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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No one to talk to, don't know what to make of it all.

76 replies

nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 07:06

I have no one to talk to about this so posting here. dh and I have been having problems for a while. I hate the way he speaks to me. For example this morning I had to get up to go to work ( he is not working just now) and so I asked him to take the baby. He told me to put her in the cot. I said but she will cry if I put her there. He said he was getting straight up and put her in the cot. I said can't you just take her then, if I put her in the cot she will get really upset. He told me to fuck off and shut my face. I get that a lot when we are disagreeing about something. I asked him then and there not to talk to me like that but I just get more of the same. Shut my shitty mouth, or shut your ugly face etc. I don't want to have to listen to that all the time and I don't want my kids hearing it but nothing I say makes any difference. It makes me feel horrible to be spoken to like that. He is also really derogatory about what I do, calls it a waste of time and blames me continuing my training in that area a waste of time.

Can he change or am I being unrealistic. Do other people's dh's speak to them like this? I don't really know what to do next. I don't know how to prepare for being on my own, especially financially. Who can I speak to? Dh deals with all that. I am bad at numbers. Then I wonder if I am overreacting. It would be terrible for the kids (Ds 4 and dd 10 months) to not have there dad around. What is more damaging? I have no idea and I have no one to talk it all through with.

OP posts:
TitsForBrains · 22/12/2011 07:10

If my DH spoke to me like that it would be completely unacceptable! This is abuse. I'm not able to provide any useful advice but there will be someone along shortly who can.

Keep posting - you will get lots of support and help from here.

MudAndGlitter · 22/12/2011 07:14

He won't change. This is not normal and if I were you I'd do my best to leave. I couldn't bring up children around this man and although it might be hard to begin with just think how nice it will feel to wake up and know that nobody is going to make you feel like crap.

MudAndGlitter · 22/12/2011 07:15

As for the financial side, I'm crap with understanding money and figures but the benefits calculator is quite straightforward. You should get tax credits. Why isn't he working?

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 07:21

Thanks. Sometimes when I am on my own I just don't feel sure. He says I speak to him like I am right all the time and he hates that. But am not nasty in the way he is.

He just completed a degree so hasn't found work yet. He is looking. He also just finished our extension. This has been a big stress. Actually we have been under a lot of stress generally. I have lost three family members in the last couple of years, including my dad and his dad was a political prisoner in his country which was horrible. I work three days a week right now. Not much in the way of family near by so feel isolated.

Sometimes he can be so nice and great. That is the person I married. I sometimes feel like he doesn't even like me anymore and I am tired of his moods.

OP posts:
MudAndGlitter · 22/12/2011 07:23

Is it good more than its bad? Do you want your children to learn about relationships from watching yours? Has he ever been violent? Are you scared of him?

Sorry that's a lot of questions!

Akiram · 22/12/2011 07:25

People can change if they want to and realise they have a problem and are prepared to put alot of time and effort in. I don't think that is the case here.
It doesn't sound as though your DH is asking for help to change.
He is emotionally abusing you and it would be worse for your DC to grow up in that atmosphere rather than living in a single parent happy home.
You do not deserve this behaviour, neither do your DC. He shows you no respect. How would you feel if your DS treated his wife like this? How would you feel if your DD was being treated like this by her DH? There is your answer.

AwayinaKayzr · 22/12/2011 07:30

I don't think he can change. The main reason I left XH was that he spoke to me like that everyday. Then he started to shout and scream at the boys and myself.

The final straw was DS1 when he was 2 and a half I asked him to eat his dinner and he told me to "shut the fuck up you bitch" just like XH used too.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 07:31

That is exactly my worry akiram and I said this to him this morning.

It's been bad lately, extension was a huge stress. He has never hit me but there was a period where if we were having an argument and I wanted to leave the room he wouldn't let me. He made it out to be a joke, I told him I didn't like it. That was after Ds was born mainly.

I don't know that I am scared of him but his moods make me anxious.

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 07:38

Sounds like you are treading on eggshells with him?
Him not 'allowing' you to leave the room is abuse.
A healthy relationship doesn't have any of these factors you are describing in it. He is teaching your dc that this is how you should be treated/spoken to, you are teaching them that it is right too by allowing it. Sorry he is an arse and is unlikely to change, we all have arguments but regularly speaking to you like he is is abusive. :(

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 07:41

I think you are right, although then I lose confidence in this for some reason. And I don't know what to do next,

OP posts:
Akiram · 22/12/2011 07:42

So you try to leave a room during an argument, he doesn't let you and then says it is a joke? Thats fucked up, sorry OP.
If his moods are making you anxious then that should be enough for him to want to change things. THe fact he doesn't speaks volumes.
You cannot spend your life walking on eggshells nor should your DC be raised to do the same.
Many people have stresses in life, and yes we often lash out and not always in the right way. But the behaviour afterwards tells you an awful lot.

catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 07:46

Then only reason you are losing confidence is because he is systematically eroding it and will likely continue to do so.
What is he like with the dc's?
Is he happy for you to do things on your own, going out with friends and stuff. Who makes the decisions? Sorry lots of questions!

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 07:49

He is ok with me doing things if it doesn't impact him. He can get moody if he has to do childcare. This is hard, I feel a bit sick!

OP posts:
Akiram · 22/12/2011 07:52

Has to do childcare? What as in look after strangers children Or do you mean take an active role in his own DC lives?
So what happens if you do something that does impact him?

catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 07:52

It is hard love, it's awful. So he gets moody if he has to do childcare, in what way does he get moody? I gather you try and do all the childcare to try and avoid him being 'moody'?

Akiram · 22/12/2011 07:54

Any man that sees being with his children and taking an active role in their life as childcare is a twat as far as I am concerned.

AwayinaKayzr · 22/12/2011 07:55

Akiram is right. Any father who says they have to do childcare is a twat. It's not childcare if they are your own children.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 07:57

He us moody and blames me 'fucking about' on the extension not being done and says I am not supporting him. Only thing I do right now is a course one weekend a month which he tried to get me to delay for a year but I sensed it was now or never so dug my heals in.

He is lovely with the kids, they adore him.

OP posts:
Akiram · 22/12/2011 08:00

He doesn't work, you do, you are also doing a course 1 weekend a month and he gets the arse with you?

Akiram · 22/12/2011 08:01

I'm sure at 4yrs and 10months your DC do adore him and so they should. That doesn't mean you want them growing up thinking his behaviour is acceptable.

catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 08:13

In what way does he say you are 'fucking about'? How does he explain that you are not supporting him. Who looks after you dc whe you are working and on your course?

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 08:23

He does mostly although Ds in nursery when I work. I teach drama, the course is performing arts based so he says it's fucking about.

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 08:36

So he belittles your job and a course that I assume will help in your career?
What does he do that he thinks is so worthwhile and lets him think he has the right to belittle your chosen career?
Have you posted about him before?

catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 08:39

Btw, my ex h used to belittle my career, I am a qualified nurse he worked on aircraft!! Notice that he is my ex......

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 22/12/2011 08:40

Yes. When I first started the course I posted because he wanted me to give it up.

OP posts: