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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you define an emotional affair?

47 replies

DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 16/12/2011 19:12

I'm developing a friendship with someone I met recently and don't for a minute think it is an EA, but I want to be certain and reassure myself that it's ok.

I'm single but have hang-ups about male friends thanks to my ex. He's married. He has never mentioned his wife in my presence and has never indicated an interest in anything other than friendship.

However, he makes it clear that he enjoys my company and is currently trying to rearrange plans for Monday evening so he can come to mine before I go away for Christmas. There is a genuine reason for coming to my house but it's not essential that it happens before Christmas.

I've had all sorts of emotions running through my head regarding this friendship, which I really value, but I don't want to be responsible for any problems between him and his wife.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

exexpat · 16/12/2011 20:43

Mumofjz - the one I see most often I have only known for four years or so (through a course we did together), so that was after I lost DH. He's been with his partner 15 years or so. The other is an old school friend I have drifted in and out of touch with - he did meet DH many years ago (but didn't know him well), when we were living in the UK, but then we moved overseas and lost touch for a while. He got married during that time, and I have been back in touch with him since moving back to the UK after DH died. My other good male friends, who did all know DH well, are all overseas so I see them infrequently.

struwelpeter · 16/12/2011 20:49

Mmm, you may have the best intentions but unless you can all be 'family friends' then it veers into dangerous territory. Once you step outside the dynamic of the group where you met then it's like going out with one bloke in the office for lunch instead of the whole bunch. Playing the listening good friend is a common ploy. What would he say if you said sure do come round with your wife?

Mumofjz · 16/12/2011 20:51

i often find that friendships from "old" can stand the test the time due to their partners knowing/understanding that they have known the person prior to themselves and mostly on a whole don't feel threatened by that person.
I'm intrigued as to your friendship of 4yrs, how did it start? Was his wife not concerned? Was the friendship based on a shared loss? Please tell me to be quiet if i'm being too nosey but i just wouldn't dream of starting up a close friendship with another man without my husband first knowing him well and also that he was happy with it.

Original poster

DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 16/12/2011 20:59

stru - we met on an Alpha course and I'm told by someone else in our group (who knows them as a couple) that his wife had absolutely no interest in going along too. The occasions he's been to my house have been to do with Alpha; once to pick up a dvd and once to come and watch a talk that we'd both missed.

It's the same on Monday evening; there's one final talk that we haven't seen but want to, so inviting his wife along too would be pointless.

Am I being so naive that I'm not seeing an ulterior motive in him?

OP posts:

exexpat · 16/12/2011 21:01

Mumofjz - no, no shared loss, just lots of common interests; we met through a fairly intensive two-year course of evening classes we both did (now finished).

We sometimes get together with other friends from the course but sometimes just the two of us. We also have some other mutual friends, and have been to a weekend festival in a large group including his partner & DC, my DCs and some other friends and their families, and I have met his partner socially at other things. She seems very relaxed about our friendship - in fact, friend & I and one other (male, married) friend went away for a weekend together earlier this year, which was fine with everyone concerned.

I tend to think that we are all just mature adults and can be friends with whoever we like, and take responsibility for our own behaviour, but maybe some people would feel threatened.

Mumofjz · 16/12/2011 21:38

I'm glad you have found good solid friendships exexpat, you are a very lucky lady

Can i also ask a question you should never ask a lady.... what age bracket are you

struwelpeter · 16/12/2011 21:48

Am tempted to suggest that friendships built around the Alpha course should be ok - Christian morality etc.
So I suppose question to ask is would you be happy for other members of the group to see you out having a coffee together? Do you feel you should get glammed up even slightly for the evening? If you had to change the time, could you phone his home to say can he come 30 mins later? Are you comfortable with him being in your home?
If the course is about to end, then perhaps chance it, but then any further reasons to meet post-course should be social visits involving his wife. If he gets a little flustered or says wife wouldn't understand/hates meeting new people or whatever then you have your answer.

exexpat · 16/12/2011 21:49

Lady? Me? Well, maybe. 43. All grown-up, anyway.

catsareevil · 16/12/2011 22:06

I'm shocked by some of this thread. I have male friends from work that I meet with for lunch/coffee. I hope people dont think we are sleeping together

MarinaAzul · 16/12/2011 22:06

The fact that you are posting on Relationships about it suggests you are a bit wary of this 'friendship'. It rings alarm bells for me because I was in a very similar situation (with an older married work colleague) it led to an affair and I got very badly hurt.

veryconfusedatthemoment · 16/12/2011 22:24

Easy peasy - deceipt involved.

If I meet a male friend for whatever I used to tell STBEXH. He started meeting a lady and I knew nothing. Mine did not develop into affairs - his did and he is my ex for a reason.

