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Original poster

He's chatting to 'hookers' what do i do?

100 replies

TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 18:03

I recently found out that DP of 2 years has been watching porn online, i found out through his e-mail, which i shouldn't have looked at but oh well I'm a woman.
Anyway i got a bit nosy and had a look at a few of the sites, not only has he been watching porn but he has been chatting online to the women and paying to chat to them.
This in itself doesn't hurt me too much (apart from the fact we are struggling for money and now i know why) but i had a look into one of the sites only to find out it is a prostitute and hooker site and that he has his mobile number on there and on a few occasions has even talked to the hookers asking they're rates and availability.
One of them he even had a booking with but didn't go through with (reason unknown)

I am worried because all the women he has been chatting to have been in and around the city he works in, nowhere near where i work, and he has been sending people his mobile number and telling them to contact him in his lunch break.

Is this cheating to everyone?? i don't think he has touched someone since we have been together but I don't even want him talking to these people, porn i can deal with , prostitutes not so much. What do you all think?

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 17/12/2011 16:41

LEAVE

LEAVE

LEAVE

Go into a hostel,

LEAVE

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 16:42

Are you going to stay with him, OP ?

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 17/12/2011 16:44

If you roll yourself under somebody's feet, you can't be surprised when they wipe their feet on you.

What's so great about him? Come on, I need to know if this guy's cock is made of pure gold and he has pubes woven from unicorn hair or something, because from what I see, he's a grade one tosser and you deserve much better.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 17/12/2011 16:46

I don't know. I'm sat beside him wrapping presents for his dd. He is happy and joking and messing about. He doesn't really know whats going through my head right now. Can men change?

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 16:49

Why should he change ?

He has no reason to

He has you thinking you are nothing without him, that you have to hang on to him at any cost to your self respect, overlooking your own well being

For some reason you are frightened to leave.

Perhaps you could negotiate an open relationship ? He gets to shag prostitutes, and you get to go out on the pull ?

Would he go for that ?

< knows the answer already >

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 16:50

and please don't make the mistake of lumping this prick in with the generic term "men"

not all men are like this

sofadweller · 17/12/2011 18:13

Sleazy behaviour. Would be a complete deal breaker for me.

What would your advice be to a friend who was treated like this? Would you tell her it was okay?

And to make it worse, he doesn't even want the important things you do - marriage and children. Why are you not hearing alarm bells here?

secretsanta233 · 17/12/2011 18:16

So he thinks it's okay to pay women for his sexual satisfaction, that's a fundamental view of what women are....this is compounded for him believing that you should think this is okay now. That's not something that can change, that's who he is.Sad

Why can't you have someone who will love and respect you OP?

FabbyChic · 17/12/2011 18:23

If he hasnt fucked a hooker he will. Im sorry you feel able to even sit there with him, he is a waster, a loser a complete shit he does not love you, you are just there a habit.

sofadweller · 17/12/2011 18:25

The real question for me is why you think this is all you deserve, all you are worth?

cakeoholic · 17/12/2011 18:37

TooMuch, if he is doing this now what will he be doing another two years from now?

He's already gone from looking to registering with his number to chatting online to phone chats then arranging a meet. He will stop getting anything out of this and will go further to get the rush, or however you'd describe it, and he will go through with a meet.

Please don't stay for him to do that to you.

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 17/12/2011 18:45

I don't think you are Too Much In Love: I think it's more like Too Desperate To Be Loved. What was your relationship with your family like as a child? What has damaged your self-esteem so much that you will cling to an arsehole like this one?

TheFidgetySheep · 17/12/2011 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarrellRivers · 17/12/2011 18:53

Leave him

Have a child

2 steps to happiness

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/12/2011 18:54

Fidgety is RIGHT. Being alone, lonely for a while is betterb than THIS. Have a few counselling sessions, ring the samaritans to chat, go to a hostel. Go to college, work in busy environments for company, pub, club just get out! Love you it will come and I am here if you need to chat, on yahoo if you like :)

