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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

this is unreasonable, right?

89 replies

alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 12:43

dont have the heart for aibu.

dp goes out last night. today i am at work and he was to mind ds (21months) by himself.
cue this morning at 645 am and i cant wake dp, who is fully dressed (coat and all) in bed.
iget myself and ds dressed and phone creche to see if they can take him today (he is only in creche wed-fri). they cant. dps parents are away and my parents live abroad. had no one else to ask.
so i have to phone work and tell them i will be in asap as i try and arrange childcare.
eventually have dropped him off at a friends. and got to work at 12.

this is not the first time .he has done similar.
its totally unfair on me right?

OP posts:
FunnysInTheGarden · 20/12/2011 13:30

I smiled when I read your OP because last Thursday DH went out on his works do and I went to bed before he got home. I woke at about 3.30 am to find he wasn't in bed, so I went down stairs to look for him. He was fast asleep on the sofa fully clothed. However that is where the similarity ends. DH got up in the morning and looked after the DC all day as we had arranged.

OP I think that having a night out as a one off is entirely normal, but doing it regularly and breaking arrangements is not and is very selfish. He is old enough to know better and needs to start facing up to his responsibilities.

Hope you get things sorted, it sounds like a horrible situation.

keSnowBi · 20/12/2011 13:40

Sounds to me like he has some from of alcohol dependency, if not yet full-blown alcoholism - the amount he drinks, the fact he can't have booze in the house without drinking it, lashing out verbally when questioned about drinking... Horrible red flags.

It doesn't mean you're a mug for being with him alwaysblue, don't blame yourself, alcohol dependency tends to worsen with time. And it doesn't actually mean he's an asshole. But no matter how nice they are at core, alcoholics are selfish pricks as they will always put their needs first.

If he doesn't take responsibility for his behaviour and he is alcohol-dependant, your relationship is on borrowed time I'm afraid.

Think you should try and have a straight talk with him like Ralph suggests, and don't get side-tracked by any accusations he flings at you - ie if he says 'yeah but you take antidepressants' say, "We're talking about you know, not me. If you want to talk about antidepressants we can do it after with talked about this situation". Basically don't let him waylay you.

Lasvegas - how bloody awful Sad

keSnowBi · 20/12/2011 13:45

My sentence again without typos:

"We're talking about you now, not me. If you want to talk about antidepressants we can do it after we've talked about this situation".

typing too fast! Grin

Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 13:50

i wont be able to talk to him about it tonight, it will have to wait until the full effects of the alcohol have worn off.
variations of this have happened a few times. he just doesnt get it.

even if he doesnt have a problem, we're comign at things from totally different points of view and that in itself is a problem if we cant see each others point of view.

im rambling now.

hes such a prick

OP posts:
Jackstini · 20/12/2011 13:54

Yes he is a prick Always.
Why would the effects have not worn off by tonight - how bad was he?
He sounds immature, irresponsible and not at all what you need or deserve Sad

keSnowBi · 20/12/2011 16:52

The points of view = responsible adult vs child, what child? It isn't a different points of view situation, it's a 'this child would be in care if always didn't exist' situation.

My lovely but 30-going-on-18 cousin runs a pub and has problems with alcohol (can't drink wine or spirits anymore due to alcohol-related stomach ulcers Sad) - even he manages to be on the ball if he's on duty with his two, and yes, accepts he has to be ON duty sometimes... And seriously, he's hopeless. I love him and I'd slap him silly if he was my man Grin

If not tonight, then soon, I'm not sure you can dodge this talk much longer. And as Ralph says, it has to be when you are both calm.

Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 21:24

So after baby is asleep he comes up and starts shouting at me is he never going to be able to go out with his mates without me giving him grief. I knew this would happen. Its not about him going out, it's about me suffering for it. I mean I couldn't go to work this morning cos of his night out and now he's the one who's pissed off?

Anyway I told him I thought we should split up.

OP posts:
RalphTheRedNosedGnu · 20/12/2011 21:46

I can't believe he had the nerve to have a go at you! Bloody hell! How often do you go out with your mates and are incapable of looking after your DS the next day? Never, I bet. Knobhead.

How did he respond when you told him that?

Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 21:54

He just keeps going on about the fact I don't want him to go out with his friends. I can hear him downstairs now saying to his brother , " every time I go out with the lads she's pissed off" why can't he get into his head it's the fact I was hugely inconvenienced that is the problem. And if the situation was reversed he would go crazy.

OP posts:
EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 20/12/2011 22:00

Because he's a selfish man child and a complete prick. I would not be hanging around if I were you :(

Santageekmum · 20/12/2011 22:04

Please please please try to remember you are not bu no matter what he says. Do you have anyone to go stay with over Christmas? I think you need to get out of this relationship before any more damage is done.

