He's chatting to 'hookers' what do i do?

[TooMuchInLove]

I recently found out that DP of 2 years has been watching porn online, i found out through his e-mail, which i shouldn't have looked at but oh well I'm a woman.
Anyway i got a bit nosy and had a look at a few of the sites, not only has he been watching porn but he has been chatting online to the women and paying to chat to them.
This in itself doesn't hurt me too much (apart from the fact we are struggling for money and now i know why) but i had a look into one of the sites only to find out it is a prostitute and hooker site and that he has his mobile number on there and on a few occasions has even talked to the hookers asking they're rates and availability.
One of them he even had a booking with but didn't go through with (reason unknown)

I am worried because all the women he has been chatting to have been in and around the city he works in, nowhere near where i work, and he has been sending people his mobile number and telling them to contact him in his lunch break.

Is this cheating to everyone?? i don't think he has touched someone since we have been together but I don't even want him talking to these people, porn i can deal with , prostitutes not so much. What do you all think?

If one likes oneself and the grown up inside you takes care of the small lonely child, you are not lonely anymore OP. You need some psychodynamic therapy. i think. #kick the disrespectful loser to the kerb, yes it will mean leaving the innocent girl, but my guess he might be using you to mother her.

No right or wrong time to leave an ABUSIVE relationship but it is always right to leave ASAP.

*innocent Daughter you are being used...

When you meet the right person you won't be lonely any more. To do that you nee to leave this man.

I concur with anyfcker.
This thread is too sad to read.
I guess some women were put on the planet to be gutless doormats.
If that makes you happy, plus giving up the chance find a life that makes you happy - having your own kid, having a man who doesn't use prostitutes - then stay where you are.
Rather you than me.
It's like one of those depressing British independent movies.
Gonna change the channel and watch, 'Shirley Valentine' instead.

Some men visit prostitutes because they cannot get a specific type of sex from their wife. My ex used to visit escorts for anal sex and for some other perverted things.

OP - I am no expert on relationships, but I do understand how you feel wrt loneliness. The thing is - WITH this man you will be lonely and miserable. WITHOUT this man you will be lonely, yes, but you can then start building a life for yourself which includes the things you want - hobbies, work, a child. Staying with him you will almost certainly be treated like a doormat to financially ease the burden on his household and also ease the burden with childcare. He will almost certainly cheat on you with vulnerable women, and pay for it out of your family purse.

The reason he feels he can do this? He senses your need of him and willingness to sacrifice yourself for him so he thinks he can treat you however he likes and you will not leave him. He knows this. He has a massive sense of entitlement - that's what enables him to treat you this way. That's also why he uses webcam models and has been contacting prostitutes online.

I understand the having low self-esteem, but if you stay with this man he will erode your self-esteem and self-respect until you don't even know who you are anymore.

Relationships are supposed to make you feel happy and loved most of the time, and they are certainly not supposed to involve having put up with cheating and lying and selfishness.

You CAN live on minimum wage job. It may be a squeeze but a small 1-bed flat can be managed. If you are over 25 you may get some working tax credits, some housing benefit if you rent privately and some reduction in council tax. I used to live on £230 pw for me and 2 kids bills AND paying my full rent. It was a tight squeeze but think of how free you would be to use your little bit of extra money a week for a hobby or meeting people. You can get funding for some courses if you are on a low income. You would no longer have to be spying on some self-entitled twat who likely thinks nothing of putting you at risk of an STI. If his daughter when older learned of his ways, do you think she'd be learning good lessons from her father?

There are good men out there (or so I've been told , I'm too busy recovering from my experiences of that industry to be ready to look yet). Why not be single for a while, then choose one of them and have a little family? It will happen. I think something like 80% of people have children eventually and an even higher percentage get married or settle down with a partner. Chances are very high you will too. Just please not with this guy.

Just re-read the OP and noticed this -

I am worried because all the women he has been chatting to have been in and around the city he works in, nowhere near where i work, and he has been sending people his mobile number and telling them to contact him in his lunch break

If it was the 'A Work' site, can you elaborate on what the emails asking women to contact him in his lunchbreak actually said?

I have a good idea from what you wrote there that he was sending an email through their "system" asking their availability for a meet and leaving his number and/or a time for someone to contact him?

This means he almost certainly DID have a concrete plan to meet prostitute(s).

This is how vast majority of real email bookings read. Timewaster ones send big long fantasising emails and they certainly DO NOT leave a phone number to be called back on. If that was along the lines of what he wrote, on that site, I'm 95% certain he either has had bookings (although maybe just finalised by phone and not been marked "completed" online for feedback exchange - most don't bother marking the bookings "completed" online even if they did take place) or he will very very soon.

I worked almost exclusively from that site 2005 - 2010 through a 'pimp' of sorts although I did all my own emails and mostly all my own phonecalls and you get a 'feel' for these things. Timewasters don't ask for availability on specific days or leave phone numbers. Everyone who ever left a phone number was definitely up for a booking if they could be fitted in.

Sorry. , just thought you might find some info helpful so you know more/are better prepared and he's not so smug thinking "T" is sitting at home unaware of what I'm really up to, and gloating about it.

