Domestic Violence or just a row that got out of hand?

[LolnWoody]

I'll try and be brief.

DP asks if I fancy going to the cinema on wednesday night (last night). I said not really as I really need to revise for an exam and get my assignment finished. He went in a grump but left it there.

Last night I was up in the bedroom on my laptop. He came in and I was on facebook. He said "I thought you were studying??" and I said "I am, I'm just having a break".

To cut a long section of the story short, a row then erupted where he accused me of lying to him, deliberately avoiding spending any time with him and "blowing hot and cold" with him. I told him he was being ridiculous and paranoid. I went downstairs and put the kettle on. He followed me and carried on the row in the kitchen. Voice rising and becoming more animated until he was right in my face shouting at me. I told him I'd discuss it with him when he'd calmed down (was this patronising?? I didn't mean it to be). At this point he snarled at me "You and your fucking mind games" and poked me hard in the head (enough to make me slightly off balance).

My natural instinct here was to push him away from me which I tried to do but he whacked my arm away and pushed me backwards so I fell onto the oven (it wasn't on thank god) lost my footing and fell over. His first response to this was "for fucks sake, that was your own fault" and he came to help me up.

I went to leave the room, he prevented me from doing so and said I wasn't leaving until we'd discussed it. I told him I was leaving the room until we'd both calmed down. He grabbed my arm as I tried to push past and I tried to knock it away from me, he went nuts and put his hand under my jaw and pushed me against the wall (to anyone else it would have looked like he had me by the throat but it wasn't, it was my jaw, not that it makes it any better you just trying to be clear so not to drip feed). I caved at this point, began to cry and told him he was hurting me. He let go straight away and put his hands on his head and said he was sorry. I then left the room and went back upstairs.

He has since acted like it was no big deal and has apologised etc. I don't know what to think. He never actually hit me and only pushed me when I pushed him. He is stressed with work and christmas etc. As am I. So is this just a row that got out of hand or worse?

Doesn't sound good to me. The shouting in your face and swearing at you is bad enough, but the grabbing and shoving is completely out of order - and he told you it was your fault as well?

I think you need to be very clear with him (and yourself) that this must never happen again. Yes there will be times when he gets stressed and maybe loses his temper (same for all of us), but he needs to deal with it better - e.g. go for a walk, go in another room to cool down etc - because this is not a normal or acceptable way for an adult to deal with their frustrations.

Honestly he should be ashamed of himself, a grown man having a violent tantrum like this because you won't 'take' him to the cinema (why couldn't he go on his own, if it was such a big deal to him?). If he can't see that himself, and do something about it, he really needs to attend some kind of anger management or counselling.

It's the stuff that came before the violence as well though isn't it? The sulking because he did not get his own way, the tantrum because she was not studying at he precise moment he came in, and a possible problem with the fact that she was on facebook. Then accusing YOU of lying, accusing YOU of playing mind games.
This, without the subsequent violence is worrying. Coupled WITH the violence?

Get out of this relationship. ASAP.

DV without a doubt . It wasn't a row, was a long series of bullying intimidating behaviours, starting with going in a grump and checking up on you when you were having a break. The physical stuff must have been terrifying. Are you ok? that he a) blamed you for falling over and b) is acting like nothing happened makes it even worse. He doesn't feel particularly bad about it, and will do it again.

It's easy to tell her to leave because you are not in her position. Until you have this happen to you (for the first time) you won't know how you will react. As I have said, if it is becoming a pattern and the other partner is blaming you and not feeling remorse then you would hope she would leave.

But say she has been with him for a long time and they are very happy and this came from nowhere. Then she just packs her bags does she? Hand on heart most of you have no idea what you would actually do.

He doe NOT need anger management...I wish this would go in!!!!!

These men are not angry, they are controlling and will do whatever it takes to maintain control of their victims.

They do not treat everyone like this, not their boss, not the milkman, not the checkout person....only their partner. They CHOOSE to do it, They choose not to inflict it on anyone else, they absolutely can control their temper/anger.

Daisy....you really do not know what you are talking about. Lucky you.

daisystone I can put my hand on my heart and say that I would do this. I was in a similar position, and I didn't leave (relationship seemed good at other times). It got worse and worse. Very much worse, and by that point I felt trapped and it took a long time to gather up the strength to leave. I wish to God I'd left at the first incidence of DV.

daisy it's easy to tell someone to leave when you have been in the same position. I have been and my instinct is screaming 'leave', the same as many other posters on here.

singingprincess - you have no idea what I do and don't know. Patronising to assume you know a thing about me or my situation.

I just think she should talk to him, tell him what she thinks, tell him what she expects in future and make him understand how seriously she takes it and how it has made her feel but I DON'T think that jacking her relationship in now is the way to go. Obviously she can do what she likes, but I would not.

