 13:24

Ach SGB, please let's argue about this somewhere else.

I'm a bit worried about the OP as she hasn't been back today. I hope she's okay.

alicethehorse · 28/12/2011 13:28

"When you report it to the police make sure you tell them that it's possible that he has illegal material on his laptop too"

Great idea. Even if he "deletes" it, it'll still be on his computer if you know how to look for it (which the police should do).

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2011 14:22

solid, I would link to the newspaper article I read, but it would out the precise town I live in

I think your argument wouldn't stand against it, I am afraid

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2011 14:25

and FWIW, I didn't refer to it as an argument against porn per se

but as a reminder that heavy porn use is a red flag in a man

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 28/12/2011 14:31

no bun fight from me. just here for the OP so won't respond to the twisting of what i said.

hope you are ok OP. lot of people thinking of you and affirming reality - hang onto that.

MigratingCoconutsInTheNewYear · 29/12/2011 12:50

how are you doing today op?

hotmomma · 29/12/2011 17:47

im sorry to here this get out now no man should make you feel like this. he has pushed boundrys before, and now he has raped you and is not bothered about your rights as a women.

braidedsilver · 29/12/2011 23:05

Good for you ending the relationship. I'm so sorry this happened to you, it's terrible, especially when it comes from some one you love. Be strong, talk to a counselor or professional in this type of thing, whatever you need to feel better. Remember, this too shall pass. I hope you're doing well OP.

OneLieIn · 29/12/2011 23:15

OP, do sorry to hear this. Sounds pretty awful for you and I hope you are doing ok.

LordLurkin · 30/12/2011 01:16

OP - So sorry this has happened to you.

Please be strong in yourself and take heart from the care and kindness I have seen on here.
First thing is never blame yourself or think you were negligent at all. He was the one who is to blame and has a profound lack of respect and basic human care.
I will echo the advice to say well away and never allow him back into your life as he is a dangerous individual.
Aftercare is a good idea right now, as is going to the police about this. This excuse for a man need stopping in his tracks sooner rather than later.

Take care and stay safe (both physically and emotionally)

susiedaisy · 30/12/2011 13:04

OP- Thinking of you hope you're ok.

Proudnscary · 30/12/2011 13:11

Hi OP I've read the whole thread - I think you're really brave and I'm glad you posted, if only to sort out your feelings a bit more. I'm so sorry you have gone through this, I really am. I too believe this man sounds really very dangerous. Hope you are ok.

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