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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic Violence or just a row that got out of hand?

100 replies

LolnWoody · 22/12/2011 11:00

I'll try and be brief.

DP asks if I fancy going to the cinema on wednesday night (last night). I said not really as I really need to revise for an exam and get my assignment finished. He went in a grump but left it there.

Last night I was up in the bedroom on my laptop. He came in and I was on facebook. He said "I thought you were studying??" and I said "I am, I'm just having a break".

To cut a long section of the story short, a row then erupted where he accused me of lying to him, deliberately avoiding spending any time with him and "blowing hot and cold" with him. I told him he was being ridiculous and paranoid. I went downstairs and put the kettle on. He followed me and carried on the row in the kitchen. Voice rising and becoming more animated until he was right in my face shouting at me. I told him I'd discuss it with him when he'd calmed down (was this patronising?? I didn't mean it to be). At this point he snarled at me "You and your fucking mind games" and poked me hard in the head (enough to make me slightly off balance).

My natural instinct here was to push him away from me which I tried to do but he whacked my arm away and pushed me backwards so I fell onto the oven (it wasn't on thank god) lost my footing and fell over. His first response to this was "for fucks sake, that was your own fault" and he came to help me up.

I went to leave the room, he prevented me from doing so and said I wasn't leaving until we'd discussed it. I told him I was leaving the room until we'd both calmed down. He grabbed my arm as I tried to push past and I tried to knock it away from me, he went nuts and put his hand under my jaw and pushed me against the wall (to anyone else it would have looked like he had me by the throat but it wasn't, it was my jaw, not that it makes it any better you just trying to be clear so not to drip feed). I caved at this point, began to cry and told him he was hurting me. He let go straight away and put his hands on his head and said he was sorry. I then left the room and went back upstairs.

He has since acted like it was no big deal and has apologised etc. I don't know what to think. He never actually hit me and only pushed me when I pushed him. He is stressed with work and christmas etc. As am I. So is this just a row that got out of hand or worse?

OP posts:
stuffthenonsense · 22/12/2011 11:12

Yes it is a row that got out of hand BUT please see it as a warning sign, next time you have a row that gets out of hand it may be worse.
With some people, if they get away with it once, or win you round with apologies and gifts, or convince you it was an accident etc etc....they take it as permission to do it again..please, please be careful. (((((((hugs))))))))

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 22/12/2011 11:12

In no circumstance would it be reasonable to force someone against a wall by their jaw, wtf?!

What do you think, reading that back in black & white?

Scoundrel · 22/12/2011 11:14

Domestic violence without a doubt. Are you ok?

Akiram · 22/12/2011 11:17

His behaviour after should tell you - he thinks it is no big deal.
Many people lose their temper but to stop someone leaving a room and then hold them against the wall by their jaw? That isn't a row that got out of hand, thats abuse.

WhizziesMum · 22/12/2011 11:18

I'm not sure, has he ever done anything like this before? It is a bit worrying though, especially as he is acting like it is no big deal. Part of me thinks that if it was just a one off that got out of hand he would be mortified and trying to make it up to you?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/12/2011 11:19

There wasn't just one out-of-hand handsy moment there, but a whole succession:

- poked me hard in the head (enough to make me slightly off balance)
- he whacked my arm away and pushed me backwards ... His first response to this was "for fucks sake, that was your own fault"
- I went to leave the room, he prevented me from doing so
- He grabbed my arm as I tried to push past
- he went nuts and put his hand under my jaw and pushed me against the wall

Clearly, he doesn't want to control physical displays of aggression around you.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/12/2011 11:22

I always try to get couples to agree not to touch each other or prevent each other leaving a room when angry.

What would happen if you put that to him?

BertieBotts · 22/12/2011 11:26

The fact that you're not sure if this is a normal row which got out of hand speaks volumes to me ... I mean, the whole row in the beginning sounds massively unreasonable on his part. In a normal, healthy relationship if you said "No I can't go out tonight, I'm studying" that wouldn't make the other partner "get in a grump" and even if they did come up to see how you are (not check up on you) they wouldn't comment if you were having a break.

So I think it's fairly likely that to accept this as a "normal" row (even before the "out of hand" part) there is some form of emotional abuse in your relationship. And then as others have said - his reaction when he got physical is, without question, violence. :(

Akiram · 22/12/2011 11:28

What Bertie said. Spot on imo.

ThatVikRinA22 · 22/12/2011 11:29

how long have you been together op?
is this the first time anything like this has happened?

MrsJoeDuffy · 22/12/2011 11:50

violent reaction to a normal situation. DV.

Andy1964 · 22/12/2011 11:59

I'm not even going to read what the other posts say, I'm just going to wade straight in.

Under NO circumstances should any one, let alone a partner, treat another person like this.

I don't know what your personal circumstances are but I would not expect you to hang around for long.
Either that or he realises what he has done and gets treatment.

I've had blazing rows with my DW but NEVER have I resorted to holding or manhandling her.

It is NOT excusable!

loopylou6 · 22/12/2011 12:00

I'd of stuck my neck out and said it got out of hand until I read the pinning you by the jaw bit. That's disgraceful and should be treated as DV.

