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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused. Drunk = sex = didn't stop when asked

101 replies

EmptyQualityStreetTin · 27/12/2011 14:47

No idea how to write this post so I'll just say what happened.

Last night boyfriend and I went out for a drink. Came back a bit drunk. Ate and went to bed. He began cuddling me quite tightly saying he was keeping me warm but then he got on top of me and forced himself into me. I told him to stop, he didn't. I tried pushing him off and repeatedly told him to stop as he was not wearing a condom and I'm not on the pill but he continued holding me tight to him, not saying a word. All of a sudden he stopped, put his head on my chest and stayed like that for a minute of so before saying we should get some sleep.

Really don't know what to feel about this. He didn't hurt me, he wasn't rough with me and he was not aggressive, it was just as if he didn't realise what he was doing (but obviously he must have, if he'd been that drunk that he was totally unaware of his actions he wouldn't have been ABLE to do what he did in the first place.)
I'm also wondering if I wasn't firm enough when I told him. I'd had a lot to drink too and didn't put up much of a fight but then, I shouldn't bloody have to should I? we shouldn't have to fight our partners off us, saying no should be enough, right?

So what would you think about this? was it because he was drunk? is that an excuse? Was it partly my fault for not punching shouting at him?

Is it any better that he did stop a few minutes later and didn't actually come?

OP posts:
SolidGoldStockingFilla · 27/12/2011 15:58

No love, it wasn't your fault. Would you have carried on playing with his cock and climbing all over him if he'd said, 'No, not now thanks?'

BertieBotts · 27/12/2011 16:08

Please don't feel stupid, or at fault. What you experienced, and are now beating yourself up for, (doubting youself, thinking you "let it happen") are perfectly natural responses. We all think we'd kick and scream and push someone away when this happens, but actually your defence mechanism kicks in and you are much more likely to lie there quietly and not say anything in the hope that it will be over quickly and/or you can kid yourself that you did consent and therefore it is just sex.

Don't discuss it with him, he will probably try and twist your thought processes even more; remember, his own though processes must be pretty screwed up to allow him to do this without guilt.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

tb · 27/12/2011 16:11

I read this earlier, and thought of the morning after pill, glad that other posters have mentioned it. Even if he didn't ejaculate, there is the possibility of leakage of seminal fluid beforehand, so there is still a risk to you of pregnancy.

I also agree with other posters that it was rape, however tempting it is to deny it, as something like that happens to other people.

LadyMedea · 27/12/2011 16:12

Oh dear. I'm so sorry for you that you've experienced this, it must be so confusing. I agree with the other posters this is rape plain and simple. It sounds like you really need to get shot of him.

Hugs.

oikopolis · 27/12/2011 16:37

Oh dear Lord. What a knob. That's rape.

I agree that he'll push the boundary further next time. It's already escalated... it will be worse next time, and the time after, etc. etc. He's doing it slowly exactly because he wants you to blame yourself... so don't play that game. Get rid, and get some counselling. You can decide about reporting during your counselling, if that's better for you.

I'm so sorry.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2011 16:47

I am really sorry this has happened to you. He has been escalating his boundary-pushing until ultimately he can fulfil his "rape" fantasy.

You have to end the relationship. In fact, I hope you already have.

Never mind berating yourself for not seeing it, he has obviously been very clever in his manipulation of you. There must be no more. Do not listen to any justifications, apologies, or promises to change.

OnemorningXmasCockMonkey · 27/12/2011 16:59

I'm so sorry, OP. I agree with everyone else that this was rape, and no matter what you had done he'd have still done it.

No advice but massive hugs xx

MrsMicawber · 27/12/2011 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yellowraincoat · 27/12/2011 17:07

Oh, OP, what an awful thing to happen. Please don't think that you did anything wrong, or because you weren't showing distress that what he did was ok. It doesn't matter at all that he's shown interest in rape fantasies - even if you were into that kind of roleplay too, no is no and a loving partner will respect that.

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 27/12/2011 17:11

You poor thing, don't torture yourself about your part in this, you sound as if you made yourself clear to him, and he wilfully ignored your requests to stop.

Of course you are feeling confused, this isn't a TV like scenario of a stranger grabbing you in an alleyway and forcing sex on you, this was someone you were intimate with and trusted, and felt should listen to your respectful requests to stop. I shudder to think what would have happened, should you have started fighting back physically, i have the feeling this may have escalated the "fantasy" for him.

What he did was wrong, all his fault, and it was rape. Otherwise why wouldn't he have stopped and put on a condom? Why didn't he converse in answer your requests to stop?

Men with rape fantasies? A dangerous road to walk down....I know women that have these and have enacted them in safe boundaries with trusted partners, but there are discussions about how, when, where, codewords for safety etc. Where were these discussions before he began to be forceful?

