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Original poster

I've just sent a message asking where I stand, hold my hand while I wait for a reply!

127 replies

eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 19:15

Background is that an old friend and ex boyfriend of mine has recently finished with his girlfriend and got back in touch. We've seen each other 3 times now and slept together on two of those. Friday night he held me all night and didn't want to leave the next day but I had plans so he had to. Today he was busy so didn't hear from him all day but texted him to ask how his day had been and whether he wanted to see me later and all I got back was "have a darts match tonight x"

Sent a couple more messages and got similarly short answers.

So sent this:
I'm not looking to go straight into a full on relationship with you, I think you need time first and if we do start seeing each other we need to take it slowly. But I do still have feelings for you so you need to be honest about what you want from me and not mess me around. I don't want to be hurt by you again and I need to know where I stand. Right now you are giving me mixed messages and it's confusing me X

I shouldn't have sent it should I? Fuck.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 18/12/2011 20:51

I think you've just reminded him why you split up last time. Three dates - you've slept together on 2 of those and already you're talking about taking it slowly means not seeing eachother every day and not moving in together????
That's just pathetically clingy and needy - it's perfectly normal that he should be keeping to an arrangement to play darts with his mates. You sound as though you need to errr mature a little.

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 20:53

I know that now eric, but I wouldn't if I hadn't asked. Especially not with his talk of love and not wanting to let me go again.

OP posts:
GreenIceAndChristmasHam · 18/12/2011 20:56

Put down the phone.

Forget that it's your 'turn' to reply. Move on.

If he gets back in touch, fine- meet up and see where it takes you. But until then, fugeddaboutit- don't add feeling foolish and needy to your pile of misery.

And chin up! There's a reason he's an ex

ImperialBlether · 18/12/2011 20:56

Gah! This just makes me think that women shouldn't sleep with men as soon as they meet them and I don't want to think that!

Really, when you two slept together you both thought completely different things. Next time, try not sleeping with someone unless you know you both want the same thing.

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 21:01

fortyplus I wouldn't WANT to see him everyday or stop him doing things with his mates, just as I wouldn't want to stop seeing my friends. There is no way in hell I would move in with someone before I'd been with them a very long time, however I know there are some people who do move in with people very quickly so I was just using that as an example of what I wouldn't want to do and of what taking it slowly meant when Eric called it bullshit. Because I do believe it is possible to take it slowly but still be in a relationship. I had no problem at all with him going to play darts. My issue was with him blowing hot and cold. And it has nothing at all to do with why we split up before.

OP posts:
Original poster
eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 21:03

Grin Imperial, don't worry you don't have to start thinking that because I hadn't only just met him Wink

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 21:05

love, learn a lesson here

what many men say is not what they mean

all you did wrong was believe the flannel

he is an actual shit if he led you to believe there was something more to this

if it was all in your head, then wise up

I go with the first option, personally

your confusion is palpable

so...go cold on him and don't listen to any more bullshit

if you do, you deserve all you get (after this 2nd break up)

TheLightPassenger · 18/12/2011 21:07

I agree with AF. Your definition of taking things slowly and his seem very different. He doesn't seem to want a relationship at all. I wouldn't text him again, you are likely to end up hurt.

ImperialBlether · 18/12/2011 21:07

Re-meeting is the same as meeting, OP!

Lots has happened since you last were with him - remember it was an awful breakup?

What made you think that everything would be great this time? Why didn't you wait until you had a sexual relationship with him?

dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2011 21:10

Okay, YOU think taking it slowly still means being boyfriend-girlfriend. I would be very, very surprised if that's what he thinks going slowly means. From my experience, he probably thinks going slowly means getting together once in a while, when he's up for it, shagging, and no commitment as to when you'll see each other again. And definitely not considering you his girlfriend.

I would be telling him that it's been really nice reconnecting, but you're not prepared to be a fuckbuddy or get yourself hurt again, and so you really shouldn't see each other right now.

You don't have to close the door forever -- maybe someday he'll be ready to date again and you could meet up again and see what happens.

But you would be utterly daft to continue anything with him right now. He's as much as telling you he's going to let you down. Step away from the ex!

scottishmummy · 18/12/2011 21:11

he's not that into you,but you can't and won't read a signal. stop trying to resuscitate previous thing you two had. you're coming across too needy,too do u really wuvv me much as I wuvv you

get a different guy
and why did you two break up in 1st place?

