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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's chatting to 'hookers' what do i do?

100 replies

TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 18:03

I recently found out that DP of 2 years has been watching porn online, i found out through his e-mail, which i shouldn't have looked at but oh well I'm a woman.
Anyway i got a bit nosy and had a look at a few of the sites, not only has he been watching porn but he has been chatting online to the women and paying to chat to them.
This in itself doesn't hurt me too much (apart from the fact we are struggling for money and now i know why) but i had a look into one of the sites only to find out it is a prostitute and hooker site and that he has his mobile number on there and on a few occasions has even talked to the hookers asking they're rates and availability.
One of them he even had a booking with but didn't go through with (reason unknown)

I am worried because all the women he has been chatting to have been in and around the city he works in, nowhere near where i work, and he has been sending people his mobile number and telling them to contact him in his lunch break.

Is this cheating to everyone?? i don't think he has touched someone since we have been together but I don't even want him talking to these people, porn i can deal with , prostitutes not so much. What do you all think?

OP posts:
Ebb · 16/12/2011 18:05

Yes, I would consider it cheating and, yes, it would be the end of our relationship. Sorry. Sad

mumblechum1 · 16/12/2011 18:06

I wouldn't put up with it.

I think you need to confront him with it and find out what the hell he thinks he's doing.

Doha · 16/12/2011 18:08

Yep cheating in my book too. How do you know if he has touched someone else or notyou don't. You thought you could trust himyou can't. He is spending money you can't afford.

What a wanker

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 18:10

i know its wrong, but i also went through his e-mail to find out about it, then logged onto the site using his name and everything to read his e-mails on site (it wasn't a trust issue i was just bored and nosy)
at the end of the day i really do love him, but he holds all the cards in our relationship, if i confront him, i'm the one on the pavement a week before xmas with nowhere to go

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 18:10

I thin you should be cautious here, find out more, and take a trip to the clinic

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 16/12/2011 18:11

He is also a low-life sleazeball. Sorry.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/12/2011 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 18:12

Littlest I had myself checked and know i am clear, i would hope that even if he did cheat he'd be clever enough to be safe about it...she says

OP posts:
Bohica · 16/12/2011 18:13

I'd rather have no where to be go then be treated like a mug.

Have you told him you know? You really need to get yourself checked talk to him.

Liluri · 16/12/2011 18:13

You don't trust him, or else you wouldn't have looked at his accounts in the first place..
He's lying to you, being deceitful, and initiating contact with other women. He is also spending money you can't afford.

If you're happy to carry on as if you don't know all this, in order to preserve the status quo, that is your prerogative.

I couldn't.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 18:13

Stewie i really can't leave, i don't have family i can go to and can't afford to get a place of my own despite working full time (places are expensive around here) the last thing i wanna do or can do is leave

OP posts:
CupOfGoodCheer · 16/12/2011 18:15

I would see the power imbalance in your relationship as a problem immediately tbh.

Do you think he is doing this because he thinks he can do what he likes and you can't leave/have nowhere to go?

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 18:16

Liluri i did trust him completely, in all honesty the only reason i went onto his e-mailwas to get my tesco online password off it cos we used hi e-mail for it and i wanted to do some online shopping. Then when i logged on i just got caried away by the sheer amount of e-mails.
I still trust him a little bit, but at least now i know he is being unreasonable

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 16/12/2011 18:18

So what do you plan to do?

You deserve someone who worships you, not takes from you.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 18:24

He doesn't take from me, he pays the rent, i pay everything else, he has a DD who he pays a fortune for, there are lots of reasons we are short of money. i was ill for 18 months of those 2 years and he stood by me through hospital trips and things like that. I'm not saying i owe him anything but i know we have had something really good and i don't want to let go of it.

We have a great sex life, we go out for meals, nights out things like that and i do love our life.
Part of me thinks that as long as he isn't bringing women and their parasites into my home then i shouldn't worry and look at the bigger picture.
Am i a total fool?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 18:26

Yes you are!

Sorry, you asked

GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 18:26

And I don't think fab meant 'take things' that way.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/12/2011 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CupOfGoodCheer · 16/12/2011 18:33

"Part of me thinks that as long as he isn't bringing women and their parasites into my home then i shouldn't worry and look at the bigger picture."

Honey, the bigger picture is that your boyfriend is a manky, hooker-shagging cheat. Sorry, but that's the truth of it.

If you accept this, then you're a doormat.

GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 18:34

Do you have dc with him?

fuzzypeach1750 · 16/12/2011 18:38

Totally agree! He's cheating even if you can't see it. If my DH so much as held hands all cosy cosy with someone else I'd kick him to the kerb! I'm too good for crap like that and so are you.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 18:39

we don't have any DCs but he has a DD from his previous marriage who i love with all my heart and really don't want to leave her.
maybe i am a doormat...i love mumsnet i don't know what i'd do without it

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 16/12/2011 18:43

OP, you need to go get yourself a big bag of self esteem, because it sounds like at the moment, you have zero.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 18:54

i don't have any :( to be honest i've dug myself into a bit of a hole with him, and my nickname kinda reflects that.
I know i love him too much but i'm not sure how that helps me, anyone have a magic wand they fancy waving.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 16/12/2011 19:04

I meant he takes from you in a moneytary sense as he has spent money you can't afford on the hookers.

He also has taken your happy life and stability from you.