11 weeks pg, DH wants to separate.

[sillywmama]

I'm moving to my mums on Sunday (she's away til then so we can't go now) with DS (17mo). I'm 11 weeks pg, with PGP - unresolved from last time, quite disabling pain.

DH says I'm not fun any more. I disappointed him by not being 'on top of the housework' and wanting to 'see him all the time' after we had DS. He says he only slept with me the night I conceived the new DC because he was half asleep and wouldn't have if he'd been fully aware of himself.

I feel disgusting, fat, ugly, boring and rejected. I can't imagine a life where my beautiful DC's grow up never knowing what it's like to be with both parents. I am terrified of the future. I hate him so much for being such a shallow, selfish, childish prick. He's 28. We're not kids. Nobody pushed him into getting married and having children, he wanted to. Now I'm all alone, in pain, and I have no idea at all what I'm going to do or where I'm going to end up.

I just feel broken, and exhausted. I can't stop crying.

He says he still loves me? That he wants to be there and involved with the pregnancy and DS and wants to co-parent... he just doesn't want me. He doesn't fancy me. He wants to party with his friends, and get drunk and be on his own.

I just can't understand how this has happened to my life.

I think you need to see a solicitor asap. And reconsider leaving the house. It's an asset and will be divided/apportioned if you divorce. Horrible thing to happen to you. Wishing you all the best.

Viola makes an excellent point re your mum coming? Understand why you might want to be away though.

Re tonight - do you have a spare room? If so, then he is in it. If not, he's on the sofa. He doesn't like it? Too bad for him.

Try and get a little sleep OP.

I like the fact that you are moving on enough (already!) to not want to cry and beg him anymore - this is GOOD. This is BRAVE. You ARE strong. You are.

I begged my X on my actual knees not to leave me. I'm not ashamed of that - HE should be ashamed. DYKWIM?

Totally agree with Shirley - you are brave and strong. Don't forget that.

Politely make it clear to your H that you are not new best friends. You are his estranged wife and you will be communicating with him on that basis.

Again, a point to make on your departure. Don't engage with him til then apart from as absolutely necessary.

I so sorry this has happened to you. You will get through this, truly you will xxx

Very sorry for what you are going through. Dont let him put you down like that - we can all tell you are a lovely lady and a good mum - he is the problem - not you.

You can force him to sell the house to release your share of it - and trust me as a mother of (nearly) two of his children and his wife you are entitled to at least half of the property regardless of whose name is on deeds etc.. He is responsible for providing a roof over your head and your joint childrens and any decent solicitor will fight your corner to that effect (mine would have eaten him for breakfast and left him in a shop doorway ). There is a lot of support on here and out there both legal and emotional and your mum sounds lovely. You will get through this - all the best.

I feel like I've been given a new role to play in life that I don't have the script for. I honestly don't think he realises that not being 'with me' means not being with us, the three of us, me, DS and unborn DC... he just doesn't talk like he gets that at all. If anything, I'd want to move home to where my mum lives. H's mum actually lives 30mins from my mum, so he has no excuse not to visit us there. He can stay with his mum and come whenever he wants to.

Right now money is the main problem. He is a mature student at uni, I work part time.we're overdrawn to every limit we have right now. He couldnt rent anywhere else, any more than I can. But I will ask him to sleep on a friends floor in the meantime or something.

fuck.

FUCK.

starting to get angry now.

Shit, he's home. I'm going now :(

God.

This is one of those heartbreaking threads.

