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Original poster

How would you define an emotional affair?

47 replies

DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 16/12/2011 19:12

I'm developing a friendship with someone I met recently and don't for a minute think it is an EA, but I want to be certain and reassure myself that it's ok.

I'm single but have hang-ups about male friends thanks to my ex. He's married. He has never mentioned his wife in my presence and has never indicated an interest in anything other than friendship.

However, he makes it clear that he enjoys my company and is currently trying to rearrange plans for Monday evening so he can come to mine before I go away for Christmas. There is a genuine reason for coming to my house but it's not essential that it happens before Christmas.

I've had all sorts of emotions running through my head regarding this friendship, which I really value, but I don't want to be responsible for any problems between him and his wife.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
ItLookHardToStartNewLife · 16/12/2011 19:15

For sure I wouldn't let him come to my house on Monday night....
Actually I would not let him to come to my house at all!!

justpaddling · 16/12/2011 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amberlight · 16/12/2011 19:22

Friendships are great if both people are open, honest, and never do or say anything together that their partner would feel uncomfortable witnessing. Secret meetings, hidden phone calls, hastily deleted emails or texts, feeling defensive if you're asked about the friendship and what's been said or done in it, feeling like you want to spend your time with that person in some romantic/sexual way...those are big warning signs.

Friends are people who want us to be happy with our partners and totally secure.
You are right to be wary about this. Why isn't he talking to you about his wife, I wonder? Casual everyday conversation about what a couple does together is normal, e.g. "We're out with X at the weekend/we're off on holiday soon". Silence about a partner is very odd.

Mumofjz · 16/12/2011 19:34

totally agree with amberlight and peabodyblue, why wouldn't he mention his wife/life and to be totally honest, why would you become friends outside the workplace (i take it this is how you've become friends) with a man you know to be married and then want to spend time with him!!!

He has a wife, he shouldn't want to use his free time socialising with another woman without his wife there IMO

Original poster
DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 16/12/2011 19:35

Thank you for your responses.

I know I ought to address certain things with him but part of me is afraid to. If it leads to an uncomfortable conversation then it means our friendship shouldn't continue and I'm scared of losing it. He's the first person since my marriage ended to restore my faith in men and make me feel I can trust someone.

We met in a group of people (which actually includes his DS) (and no it's not work) and he's never mentioned his wife when we're together as a group either, so maybe that's just what he's like. When I saw them last night his DS mentioned her once and when I thought about it realised he hadn't mentioned her before either.

OP posts:
Mumofjz · 16/12/2011 19:41

Son's/Daughters aren't going to mention their mother really in any conversation, their lives revolve around them and them only!!Shock but the husband...... he should, especially as you say "the friendship is important to you" i take it that means you talk alot and value him, not just a random person you see and the local "art group" (or such like) and talk about said interrest and the current climate.

Don't think this man is going to restore your faith in men unfortuantely, but i may be wrong!!!!!! Hmm

Original poster
DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 16/12/2011 19:46

This is so hard. He's the only person who I feel I can talk to about anything and everything; from DD being obsessed with Charlie and Lola and who should win Strictly to how my ex treated me and losing my mother as a child.

It's so long since I felt that comfortable with someone.

I need to stop don't I? Sad

OP posts:
FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 16/12/2011 19:48

I'm sorry, but I really think you do.

Talking from (very painful) experience here xx

poppycat04 · 16/12/2011 19:50

Yes you do

FreyaoftheNorth · 16/12/2011 19:58

Why not make an excuse about this meeting and then set something up in the new year where you invite him and his wife?

Also - and especially if he doesn't like the idea of bringing her along - if he's so easy to talk to, it might just be an idea to raise this concern directly.
If you feel you're going to have to give up seeing him outside the group anyway, what is there to lose?

struwelpeter · 16/12/2011 20:01

Sounds like the only thing you can do to salvage this is say I don't think you should come to my house unless your wife knows about our friendship as a precursor to me meeting her and becoming family friends - that's the only good that can come of this.
I was on the other end of this and it hurts like hell.

