Page 2 | He's chatting to 'hookers' what do i do?

TooMuchInLove · 2011-12-16T18:03:35+00:00

I recently found out that DP of 2 years has been watching porn online, i found out through his e-mail, which i shouldn't have looked at but oh well I'm a woman. Anyway i got a bit nosy and had a look at a few of the sites, not only has he been watching porn but he has been chatting online to the women and paying to chat to them. This in itself doesn't hurt me too much (apart from the fact we are struggling for money and now i know why) but i had a look into one of the sites only to find out it is a prostitute and hooker site and that he has his mobile number on there and on a few occasions has even talked to the hookers asking they're rates and availability. One of them he even had a booking with but didn't go through with (reason unknown) I am worried because all the women he has been chatting to have been in and around the city he works in, nowhere near where i work, and he has been sending people his mobile number and telling them to contact him in his lunch break. Is this cheating to everyone?? i don't think he has touched someone since we have been together but I don't even want him talking to these people, porn i can deal with , prostitutes not so much. What do you all think?

CupOfGoodCheer · 16/12/2011 19:07

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, OP.

Original poster

TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 19:24

he's home, i told him someone else posted this on MN to cover myself, he doesn't think its wrong cos its not illegal, told me that the woman should count herself lucky that the guy in question is only meeting up with female hookers.
He is being horrid tonight :( i wouldn't be surprised if he has been chatting to people in his lunchbreak whilst i have been home with a virus :(

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GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 19:26

Why do you have to explain away what's here on MN?? Why?

This is awful.

CupOfGoodCheer · 16/12/2011 19:28

what a twat

Original poster

TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 19:29

only cos he saw it and i couldn't exactly say i wrote it, so i said that it was a horrid thread and that i feel really sorry for the woman involved...well he didn't share my view, probably cos he knows he's guilty of it.
I guess i just have to get myself into a position where i'm not stuck here...that won't be easy :(
either that or become a hooker and see how he likes it!

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GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 19:34

Just leave. That would be do much easier

You know, be true to yourself

Original poster

TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 19:38

i don't think it would be easier, i have no savings cos that got used when i crashed my car :( it would take me months just to get a deposit for a bedsit and then even then its whether i can afford to live by myself on my lovely minimum wage job :(
i know i shouldn't stay cos i can't afford to go but its really hard to go and leave my beautiful home that i love so much :( to live in a shitty little bedsit on my own :(

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CupOfGoodCheer · 16/12/2011 19:51

what about a house share to begin with? Much more affordable, and potential friends and a social life ready and waiting!

fuzzypeach1750 · 16/12/2011 19:51

No you're right, it wouldn't be easier to begin with but in the long run you're life would be amazing can you find out quietly if you'd be entitled to housing benefit? There are schemes in place to help with getting a bond together.

The only real reason why you can't leave is you. You are the one standing in your way. It can be done and you can do it.

Just think of it like this, do you want to be together and unhappy or alone for a while, until you meet someone who treats you like the most precious thing in the world? In my eyes it's a simple choice.

Best of luck OP.

CupOfGoodCheer · 16/12/2011 19:52

at the moment you are compromising yourself, your self esteem and your principles. You won't get your self esteem back by staying in this situation.

Original poster

TooMuchInLove · 16/12/2011 20:02

thanks everyone for your replies...think i need to think for a while, feel free to keep posting your opinions, they do help, as harsh as they come xx

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mumblechum1 · 16/12/2011 21:16

Agree, a houseshare would be fine as you don't have kids.

BayPolar · 16/12/2011 21:24

I am so glad I a woman who worked to make myself independent of having to stay with a man who contacts prostitutes and spends money we don't have on such things.

Good luck, OP, not that you need it, you obviously don't seem to mind about this disgusting side to your partner.
Just don't have kids.

