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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No one to talk to, don't know what to make of it all.

76 replies

nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 07:06

I have no one to talk to about this so posting here. dh and I have been having problems for a while. I hate the way he speaks to me. For example this morning I had to get up to go to work ( he is not working just now) and so I asked him to take the baby. He told me to put her in the cot. I said but she will cry if I put her there. He said he was getting straight up and put her in the cot. I said can't you just take her then, if I put her in the cot she will get really upset. He told me to fuck off and shut my face. I get that a lot when we are disagreeing about something. I asked him then and there not to talk to me like that but I just get more of the same. Shut my shitty mouth, or shut your ugly face etc. I don't want to have to listen to that all the time and I don't want my kids hearing it but nothing I say makes any difference. It makes me feel horrible to be spoken to like that. He is also really derogatory about what I do, calls it a waste of time and blames me continuing my training in that area a waste of time.

Can he change or am I being unrealistic. Do other people's dh's speak to them like this? I don't really know what to do next. I don't know how to prepare for being on my own, especially financially. Who can I speak to? Dh deals with all that. I am bad at numbers. Then I wonder if I am overreacting. It would be terrible for the kids (Ds 4 and dd 10 months) to not have there dad around. What is more damaging? I have no idea and I have no one to talk it all through with.

OP posts:
duvetdayplease · 22/12/2011 12:44

Sorry to hear things are not going well OP. I don;t have any more advice than the other posters - speak to people in RL, get all the info together, maybe make a plan to leave.

The best thing for kids is to have parents happy together. Next best is parents happy apart. The very worst is parents unhappy together. All that happens then is kids see rows and bad treatment.

I think financially, because he is not working, you shouldn't be worse off than now. You should get a big help with childcare thru tax credits. Do find out about everything.

If he hasn't got you anything for Christmas that will be hurtful but you have nothing to be embarrassed about. It will be a bad reflection on him.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 15:12

I am heading home in a couple of hours. Meant to go on a staff night out so we'll see how that goes.

On phone so can't see who said it but I have not done things because of him. I was meant to audition for a play but didn't because I knew that I would get hassle every time I needed to go to a rehearsal. I had to cancel a meeting I had with a business advisor in relation to a new business I just started for the same reason. The night I started that (I teach a class) he was foul to me.

When does arguing tip over to abuse?

Where do I stand if I want to stay in the house?

OP posts:
Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 15:31

I am going to call my mum. Might be a disaster, usually is but there is no one else. God I miss my dad and I feel really lonely.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/12/2011 15:36

Speak to Women's Aid, nativity, and CAB: they can answer the questions in your 15:12 post.

If your mum is an emotional vampire (you wouldn't be the first in an abusive relationship with a mum like that: we repeat the patterns we know...) then stay well away. Call whoever you consider your closest friend.

Or Women's Aid: they will listen, and they will understand.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 15:51

I am repeating patterns Sad my mum just said it was the same with my dad and that it's normal Hmm

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/12/2011 15:55

Avoid your mum: she has a vested interest in keeping you in this terrible situation because she doesn't want to question her own choice to do the same.

Call your closest friend. Call Women's Aid. Keep talking to us: we know that what you are going through is not right and that you deserve respectful treatment, and I'm happy to keep repeating it until you can ignore the invalidating statements like your mother just made.

Keep strong. Listen to your gut, to your feelings: they are the ones you need to be true to.

SarahBumBarer · 22/12/2011 16:01

I think when this level of contempt (as evidenced by the way your DH speaks to you) pervades a relationship, it is difficult to salvage.

Your mum sounds a peach. At least when my exH and I split up my mum said to me "Good riddance - I never liked the way he spoke to you". It's not normal.

yellowraincoat · 22/12/2011 16:04

That sounds like a crap situation to be in and he sounds really horrible. It's much worse for your kids to hear him talking to you like that than to split up with him. In their mind, that will be normal and they will accept it when someone does it to them.

Also, what MeandmyPuppy said - your mum just wants you to validate her shit choices.

MizzyFizzzy · 22/12/2011 16:05

I agree with ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow...my mum would say the same to me as yours did to you...it allows her to justify her lifestyle.

The way your DH speaks to you is not normal or usual or in anyway acceptable.

catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 16:12

Your mum is wrong and if that was how your mum and dads relationship was then it's no wonder you question what is normal, you see as parents you model behaviour, it is how kids learn how to interact with others and how to be in relationships themselves. Your dc are learning from you and your h how a relationship is in your house, to them it is normal and they are likely to go on and have similar relationships if they are growing up witnessing how you and your h interact.

You have every right to audition, to start a business go to a meeting or do a course, he has NO right to stop you....I will put money on that he doesn't actually say 'you can't do that' but behaves in a manner that makes you think 'if I do xyz he'll go on one'........he is moulding your behaviour and your life to what he wants, you are not a living breathing woman with her own opinion, you are 'his' wife, an object...

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 22:22

Mum just sent me a text saying he's just insecure.

Came home and fed baby then went out as planned. Just got back to a total mess. Not cleaned up after kids tea or anything. Don't want to bring anything up just now. Feel I should get through Xmas. Think I will try and find out financial info so I am organised. Might make me feel less powerless.