I hope you are OK and considering your options x x x x

Well confronted him this morning. He did admit that hes been using the site and chatting on the phone but he never met any of them. He said the last e-mail was the last time and that he had no good excuse for doing it.

I need to try and work on us and he got really upset when i said i was leaving.
So i've set the ground rules.
I'm no gunna try and stop him looking at porn because that is pointless but i told him i was so disgusted by his behaviour that if i found out he had so much as visited an escort website that i would have to inform the exw.
I don't want his dd being brought into everything but i don't want her to grow up thinking its ok.

As awful as it is i have told him that if he crosses any lines its last chance time and i will walk. I'm not necessarily going to save money for leaving but just in case of emergency rainy day money that would cover me should it need to.

I know he could well be lying but then he could also be telling the truth and i'm giving him one last shot. X

I presume exw is ex wife... why would you inform her? Why wouldn't you just leave?

And why would you think it would be pointless to make him stop looking at porn? Because he doesn't give a fuck if he hurts your feelings? Because getting his rocks off looking at smutty pictures on the internet is more important to him than his relationship with you?

Why would his DD ever find out about the porn? I don't see how watching porn is relevant to his relationship with his daughter. The only relationship it affects is the one he has with you.

How many "last chances" has he had?

I'm sorry, I don't think your last post indicates that too much will change to be honest...

You ladies always give them "one last chance"

See you again a few months from now

You stay with this man this is what you will get -

no wedding ring.
no babies.
no security.
no love.
no respect.
no kindness.

If you leave this man this is what you will get -

a tough few months while you sort out a place to live and learning to live alone.
the opportunity to learn how strong you are.
the opportunity to discover you don't need a man to feel complete.
the oppotunity to discover what it really is you want out of live (marriage/babies) and what you don't want to live without (marriage/babies) and what you do want to go without (cheating men).
the chance to meet someone who will love you for you, who will respect you and put you first.
the chance to meet your husband.
the chance to meet the father of your childre.

Just saying.

Right.

I hadn't seen your last post before I posted mine. Wish I had.

What has it got to do with his ex and why would you be telling her what he has done?

How old are you as you sound very immature.

Fab, what you posted is very accurate

So sad to see a perfectly nice woman throwing her life away for a dubious man

I'm sorry to say, too much, but people are going to start sounding irritated with you now and it may be uncomfortable reading, but it is because anyone and everyone can see where this is going to end - i.e. badly for you.

You have rock bottom self-esteem and you need to deal with that or this scumbag is going to keep wiping his feet on you. We can all see what a complete lack of respect he is showing you, but you seem to think you deserve it. Until you have dealt with that, you are going to remain in this dead-end relationship.

You clearly have a lot to give and deserve to have your own children. For that reason alone you need to leave. Your P's daughter is not yours, however much you might love her - and if caring for her means putting up with him then it's just not worth it.

I know you won't listen. You have made up your mind, but this is seriously depressing. If I had a sniff that my DP was doing any of these disrespectful and hurtful things he would be out of that door faster than he could blink. I'm worth more than that - and so are you, if you could only see it.

The ending to this story is just so depressing.
It reminds me of that long river in Egypt.
Sigh.
See you in a few months time, or, even sadder, in a few years time.
Sigh.

I for one will support you no matter what you decide OP, it is your personal choice, i think you have started to realise already this relationship isn't going anywhere..:) Use this thread .. xxas being lonely you need people who understand and can empathise, i will always have the same stance that you owe it to a better future to leave this 'man',

oh yes, no matter how "irritated" and defeated I feel, I will be here

I usually am

Listen to AF. She is wise.

No man or relationship is worth putting up with all that crap particularly from a man that hates women so much so as he is happy to buy a vagina. On top of that you could lose your chance of motherhood over this utter scum who in 10 years time will barely remember who you are. We are only here once, why on earth are you doing this to yourself? A nice home is worth giving up in the short term for a shot at a decent life.

Are you OK, TooMuch? :)

Op I did what you are doing. I turned a blind eye to my ex and his seedy doings. It started with sex chat lines and then moved onto prostitutes. The more I put up with the less he respected me and he became utterly abusive and hateful towards me.

In the end I had a nervous breakdown, I literally lost my mind.

Something to think about.

Ah well, I interpret from your posts that you'll just stop looking for anything that will cause you to follow through on your threats, even though with this particular man, I think he's got so much contempt for you that he'll leave clues, knowing full well that you'll never leave him.

I was especially disgusted by this:

'i told him someone else posted this on MN to cover myself, he doesn't think its wrong cos its not illegal, told me that the woman should count herself lucky that the guy in question is only meeting up with female hookers. '

You're staying with someone who says this?

Windsor...yes, I did a double-take at that.
It quite disgusted me.
So he's saying that at least he's only screwing women..it could be worse, he could be living all his fantasies out, and doing it with men, too. So she should count herself lucky! Grrrrr.

This man is horrible.
Toomuchinlove is toomuchindenial and toomuchduuuuuuuh..

Why on earth should you have half a life because of this utter prick? Why should you have to put up with no marriage, no children if these things are what you want? Why should you put up with him using prostitutes??!!

I'm with the person who said they'd rather sleep on a amtes floor!

What an utterly depressing thread. You deserve more than this utter shithead. Please think about all that you are throwing away, this man will destroy your life.