ImperialBlether · 18/12/2011 21:12

And in his head, he's a free agent, so before long he'll be confiding in you about other women who he's mad on. Do you want that conversation?

dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2011 21:13

Also think about: do you really want to be with him now? Or at some level, are you just trying to erase the pain of that awful breakup by getting back together?

(says the girl who once or twice got back together with her awful breakup ex Grin)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 21:18

ohhhh that matey convo about other women he fancies is just awful isn't it ?

don't open yourself up to that OP, unless you are as free and easy as he is

clue: you are not

springydaffs · 18/12/2011 21:19

I really don't see anything wrong in the text - it is not needy, cloying, or whatever else some are saying: it is straight and clear; you have a history, you know each other well, you spoke directly to him. You related to him via the text in a way you expect to relate in your close relationships ie you want honesty and you don't want to be mucked about. I don't think your text sounded desperate or needy, I don't think you're overthinking this. I do think he sounds like a bit of a shit though - he broke your heart once, he needs to go carefully this time, not think he can pick you up and put you down when it suits, particularly if he is sampling your wares and also muttering that he still loves you. He's jerking you around imo and I would step back iiwy and not trust him so much. Definitely don't be so available for sex as imo men don't value what they can get easily.

Be busy.

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 18/12/2011 21:21

OU think taking it slowly still means being boyfriend-girlfriend. I would be very, very surprised if that's what he thinks going slowly means. From my experience, he probably thinks going slowly means getting together once in a while, when he's up for it, shagging, and no commitment as to when you'll see each other again. And definitely not considering you his girlfriend.

What she said ^

That is what I meant when I called it bullshit. That is what most men mean by 'taking it slowly ' i'm afraid.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 21:22

neither do I, springy

as long as OP heeds the reply

which I think she will...it is quite, quite clear

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 21:32

Thanks AF, unless I am actually going insane and imagined everything he has said to me over the past couple of weeks then yes he has led me to believe there was more to it.

I guess I haven't put all the detail here so that's why people think I'm being clingy but I'm really not. He's been texting me telling me he has feelings for me, that he couldn't not get back in touch, that he regrets everything that happened before. Friday night he held me in his arms all night long and told me he loved me and that he didn't want to ever let me go again. Saturday morning he had to leave because I had plans but he said he wished I didn't and that we could spend the day together. Talked about us doing stuff together in the future etc.

And then this evening the tone of his messages was so different, when he said about playing darts I just said ok have a great night and asked if I'd see him before I went away and he just replied "not sure yet" I asked if he was working away and he said "not working away til the new year now". So yes I was confused because it was totally different to how he has been, and it raised the question of whether he'd been after a shag and got it and that was it now. So I thought rather than stressing and wondering about it I'd just ask him, get my answer and then be able to move forward one way or the other.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 21:36

aww, I am sorry

we have all been there

get wise now though

you know what you have to do, yeah ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 21:37

he sounds like a manipulator, tbh

does he have form for this in your previous relationship ?

dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2011 21:38

The thing is, you will never know what's actually going on in his head. I agree, it sounds very mixed messages, but you need to accept that you will never understand it and just let it go. It's possible he doesn't even understand himself right now.

You need to forget about Friday night and re-read his text. THAT is where his head is right now, even if his heart is all over the place.

Original poster
eeekarghscared · 18/12/2011 21:42

dreaming don't worry I've already told him I won't be his fuck buddy. And I don't plan to contact him again, will just move on now.

scottishmummy I thought I was reading the signals and that's why I even asked him, otherwise I'd just have believed his words and not even questioned him. But I had to know for sure because there was always the chance that he wasnt being cold and was jst busy or whatever.

Ah ok eric sorry I misunderstood you earlier and thought you were saying that taking things slowly was bullshit and that relationships had to be full on from the start or they weren't a relationship. My mistake.

Springy thanks, I didn't think it was too needy but most would disagree it seems. Oh well, I'd already sent it and at least I got my answer.

OP posts:
SilentNotViolentNight · 18/12/2011 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiratecatClaus · 18/12/2011 21:46

he's being a tosser. I'm sorry you are getting hurt already. AGAIN

Honestly, leave him to it. Enjoy your life and rewind to 3 weeks ago before he got back in touch. twat.

dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2011 21:48

Ah good, well done Smile

I'm so sorry though, what a sucky ending. At least you got out fairly quickly.

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