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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No one to talk to, don't know what to make of it all.

76 replies

nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 07:06

I have no one to talk to about this so posting here. dh and I have been having problems for a while. I hate the way he speaks to me. For example this morning I had to get up to go to work ( he is not working just now) and so I asked him to take the baby. He told me to put her in the cot. I said but she will cry if I put her there. He said he was getting straight up and put her in the cot. I said can't you just take her then, if I put her in the cot she will get really upset. He told me to fuck off and shut my face. I get that a lot when we are disagreeing about something. I asked him then and there not to talk to me like that but I just get more of the same. Shut my shitty mouth, or shut your ugly face etc. I don't want to have to listen to that all the time and I don't want my kids hearing it but nothing I say makes any difference. It makes me feel horrible to be spoken to like that. He is also really derogatory about what I do, calls it a waste of time and blames me continuing my training in that area a waste of time.

Can he change or am I being unrealistic. Do other people's dh's speak to them like this? I don't really know what to do next. I don't know how to prepare for being on my own, especially financially. Who can I speak to? Dh deals with all that. I am bad at numbers. Then I wonder if I am overreacting. It would be terrible for the kids (Ds 4 and dd 10 months) to not have there dad around. What is more damaging? I have no idea and I have no one to talk it all through with.

OP posts:
Akiram · 22/12/2011 08:41

It doesn't matter what your job is surely? I used to work as a cleaner, my DH never once belittled me.

itsxmascryingagain · 22/12/2011 08:52

He's a verbally abusive twat. This type rarely change - they have no need to because many woman/men put up with it and the beahviour becomes "normal", "accepted". Only you can decide on the future of your relationship but your children deserve to be raised in a home where affection and respect surround not just them but their hardworking mother also.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 08:57

I am at work now, be back later. Thank you

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 08:59

It doesn't matter what your job is, was trying to make the point that abusive idiots will belittle you whatever it is you do.

I remember you other thread nativity, if I remember correctly you were looking at leaving him?

ballstoit · 22/12/2011 09:08

It's hard to accept, but this is not normal behaviour between partners in a relationship. The thing is, it's only in retrospect that I realise how much I adjusted my behaviour to try to avoid verbal abuse from ex-H. Sadly it's also only with hindsight that I realise how much his behaviour impacted on my DC.

DS (6) and DD1 (4) spent a lot of time around ex-H when he was at his most abusive, verbally, financially and, to some extent, financially. They were both clingy toddlers and found settling into school difficult. DD2 (2) has never lived with her father as he left when I was pg with her. She is far more confident, and is happy to meet new people. I think that the older 2 were worried about leaving me with their Dad because of the way he behaved.

The sooner you plan to make changes - either he changes or you leave - the sooner you can carry out your plan. You manage financially on your wage at the moment so that shouldn't be a huge issue. The one thing I would check with a legal bod is whether your DH would be likely to gain residency as he has been their 'main carer' while you have been working. Keep posting, there is a lot of support whatever you decide and however quickly/slowly you choose to do do.

zookeeper · 22/12/2011 09:08

Hi Nativity I think you should at least find out what are your rights/likely income etc if you decide to end your relationship. If you work over 16 hours a week you qualify for working tax credits which are quite generous and you would get help with childcare costs too. You can find benefits calculators online.

Also no harm to book an appointment with a family solicitor - loads of them do a free half hour.

I would start to gather together things that you would need if you divorce - a list of your bank accounts, debts, any up to date mortgage/pension/policy statements and your marriage certificate as you will need that if you start divorce proceedings - you may not be contemplating this now but no harm to have them all in one place should things get worse quickly.

FWIW I can't imagine separating from this man would be more damaging to your dcs than have them listening to his abuse. My worry for them would be that they would grow up thinking that this was normal behaviour and go on to have abusive relationships themselves.

You could try talking to Women's aid and looking at the Domestic violence threads here for support.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 10:49

Hadn't even thought of him getting the kids. I do 4 days with them, Ds goes to nursery when I am at work. He takes the baby.

Finances are mess, dh was doing the extension and it went over budget so there is a lot of debt. I need to find out figures.