SantasStrapon · 16/12/2011 20:04

Agree with Frosty. From painful experience, you need to walk away from this friendship.

nkf · 16/12/2011 20:05

Don't have him to your house. And find other people to spend time with.

KatieScarlett2833 · 16/12/2011 20:07

You need to meet the wife and know she is OK with your friendship.

You can't have him, sorry Sad

Original poster
DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 16/12/2011 20:11

nkf I have other people to spend time with but no one else I can talk to like I can with him.

Our group meetings have come to an end so I won't be seeing him on our usual weekly basis anymore.

I know you're all right. I need to know that she knows. If it turns out that she does know and is ok with it does that make it alright? I know I'm probably clutching at straws but it's making me so sad.

OP posts:
FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 16/12/2011 20:12

Not wanting to say too much in public - but no, wife knowing doesn't always make it OK. Not IME anyway.

nkf · 16/12/2011 20:12

I'd go so far as to say that he's hoping to squeeze in a bit of pre-Christmas action before going off to his family. I also think that men are rarely interested in Charlie and Lola and are never interested in Strictly. They only pretend to be when they are trying to get into your knickers. You feel unsure. Trust your feelings.

Original poster
DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 16/12/2011 20:14

And btw I'm sorry to those of you who have been on the other side of this and have been hurt. Of course I don't want to hurt his wife, I'm sure she's lovely. It would just be very difficult not to be able to see/speak to/text him.

OP posts:
FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 16/12/2011 20:14

I PM'd you Smile

Original poster
DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 16/12/2011 20:16

nkf I've never had reason to belive he wants to get into my knickers. He's 25 years older than me. There's no physical/sexual attraction going on. He's not interested in Charlie and Lola, my DD is and I tell him about it (example of random inane things we discuss) and he knows a hell of a lot about Strictly for someone who's only pretending.

OP posts:
exexpat · 16/12/2011 20:30

Can I go against the grain? I think it is perfectly possible to have married/attached male friends with no ulterior motives.

I am single (widowed for five years, was happily married before that) and have two very good male friends who are married/with long-term partners. They are both the kind of people I can talk about anything and everything with and have loads in common with. We are in contact with by email/facebook etc, and the one who lives close to me I see for lunch or drinks every now and again without his partner (though I have met her several times and we are occasionally at bigger social gatherings together). He has been round to my house several times for various reasons, and after I held a party a couple of years ago he was the last one to leave, at about 1am, when he had been helping me clear up. There is absolutely no question of any kind of affair going on, certainly from my point of view, and if he was thinking of making a move in that direction he has had plenty of opportunities so I assume he thinks the same.

The other lives further away so we don't get the chance to meet up very often, and I have never met his wife, but I dare say if he did live nearby, I might see him in a similar way to my other male friend. And I had male friends I went out with by myself when DH was alive too - this is just the same. Not all men are lecherous types looking for affairs.

nkf · 16/12/2011 20:33

I'm sure you're right. But you do sound a bit uneasy and I think uneasiness is worth listening to.

Mumofjz · 16/12/2011 20:34

lol, that's because he's a married man with a wife and family, been there and done that and understands. That is what is drawing you in. And age is never a factor!!!!!

It's great that you can talk to him about "crap" but would be even greater if you could and he was single but he isn't and therefore IMO shouldn't be making "dates" outside the meetings you both attend.

I think you know that this could be more of a friendship from either perspective that is why you are questioning it now...? Unless you intend on seeing what will probably be inevitable some way down the line should the friendship devolop, stop it now before people get hurt (and that would probably be you) Xmas Sad

Original poster
DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 16/12/2011 20:35

Thank you exexpat that's reassuring. I hate the idea that it would appear seedy. We joke when he comes to my house that he's knocked on all my gossiping neighbours' doors so they know there's a man visiting me!

OP posts:
Mumofjz · 16/12/2011 20:36

exexpat - can i just ask, did you become friends with these after they had married and also were you all friends prior to the loss of your husbband?

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