Please take care of yourself, find someone in RL to discuss with and get away from this man. I would also seriously consider talking to the police about this, with direction from a rape crisis helpline on the procedure.

threefeethighandrising · 27/12/2011 17:23

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It was rape. he was holding you so tightly you couldn't get out. He absolutely knew what he was doing and still does now.

The rape crisis number is 0808 802 9999

Have you got a RL friend you can talk to about this too? And maybe come and stay with you for a couple of days?

I would be seriously tempted to speak to the police too. He needs to know he can't just get away with it.

TooEasilyTempted · 27/12/2011 17:37

I should probably have name changed for this but hey-ho. I had an ex who was into rape role play and I indulged him, but we always agreed beforehand a time, place and a code word for if i really wanted him to stop. He NEVER EVER did anything to me like what your partner has done to you. There is no doubt you have been raped. As other have said, you need to dump him, today. And then see what, if any, further steps you want to take. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Sad

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2011 17:39

TET, you didn't need to namechange

What happens between 2 consenting, uncoerced and fully-interacting adults is between them

That isn't what happened here

Putthatbookdown · 27/12/2011 17:59

he is a sod . What I hate is the sneaky way he did it.You cannot go near him again. he does not want to make an effort does he so he does not respect you. a

yellowraincoat · 27/12/2011 18:03

TET, I totally see your point - me and my partner are also sometimes into roleplay. There is just no way on this earth that it is the same thing.

This guy has totally violated the OPs trust in a way that someone who is respectful of boundaries just wouldn't.

I truly hope you are ok OP and that you can get the help you need.

flatbellyfellaschristmasname · 27/12/2011 18:39

Quality street I certainly hope your tin is empty after this quite unforgettable Rape by your boy friend.Drink is no excuse for rape this will only escalate if you stay in this abusive relationship, please take the advice the ladies on here are advising, seriously . Best Wishes.

KissMyShineyRedA · 27/12/2011 19:01

So sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault. This is rape. The history of other boundary pushing and rape fantasies scare me. I agree with the posters who say he will keep pushing you if you allow him. I wonder if he has a criminal record

dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2011 19:16

Can the public search the sexual offenders database in the UK?

If he has a prior history, there may be a better chance of the police taking it seriously, if you're considering that.

orangeLFDThead · 27/12/2011 19:48

Sorry you have gone through this op. My exh did a very similar to me years ago. I said no a few times but didn't really fight I think a mixture of shock, my parents were sleeping in the room next door and he was my husband. It did only happen the once but he got more physically violent when drunk. I never reported it although I know it was rape and reading this thread confirms to me it was but I still find it hard to accept it was because it didn't meet the stereotype.
My biggest regret was a few years later hearing he had been arrested for rape of his 2nd wife. I felt so guilty that possibly I could of stopped her going through.
Please do leave him regardless of if it happens again, I think I was lucky it only happened the once, you don't deserve to be with someone who respects you so little. If you can please report it too.
Do you live together?

Original poster
EmptyQualityStreetTin · 27/12/2011 19:58

Thank you everyone for the replies and support. I don't really know what to think. It's obvious now that it was rape but I feel so odd about it, I don't know how to explain it. I don't know of any criminal record but he does have a history of excessive porn use. When I spoke to him about it this morning I said to him "I should have punched you, maybe that would have made you realise I was being serious" so he laughed and said "I don't know, that might have turned me on more." He then apologised and said it was a stupid joke but he isn't joking really is he? he means it. It does turn him on. I wouldn't be surprised if there are rape videos on his laptop to be honest. He never lets me on it, always makes excuses like "it's playing up" or "battery is dead" etc.

Bit of a pointless message this really but I just wanted to let you know I am reading replies and taking on board what everyone is saying. Thank You. (and to put minds at rest, the relationship is over).

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 27/12/2011 20:00

OP I'm so sorry but this was rape. And would echo what others have said and get the MAP. You don't want to end up pregnant as well, even though it would be unlikely.

ScarlettIsWalking · 27/12/2011 20:05

I am so sorry but yes it was rape I am sure you knew this deep down. The uncertainty is because we are bloody programmed to think it only happens down a dark alley and not in a relationship or marriage.

It does and I am so sorry this happened to you. What a disgusting human being he is.

ScarlettIsWalking · 27/12/2011 20:09

Just read your last post - he laughed?

Jesus you really need to get the hell away from him quickly.

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 27/12/2011 20:10

You did nothing wrong. Please try not to blame yourself. He has probably done this before and will probably do it again. Protect yourself and try to find the courage to protect others by reporting it.

dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2011 20:11

It's only natural that you feel odd. Be kind to yourself, try to talk to someone about it, and please please keep telling yourself that it's not your fault.

Many of us here have been raped. We've all dealt with it in our own ways, you'll find your own way through. You're still the same person, you'll still have a good life, you just had a shitty thing happen to you and it will take a little while to fully process it.

Definitely get the MAP. You don't want to spend the next few weeks worrying.