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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

this is unreasonable, right?

89 replies

alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 12:43

dont have the heart for aibu.

dp goes out last night. today i am at work and he was to mind ds (21months) by himself.
cue this morning at 645 am and i cant wake dp, who is fully dressed (coat and all) in bed.
iget myself and ds dressed and phone creche to see if they can take him today (he is only in creche wed-fri). they cant. dps parents are away and my parents live abroad. had no one else to ask.
so i have to phone work and tell them i will be in asap as i try and arrange childcare.
eventually have dropped him off at a friends. and got to work at 12.

this is not the first time .he has done similar.
its totally unfair on me right?

OP posts:
D0G · 20/12/2011 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReindeerBollocks · 20/12/2011 12:45

It is totally unfair especially if it's happened before.

Why did he have such a heavy night knowing he had to care for your DS today?

YANBU

HairyNigel · 20/12/2011 12:47

It's not just unreasonable, it's very very childish. Why would you go and get that drunk knowing that you have a small child to look after the next day? Stupidity at it's best!

tethersjinglebellend · 20/12/2011 12:47

Bloody hell. That's a bit more than unreasonable.

Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 12:49

D0G - I couldnt wake him; when he eventually stirred I could tell he was still drunk. i couldnt leave my ds with him in that state.

Reindeer- ive no idea. because hes an irresponsible tosser?

its like having a teenager in the house

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 12:51

i am beyond angry with him. putting me under such stress to have to organise all that at seven in the morning. not thinking once last night that he had a toddler to look after the next day.
what an absolute prick.
we have had other problems too.
im feeling like this may be the straw that broke the camels back

OP posts:
ChocolateBiscuitCake · 20/12/2011 12:53

How old is he - 12?!

Extraordinary behaviour. Of course YANBU - but you know that already!

ReindeerBollocks · 20/12/2011 12:53

He does sound like a bit of a turd leaving all the responsibility to you.

Are you always the one who sorts out DS? I would be livid if I were you too.

HairyNigel · 20/12/2011 12:54

:(

Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 12:56

hes 31. if i ever call him on his drinking he just plays all put upon,. how can i try and spoil his fun etc. ive tried explaining to him that his drinking has consequesnces now on everyone else in the house. bascially hes a selfish prick and ive had enough of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 12:58

yes its usually me looking after ds, reindeer.
last week i was busy at work and two days dp had to do the creche run and he wasnt impressed with that,. i had an xmas night out with friends on friday and for a week before hand he was dreading putting ds to bed. he has NEVER given him a bath. (thats irrelevant i know but im so disbelieving of it i think about it whenever im pissed off with him)

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 12:59

im dreading the xmas holidays cos hell be drinking all the time

OP posts:
HairyNigel · 20/12/2011 12:59

It sounds as if he drinks a lot, how often? Drunks will often try to downplay the amount they drink or make you feel like a bore cos you don't want to get off your face everynight. The main thing is that you know you are NOT being unreasonable.

lukewarmMulledWhine · 20/12/2011 12:59

Do you think he has a problem with alcohol?

(and yes, it is unreasonable, of course it is)

HairyNigel · 20/12/2011 13:00

Might be a bit of a personal question but, did he actually want to be a dad? Cos it really doesn't sound as if he is happy with his role in life if he can't do the simplest of childcare...

ladyintheradiator · 20/12/2011 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 13:04

i think its possible he has a problem. in that he doesnt know when to stop. he uses alcohol as a de-stressor a lot. if there is alcohol in the house, it will be drunk. if i have a bottle of white in the house, hell drink it even tho he doesnt like it, if theres nothing else in. but of course hed never admit it. plus hes an argumentative bastard when he drinks.

im on anti depressants and he once called me a hypocrite for complaining to him about drinking two bottles of wine because i was on pills?

hairy- the pregnancay was unplanned,. he loves ds very much , but does shirk a lot of the reponsibilty and doesnt seem able to accept that ds has to come first, like it or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 13:05

lady - im seriously wondering. he must think im a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 20/12/2011 13:05

Oh always. You and your DS deserve so much better. You deserve someone who wants to be with you both and help with these things.

He sounds utterly rubbish and unsupportive. My DH never bathed DD but he helps in other ways (he was frightened of dropping her FGs) but he did dishes or vacuumed whilst I was doing this. Basically he pulled his weight. I am guessing that your DP pretty much leaves it all to you?

Would a big serious 'get off your arse and help' chat work?

HairyNigel · 20/12/2011 13:06

Unfortunately the only person that can help him is himself, and it doesnt sound as if he is ready for that.

Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 13:09

he does do some stuff, but nowhere near pulls his weight with ds. its easier to do the dishes than put ds to bed cos the dishes dont scream and cry. ds is very clingy with me; its no wonder really since i do everything for him. if dp did more stuff with him he would be less clingy for me.

we have had that chat when seomthing similar happened (he went out with a friend and didnt come home till the next day. i then received phone calls from dps mother and wanting to know if they had taken drugs because the friend he was out with had been found on the side of the road and was in hospital).

seeing that written down. i cant believe im with the kind of prick who would do somethin like that.

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 20/12/2011 13:11

I hope your ok Always, keep posting if it helps. I'll be back (and check how you are later).

Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 13:17

ah thanks reindeer. im so angry. and im fed up of being taken for a mug.
happy bloody christmas

OP posts:
Lasvegas · 20/12/2011 13:26

alwaysblue its not just you. In my experience many dads are rubbish at being a responsible parent and get away with it as the mums pick up the slack. Many years ago, after a v planned pregnancy my husband left me and DD when she was 3 days old as he had changed his mind about being a dad!

RalphTheRedNosedGnu · 20/12/2011 13:30

What a selfish tosspot. Is he still at home now, in bed? What will happen when you get home? Is there any chance of you being able to discuss it with him, without blowing your lid?

When you get home, tell him calmly that you want to talk to him after DS has gone to bed. Sit down with him, tell him you cannot allow this to carry on because it is making you fall out of love with him. Tell him that if he continues to behave this way you can't see how you can have a future as a family. If you are calm and firm he will know you mean business. If you shout he'll think "Blah blah blah" (I know this from bitter experience).

The fucker.