I personally think this sounds a bit odd.

maleview70 · 16/12/2011 22:32

Age is never an issue for a man.

If his wife is aware then there is no issue. If she isn't then it his highly likely he wants more.

Original poster

DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 17/12/2011 06:41

Thanks for the further comments.

stru the other members of the group know that we have met up. The other night we were referring to conversations we'd had between the two of us and sharing what we'd discussed. In fact, when I'd suggested to my friend that he came over to watch the dvd I'd included his DS in the invitation. So no, I wouldn't worry about being seen out for a coffee with him.

As for phoning him at home I'm not sure. He's phoned me from home but I've only ever phoned his mobile. Until I've had reassurance from him that his wife is aware of me I don't think I would call him at home.

I'm sure age isn't an issue for men. I mentioned his age more from my own point of view. My ex was 16 years older than me and the age gap became an issue so I really wouldn't want to have such an age gap again.

I don't know if there's any deceit involved, this is the problem and that is the conversation I know I'm going to have to have with him.

I've posted here rather than chat because it's about a relationship involving emotions (certainly on my part) not something I'd like to take anywhere near chat where it could all go horribly wrong.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

dustlandfairytale · 17/12/2011 06:46

With male friends/colleagues whose wives you dont know, I think it is always a good thing to mention/ask after them even if the man doesnt. Find out the wife's name too and then you can say something like "will you and Karen be staying at home for Christmas" or whatever. It sets proper boundaries, and makes things up front and open. Even if they are not intending to be "up to no good", it stops them compartmentalising their lives. Men are very good at that. Equally OP it would stop you forgetting he has a wife and the consequences of having a relationship of any kind with this man that his wife doesnt know about.

Santageekmum · 17/12/2011 07:12

Good advice from Dustland.

If I were you I'd call the home phone anyway, as it makes it clear you have no other intentions. Conversation could go like this:

Hi, this is Dull from xxx's alpha course. Could you pass on a message for me please?

Santageekmum · 17/12/2011 07:35

And you could also add:

I know you're not interested in the alpha course but would you want to pop round after for a drink as its our last meeting before Christmas? I promise I won't try to convert you hahaha!

Whorulestheroost · 17/12/2011 07:37

I have a friend who has just found out that her dh has been been going out for lunch with a female work colleague. He has also confessed that she makes his heart beat faster and that he loves the attention, although he has never sleep with this woman. She is absolutely devastated. Be very careful, how do you feel about him? Truly, do you want it to go further or for you is it purely innocent friendship?

blakeney · 17/12/2011 07:41

Dull, I think you need to beware how YOU feel about this man, that you're not letting yourself get too emotionally attached. You know he's married and you say he hasn't made any indication he sees you as more than a friend. But you need to be confident that if he was to change the boundaries you would be in a position to reject his advances x

amberlight · 17/12/2011 08:24

Christian morality? Gee whizz no. Any study on Christians finds that we're mostly not a bit different to anyone else in our behaviour, morals, standards, level of crime or any other factor. There was a good recent bit of science done that showed that the more moral people had to be in one context, the worse their behaviour was in others. It evens out. Good boundaries have to exist whether someone is a person of faith or not.

Original poster

DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 17/12/2011 09:04

That's a good point blakeney. Physically I trust myself completely; I'm not ready for that with anyone let alone a married man (which has always been a no-go area in my book).

It's the emotional attachment that's the hardest bit for me. I've been craving something like this for so long and it's sod's law that the one person who has actually made me feel confident about myself and reassured me that I'm not a complete nutcase is married.

I've given it a lot of thought since starting this thread and I know I'm going to address the issue with him. I suppose the response I get will be my answer. If he invites me over for Sunday lunch then fine, but if he brushes it off I'm going to have to cut all ties.

Bloody hard but I suppose it's better to do it now than months down the line when it will be even worse.

OP posts:

MarinaAzul · 17/12/2011 09:27

Good advice here Dull, relieved you're taking it. You know, he really does sound like my ex MM, listened to me, made me feel special, etc., reeled me in . I was easy prey because I have esteem issues.
I think older men can do this because they are (usually) experienced at dealing with younger women, daughters, daughter's/son's friends, nieces, yonger female colleagues.
Mention his wife next time. If you are being honest and just want his friendship , knowing his wife too would greatly benifit you.
Good luck and please let us know how this panns out.

dustlandfairytale · 17/12/2011 10:55

My dh left me for someone 29 years younger than him so please dont think that age is a barrier in men's minds. I am not against friendships at all. I have some very dear married male friends. You have to be very very careful to keep the boundaries there and I certainly feel that his wife needs to know all about your friendship. If that is the case, and she is happy with it go ahead, if not call a halt to it right now.

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