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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

11 weeks pg, DH wants to separate.

76 replies

sillywmama · 16/12/2011 21:03

I'm moving to my mums on Sunday (she's away til then so we can't go now) with DS (17mo). I'm 11 weeks pg, with PGP - unresolved from last time, quite disabling pain.

DH says I'm not fun any more. I disappointed him by not being 'on top of the housework' and wanting to 'see him all the time' after we had DS. He says he only slept with me the night I conceived the new DC because he was half asleep and wouldn't have if he'd been fully aware of himself.

I feel disgusting, fat, ugly, boring and rejected. I can't imagine a life where my beautiful DC's grow up never knowing what it's like to be with both parents. I am terrified of the future. I hate him so much for being such a shallow, selfish, childish prick. He's 28. We're not kids. Nobody pushed him into getting married and having children, he wanted to. Now I'm all alone, in pain, and I have no idea at all what I'm going to do or where I'm going to end up.

I just feel broken, and exhausted. I can't stop crying.

He says he still loves me? That he wants to be there and involved with the pregnancy and DS and wants to co-parent... he just doesn't want me. He doesn't fancy me. He wants to party with his friends, and get drunk and be on his own.

I just can't understand how this has happened to my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
sillywmama · 17/12/2011 19:34

its only an assessment appointment, and it's not free (not by a long stretch) I don't know how long it will take to be seen after we 'join the queue'. I don't have the money for it by any normal standards, but I keep thinking, what price am i going to put on my family? If he's willing to go I have to try. I'm pregnant, I can't do nothing... I have to know, for my sake and my DCs sake I did everything I could. If it costs money but it helps I'd rather be skint and have given it a shot :(

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/12/2011 21:36

So sorry you're going through this. Your DH is behaving v coldly towards you Sad. it's not your fault, and not your responsibility to resolve.

if funds are limited, is counselling a good idea? Is unlikely to help if he has made up his mind, it might simply enable him to say "we tried, went to counselling" as a way not to look like the bad guy. Your money might be better saved for upcoming expenses, or spent on legal advice.

Sorry to sound negative, but your dh just doesn't sound committed to you or like he loves you. You deserve better!

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 17/12/2011 21:42

Was the pregnancy planned? Were you trying to concieve ? Especially with a 17mo child you should have been a bit more cautious and waited to see how loyal he was. I suspect that he has found a younger perky lover and is just using your "mummy" status as an excuse to label you as fat and not sexy.

nappymaestro · 17/12/2011 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sillywmama · 17/12/2011 22:17

be a bit more cautious? I am married, we discussed contraception, we decided that we both wanted another child last July. Things haven't been perfect between us but I thought that was normal, young family stuff. I can't read minds. How was I supposed to know he didn't actually mean what he said to me? The circumstances of this baby's conception were not ideal, but it's not because I was a careless slapper who didn't give a fuck about whether I got pregnant or not :( Forgive me for thinking loyalty was part of the package when you agree to get married and have a child. If you don't think it's part of the package, I can't see why anyone would ever get married in the first place? Until your heart has been broken and stomped on, it's pretty normal to trust that your partner is going to stick around when you both promised publicly that you would :(

It's not my fault he's being a total shit. The age gap will be 23months. That's pretty normal too, I think? I'm not the stupid one Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
sillywmama · 17/12/2011 22:21

...fucksake. Whatever, I guess everyone is entitled to an opinion. Just because someone thinks I made a mistake doesn't mean I did, any more than H 'feeling' like he wants to have more fun makes it a fact that I'm boring. OR that it must mean he's shagging a hot 20 year old, or anything else.

I hate being in this situation. I hate everything about it. I hate being me right now. But I will not hate the baby I'm carrying, or regret wanting it. The baby isn't the problem here, that's one thing I'm certain of.

OP posts:
nappymaestro · 17/12/2011 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sillywmama · 17/12/2011 22:30

thanks nappymaetro sorry just feeling a bit sensitive. I hate feeling like I'm the only person in our lives who wants this baby, and I know that it will be hard. The PGP is horrible, and I am not naive enough to think that having two children is a walk in the park... it's just, in all the other crap going round right now, it feels like the fact that there is a little precious miracle in there (that in any other situation I'd be over the moon about and shouting from the rooftops in excitement) is somehow a dirty little mistake we're all going to have to just get on and 'deal with'. I kind of felt the need to say out loud a bit of aaaaargh fuck OFF to the whole tut tut thing.

