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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

11 weeks pg, DH wants to separate.

76 replies

sillywmama · 16/12/2011 21:03

I'm moving to my mums on Sunday (she's away til then so we can't go now) with DS (17mo). I'm 11 weeks pg, with PGP - unresolved from last time, quite disabling pain.

DH says I'm not fun any more. I disappointed him by not being 'on top of the housework' and wanting to 'see him all the time' after we had DS. He says he only slept with me the night I conceived the new DC because he was half asleep and wouldn't have if he'd been fully aware of himself.

I feel disgusting, fat, ugly, boring and rejected. I can't imagine a life where my beautiful DC's grow up never knowing what it's like to be with both parents. I am terrified of the future. I hate him so much for being such a shallow, selfish, childish prick. He's 28. We're not kids. Nobody pushed him into getting married and having children, he wanted to. Now I'm all alone, in pain, and I have no idea at all what I'm going to do or where I'm going to end up.

I just feel broken, and exhausted. I can't stop crying.

He says he still loves me? That he wants to be there and involved with the pregnancy and DS and wants to co-parent... he just doesn't want me. He doesn't fancy me. He wants to party with his friends, and get drunk and be on his own.

I just can't understand how this has happened to my life.

OP posts:
shinyblackgrape · 16/12/2011 21:09

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. Lots of people with excellent advice will be along soon but I just wanted to keep you company until they were.

Why do you have to move out of the house however? I think it should be your H

YokoOhNo · 16/12/2011 21:14

Didn't want this to go unanswered. You are none of the things you listed - you are a fantastic mum but, as you say, in physical pain and very, very hurt right now. Your H sounds like a pathetic man. Don't believe what he said about you and stay strong

Someone with more insight and experience than me will post in a minute.

Original poster
sillywmama · 16/12/2011 21:16

H owns the house, also I only live in this city because it's where he works etc. I do have a job here but with my PGP, I'm heading towards not being able to work, or even walk, let alone lift/look after DS who is still so young. Even if he did leave, I'd be alone with no help. My family all live hours away and my friends here all have small children of their own. They can't do things like help put him to bed, or take/collect him from nursery. Also, I think I'm losing it a little bit... I just feel so sad. I need someone to really look after me for a bit. My mum is the only one I can think of who can help me and help with DS.

I can't help hoping that me being gone, and him having the coveted empty house with all the Christmas decorations up and no child to enjoy them might make reality hit home too. I can't believe he understands what he's giving up right now. I just can't understand any of it.

OP posts:
SantasSnowilocks · 16/12/2011 21:16

he wants his cake though doesn't he - he wants you to be around and cater for him , keep house etc, he just doesn't want you, but he loves you?????? what a twit he's being.

im so sorry for you.

Angelswings · 16/12/2011 21:18

This says so much more about him than he realises.

Hope your parents are more supportive and can remind you how amazing you are

shinyblackgrape · 16/12/2011 21:21

I see now why you are going and I totally understand. However, you are married and you therefore have certain rights regarding the house and the occupancy of it - notwithstanding whose name is on the title deeds - as it is the matrimonial home.

I know that you must be in total shock at the moment. However, I would make it clear to your H that you are leaving but it is simply to obtain some immediate support after this dreadful shock. However, you will be returning and you will expect him to have vacated the house by then to let you come back with DS. As you say, he needs to understand that his behaviour has consequences. In addition, you need to ask him what he intends to do re visiting DS etc whilst you are away. Again, show him what it will be like if you divorce and he needs to be coming for visits. I know it is really hard but try not to be re-active to him at the moment. Set out what you expect to happen and it might make you feel a teeny bit better.

Once you feel up to it, I would also go and get some advice from a solicitor. A lot do free 30 mins of advice.

3littlefrogs · 16/12/2011 21:23

He sounds like a sorry excuse for a man. Sad

You need to get legal advice, consider whether you could move nearer your family, and whether you could get a transfer with your job.

He is cruel and selfish, and self absorbed. I am so sorry he is treating you this way. He says he loves you, but he isn't acting like it.

ShirleyKnotChristmas · 16/12/2011 21:26

Fucking Hell.

You poor thing. You'll be OK, you will but first things first...you've had a dreadful shock, so you must be kind to yourself - which means lots of rest and taking to your bed if necessary (I presume he's there at the house with you til you move out?) HE can look after your 17 mo old.

Are you actually married? In which he can actually Get to FUCK with HIM owning the house - it's marital property the motherfucker and if I were you I'd tell him to GET OUT THEN and I've read how scared you are about being there on your own but if you leave that house then you will be in an even weaker position. Tell him to fucking well go (If you're in no fear of DV of course) and he doesn't need to know if you go and stay at your mums after he's gone.

I'm FURIOUS on your behalf.

YokoOhNo · 16/12/2011 21:26

Staying where you can get the practical and emotional support you need is good. Being away from him for a while is not a bad thing either. Keep your self esteem. He wants his cake and eat it. Co-parenting? He just wants to sleep around.

I don't want to add to your gloom OP, but IME most men do not bail out of married relationships without somewhere to bail to, or they have tested the waters with going out and meeting other women or searching on line. Do you think he's seeing an OW

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 16/12/2011 21:27

Good advice there ^ from shinyblackgrape

Sorry you're going through this OP

Original poster
sillywmama · 16/12/2011 21:27

I am just so frightened of all of this, I never in a million years expected to be a single, pregnant mum. I cant even begin to think about it... and worst of all I love him so much still, I feel like I just want to beg him to love me back... but whatever shred of dignity I still have left wont let me. I'm going to grit my teeth get to my mum and just deal with the rest of it then. Whatever that is.

