this is unreasonable, right?

[alwaysblue]

dont have the heart for aibu.

dp goes out last night. today i am at work and he was to mind ds (21months) by himself.
cue this morning at 645 am and i cant wake dp, who is fully dressed (coat and all) in bed.
iget myself and ds dressed and phone creche to see if they can take him today (he is only in creche wed-fri). they cant. dps parents are away and my parents live abroad. had no one else to ask.
so i have to phone work and tell them i will be in asap as i try and arrange childcare.
eventually have dropped him off at a friends. and got to work at 12.

this is not the first time .he has done similar.
its totally unfair on me right?

So tonight baby just asleep and I'm shattered as I didnt sleep much last night, I told him we needed to talk about where we go from here but not tonight I'm too tired and tomorrow he's going out ( and I really would rather he went out ) so Friday. He said but all I did was mess up on a night out and stay out too late.

Sigh.

He doesn't get it.

Hi alwaysblue. My dp was like this a good few years ago. We had quite a few problems and were in freefall when I found out I was pregnant- Not planned(-long story).

He couldn't handle much back then. Responsibility was a mystery to him(he was a lot younger than me), and he fucked everything up royally-did all that you describe-drinking til he was incapable, a LOT, and never ever being reliable. It was his crisis not mine, and after trying to help I got rid of him. By then our ds was born and I always left that particular door open, though it was very hard and I had a lot of wobbles and chucked a lot of things in his direction.

He came good. Really really good. Our son is nearly 5 and we've since had a dd.

My point is-it was only when I pulled up the drawbridge (in my mind and heart as well as physically) that he realised he either had to sort it out or be one sad lonely fucker for the rest of his life, estranged from his child etc etc.

I have no idea at all why some people(men?) react like this-I used to point out the obvious consequences of his behaviour to him but I was speaking Greek to him at that time. Your dp sounds a bit like this-a manchild who can't grow up. I always go on about ultimatums here-that may be your answer. Hard, but if he's not going to come good ever, then better you know asap.

Good luck.

No he really doesn't get it.

No matter how much you talk he still won't get it because he is a selfish immature twat who will always put himself first before DS and you.

Now is the time for you to act.
Are you prepared to put up with this any longer. In your head you seem to want to give him one last shot--why?

He needs to move out for a while, Christmas or no Christmas, he doesn't get the implications or the seriousness of what he has done. Perhaps a spell away will make him see sense.
However i doubt it will.

See if you can get your flights changed and spend Christmas with your parents.

Blimey - you really really do need to understand that this isn't normal or acceptable - I think you've become a bit conditioned to him being a complete shit. He still thinks all he did wrong was stay out a bit too late and that you're just going off on one about it - typical bloody woman... it would be madness to stay with this grown child - you really don't want your DS growing up thinking this is acceptable do you??

I think Peppermint said it well - glad your story turned out well, PP

There's no saying whether your partner will decide to grow up or choose life on the lash, Always. The point, as you well know, is that he doesn't even see the choice is real at the moment.

Therefore the ONLY way forward, for you, is to close him out. Accept - very sadly, I'm sure - he's a great play pal but a drain on resources when it comes to family life. You and your DS absolutely deserve better. Start imagining your cosy, planned future as a stable little family of 2.

When you're settled and everything's working well for you single, you'll be much better placed to decide whether you'd even want him back at that stage, transformed or not. And, if it becomes a possibility, to be utterly firm on your conditions. Because, by then, you'll be secure and sorted :)

You've mentioned other issues in your relationship. This makes me think he perhaps disrespects you in a lot of ways. Again, it'll be far easier to free yourself of any sense of "having to" put up with crap - from him or anyone else - when you're free to build your self-worth up in your own way.

I'm really hoping the new year will be one of freedom and positive change for you.

doha - the reason i seem to want to give it one last shot is because of ds. i dont want to take his family away from him. i come from divorced parents and whilst it wasnt traumatic for me , i wanted different for my family. and i dont think you should just walk out on things.

but at the same time my ds is one of the main reasons why i dont want to put up with it. i want a better male role model for him.

im so disappointed that he doesnt seem to understand. it just proves that his apology yesterday was just to pacify me and he didnt mean it at all.

He knows you will tolerate whatever he chucks at you because you want to give it 'one last shot'.

He is taking advantage of you and also twisting things by behaving as if you are being unreasonable. Can you imagine how he would respond if you went out and got completely ratted to the point you was incapable of taking care of your child and he had work and had to make emergency childcare arrangements? Seriously reverse the situation.He would be outraged I'm sure.

You could do this to him. Go out but stay over with friends and then text him telling him you won't be home that morning- one of his work days. Then tell him that 'it's no big deal' and ring up a friend and tell them ' he is giving you grief about going out' when you get home. Oh yes and don't forget a half arsed apology.......because that makes everything fine doesn't it?

Just a thought because sometimes a harsh lesson in life is required.

He doesn't respect your work. I am afraid you are being treated as an appendage rather than a partner. You need to act now to check this.

Good luck x

Poor you - I think your dp has no idea how to be a responsible adult. Whilst he gets to 'play' you are having to be both mum & dad. He is acting as the child and you are having to be the parent. Over time resentment will build. Sadly I don't think he will change (maybe but it will take a very long time) as at 31 he should be more responsible.

I suspect this is the final straw for you. Do what you feel you can to fix the situation (counselling etc) so that in later life you can look back and know you did everything to make it work. I separated from an ex who was similar - my dc's are now grown and I know I made the right decision. Whilst your ds is young it's actually easier as they just accept life as it is - i.e mum and dad living apart.

I'm sorry for you - it's not what anyone of us wants in life but sometimes we have to know when we can't change a situation.

As I was reading your posts I was thinking "this sounds like my life" until the bit where you seem to be standing up for you and your DS, My "D"P is also like this (but much worse) and I am in the throws of planning leaving for good but you seem much further down the line (nearly ready to start my own thread )

I really recommend getting out, he sounds like he is an alcoholic and it won't get any better, that I know.

I am deeply envious of your resolve to leave, your child deserves the best father they can have and, sadly, an alcoholic will never be that, because the alcohol always comes first. And even if he stops drinking, it is a long road and nothing is certain about abstinence. That isn't to say he can't or won't stop, or his behaviour won't improve, but really it doesn't look good, from what you have said.

Your DS is still so young, but knows enough already, seeing his father passed out is not good, and one of the things that makes my blood boil is my DS (3)( and now my DD (18months)) seeing beer in the shops or empty beer bottles and saying "papa"

I really hope you keep strong and leave, and if you do, send me some helpful hints on positivity, coz I think I will need them!!!

Leni, thanks for your post and I'm sorry things are tough for you. Pm me if you want

We haven't had out chat yet as will have to wait till ds in bed. I don't think dp has any awareness of how serious I am. But i feel my confidence waining to be honest. I will stay here for Xmas becuse I don't want to spoil things for other people , but will go home on 27th with ds alone. Then we'll see what happens in the new year. If dp has any revelations once he is alone to think.

Stay strong. You have a lot of people behind you here. Your ds deserves better, as do you.

Keep your resolve alwaysblue. If you feel your confidence waning, think of your DS and his future. Remember how many complete strangers are actually on your side and wanting the best for you on this thread. Good luck.

Hope you had a good Christmas, Alwaysblue - and keep posting for help if and when you need it.