And for those who think I live in a Disney Stepford wife bubble - I don't. I have a point of reference.

Daisy, like TGTF and fuzzypeach, I can put my hand on my heart and tell OP to leave because I have been in her position.

It is DV. And it is unacceptable.

That is quite simply dangerous advice daisystone.

Depends. On these boards violence can be understandable is you are female and under stress. So using that logic! With women violence can be understandable due to stress. With men it must be DV. Go figure.

Projection is rife on these boards op. People who have been through affairs will presume cheating. People who have been through DV, will shout abuser.

There is no middle or grey ground, unless you are female. Only you truly know if this is him, if this is going to get worse. It doesn't matter what others call it. It is how you feel. If it was a one off due to extreme stress, as others have described here.

One thing I have noticed on my time here. People are very quick to scream leave him. Yet don't offer much practical help with that apart from the WA number. It's easy to write that from their now comfy homes. How do you leave, where do you go, what about the money, your life, your emotions?

It gets too soap opera like in here. People soon lose interest in your thread when you don't tow the line and do as they say and leave

Give me an example "on these boards" of people condoning female violence due to stress or anything else.

There are certain patterns of behaviour that indicate that things will get worse. Those things are present here. Just because someone doesn't understand that,doesn't make it not true.

BecauseImperfect - i applaud you. Beautifully said.

The I picked up my phone to the OW one. I read the first two pages and the last 2. Is the most recent.

No condoning. Lots of understanding about a woman physically attacking her husband several times in front of the children. There have been a couple since I've joined.

If it can be a one off for a woman it can be for a man too. Have you not read some of these people it has happened to?

Op it's down to you what you think. Ultimately if you don't leave or post a new drama, people will lose interest and the thread will be forgotten. As always happens. People like the drama and the power of getting people to leave.

People will tell you to leave and give you the WA number and leave you to it. So you need to think what it is you want from this thread.

Just because someone doesn't understand, does not make it not true.

No projection.

Just fact.

It is not normal behaviour to do what the OP's partner did. Someone upthread said they wouldn't jack their relationship in because of this. That is their advice. Other people are giving different advice. It is an open forum. What I would say is it is dangerous, when violence on this scale has happened, to advise someone to continue their relationship and not heed the very obvious signs that this could happen again. He ratcheted up the violence very quickly. What would you say to the OP should it happen again I wonder-"oh well, you got battered again, perhaps you ought to think about doing something about it".

What if she's too badly damaged to do anything? What then?

Who are you SP, to presume people don't understand DV? Or dismissing others experiences who have posted here?

Patronising to the core.

Word to the wise, putting fact on the end of a sentence doesn't make it so.

Op I've got to go out. But think carefully. You'll get lots of un mn be encouraged to leave, told to phone wa. All so easy to type out isn't it? When they don't know you, your situation, and couldn't care less. Your thread is a drama to pass time.

See the condom thread. The fastest moving on here yesterday. No-one cares anymore. the op hasn't left. There is no more drama to be had. These posters don't always have your best interests at heart.

I can say to you. If it were me it would be curtains. I'm not you.

OP you have the advantage at this point in your life of 'knowing' that what he did was wrong. And being strong enough to chose never to let it happen to you again . NO ONE has the right to hurt someone else. And I suspect that some of those who are urging you to play down the seriousness of this assault have actually been the perpetrators in their own relationships.
A member of my family once told me that the first time DV happens to you, you are a victim. The second time, you are a volunteer (I think it's something that is quoted in some of the myriad of literature she read in order to try and understand why I wouldn't leave) The message didn't get through to me then. It took another few assaults before the light began to shine through. He 'may' never hurt you again. He 'may' push you so hard next time that you are seriously hurt. It's 50:50. You shouldn't have to live your life waiting to see what path he will take.

Daisy I've been there too & hand on heart I would not let it get to a second time, I would leave,

I did leave.

It was the best thing I did.

Well said Sapphire

In a very good position Ta, Imperfect.

I DO care...very much. And I hope that the benefit of my experience, and subsequent learning on this subject helps the OP avoid worse violence, and emotional abuse in the future.

I posted on here a year ago about my own relationship. I got a lot of good and thoughtful advice. I had been in a place where I was thinking that the abuse was my fault for not keeping a tidy enough house/inadvertently pushing his buttons. I had never discussed my relationship irl, and had lost all perspective and most of my self-esteem. I got way more than 'call WA', and still get (and hopefully give) support on the Emotional Abuse thread.

Leaving wasn't easy. My lifestyle is certainly not what it was. But I'm a lot happier and so are my DCs. I don't have any sense that the posters on 'my' thread were getting some vicarious thrill. The gave generously of their time and (often hard-won) wisdom.

OP you've heard everyone else's opinion. The overwhelming majority are saying it's DV. And that the lack of remorse on his part is the clincher for lots of people. Good luck whatever you decide to do.