I love him and hate him all at the same time. I am so confused, I've never felt so much hurt before.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnotChristmas · 16/12/2011 21:28

Better advice than mine - be careful if you leave that house to make it VERY clear that you are NOT abandoning your rights WRT the family home and he can THINK AGAIN if he thinks he can erase you and your children from his life so easily.

Original poster
sillywmama · 16/12/2011 21:29

he's out playing football now, like nothing has happened. He's on the sofa tonight.

OP posts:
YokoOhNo · 16/12/2011 21:30

And what shinyblackgrape and Shirley now say is right; if you are married, then it doesn't matter whose name is on the title deeds of the house, especially with children. It's a marital asset if you don't want to live in that town.

I bet your DH hasn't got as far as thinking about how he's going to pay for his new footloose and fancy free lifestyle and his child support payments, especially if you are unwell and unable to work

ShirleyKnotChristmas · 16/12/2011 21:31

x posted.

I'm having that sort of thread. Hmm

Of course you're frightened and confused and fearful of the future. It's so callous.

I've been where you are (although I wasn't pregnant - my son was a baby though) and I PROMISE you that this feeling WILL pass but you need to go with it for a little while. It's shit. Sad

Original poster
sillywmama · 16/12/2011 21:32

he's living a fantasy where he gets everything in our life except the obligation to be with me. I'm horrified by the prospect of divorce, he's acting like nothing wll change?? Its like some fucking slow motion car crash and I cant get off

OP posts:
Original poster
sillywmama · 16/12/2011 21:33

thank you for all the kind words and advice btw, I feel less alone, and I am so glad I can talk about it here. In RL I just cry and cry and cry :(

OP posts:
heather1 · 16/12/2011 21:34

You sound like you are being very brave. I dont have advice on the house as I dont really know much about the legal ins and outs. But is your PGP pain the same as SPD - Symphysis pubis dysfunction? If it is please go and see an osteopath. When I was pg with DS2 I had it. Midwife, physio and drs said nothing could be gone. I went to see an Osteopath and he improved it by at least 80%
Your DH sounds like an insensitive arse.

shinyblackgrape · 16/12/2011 21:34

You're quite right. Just one day at a time stuff at the moment. Focus on getting to your mum's at the moment. Try not to think too far ahead. I know how easy that is for me to say and how hard it is to do when your mind is racing at a million miles an hour.

Tomorrow you just need to focus on getting everything together you need. Take your passports and also take any bank statements etc if your accounts aren't fully joint. Take as much money out of the bank as you can so you have some cash in case he starts playing silly buggers. Start making a list of everything you need to keep your mind occupied on that.

Sunday is the journey and then you're at your mum's and you can take it from there.

Make it very clear to H that you will be back and he will have to have left. Both of you must focus on what is best for DS and your unborn DC and it is absolutely unarguable that it is for DS to be in his house surrounded by his familiar things and for you and he to have the benefit of that.

H will need to come and visit DS. Again, for DS' benefit.

No arguments and no debates about this. Tell him just before you go. Tell him you will be in touch after Christmas to advise of your return date and to set up a visiting schedule for DS.

Original poster
sillywmama · 16/12/2011 21:38

god it all sounds so final and frightening. I know you're right, but I just feel sick to my stomach and I don't know where I will get the strength to say that, when I just want him to say he loves me and lets forget everything, but I know we cant. I can't be with someone who has so little respect and care for me in the long term I know that. And even if he did change his mind I need to know its because he understands how terrible what he's doing is... so I know I need to show him what it means, to leave us. But I just don't know if I can. It sounds so fucking scary and awful

OP posts:
ShirleyKnotChristmas · 16/12/2011 21:39

I'm so sorry for all my swearing and ranting BTW, I'm sure it's not helpful to you. Sorry.

Listen to shinyblackgrape - she is writing what the sensible part of my brain wants to say, but the angry part of my brain is taking over and typing out my fury for you.

You're not alone. You're NOT. PM me if you want (I'm surprisingly nice on PM)

You need to fake it to make it now, pretend to be strong, follow SBG's advice and be firm and concentrate on the goal of getting to your mum's.

ShirleyKnotChristmas · 16/12/2011 21:39

X POSTED AGAIN! OMG!

shinyblackgrape · 16/12/2011 21:41

Also, tell him not to contact you until you contact him after Christmas. You have had a terrible shock and, if not for you, for your unborn DC you need time to compute what is happening and must not be further upset.

I totally understand why you want to beg him and scream and cry. You are on the complete back foot here. He will have been thinking about this for months and will be at a totally different place in terms of processing this and dis-engaging himself. You need sometime to do that and to really think through what you want once the shock has dissapated a bit.

Go to your mum's and think very hard about what you want to do. There is no right and wrong answer to this - it is totally up to you. However, if you do reconcile, you must work through why this has happened as you can never be put in this position by him again and you can't live your life on a knife edge waiting for him to do that again.

My ex-boyfriend was one of those precious types who constantly had doubts about our relationship and left me dangling off and on for years. Fortunately, I was only in my early 20s when I was going out with him and had no DCs. However, I wouldn't wish that life on my worst enemy. I still shudder thinking back about it.

Original poster
sillywmama · 16/12/2011 21:42

thank you, everyone. I don't want to see H when he gets in from football, so I'm going to hide in bed now. I can't face him. He's working tomorrow from 5am - 2pm so I can have some time to get organised, and get stronger. For now I just want to crawl under a rock and cry. But I don't want him to see that. I cried enough for him last night.

I'll be back online first thing in the morning no doubt... I would stay but he'll be back soon and I can't do the whole 'lets pretend we're best friends' crap he's trying to throw at me right now.

OP posts:
ViolaCrayola · 16/12/2011 21:42

Can your mum come and stay with you and he go away?
So sorry you are going through this.