OP posts:
WibblyBibble · 17/12/2011 22:31

Ignore the idiots; some people on here think men can just come and go as they please with women picking up all the slack for them. Is your older child still bf or anything? If not, is it possible that you could actually leave the older one with him- it sounds as if you're finding it hard to chase round after a toddler because of the pgp, and also (from a more cynical perspective), he'll soon see how hard it is to manage to go out with mates and be the life of the party while caring for young kids if he's looking after a toddler (sounds like you've done most of the real work so far, so about time he took a turn).

WibblyBibble · 17/12/2011 22:31

Sorry, when I say 'leave the older child with him' I mean with your partner, not with the foetus! That would be silly. I am slightly sleep deprived...

Original poster
sillywmama · 17/12/2011 22:33

I understand what you're saying WibblyBibble but I just couldn't bear to not be with DS right now. I might need him to do more of the day to day stuff later, but now it's too raw. I need to pack up and run for cover... I couldn't leave DS with him, knowing how selfish and irresponsible he's being. :(

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2011 22:33

sillwmama - please ignore TheTruthNothingButTheTruth - it's the school holidays again. It's just a shit stirer.

GeekLove · 17/12/2011 22:35

This is not the only thread that truth has been on and has similarly been as helpful. As far as counselling is concerned it is almost certain to be for HIM to think ' I suggested counselling, I did my bit' to salve his concierge. His coldness shows he has detached already.
I would go to the first session but I think only the actual proceedures of separation will jolt him. Have you asked him to move out yet?

Op sorry if this sounds cold I really am sorry you are going through this. He really has taken leave of his sense and if he is this flaky now what sort of parent is he going to be? I dont think you have made any wron assumptions.

Original poster
sillywmama · 17/12/2011 22:36

sigh

you're right. I'm going to bed. Nothing is going to change tonight. I may as well try not to be totally sleep deprived for tomorrow.

thanks

OP posts:
GeekLove · 17/12/2011 22:36

Concierge? I meant conscience

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2011 22:40

No I wouldn't leave DS with him either - fuck only knows who he'd leave him with so he could go out drinking and whatever.

Someone said earlier that he probably has someone else - you reacted against that, but sadly, those of us who have been around for a long time recognise the general pattern of events and it is highly like he is seeing someone else. Be prepared OK. No one is saying it to hurt you, just to let you know that it's very very common. Rare is a man who wants out without someone else in the wings.

I doubt very much that he will 'see sense' and 'realise what he's losing out on'. He has told you he only slept with you because he was half asleep - that if he had been awake he wouldn't have. Sadly I think you need to see that he means those comments.

I have no idea why he suggested counselling - but I sincerely doubt it has anything to do with wanting to put things right.

It's a shame your Mum can't come to you for a bit instead so that you can stay in the house - you would be much better to do that if you can find any way to do it.

Stay strong, you are doing well.

Ilovepigs · 17/12/2011 22:53

Sorry but I will put money on the fact that he has met someone else. He may not have acted on it yet but he will.

Men in the main do not leave ostensibly happy familiy homes on a whim uless they think they have something better to go to.

I would start looking for evidence right now. Has he definately gone to stay with a friend?,check online history,emails,fb,banking history etc.

Please dont be naive-the amount of women on here who start their threads with the words I never ever thought my dh would cheat-is seriously depressing but a sad reality.

fallenpetal · 17/12/2011 23:13

Aw I so feel for you - I had the same rubbish talked at me by my ex ( the house, my appearance etc etc ) I was working, had 2 young kids and a disability and stood no chance against the perfect OW (who he denied for a year!!! ARSE)
How ever it turns out I hope you have an amazing pregnancy and your beautiful baby will be a blessing and a joy to you.

