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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic Violence or just a row that got out of hand?

100 replies

LolnWoody · 22/12/2011 11:00

I'll try and be brief.

DP asks if I fancy going to the cinema on wednesday night (last night). I said not really as I really need to revise for an exam and get my assignment finished. He went in a grump but left it there.

Last night I was up in the bedroom on my laptop. He came in and I was on facebook. He said "I thought you were studying??" and I said "I am, I'm just having a break".

To cut a long section of the story short, a row then erupted where he accused me of lying to him, deliberately avoiding spending any time with him and "blowing hot and cold" with him. I told him he was being ridiculous and paranoid. I went downstairs and put the kettle on. He followed me and carried on the row in the kitchen. Voice rising and becoming more animated until he was right in my face shouting at me. I told him I'd discuss it with him when he'd calmed down (was this patronising?? I didn't mean it to be). At this point he snarled at me "You and your fucking mind games" and poked me hard in the head (enough to make me slightly off balance).

My natural instinct here was to push him away from me which I tried to do but he whacked my arm away and pushed me backwards so I fell onto the oven (it wasn't on thank god) lost my footing and fell over. His first response to this was "for fucks sake, that was your own fault" and he came to help me up.

I went to leave the room, he prevented me from doing so and said I wasn't leaving until we'd discussed it. I told him I was leaving the room until we'd both calmed down. He grabbed my arm as I tried to push past and I tried to knock it away from me, he went nuts and put his hand under my jaw and pushed me against the wall (to anyone else it would have looked like he had me by the throat but it wasn't, it was my jaw, not that it makes it any better you just trying to be clear so not to drip feed). I caved at this point, began to cry and told him he was hurting me. He let go straight away and put his hands on his head and said he was sorry. I then left the room and went back upstairs.

He has since acted like it was no big deal and has apologised etc. I don't know what to think. He never actually hit me and only pushed me when I pushed him. He is stressed with work and christmas etc. As am I. So is this just a row that got out of hand or worse?

OP posts:
Akiram · 22/12/2011 12:35

Loving but you can only move on and ensure there is never a repeat if you are aware you have done wrong in the first place. You knew you had behaved badly, didn't blame your OH and you took steps (eg cutting back on alcohol) to ensure it didn't happen again. Sadly I don't think that is the case with OP.

daisystone · 22/12/2011 12:48

Row that got out of hand. Not every bit of pushing and shoving is domestic violence. People do things without thinking sometimes or without meaning to. Doesn't make them an abuser. The main thing is that he is sorry and he knows it upset you and then draw a line under it.

I hate the fact that the term domestic abuse gets dredged up after every row. This is life and shit happens. You can't label everything - and once you have labelled something you then can't take that label off. So be careful before you class it as such.

Not that I am saying it is healthy to be doing this regularly but mistakes get made.

Akiram · 22/12/2011 12:56

The main thing is that he is sorry
Really Daisy? The Op said that although he has apologised he doesn't think it's a big deal. Thats ok is it?

puzzlesum · 22/12/2011 13:06

I agree with duvetday - although none of it was acceptable, the fact it continued after the push into the cooker is the dealbreaker in my mind, along with the fact he is trivialising it today. Unlike the genuine remorse shown by others on this thread where they have had a heated row.

A friend of mine (female) had a similar, but less violent, incident with a flat-mate (also female) over something trivial. She did not hesitate to go the police.

MIFLAW · 22/12/2011 13:06

Loving

The other difference in your post is that it sounds like you were both violent - throwing stuff etc.

The OP was clearly permanently on the defensive and her partner on the offensive.

I am a man and know thta I have a temper too. I don't act like the OP's partner though. The point in the OP where it switches for me from "benefit of the doubt" to "out of order" is the bit about the jaw. Up till then, if you wanted to be generous, you could blame losing balance, just wanting someone to discuss something (and therefore perhaps holding on to them to make them stay), not knowing his ow strength, loss of temper ... But when you "[go] nuts and put his hand under my jaw and pushed me against the wall" that's clear cut, surely? That's taking physical advantage of someone weaker in order to scare them.

inatrance · 22/12/2011 13:07

I'm so sorry OP but what he did to you was abusive, clear and simple. I am Shock that anyone could ever possibly excuse his behaviour as being 'normal'. Or just what people do when they row. Bollocks, this is Domestic Abuse, without a shadow of a doubt.

Daisystone and any others who think this is a row that just got a bit out of hand - Did you read this bit?

"My natural instinct here was to push him away from me which I tried to do but he whacked my arm away and pushed me backwards so I fell onto the oven (it wasn't on thank god) lost my footing and fell over. His first response to this was "for fucks sake, that was your own fault" and he came to help me up."

