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Original poster

I've just sent a message asking where I stand, hold my hand while I wait for a reply!

127 replies

eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 19:15

Background is that an old friend and ex boyfriend of mine has recently finished with his girlfriend and got back in touch. We've seen each other 3 times now and slept together on two of those. Friday night he held me all night and didn't want to leave the next day but I had plans so he had to. Today he was busy so didn't hear from him all day but texted him to ask how his day had been and whether he wanted to see me later and all I got back was "have a darts match tonight x"

Sent a couple more messages and got similarly short answers.

So sent this:
I'm not looking to go straight into a full on relationship with you, I think you need time first and if we do start seeing each other we need to take it slowly. But I do still have feelings for you so you need to be honest about what you want from me and not mess me around. I don't want to be hurt by you again and I need to know where I stand. Right now you are giving me mixed messages and it's confusing me X

I shouldn't have sent it should I? Fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 19:38

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

the mixed messages are how loving and caring he's been when he's with me, the stuff he's said, messages he's sent etc and then messages like that that aren't like he normally texts.

I wouldn't have sent it if he was someone I'd just met, but we have a lot of history

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 18/12/2011 19:43

It's sent and i think his short text might have been because he was rushing to get ready, he could have sent it whilst at the traffic lights (i know irs illegal, i never do it), but when he responds send him a very short text back and leave it there. Let him do the running from now on, maybe go on a date with others, keep options open Xmas Grin

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 19:58

He's replied. Says he doesn't mean to confuse me or give me mixed messages, that he can't go straight into a relationship either with me or anyone else. If we did have a relationship sometime it would have to be slow because he wouldn't want to put me or my kids through that upset again. He says he's just trying to sort himself out and is working away a lot to try to get the money to get a proper home for him and his kids. He'd like to see me before I go away for Christmas but he's not going to pressurise me or himself because he doesn't want that, the last year has been hell and he can't cope with a relationship right now, just needs to get himself sorted.

Which is all fine, and pretty much what I said anyway (don't understand the pressurising bit though?)

Do I reply? What do I say?

I'd kind of like to say something along the lines of understanding all of that and agreeing that he needs to sort his life out first but also that I'd be happy to take it slow but that I care too much about him to just have sex with him when he feels like it if it's not going anywhere.

Or is that just as psycho as my earlier message?

OP posts:
FeebleFeebie · 18/12/2011 20:01

just leave it

if he is keen, he will contact you
if he isnt he wont

end of

Ilovepigs · 18/12/2011 20:01

He's not that into you!!! please do not send him any more texts. Tis bollocks about taking things slow-if he was really into you it wouldnt matter one jot.

Text him back wishing him all the best for the future but make it clear you have no intention of being his fuck buddy-unless that is what you want?

GoingForGoalWeight · 18/12/2011 20:02

Just remionds me how complex relationships are and why i say NO and look horrified when asked out on a date - 3 times in 4 years . He just needs his space, you need yours, say OK have a nice night xx Leave it at that! If he asks to see you before Christmas by all means do but maybe leave out the sex if it upsets you too much when you are apart? I dunno ,....it's a nightmare grrrr

GoingForGoalWeight · 18/12/2011 20:03

He might be really scared...to be hurt again..

GoingForGoalWeight · 18/12/2011 20:05

Read text again, he wants fuck buddy and leaving his options open...

Dozer · 18/12/2011 20:06

Sorry, but sounds like he's on rebound and isn't into you.

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 18/12/2011 20:07

Look. Either you are fuck buddies or you are boyfriend and girlfriend. All this 'taking it slowly not rushing in' is bullshit. It just means the person is not that into you.

I think you have a clear sign that he's not on the same place as you are. So hang back, wait til you see each other (let him suggest a date) and have a chat. Do not pretend you are ok with a casual thing if you are not. And what you are showing clearly is that you are not ok with that.

Millicano · 18/12/2011 20:08

he is not interested, sorry.

LydiaWickham · 18/12/2011 20:09

do you want a fuck buddy? In which case, send him a text offering that.

If not, don't shag him again, no matter how good it is, how lovely he is etc until at least after the early summer bank holiday weekend.

MortaIWombat · 18/12/2011 20:09

Just leave it. He now knows that, contrary to the appearance you have given over the last few days, you are actually not up for no-strings sex. He'll get the message, I'm sure.

QueenCess · 18/12/2011 20:19

Thank him for his honesty but let him know that you will no longer sleep with him -you will see him as just a friend from here on.

Sorts it out without acrimony.

Chalk it down to experience.

mistressploppy · 18/12/2011 20:21

Either don't text back or just put 'no worries!'

THEN LEAVE IT Smile

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 20:22

Eric By taking it slowly I mean we don't see each other every day, we don't spend every night together, we don't move in together, we don't spend time with each others kids, we each have our own social life but that we are boyfriend and girlfriend and there is the promise of it leading somewhere. That's not bullshit surely?

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 18/12/2011 20:23

Don't meet him anywhere that there is a bed! :)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 20:25

ah

he thinks you are nice, but that is the extent of it

I expect he will quite happily spend another evening with you, with a lovely shag too, but he isn't ready for anything else

so, either accept that, or move on

don't try to push things along, it won't work

coccyx · 18/12/2011 20:30

You are too intense too early. You were boyfriend and girlfriend, but I don't think you can just pick up where you left off.

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 18/12/2011 20:37

He is trying to use you as a fuck toy, that is clear as day. If you dont want to get hurt, do things together etc but refuse to fuck him. He is just trying to get some free sex while he is hunting for his next girlfriend.

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 20:40

He told me he still loved me on Friday Sad

I'm glad I sent it though, maybe it is too intense too early but at least now I know it's not going anywhere and haven't spent weeks/months wondering and falling for him all over again. I do still have feelings for him so it's still going to be hard, but easier than if I'd got my hopes up more.

The breakup with him was the hardest most painful one I've ever had so I was probably a fool for even considering going back there tbh

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 20:40

have you broken up with him again then ?

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 18/12/2011 20:41

Back the fuck off and get a hobby. You are doing yourself no favours by being this desperate and whiny and clingy. Look at it this way: if there was a thread from someone saying, we've had a couple of dates and a shag and now s/he's going 'Do you love me? Reeeeeeeeeaaaalllly? Can we talk about where this relationship is going because I am a fwagile ickle thing and need to be wuvved lots?' everyone would be going, Run like the wind, nutter alert.

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 18/12/2011 20:44

Yes, you see it as going slowly towards a proper relationship, he is clearly saying that is not on the cards. If he broke your heart before then take care

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 20:50

I told him that I would have been happy to take it slow but that I wouldn't be his fuck buddy. Not really a break up as we weren't really together again.

So at what point do people normally have the "are we together or aren't we" conversation?

SGB yes we would but that's not what I sent him is it?

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