Forget the crap you have no control of and focus on your little one and yourself so you can be well and strong enough to enjoy the baby when the time comes.
His issues,fidelity, the house and work situation will all one way or another work themselves out, dont let that take away from your joy or your excitement. Sod everyone elses opinion, get excited and happy about your baby cos you, your lil one and that bump are all that matters now, the rest is pretty much irrelevant.
I know it will be hard and as devastating as this grief is dont let it ruin your life. Xx

Easy said from someone further down the line I do appreciate that, huge hugs xx

benbenandme · 18/12/2011 08:14

I hope you managed some sleep last night OP, you need the rest. Let your mum take care of you for a bit, she will want to help you in any way she can. I wouldn't recommend searching emails, fb etc for 'evidence', you can drive yourself crazy trying to find it, and it won't change anything, if there is someone else he won't be man enough to admit it yet anyway.

I would recommend you think about whether you want his name on the babys birth certificate, I may be wrong but I think it will affect his 'rights' later down the line, (I may be wrong here, no doubt someone else will know Smile ).

Sending you big hugs, you will begin to realise almost straight away which of your friends/family are truly there for you, and you will come to appreciate them forever in a way you never have before xx

mummytime · 18/12/2011 08:49

"I doubt very much that he will 'see sense' and 'realise what he's losing out on'. He has told you he only slept with you because he was half asleep - that if he had been awake he wouldn't have. Sadly I think you need to see that he means those comments."
Actually, I suspect that wasn't the truth at the time, but now he has used the excuse either with friends or an OW (or OM?). And now it is the truth for him. If you read the threads on here you will see a lot of people re-write history in these circumstances.
If you can, before your Mum takes you away, do gather documents. Birth certificates, Bank Statements, Insurance and so on. AT least take copies just in case.

shinyblackgrape · 19/12/2011 13:23

Just checking in and hope you are feeling a little bit better today now that you are with your mum.

QueenCess · 19/12/2011 14:17

Hi , I understand that you are going through a terrible time at the moment and I am going to say something that is going against the grain here but you may want to think about a termination. It may be something you have a moral objection to but I feel it needs to be put forward.

The reason being he has affectively told you he doesn't want the child and he will most likely reject it. That is not a good prospect for a child. He isn't going to be in a financial position to support his family for the forseeable future either.

Also you are physically ill and unable to cope with the rigours of raising a toddler with your condition. Divorce is hard enough and you already have a child that you are going to have to help get through this as well as yourself.

I wish you well whatever you decide. I agree with the posters who think he has another woman. You need to steel yourself. Don't bother with the counselling - he is just doing it as part of his public face. He sounds a nasty man saying such wicked things to an ill pregnant woman and the lack of support is just shocking.

I think it would do him the power of good looking after the toddler for a bit and may limit his options somewhat. He is the child's father and should be doing 50% of the work - so make him.
Best wishes.

pollyblue · 19/12/2011 20:48

QueenCess I think that's the last thing the OP would want mentioning. She has already said this baby is very much wanted and will never be regretted.

So what if her husband rejects the baby? She is not, and says she will not. She also has family support in the hape of her Mum.

I'm pro-choice when it comes to abortion, but there's a time and a place for bringing the subject up.....

Bloody hell.

chelen · 20/12/2011 13:05

My mind boggles at the post from Queencess. It is never appropriate to suggest someone else should think about abortion really. I think that deeply negative post says more about the poster's mindset than the OP's situation.

OP - I just wanted to say I really feel for you. I can only imagine how hard things are but you sound very strong.

My DP has a son from previous relationship. He was stunned when his ex said she was leaving him. Yes it has been tough on his son and he had a few years where he was head down just battling on. But his son/my stepson is an amazing boy, don't listen to anyone who only gives doom and gloom predictions.

I really hope you get to your mum's, get some well-deserved TLC and can take it from there.

And listen to the wise ones about not giving up any rights on the house - you are entitled to some of it because you have children to support.

QueenCess · 20/12/2011 13:52

I thought very carefully before posting and did so having read that the O.P feels her mental health is at stake, she is physically ill, unsupported as she lives miles away from friends and family, already has a young child and a soon to be EP who in all reality is going to be unable to support them all. The O.P. is finding work too difficult to manage to support her family herself. The XP has made it clear that he doesn't want the child and has insulted her in the most damning way possible.

Whilst I think it is wonderfully courageous that the O.P carry on battling through I just wanted to put forward another option that nobody else has. Equally courageous in my view. It is just that, another valid option because things don't get much grimmer than O.P 's current situation. I very much feel for her.

In no way did I want to hurt anyone's feelings or be controversial for the sake of it.