OP posts:
Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 10:56

On a totally seperate note I am pretty sure he hasn't bought me anything for Xmas. He didn't get me anything for my birthday, well a small box of chocolates last minute. We are staying at my brothers, it will be embarrassing.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 22/12/2011 10:56

You will feel much better if you know what your options are, so find out as much as you can and get good advice. You will be fine.

catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 11:00

Doesn't sound like he would even want to try for residency of the kids from what you have posted, I wouldn't worry about that for now anyway.

I would be looking at exactly where your finances are so you have a good idea. Look at the entitled to website to ascertain what you would be entitled to if you were to go it alone with the dc's.
How have you managed financially with 1 part time wage and all the extension work?

Would you want to stay in the house if you decided to separate/divorce?

catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 11:01

It won't be embarrassing for you but for him, for you I would imagine it would be hurtful. :(

PeppermintParsonsNose · 22/12/2011 11:02

Ugh I'm so sorry nativity he sounds utterly vile. This is not normal at all, no one should be spoken to like that or belittled in this way. It sounds like a miserable existence for you, and probably the dc. Look, if he really is a good dad, but a shit partner, leaving him or asking him to leave should not impact on the children long term. But listening to their dad abusing their mum will Sad

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 11:02

Yes I would want to stay. We had some savings for the extension but got out loans when it went over budget. Now we can just get by but have no safety net. I could go back full time if I give 3 months notice although it means extra childcare costs so need to check that out.

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 11:06

I think (but not 100% sure) that childcare costs are taken into account when you apply for tax credits.
I really feel for you, it's sounds like from this thread and what I remember from the previous one that he is not a very nice person, living with him must be very draining...

fiventhree · 22/12/2011 11:29

Nativity, I dont think you have a relationship here. He is abusive and disrespectful. He will knock your self esteem to the floor, if he hasnt already.

You can earn your money in whatever job you want. Nobody should swear AT you like that.

If I were you and wanted at all to save the relationship, I would calmly tell him that I had thought it over, these were the issues, and it was over if it continues. He also needs to get some counselling to work out why he is so negative about others, and especially his own partner. Clearly he is a bit messed up.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 11:32

The thought of trying to have that kind of conversation makes me feel ill which is probably a bad sign. I am wondering if I should try and get past Xmas first. I am dreading going home tonight, he will either be in a mood or pretend nothing happened .

OP posts:
GreyRosesAreMyFavourite · 22/12/2011 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreyRosesAreMyFavourite · 22/12/2011 11:34

No idea how my reply jumped here sorry!! Very strange...

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/12/2011 11:45

nativity you poor soul. I know that feeling of dread you are carrying all too well.

It's not ok, his treatment of you - never has been and never will be. You deserve much better. Respect is a baseline requirement - not something you should have to hope or beg for.

Reading this book helped me and loads of other women on MN. As did this support thread.

You've got a tough emotional journey ahead of you. Keep talking, keep posting: you will find the strength to get through this.

fiventhree · 22/12/2011 11:46

You dread it? Why? Because he will be abusive again? Because you are scared of him? or because you fear that he has all the power in the relationship?

He hasnt, you know. He just hasnt. He will clearly treat you how he thinks you expect to be treated. How you insist on being treated. And you may find he develops more actual respect for you if you are less of a pushover. Thats not to say he is at all in the right, though.

Pickadaytocelebrate · 22/12/2011 11:50

I remember your previous posts. I don't believe he has any interest on changing but every interest in stopping you from getting on with your life and career.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 12:13

Dread it because he can be so nasty and I am not good at dealing with conflict, also I am not sure how to be less of a pushover. Nothing I do makes a difference.

Thank you all do much for taking the time to talk to me. There is no one on real life I can speak to. Thank god or the Internet.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/12/2011 12:27

There are a LOT of people in real life you can talk to!

  • friends,
  • colleagues, acquaintances,
  • supportive family members
  • Social workers
  • HV
  • GP
  • Women's Aid
  • NCDV
  • psychologists
-... and a lot more besides, depending on what you need.

I thought the same as you at one time, btw. Things got so much easier to handle once I started opening up and asking for help.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 12:31

No friends here sadly and my dad passed away, mother is no use. Could maybe talk to my brother. It's hard to talk about.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/12/2011 12:40

It's hard to talk about because you are carrying another person's shame. But YOU have nothing to be ashamed about.

Anyone who cares about you will want to listen to you and support you once you start talking to them about what you have been experiencing and feeling.