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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just sent a message asking where I stand, hold my hand while I wait for a reply!

127 replies

eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 19:15

Background is that an old friend and ex boyfriend of mine has recently finished with his girlfriend and got back in touch. We've seen each other 3 times now and slept together on two of those. Friday night he held me all night and didn't want to leave the next day but I had plans so he had to. Today he was busy so didn't hear from him all day but texted him to ask how his day had been and whether he wanted to see me later and all I got back was "have a darts match tonight x"

Sent a couple more messages and got similarly short answers.

So sent this:
I'm not looking to go straight into a full on relationship with you, I think you need time first and if we do start seeing each other we need to take it slowly. But I do still have feelings for you so you need to be honest about what you want from me and not mess me around. I don't want to be hurt by you again and I need to know where I stand. Right now you are giving me mixed messages and it's confusing me X

I shouldn't have sent it should I? Fuck.

OP posts:
LEttletownofBOFlehem · 19/12/2011 12:08

Really? I just read it as saying he doesn't want a relationship. Fair enough, don't have one then. Byeeee. Just dont agree to meet up if you tend to fall for his eye-twinkling in person.

walkslikeaduck · 19/12/2011 12:10

Well I read it exactly as he says it ... he doesn't like to be on his own.

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 19/12/2011 12:16

Maybe I'm being overly cynical to make myself go off him and because I don't trust myself Grin

OP posts:
perceptionreality · 19/12/2011 12:20

If he's just broken up with someone else then surely it's unlikely to be a good basis for a new relationship, nevermind everyone speculating about whether he's into you or not.

Relationships rarely finish without unfinished feelings. And of course, he's your ex anyway...

You should stop having sex with him for now because it will cloud your judgement of what's going on. Don't meet up with him for a while.

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 19/12/2011 12:20

Because when I first read it I thought "that's sensible, maybe when you're ready then" and felt a bit sorry for him/

But then I made myself read it the other way because I don't want to let myself believe there's a chance and I don't want to feel sympathy for him because that's lethal for me Blush

OP posts:
perceptionreality · 19/12/2011 12:22

Is he a serial monogamist? There are some people like that because they are afraid to be alone. This could be him and he probably doesn't know if he wants to get back with you or needs to have someone to cuddle up to.

perceptionreality · 19/12/2011 12:23

How long were you with him before eek and why did you break up?

tigermoll · 19/12/2011 12:27

He's just sent me another message saying he doesn't want to lose me and he hopes we can be friends no matter what.

He's a dick. He says he loves you one night, then the next he 'isn't ready for commitment', and now he 'doesn't want to lose you no matter what'. What does that even mean? That he wants to still have the option of sleeping with you, no matter how badly he behaves?

I think you should ignore him from now on. And brace yourself to be strong, - he strikes me as exactly the type of entitled arse who will then exert himself to win you over. You know the type, - 'you don't tell me when this ends, I'm the one who decides he doesn't want to see you, not the other way round'. When he comes to you, begging forgiveness, calling late at night to say he misses you and you had something special together, (and he will call) then I think the best course of action is to be amused by him.

scottishmummy · 19/12/2011 12:30

grow up and stop bloody texting him
and then dissecting it on mn
he said,you said is all a bit schoolie
he's not that into you he's made that clear
so stop fannying about chasing your ex.go meet a nice man and be less earnest

tigermoll · 19/12/2011 12:33

I don't think you should feel too sorry for him either, - he would have been quite happy to keep sleeping with you, saying he loved you and acting all interested when it suited him. He only came clean about his intentions when you called him on it. Suddenly he's all noble and 'I need to sort myself out before I break your heart'? And when exactly was he planning on having this personal revelation about 'what he needs'? Funny old thing, it wasn't before you slept with him, but is was just after you discussed having a r/ship?

And this?

I just hate being on my own though

Poor ickle diddums......he is as good as saying 'I was lonely and you were just there.'

luzluz · 19/12/2011 12:46

oooh, what a shithead.

i really feel for you. In my youth I was a complete sucker for all the flattery and attention this type of loser brings to your door. Sadly though you know that he thinks he has one up on you and that you will be dropping your knickers everytime he makes you feel like 'you are the one true love who can save me from myself '.

He is a manipulator and you're well shot - well done for seeing through it.

