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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused. Drunk = sex = didn't stop when asked

101 replies

EmptyQualityStreetTin · 27/12/2011 14:47

No idea how to write this post so I'll just say what happened.

Last night boyfriend and I went out for a drink. Came back a bit drunk. Ate and went to bed. He began cuddling me quite tightly saying he was keeping me warm but then he got on top of me and forced himself into me. I told him to stop, he didn't. I tried pushing him off and repeatedly told him to stop as he was not wearing a condom and I'm not on the pill but he continued holding me tight to him, not saying a word. All of a sudden he stopped, put his head on my chest and stayed like that for a minute of so before saying we should get some sleep.

Really don't know what to feel about this. He didn't hurt me, he wasn't rough with me and he was not aggressive, it was just as if he didn't realise what he was doing (but obviously he must have, if he'd been that drunk that he was totally unaware of his actions he wouldn't have been ABLE to do what he did in the first place.)
I'm also wondering if I wasn't firm enough when I told him. I'd had a lot to drink too and didn't put up much of a fight but then, I shouldn't bloody have to should I? we shouldn't have to fight our partners off us, saying no should be enough, right?

So what would you think about this? was it because he was drunk? is that an excuse? Was it partly my fault for not punching shouting at him?

Is it any better that he did stop a few minutes later and didn't actually come?

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 27/12/2011 20:11

i'm so sorry.

not much of use to add. your 'ex' boyfriend is a rapist. a rapist who thinks it's funny to make jokes about it the next day.

get him out of your life. make very clear that he raped you, you are still undecided about whether to report him and if he comes anywhere near you or your home you will report him.

i'd be tempted to steal and hide the laptop elsewhere as collatoral because you can bet it's full of illegal porn.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 27/12/2011 20:12

I don't think there is such a thing as a pointless post. You have a great deal to sort in your mind and if we can help with that by being here to listen then, all the better. You write what you need to. Smile

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 27/12/2011 20:12

oh and as someone who has gotten pregnant without ejaculation taking place i'd back up the MAP suggestion - it may be rare but i can assure you it happens.

KissMyShineyRedA · 27/12/2011 20:13

He laughed and said "I don't know, that might have turned me on more." He then apologised and said it was a stupid joke but he isn't joking really is he?

Shock he sounds dangerous

orangeLFDThead · 27/12/2011 20:14

Very worrying that he laughed. Glad the relationship is over.

yellowraincoat · 27/12/2011 20:14

Glad this arsehole is out of your life, what a massive twat he sounds. Also suggest morning after pill, just to be safe.

JackMatthias · 27/12/2011 20:16

Rape. Report it to the police. So sorry for you Sad

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 27/12/2011 21:24

I'm glad to read the relationship is over.

How are you feeling now, OP?

I'd echo what others have said about the MAP. Do you feel able to report this?

Please don't blame yourself in any way for this. You didn't cause this. He caused this. He is the only one to blame. Please take some time to look at the link Chibi provided for Rape Crisis. They really are an invaluable resource. Even if you chose not to report this, if you feel the need to talk to someone, there are resources available.

nativityneepsntinseltatties · 27/12/2011 21:31

Are you away from him? Please be careful, he sounds dangerous to me too. I wouldn't be alone with him if I were you.

ImperialBlether · 27/12/2011 21:39

God, what an awful man. Of course it was rape and yes, he sounds dangerous.

I think you should contact the police and report this. He needs to know that you won't put up with it.

Heleninahandcart · 27/12/2011 21:45

It was rape. He has history. If you are in any doubt whatsoever, remember his 'joke' this morning. He remembers, he knows, he doesn't think he has done anything wrong, he made a joke about it.

Good on you OP for getting rid, that took courage. Don't be surprised if you start to re-examine his behaviour whilst you were with him and recall other incidents where he was also showing his true colours. They can do this slowly, almost by stealth. Hindsight is just that, in no way was this your fault. He made the choice to rape you, he is responsible.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 27/12/2011 22:33

and you are free now.

that may sound simpistic but you are FREE of a rapist and abuser.

it may take some healing, it may take some work, but that journey will be a better one than living with a rapist corroding your natural boundaries and gaslighting you into insanity.

Shakey1500 · 27/12/2011 22:43

I'm so sorry. Can only echo what everyone else has said and also stress the MAP as a precaution. He put his own needs/fantasies above your wishes. You are far and away better off without him.

catsareevil · 27/12/2011 22:51

He does sound very concerning. I wonder what is on that laptop.
You are well rid of him.

TurnipCake · 27/12/2011 22:53

Just wanted to echo the supportive messages on here. I have been through it too, there is a much better, happier life ahead of you - but it can't be one with him in it.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/12/2011 22:54

How horrible for you.
The fact that he laughed when you spoke to him about it is making me literally shiver every time I think about it. And I've never even met this nasty man. It's so much worse for you.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 27/12/2011 23:09

Agree wholeheartedly with other posters. Get rid of him now. He sounds hideous. My ExH forced me to have sex saying it would 'make me feel better' after my handbag had been nicked. I felt very confused about it as he wasn't rough or aggressive, just very very insistence and wouldn't listen to anything I said.

Turned out he had a massive porn habit and eventually left to shag prostitutes.

These men are often clever and manipulative. They see you just as flesh and something to have sex on not with. When you stop consenting totally, they dump you and find another sex object to groom for a year or so then start it all over again.

You sound very clued up and strong. Get rid. And don't look back.

threefeethighandrising · 27/12/2011 23:15

EQST is he actually out of your house now?

Original poster
EmptyQualityStreetTin · 27/12/2011 23:21

Yes he is out of the house. Thinking back there were loads of times I should have realised there was a problem. For instance everytime he slept here he'd assume sex was guaranteed. If I said no, he'd say stuff like "let me play with you for a bit, I'll get you in the mood" or if I had a headache he'd go and get me paracetamols and says he'd "wait until they took effect". Just couldn't take no for an answer. He even said once I didn't need to do anything, just lay there. In other words, he just wanted a body to masturbate into. I am so so so annoyed at myself.

Well I'm going to bed now but I'll come back on tomorow when I will hopefully have a clearer head. Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 27/12/2011 23:24

Sounds horrible. Don't be annoyed with yourself, be annoyed with him. You should feel proud for getting out of it, not easy. Hope you sleep well.

dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2011 08:38

Hope you are feeling okay today OP.

Sorry to nag but please do get the MAP today... you can get it at lots of pharmacies without a prescription even.

Has he tried to contact you?

You've done so well to end things and keep it together, well done Smile

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 28/12/2011 08:39

You are well rid of him!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 28/12/2011 10:00

meh you can be annoyed with yourself for not knowing/doing earlier or you can celebrate and take pride in yourself for knowing and acting now. i know which one is more constructive and healthy and true!

RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 28/12/2011 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2011 11:26

I read yesterday about a male who was recently jailed for raping someone he knew

In his summing up, the judge acknowledged that what led him to this heinous crime was acting out the fantasies that the perp's use of porn had escalated to the point where he no longer understood what constituted consent

it seems there are a few of these people around

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