It may be the wake up call your partner needs to address his drinking problem.

RalphTheRedNosedGnu · 20/12/2011 22:10

Seriously, the man is in denial. Lying to his brother that you're pissed off because he went out. Doesn't want to admit it's because he was so pissed he wasn't fit to be left in the care of his own child, because that would reflect badly on him and scare him probably.

Please don't let this one just blow over, OP. Because he'll see that as your acceptance of it and it will just carry on.

And have a christmas hug, btw. Nobody needs this kind of shit in their lives.

Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 22:15

Thanks guys. Have tone strong and stand my ground. This is not right for me.
Am going home to my parents on 27th. He was due to come on 31st for a few days. He said earlier what's he point on him coming over ( cos he won't be going out on the piss) so the only point you can do anything is if you get pissed?

Can't believe this is happening

OP posts:
EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 20/12/2011 22:19

Can you go to your mum's for Christmas instead?

Original poster
alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 22:23

Not sure. Will have to look at flights. Don't want to upset families at Xmas so may have to pretend for a while.

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 20/12/2011 22:35

I really think you would be better off without this loser.

Santageekmum · 21/12/2011 02:39

Well done on keeping to your word so far. It must be quite scary at the moment but this desperately needs confronting - imagine what a role model he's turned out to be.

Keep posting us updates if you need further emotional support, even if just to rant about his next 'excuse'.

Good luck.

CheerfulYank · 21/12/2011 02:46

You are soooo not being unreasonable.

A night every now and then is one thing, all the bloody time is another. And being unable to care for your DS when he was supposed to is completely shit.

girlsyearapart · 21/12/2011 03:43

I know exactly what you mean about the 'everytime I have a night out you moan' type comments.

My Dh drives for a living so doesn't drink at home really & doesn't go out excessively but when he does he goes for it in a big way.

So popping out to watch the football at 12 on a Sunday involves him getting home at anything between 9pm & 4am then being useless the whole rest of the next day.

I don't mind him going out everyone needs time out but he always turns it around saying I moan when he goes out- it's not the going out it's the staying out for hours followed by the uselessness the following day!

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 21/12/2011 04:16

Ah he's a selfish, self-centred manchild who thinks it's all about him. Next time he has to go to work, create a situation that prevents him getting to work until midday and see how well that works for him. Might be the only way for him to realise his actions have consequences - but since you're trying to get rid of him anyway, that's probably a better way to go with it.

WTF did he have to go out and get stocious on a week night anyway?? Who does that? Idiot.

garlicnutcracker · 21/12/2011 04:17

It used to upset me desperately that X2 treated me like Matron or something. He'd do the whole "On my case" complaint, too, and also turned any genuine concerns of mine into "nagging". Much later, I understood that this was projection. He could be an obnoxious twat when drunk, but didn't want to admit it to himself. So, instead of listening to the part of himself that said he was out of order, he preferred to think of me as the critic. Nutcase.

always, I'm sorry you've been so badly disappointed and you must be going through an emotional tornado right now. You are not, by any stretch, expecting too much or being unreasonable. Perhaps he's better cut out to be fun uncle type figure than a father?

I do hope you've managed to rally a ton of real-life support. Don't try to carry everything yourself. People will want to help you, Christmas or no (or even especially at Christmas.) If not family, what about stopping with a friend? Or asking them over for Christmas - whatsisname will be out getting shedded, anyway, so lock the door.

garlicnutcracker · 21/12/2011 04:18

Like your word, there, Thumb. stocious. Has a lovely ring to it!

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 21/12/2011 04:31

garlic, it's great isn't it? I can't take credit for it though - tis a word taught me by my Glaswegian friend. Xmas Grin

Original poster
alwaysblue · 21/12/2011 08:58

girls, thats exactly it. i couldnt care less if he went out every night, but its not on to be out of action the next day and leave me to deal with everything.

Hes off work today, and im in work, and ds is in the creche. i left him a note since he seems so incapable of listening to me saying that how can he not see how unfair it is that i missed two meetings yesterday am and was late, all because he had a night out. any sane adult can see thats ridiculous. i also pointed out that if the shoe was on the other foot he would be furious. hes really bad tempered and if i keep him waiting even 5 mins in the mornign hes pissed off.

its shit timing , but im glad its all come to a head.

have told no one in RL yet. am pretty bad at opening up and sharing my troubles. dont like to worry people.

OP posts:
lukewarmMulledWhine · 21/12/2011 09:04

Can you ask him to go and stay elsewhere for a while? Don't see why you should be the one looking for somewhere to go. Might make him stop and think a bit if he's the one who is inconvenienced.

You sound very strong in yourself, well done you for standing your ground. It is shit timing, but there probably is never a good time for this.