I hope you can come back tomorrow OP for some support.

sending strength and solidarity...this was my life like a yr ago..ds now 16 mo and dd 4 weeks..he left me 20 weeks gone..pm if you need support from someone in similar position.

sounds like he is having a mid life crisis...how do u co-parent when he virtuallt leaves u no choice but to go 100s of miles away! he is a stupid douche. chances are if u follow advice to limit contact, have some space, let him shag around a bit and ding dong he will suddenly realise what a total blinded prick he is. think my ex has..but no verbal confirmation as yet.

goog luck :) look after your lo and bumpy..you dont need someone who is so disrespectful, insensitive and twatish. as for his comment regarding conception...... PRICK! you desrerve better so do your dcs

xxx

Another one who has been exactly where you are OP (well, I wasn't pg but ds was a baby). I still clearly remember the only way of describing the feeling was like my life was a mindmap on a sheet of A4 paper and ex-dp had picked it up, screwed it into a ball and chucked it in the bin, with no regard whatsoever for me or ds.

Nothing any of us say will make it feel any better, but you must must must realise this is about him being a f*ckwit and nothing else. In time things will improve but it will take a long time. Please don't pressure yourself to 'get over it', just take each hour / day as it comes.

For now, please please please make sure you are eating, especially for the unborn dc sake. I lost 2 stone within a month as I just couldn't face eating anything and felt sick constantly. We are all sending you huge hugs xxx

And just to prove it does get better ... despite ex-dp swanning off with his new 21yr old gf and landing a new job with a 50% payrise just after leaving me, he is now in prison having been caught nicking money at work :) Karma is an amazing thing OP :)

Oh

(he sounds like a RIGHT catch )

Firstly, poor you - but I bet your not all the things you feel you are, you must be doing a wonderful job with your little DS

your DH sounds like a selfish twat who's happy to jump ship and sacrifice everything, for the sake of acting like a teen Ager again. I bet he chops and changes his mind about all of this when he gets lonely.

not any practical advice to add but i wanted to say you are not to blame for this and it says more about him than you. keep focussing on what a shit he is.

i've many friends who've ended up on their own with dcs for various reasons so what i can say is you will be ok and being a single mother is nothing to be ashamed of. he will be worse off in the long run whereas you and your dc will be better off without him.

good luck x

Hope you are well Op. Ive been thinking about you a lot.
My Charming OH decided that he wanted to be with OW when I was 7mts pregnant. Telling me that he hopes me and the baby die of cancer.
We had been together for many years,but I was shocked at the change in him overnight. It was horrible tbh. I hope all works out for you. All I can say is thank god we have our children OP. They are a blessing from god.

hello everyone, thank you for all your messages. I somehow managed to sleep last night, even though I woke up feeling sick and tearful again this morning. H slept on the sofa and went to work before we got up. He literally does not seem to grasp that not being with me, means the family breaks up.

I've been giving a lot of thought to the advice on here, and I think I am going to have to be the one who sets the boundaries now :( I hate it, but I can't come back here after Christmas and move back in with him, knowing he doesn't want to be with me. Unless I know for certain that he is here to be a family, he can't live with us. I'm still scared shitless about telling him that, and in some funny way I feel like I'm going to make everything worse and force him to leave me... like it's going to be my fault if I make him follow through with it. I am afraid to do it, but I know we can't carry on like this, acting like being friends is good enough. Sooner or later there will be an OW or something else that will make him leave for good, and I'll feel crushed all over again.

I hate that he has put me in this position, its like he expects me to put up with being with a man who doesnt want me, for the sake of the DCs, or to be the one who ends it and has to say to them in the future that I made daddy leave :( this is just so unreal right now. I keep thinking he'll come back in and say what an idiot he's been and whoops it was all a mistake... but thats just fantasy on my part I know.

ps I am so sorry to everyone else who has experienced this :( I never knew so many men could be such utter shits. I look at our wedding photos, just 3 years ago, and we look so happy. Now it feels like stupid, thoughtless lies. I can't imagine trusting someone again :( I hope it does get better. Thank you for telling me about your experiences, because right now I do feel really ashamed and alone, even if that doesn't make sense. I just feel like I've not been good enough, like I've disappointed him. Fucketty fuck fuck FUCK.

I think you have to take control at this point and make it about what you want.

If you think about it properly, you can't love him now, because he's shown you a really awful side to him that you hadn't known before. You thought you loved him because you thought you knew him. You didn't know him at all.

