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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

this is unreasonable, right?

89 replies

alwaysblue · 20/12/2011 12:43

dont have the heart for aibu.

dp goes out last night. today i am at work and he was to mind ds (21months) by himself.
cue this morning at 645 am and i cant wake dp, who is fully dressed (coat and all) in bed.
iget myself and ds dressed and phone creche to see if they can take him today (he is only in creche wed-fri). they cant. dps parents are away and my parents live abroad. had no one else to ask.
so i have to phone work and tell them i will be in asap as i try and arrange childcare.
eventually have dropped him off at a friends. and got to work at 12.

this is not the first time .he has done similar.
its totally unfair on me right?

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysblue · 21/12/2011 09:11

yes i can prob ask him to go, since its easier for him alone than me and ds. dont know what he'd make of that, but he can go back to his parents at least, i cant since theyre in another country.

i feel strong at the moment. i hope it lasts. i think ive finally realised that it is him with the problem not me and i just dont want the kind of life that he seems to want,. thats up to him, but hes not dragging me down too.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 21/12/2011 09:18

he definitely has a problem. You and your DS deserve better, only you can make it happen.

lukewarmMulledWhine · 21/12/2011 09:23

A bit of space might be a good idea - would give you a chance to think about a list of what has to change if there is a future for your r'ship, ie what the absolute minimums are. Would also make him see you are deadly serious. Is counselling worth it? Relationship and maybe alcohol for him (if he'll have it if course)?

You might get more practical advice over on relationships - you could ask mnhq to move the thread there?

keSnowBi · 21/12/2011 10:07

Definitely ask him to go, and if he protests, point out that if he's out of the house he can do what he likes without you 'getting pissed off' Hmm Angry

It might be the wake up call he needs - if he wants to save your relationship I think you need to go to couples counselling at the very least - a space where he can't just turn your very real, and acceptable, worries into 'nagging' (another Angry there). If not, well, at least you haven't wasted any more of your life with him.

You sound incredible and very strong. But don't be so strong you don't ask for help in real life, okay?

keSnowBi · 21/12/2011 10:08

I second asking MN to move this to relationships - there are some incredible people in that forum.

Original poster
alwaysblue · 21/12/2011 10:12

thank you.

will ask them to move the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysblue · 21/12/2011 10:14

mm.

how do i do that? i mean, ask them to move thread

OP posts:
lukewarmMulledWhine · 21/12/2011 10:17

Oh, sorry - just report your own post and ask them in the box that comes up...

Original poster
alwaysblue · 21/12/2011 12:11

he just text me to say he read my note and it was unfair and he fucked up and hes sorry. took his time to realise - 24 hours later.
i have heard this before, typically enough.

OP posts:
Santageekmum · 21/12/2011 12:16

I think you need to make a big deal about it. Perhaps write a list of all the times he's let you down this way. Introduce it to him as a way to start dialogue - you are not having a go at him, but you accept his apology and want to believe that he'll change in future, and he can start by listening to your concerns.

You can't allow this apology to be the end of the matter, your relationship needs more work to repair itself.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 21/12/2011 12:16

how many times before, alwaysblue? how many times has he a) done this and b) you've reacted strongly to it? and has he ever apologised, taken responsibility and said he won't do it again?

You carry on being strong - you've got him on the run now - you can either choose to stop this now and make your future with your DS a calmer one, or you can give him one more chance but on the proviso that this sort of thing HAS to stop and if it happens even ONCE more, then that's it, game over. Of course, if you've made that thread before, then it has to stop now.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 21/12/2011 12:16

how many times before, alwaysblue? how many times has he a) done this and b) you've reacted strongly to it? and has he ever apologised, taken responsibility and said he won't do it again?

You carry on being strong - you've got him on the run now - you can either choose to stop this now and make your future with your DS a calmer one, or you can give him one more chance but on the proviso that this sort of thing HAS to stop and if it happens even ONCE more, then that's it, game over. Of course, if you've made that threat before, then it has to stop now.

ImperialBlether · 21/12/2011 12:18

It won't improve, alwaysblue. You're right, he is like a child. He's expecting to go and do whatever he wants and you will always pick up after him. He must be spending a fortune on drink, too, that I'm sure could be used elsewhere.

Do you want to stay in that country, bearing in mind you can't rely on him for anything?

Original poster
alwaysblue · 21/12/2011 12:21

in a minor way, its happened a few time s before. in a major way once. and we have other problems.

not sure i really believe he will change. dont think hes ready. have said in my head the next time will be the last time but never to him. dont think he realises how serious i am.

i wont forgive him easily, if at all,this time. its all very well him saying sorry now but he has made things so difficult for me and amde me doubt myself as well. how dare he. am really starting to understand now that i deserve way more.

OP posts:
Santageekmum · 21/12/2011 12:23

I also think you really need to consider the effect of having an irresponsible adult around your DS, and your reaction to it.

Santageekmum · 21/12/2011 12:24

You are amazing alwaysblue. Keep up that attitude. You deserve better.

keSnowBi · 21/12/2011 12:25

While he's feeling contrite, this is the moment to look into counselling at the very least.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 21/12/2011 12:26

Well, sounds like you're still considering giving him one more chance - but if you are, then you need to make him work for it because he does need to understand that he has a responsibility to his son - he needs to "get" that he cannot behave like a mindless selfish teenager AND be a successful father - they don't mix. And if he chooses to continue with the mindless irresponsible selfish attitude, then he doesn't get to stay with you and your DS - because he's more of a liability than anything else.

Original poster
alwaysblue · 21/12/2011 12:31

at the front of my mind is the rolemodel hes being for ds. ds saw him in bed yesterday morning totally out of it with all his clothes and coat on. at the moment hes too young to understand but in a few months time he wont be.
i want my son to be a responsible man who treats women with respect. he is not seeing that in his father at the moment.

i havent yet decided if theres going to be another chance but we do have to talk about things, i cant just cut him out. but im serioulsy contemplating making him move out for a bit and he definitely wont be coming home with me over the holidays.

he needs to prove it this time, if he can. because hes already proved that his words mean nothing

OP posts:
keSnowBi · 21/12/2011 12:33

Good call always - that way you'll force him to look at his OWN behaviour, rather than you having to be the responsible 'nagging' one.

Original poster
alwaysblue · 21/12/2011 12:49

yes at this stage if he cant realise it himself , im not interested

OP posts:
difficulttimes · 21/12/2011 12:55

that is really the last straw i'd ask him to leave, then he can wasted as much as he wants.

MrsHankey · 21/12/2011 13:07

Totally unreasonable. Not the going out, but the not being able to do what was planned the next day. One off, would be ok, but to do so more than that is no use.

Am assuming he's struggling with the idea that he can't behave like an irresponsible singleton any more, and still wants to. I like a good time, but have a child so have responsibilities, if I or DP need a major night out now & again then we go & stay with friends with planning beforehand that the other will do the childcare the next day.

Its not that he can't ever go out with his mates again, just if he is going to get in that state, make sure its a day when you aren't supposed to be working.

QueenCess · 21/12/2011 15:18

I don't understand why anyone needs to get that wasted. Going out with your friends and having a couple is one thing but being drunk the next day isn't funny. It's just sad.

YANBU. I would be furious. I don't think I could tolerate that level of immaturity. I think a jug of ice cold water might have been used to rouse him and (cough) check he was O.K. Xmas Wink

neuroticmumof3 · 21/12/2011 20:57

He sounds vile. You and DS would be a lot better off without this waste of space.

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