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/12/2011 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzypeach1750 · 22/12/2011 12:03

DV. Really hope you are ok. X

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2011 12:05

It's straightforward violence. What would you think if a friend invited you to the cinema and responded in that way?

Akiram · 22/12/2011 12:06

If you are still not sure then just think for a minute. If you disagreed with a friend of yours would they behave in the same way? If you were in a pub and accidentally knocked against a stranger and they held you up against a wall by your jaw, would you think it is ok? I'm guessing no.
If you think "well he's never behaved like this before, or he has never hit me before" just remember that every abuser didn't start off giving a black eye or a slap, they started with a push, with intimidation. Then it gets worse.

AChristmouseTail · 22/12/2011 12:17

Imagine your friend wrote what you just did or told you in person and you could see the face that you are wearing right now.

What would you tell her? Honestly?

Thought so.

I'm sorry. Please, please be careful.

'Sorry' won't change the way he treats you, or what he is capable of when he doesn't get his own way.

Be careful and try to talk to someone you trust about this, you will/do need support.

I have no doubt that your head is all over the place because you don't want this to be DV. Who does?

You need to decide what YOU want to do now.

You could always have a look HERE for help. Maybe talk to someone who doesn't know either of you, see what they say but I bet most of the posters on here will tell you that no matter what, no-one deserves to be treated like that.

LovingChristmas · 22/12/2011 12:22

Ok, I'm probably going to get a flaming but here goes.

When me and DH first got together, we both had wicked tempers and when drink was added, (not alco's by the way just a couple of nights out every few months) we could row like mad, on one occasion I lost it, was throwing things and stopped DH (was DP) at the time leaving the room, he ended up pushing me out of the way and hurting me (provoked by me in this case without question) by pushing to hard, I still wouldn't let up and was in a rage, he shut himself in the bathroom saying if he didn't he was likely to half kill me, anyway next day I was beyond mortified, I couldn't apologise enough, DH also mortified I was bruised on my arm, BUT it made us both realise that we have to watch it, and I in particular cannot drink any spirits as I just turn into a raving loony on them.

This was eight years ago and although we occasionally have a row (and I'm talking less than one per year) we have never ever gone back to that, we both realised how bad it was and how the relationship could have gone, instead I acknowledge DH needs to leave the room after a row and I'm a shouter during a row. It wasn't big or clever but it was a one off that has never happened again. I think alot would depend for me on how your OH is responding at the moment, a quick sorry and nothing else doesn't cut it, I was apologising for weeks after (and I do fully accept it was me, DH pushed to move me) and so was he, I'm still embarrased I behaved in this way and it is completely not acceptable.

Only you can make the choice on if you think it was a complete one off or if he does things already that just make you wonder about him.

Good luck, I know how hard it can be.

Please don't flame me everyone, I'm just being honest on how it went for us, and it genuinely was a one off which I will (with the best will in the world) never ever repeat.

Akiram · 22/12/2011 12:26

Loving I don't think you would get a flaming. Things got out of hand. You were mortified and took steps to stop a repeat performance. That is very different to saying "its is no big deal" the next day.

PeppermintParsonsNose · 22/12/2011 12:28

I don't think anyone would flame you for that. My dp and me have been like that in the past, much worse if I'm honest.

AChristmouseTail · 22/12/2011 12:29
Wink

Loving - I think a few people if they were being totally honest, have had a heated 'discussion' with a partner at one time or another.

I'm not condoning physical, mental or emotional abuse but sometimes, just sometimes, there's a step taken that's too far over the line.

However, I do not think that this is the case here. Sorry. x

Sudaname · 22/12/2011 12:30

My 1st DH started by shouting in my face then a bit of pushing and shoving followed by eventually making me fear for my life on more than one occasion. What worries me in your case is he doesnt even seem sorry - as someone else said - a one off genuinely you would think he would be mortified but he doesnt even think its that bad Confused. Ask yourself this - if he doesnt think it was that bad whats to stop him repeating behaviour ? and god only knows what he's capable of if he ever 'really' loses his temper. He has crossed that line now and men capable of DV are much more likely to re-offend than not once they have done so.

Sorry but its a 'run for the hills' from me l'm afraid. Look after yourself - please - and do not under any circumstances let him make you think its you - that is typical in DV - 'blame the victim'. So Sad for you that you are going through this. Very good advice on here to be had so keep posting if safe to do so.

LovingChristmas · 22/12/2011 12:32

Thanks Akiram,

I don't want people to think I'm saying it's ok for people to behave as the OP's OH did, or in fact I did, I just wanted to say that even though it has happened, it doesn't always mean it's the start of an awful downward slope where DV happens all the time, it can be a traumatic time for both of the people involved, but if it is a one off and there is never a repeat you can move on and acknowledge that there are far better ways to handle a situation.

duvetdayplease · 22/12/2011 12:35

I would say if it happened to me I would be leaving. Grabbing someone by the jaw is not normal. The head poke - weird. The push back where you fell on the cooker - maybe just a reaction. What followed - out of order.

I think the most worrying is he has acted like it is no big deal. People who brush these things off as normal are dangerous. He should be really really worried about himself, about his loss of temper.

I lose my temper sometimes but tend to go away and lose it out of the way of other people. I don;t think everyone should be calm all the time but they should not hurt other people.