QueenCess · 19/12/2011 12:47

He sounds very mixed up. Give him space and consider the rekindling over.

In future he may be ready as might you. Maybe not.

Make it clear that you only want him back on the scene when he absolutely knows that he wants a relationship with you and until that time you want space from him to sort your head out. Reflect it back.

Tell him you consider yourself both free agents now and wish him well.

This is horrible but you need to take charge now. He will respect you whatever the outcome and more importantly you will respect yourself. Take care.

SilentNotViolentNight · 19/12/2011 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 19/12/2011 12:50

Don't rely on someone else to tell you where you stand. Know where you stand yourself and if he wants to join you fine but giving someone that amount of power is never a good idea x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 13:02

yeah you were good enough when he found himself alllooooone ie. with no adoring, willing female to shag

like an old comforting plaid blanket

you wanted more

he doesn't

don't ever shag him again, not even when he comes sniffing around saying he's "sorted his head out"

he is still looking for the main chance, and you were a pleasant diversion, for a while

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 19/12/2011 13:24

I haven't contacted him since I told him I wouldn't be his fuckbuddy yesterday. That's it for me now, I'm not going to hang around for him on the off chance he decides he wants to be with me.

I think it's right that he doesn't go straight into a relationship but I'm not going to put my life on hold.

Yes he has been a serial monogamist in the past and it's one of the main reasons we split up before. I should have known better than to try again really, but hey it's done now and we live and learn.

OP posts:
shinyblackgrape · 19/12/2011 13:25

Oh God - he sounds like my confused ex who I spent three years with as he flipped and flopped. Wracked with doubt the wanker, poor love.

Run for the hills would be my advice. You've had a lucky escape!

GoingForGoalWeight · 19/12/2011 14:28

I used to chat to an American guy online, who keeps making sexual references, i have told him twice we are just friends and to stop. He has not, therefore he does not respect my wishes, DELETED. Simples.. Virtual or reality relationships i do same thing
You need a caring and loving man.

springydaffs · 19/12/2011 15:23

He has responded to your boundary, been honest with you in the way you want honesty in a relationship. He has even admitted he doesn't want to be on his own and, whilst that's difficult to hear, it's also difficult to say imo. It's also not good enough - for you, that is. He was responding to the boundaries you set before ie you were available to him so he responded to that. Now he's responding to the boundary you've set now, which is "i'm not your fuck-buddy, I'm not available at any price". Can't get much better than that imo re he's done what you asked, responded each time to the value you put on yourself. Some people need boundaries, don't know how to work them out by themselves. He may be mr gorgeous but I think you'd be in for a lot of (or even more) heartache if you hang around. So stay away from him. Easier said than done...

I tend to think you are in such a loved-up funk about him that you can't think straight tbh. Which is why you are bashing it out on here (therefore NOT not grown-up imo).

jasper · 19/12/2011 15:32

this demonstrated the problems texting can cause in "relationships"

averyembarrassingq · 19/12/2011 17:37

Hello OP - not that it matters but what sort of age group are you both?

springydaffs · 19/12/2011 19:31

eh? don't get that at all jasper?? seems quite a straightforward and 'successful' communication to me.

jasper · 19/12/2011 23:48

springy, I meant because the OP seemed to regret sending the original text and then got a bit tied in knots dissecting every word in his text replies. Texting can be too immediate - you hit the send button when previously you would have to think things through for a bit.

diddl · 20/12/2011 08:42

I think that you are well rid, OP.

Finishes with a girlfriend & immediately gets in touch with an ex?-weird!

makeyerowndamndinner · 20/12/2011 10:06

The thing is OP, if he genuinely had such strong feelings for you, wild horses wouldn't keep him away.

Think about it... when you are madly in love with someone you want to be with them. As much as possible. You crave their presence. You want to jump in with both feet!

I'm afraid I interpreted that 'pity text' as meaning I don't want a relationship with you but I feel a bit guilty for having strung you along so I'm going to give you a load of flannel about what strong feelings I have to make both of us feel a bit better.

He isn't being honest with you OP - he's been a total git actually. He knows how you feel and has used that to his advantage. Don't reply to any more texts. Change his name on your phone to USER. Go no contact until you've managed to kick him out of your head and you feel a bit stronger.

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