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 17/12/2011 18:56

I don't really have much of a family. Well i do but we don't talk at all. Never really did.
Its not a case of being desperate to be loved. Maybe desperate for conversation. Or maybe i stayed with him all this time so that someone would hold my hand in hospital when i've been sick. Or carry me home when i've passed out because of treatment i've been having.
The truth is i think if i told him that i know about the hookers he will end it. And then i have nothing. I will be left pretty desperate then. And i am terrified of that if! Because i really do have no where to go and no one to go to.
I'm always going to be the one in the relationship who makes sacrifices :-( i don't think he's made one yet...well apart from full fat milk to semi skimmed. That was one of my harsger demands ;-)

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 17/12/2011 19:06

I knew you wanted to stay because of loneliness. You deserve to have the oppurtunity to make new friends via work. college the internet. meetup.com is a good start.

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/12/2011 19:07

*opportunity

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/12/2011 19:08

I cut ties with my family in 2005.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 17/12/2011 19:12

Thats why i can't see leaving him fixing me. I've been.lonely for ages :-( i work alone. Can't really afford hobbies or college or anything. I have neighbors. But at night if it is just me...i'm stuck. I literally have no clue how to fix that at this stage and i think if i lose him then.i have no one.

Wow never thought i was That pathetic!

OP posts:
Tinselrella · 17/12/2011 19:21

If you lose him, all you will lose will be the distrust, loneliness - while still being with someone (the saddest form of loneliness imo), emptiness, wondering 'what if' you currently have. You will however regain all of the sacrifices you made for him - give yourself a future, an opportunity to stand on your own two feet and an opportunity to find a proper man, in time, who respects you, loves you, worships you. Basically gives you all you deserves.

If you leave now, it will be tough. But you will be able to look back in a few years and think, fuck! Christmas 2011 was a hard time - that's when I left that cockwipe. But thank God I did that. Why was I ever considering staying with him?! You will probably shudder a little, perhaps imagine where he is - doubtless paying some poor prostitute who has no choice but to have sex with him. You have a choice. Do what's right for you.

I swear to God the saying is true - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 19:22

I can't stay on this thread

it is too sad

I wish you luck

I know you are going to throw your life away on this useless man

What would it take for you think "enough is enough" ? He brings a woman to your house and shags her in your bed ? This is on the cards

I am so sorry

herewegoagain10 · 17/12/2011 19:23

A quick response - and I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but you need to have a plan. I have been in a similar situation to you, but stayed because my dcs were at a critical stage in their education and I didn't/still don't feel able to disrupt them.

You may not feel able to leave/throw him out before Christmas, but plan to do something about it in the new year.

Find someone who will put you up on a short term basis if necessary.

Start to put some money away for your future.

Visit your citizens advice, job centre, or whatever and find out about benefits you could claim.

Investigate where you might live longer term.

Above all - DO NOT put up with this for any longer than you have to - and if you want children and have put your wishes on hold for this man - get out while you can and find someone else once you've built up your confidence.

Good luck and be strong.

Lovingsinglelife · 17/12/2011 19:25

Hi,
All I can say is even if it weren't for the prostitutes which is bad enough, you are clearly compromising anyway for this relationship, you cannot miss out on motherhood for this man, it simply isn't worth it, especially because he sounds like a total twat. I ended a 2 yr relationship on this basis, gave myself some time out and 6 months later I am in a new relationship with a man who wants marriage, kids etc so I am no longer limiting myself. You only live once, get out. I am 33 btw so aware of time but not under too much pressure yet, how old are you? Am also really glad that the lady who had worked as a prostitue posted what she did, I have met a few escorts over the years and whilst they seem happy and like their job, they always have a backstory that makes them very vulnerable, these twits kid themselves with the belle de jour fantasy. just get outl

FabbyChic · 17/12/2011 19:28

Im lonely not having been in a relationship properly for six years, one emotional relationship for three years, and one long distance for just over two years and I haven't seen him for 20 months.

I live alone now my children having moved on youngest at Uni but home for Christmas.

You get used to being alone, you fill your own time, I was that lonely once I stayed and married a woman beater. Never again.

You will stay with this man and in five years time when he has shagged around and given you an STD you will fall out of love with him and then you will leave him caring not for your circumstances. You will grow to hate him. It happens.

Then you would have wasted five years, be a former shadow of yourself and it will take years to recover.

Why? why do that to yourself.