OP posts:
frumperina · 22/12/2011 23:00

Xmas Angry at your mum.
It is most definitely not normal. Just because she put up with it does not mean you have to. You can break the cycle and give your children a better future.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 23:11

I am scared of being on my own. Think I would be very vulnerable. I just feel sad that dh isn't supportive of me doing the things that I want to do. I don't know how I ended up here.

Should have known better than to call mum. I don't think she actually likes me sometimes.

I feel exhausted.

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 22/12/2011 23:21

He sounds jealous of you somehow. Very strange.

I get the most powerful feeling from your posts that you would absolutely shine without him. You have to gather the strength to go though.

Is he really like your father as your mum says?

cestlavielife · 22/12/2011 23:26

Call women's aid they will talk you thru it and validate your concerns.

LadyMedea · 22/12/2011 23:34

Get hold of 'the emotionally abusive relationship' by Beverley Engel. It's available as a kindle too so you can even just download it to your pc.

It will help you assess your relationship and decide whether to stay or go. I found it such an eye opener.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 23/12/2011 05:38

Of course you're scared of being on your own. But you would manage - you really would. In fact, you would thrive, without an angry, negative presence bringing you down.

It is very sad that your husband isn't supportive of you. It's a crying shame. But he chooses not to be supportive, and there's nothing you can do to change his behaviour.

Gathering financial info and other knowledge is a very good idea. Break it down into manageable chunks, and you will be able to get through this.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 23/12/2011 08:33

So lists of outgoings, debts and accounts? What was the thread you linked to? Nothing happens for me when I click it for some reason.

One thing I am scared of is other men. I think I have bad boundaries and before I was married let lots of people use me. I like to think I would avoid this but have a fear that I won't. I feel protected by being married if that makes sense.

He's asleep. He will sleep most of the morning I think, he usually does if I am home. Everything has gone back to normal like nothing was said. This is a pattern from childhood I think as my mum was an alcoholic and would behave terribly but in the morning everyone pretended nothing had happened.

OP posts:
lazarusinNazareth · 23/12/2011 16:49

OP - I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. My Dad told me I must have provoked him. My Granddad told me that I'd made my bed...they were both utterly wrong.
You are not protected by being married, you have just gone into a longer term abusive marriage. Nothing safe about that at all. You know this is wrong. You know you would be better off on your own. Other men are not something you need to think about now.

LapsedPacifist · 23/12/2011 18:56

OP, I remember your previous thread. Can you link to it, so other posters can see some of your back story? I'm really sorry to hear things haven't improved.

Ignore your mum - she may be in denial about abusive relationships, or she might just be trying to stay neutral in case you work things out with your DH. At least you know now she isn't prepared to provide you much support Sad.

But it's good that you are spending Xmas with your brother. Hopefully your DH will behave around other family members, and if not, they will see exactly what you are having to deal with.

I think you should show your posts about this relationship (this thread and previous) to your brother, if you find it hard to talk about face-to-face.

Do take the advice about finding out about tax credits etc. and get some free legal advice as soon as possible. This man is NOT going to change. He is an unemployed graduate who belittles and resents your career and tries to screw it up, even though YOU are the only breadwinner. What kind of man does that to his children?

OP posts:
OP posts:
Ticklemonster2 · 23/12/2011 20:57

I feel for you. My DH is the same and I know exactly how you feel.
It's not a regular thing, but it happens often enough for me to view it as a massive issue.
My husband has in his time called me all the names under the sun; fuckwit, cunt, mother fucking bitch. He has told me to shut the fuck up etc all in front of our DS. In fact, it became worse when Ds was born. He punches the air, bangs the doors etc
We have discussed this many times. To be fair he acknowledges he can't keep his temper, but that he try's. Indeed, it is lessening. He tends to go out now in a strop if he feels angry - better that than listening to a torrent of abuse.
We are working towards counselling (for him and us). My Dh is now at least acknowledging it is wrong and on the (now rare) occasion it happens, he will say sorry when he has calmed down.
My husband knows that If he does not continue to work on this, I will ask him to leave. I will not let this continue around my son.
We have come a long way, but have a way to go.
The thing is, they have to change or go. When there are children in the house, this can't continue. Only you can set boundaries on this.
One point worth mentioning,are his family aware of his behaviour?

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 23/12/2011 21:21

Sorry to hear you are experiencing similar issues. Sounds like there might be a way forward for you. I hope so.

He is from another country so only family in uk is his brother who we don't see often and who is a total pain when we do.

Everything fine now, he's being nice. It always settles like that and I think everything is ok but now I just think it's only a matter of time until another incident.

OP posts:
Ticklemonster2 · 24/12/2011 07:54

I know what you mean.
I stood up to my DH and made him aware he had a lot to lose. We have quite a way to go and it all depends on him.
Good luck with it all and be firm with him. When he starts picking at you ask him to leave and come back when in a better mood. Tell him you don't want to hear it... Simple. Show him that he has to respect you. You need to respect yourself and be strong.