THAT is NOT the response of a normal person, caught up in the moment in a row. He is NOT sorry, any non abusive man would be horrified if they had temporarily lost it and he did a succession of threatening and abusive things. Also "He has since acted like it was no big deal"

It IS a big deal, it's a fucking MASSIVE deal, he attacked you OP. He caused a row then ATTACKED you. If he had done that to a stranger he would be currently looking at an assault charge. Anyone who thinks that this kind of behaviour is normal within a relationship is wrong, and I worry for them if they think that your partner screaming in your face, shoving you or having you up against the wall is normal.

I know this must be so shocking and upsetting for you OP, especially the week before Xmas, this is NOT your fault, your H has behaved horrendously and you are to blame for NONE of this. Please contact Women's Aid, please talk to people IRL that you trust. You need to gather your resources and please think about getting out. NO-ONE EVER has the right to treat you like that EVER, no matter what.

duvetdayplease · 22/12/2011 13:19

No, not every bit of pushing and shoving is DV. But I would say pretty much every bit of grabbing someone by the jaw and pinning them up against the wall is. Especially when he only stopped because OP cried and he doesn't seem that bothered today.

If anyone pinned me up against a wall, by my throat or my jaw, I'd be shitting myself.

cestlavielife · 22/12/2011 13:46

" he went nuts " essentially because he thought you were avoiding spending time with him.
not good is it?

and violence includes all violence pushing shoving etc. dv does not jsut mean a "hit".

if he is mortified today then he understands what he did
if it is no big deal - he will do it again...

catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 13:48

The key thing for me when I read the op was that he BLAMED HER when she fell over, he is projecting his behaviour as her fault, a bad sign.

daisystone · 22/12/2011 14:34

I admit the grabbing by the jaw is full on. I suppose the pushing shoving falling over can be explained away as these things happen in the heat of the moment but the jaw bit takes things further.
I do think that if it is the first time he has ever done it though I would not be brandishing him an abuser. I just wouldn't

MrsJoeDuffy · 22/12/2011 14:39

I suppose the pushing shoving falling over can be explained away as these things happen

I'm glad I don't live in your house then.

daisystone · 22/12/2011 14:49

Things happen. Not all the time. But there is a difference between getting heated once or twice and regularly hitting your partner

ScarlettIsWalking · 22/12/2011 14:52

I feel so sorry for any woman who would think pushing and shoving was normal.
Some people bending over backwards to see the nuances of his actions as acceptable.

Op you must be so desperate to stay with a man capable of this. Wake up, smell the arabica it is violence and it will get worse.

ScarlettIsWalking · 22/12/2011 14:56

And there was no "row" where was the row and what was it over exactly? He was picking on you and bullying you and physically overpowering you.

edam · 22/12/2011 15:00

OP, I'm afraid this is domestic violence. He used physical force against you, not just once but repeatedly. And he blamed you. Saying 'sorry' is not enough. He's got away with this, he'll do it again. Get rid now, while you still can.

JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 15:05

DV. Without a shadow of a doubt.

daisystone · 22/12/2011 15:06

Oh you are all so judy judy perfect! A man can truly make a mistake you know! So can a woman. You don't just pack your bags and leave at one incident where you have a long and happy relationship.

daisystone · 22/12/2011 15:07

Judgy judgy (obviously you aren't all Judy)

KatieScarlettsCrackers · 22/12/2011 15:09

DV, absolutely. Especially when he blamed you for his actions.

Sapphirefling · 22/12/2011 15:10

It is domestic violence. Beginning and end of.
10 years ago I would have thought it was acceptable. Just a one off. Something that happens in everyones relationships. Normal.

Now I know very differently. Never, ever again will a man use his physical strength to over power and control me. NEVER.

You deserve better than to be treated like this. People with vile tempers who hurt people they are supposed to love don't deserve a second chance. Line crossed, relationship ends.

fuzzywuzzy · 22/12/2011 15:12

Op do you have children with this person?

From your description he sounds like he wanted a fight, one he could blame on you.

What's keeping you with him?

I'd take this as indication of things to come, it will get worse.

How long have you been together?

JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 15:13

Hmmm...although one incident, hardly one 'mistake'. Let's see:

-Poking in the head

-Pushing into the oven

-Grabbing and hitting of arm

-Refusing to let OH escape

-Grabbing by jaw and forcing into the wall

One of those in isolation = mistake, perhaps. Taken together, whilst not necessarily a deal breaker, they do necessitate him leaving and not coming back until he's sorted out some issues via counselling or anger management.

ScarlettIsWalking · 22/12/2011 15:20

" a man can make a mistake you know"

Sustained baiting and shoving your partner around is NOT some mistake. It is willful.

JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 15:22

'Zackly!

ScarlettIsWalking · 22/12/2011 15:23

Daisy out of interest what level of violence would make you pack your bags and leave this happy relationship?

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