I wasn't really surprised when you said he was a mature student. Virtually everyone he's mixing with is single and if he's less mature than he thinks he is, that's inevitably going to cause problems. Also, he has as little money as you do, so he doesn't have to feel responsible for you and the children.

In your position I would go back to my mum's. You will have the help and support there that you won't have where you currently live. I wouldn't want to be living near him - get as far away as you can.

Please see a solicitor before you leave your children's house?

I have a short term plan, to go to my mums for Christmas and New Year, and see a solicitor there when I don't have to go through it on my own. I'm due back at work on the 4th and DS has nursery so I will come home on the 2nd, and will make that clear to H. When I do come back, I'll be in possession of the facts and hopefully more prepared to deal with what comes next. He's suggested we see a relationship counsellor, which I think might be good news? I've booked it anyway, we start going on the 10th Jan. Between now and then, he will have the two weeks I'm away to sort himself out, then when I come back if he still wants to be separated, he will have to be living elsewhere.

I think I'm secretly hoping that he will be shocked and appalled by the reality of not being with DS and me, not being able to call me every day and not getting little picture messages all the time from me about what DS has been up to. The reality of sofa surfing might be the kick up the arse he needs to stop pretending everything will be hunkydory, minus being my partner. I won't talk to him about seeing a solicitor etc until we are in the counselling sessions, I don't want to push for a divorce - it's the last thing I want - but when the time is right I will give him one ENORMOUS reality check. And if he still wants to talk about fixing things, I hope the space and distance will help him get some perspective before we do that. If it doesn't, at least I'll be getting my shit together in the meantime.

I feel good about taking some action. But still like I've been kicked in the stomach and shat on, when I let myself absorb my own plan, I just cry. This is so fucking hard.

Oh op, it's understandable you feel like you do. But you are doing SO WELL - you've got a plan together and fwiw I think it will come as a huge shock to him. Get as much rl support as you can, if mil is 30 minutes from your mum could you visit her over Xmas with ds and let her know what is going on? (probably dependent on your relationship with mil)?

Stay strong op, you're doing brilliantly.

Don't forget it's not just whether he wants to come back to you, it's whether you - after this - want him back.

I think you should have tested his commitment to relationship counselling by getting him to book it, OP. Don't do anything that makes it easier for him at this stage - it seems to me he has shown you his true colours already and is looking for ways to get ending it to be 'your fault', as you suspect. Take some power back for yourself - and I'd remind him as well you expect him to be on top of the housework whilst you're away (cheeky f**ker).

I'm confused, - he has decided its over between you, so why is he suggesting a RC?

I'm not saying I think its a bad idea (I think it's a good idea) but I'm surprised as to what he is thinking is going to result from it?

Just wanted to say well do e for dusting yourself down and picking yourself up so quickly.... He sounds like he wants his single life back, wanting to get drunk with his friends etc. I'm sure he hasn't thought any of it through properly. So yes show him how it will really be, but although you don't want to be alone, you deserve so much better so try and come to terms with that the best you can. Do what you can to feel better about you, hair done, New clothes, day /night out with friends. Drop ds off with him and tell him you're off out to have fun with whoever.
Put yourself and your DC first, and let him get on with his immature irresponsible dream world. Good luck

he's actually gone. I'm alone with DS, he put him to bed, put on his coat and left. He didn't even wait for my mum to collect us tomorrow, he's already gone to his mates house. No doubt to get smashed and talk about how terrible it's been for him.

I hate him so much right now. I feel utterly empty and shocked. Its already happening, I'm actually on my own. I can't really believe it, I think I'm actually in shock... I just thought that he would come to his senses.

What the fuck am I going to do?

Hope you dont mind me asking, but how did you manage to get an appointment with a relationship counselor as soon as 10th Jan. You mentioned that you had no money so I'm assuming this is free for you, where I live any such free councelling has a waiting list months long. I'm only asking because I have been considering arranging one but couldnt really afford to pay and cant see one for free until March/April.