BayPolar · 16/12/2011 21:29

Okay, I just read your somewhat change of thought about this, the coming around to that it's just not right and he's a dickhead, but the worry you have of downgrading your living arrangements and the struggle that will involve, well, you might end up living in a smaller place for a while - and hey, what's wrong with small, I love small, simple, cheap, it's why I'm retiring at 43 in a few months time - but in the end your life will be richer for it, and you will be able to live with respect for yourself, and hopefully find somebody in the end who respects you.
Good luck and thank goodness you are seeing some sense. MN is great for helping folks see the error of their ways, and helping them through life changing decisions. I hope you will work on creating for yourself some semblance of independence to enable you to eventually extricate yourself from this situation.
In the meantime, stop having sexual relations with this vile man.

aliasforthis2 · 16/12/2011 22:05

TooMuchInLove

Did the site begin with "A" (a word meaning grown-up) ... and end in "work" by any chance??

To answer your questions -

Yes he is probably doing it because he feels you will never leave due to the big power imbalance you mentioned in your relationship.

There is a chance, however, that he did not actually meet anyone in person, as these sites are full of what we ex-hookers would call "timewasters" or "fantasists" who would never actually book. They are also chock-full of regular users of prostitutes who'swives have no idea . Quite a high numberof the "ditherers" do build up to going through with it eventually though.

On the other hand, there is a good chance he HAS been using prostitutes behind your back since the "un-completed booking(s)" you saw were simply the booking(s) made online via email form. Most men just call the prostitutes if they have displayed their number (most do) - 90% of bookings are done this way so he may very well have been seeing prostitutes. It is likely he had protected intercourse, but UN-PROTECTED oral is very very common so do get yourself checked out. Even if he is not actually visiting for sex, webcams aint cheap on the family purse!

I used to be a prostitute for years and I can categorically tell you that every single woman (out of 100s I met and worked with) was vulnerable in some way - drugs, alcohol, child abuse survivors, rape survivors, pimped, extremely low self-esteem, really bad childhoods, homeless etc, or a mixture of the above. If your husband is participating in this, he is either completely misguided and naive or an entitled and cold person. Since he is doing it behind your back, he probably gets off on getting 'one over' on the wifey at home.

All of this is from extensive experience. Sorry . I am so sorry this has happened to you, you may consider asking yourself "Do I really want to be with a man who betrays my trust in this way? Especially given he is taking advantage when we have such an unequal balance anyway"

xxxxx

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/12/2011 16:08

Print off the evidence from the website. Get yourself to the STD clinic SAP. Wrap the evidence and give it to him on Christmas Day infront of his relatives :)

Failing that go to STD clinic, see solicitor, get personal documents overnight bag, money. See CAB, ring Womens Aid be prepared to need to leave if the confrontation goes wrong.

If you love him want relationship to work tell him couple counselling is only option and tell him to tell you everything now as counsellor can smell bs from a mile away.

This hapened to me but in 1st counselling session i told him i no longer loved him and we split.

You need individual counselling if you blame YOU or make excuses for him xx good luck so so sorry x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 16:14

Is one man worth this ?

Really ?

I would rather kip on someone's floor that stay with a prick like this bloke

You don't "have something good" you have something sleazy, demeaning, demoralising and damaging

Not a way to live your life

No man is worth this

Move out and leave him to his pathetic pursuit of cheap thrills. It's all he is fit for.

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 16:16

of course it's cheating and he is a scum bag

Original poster

TooMuchInLove · 17/12/2011 16:20

aliasforthis2 that is the website :-( i guess i was still pretending that it wasn't happening and it wasn't real.
His dd came and spoke to me yesterday and asked me what was wrong cos i hadnt kissed daddy :-( heartbreaking, i love her and don't want to leave.
I hadn't really thought of couples counselling before because i always think we havent been together long enough and i don't think he would ever agree to it.

I have given up so much for him.
Told him i don't need marriage because his exw stung him so bad.
Told him despite really wanting a baby that if he doesn't want one i will stay with him and not have kids :-( i love his dd but she can't be mine she has a mum and i've always just wanted to be a mummy.

I'm a twat for doing this to myself :-(

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 16:24

aarrrrgh

please please please please do not give up your chance of being a mother for this man

what are you thinking?

I feel so sad and angry for you

No man is worth this !!!!!!!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 16:25

how old are you ?

Original poster

TooMuchInLove · 17/12/2011 16:30

aliasforthis2 that is the website :-( i guess i was still pretending that it wasn't happening and it wasn't real.
His dd came and spoke to me yesterday and asked me what was wrong cos i hadnt kissed daddy :-( heartbreaking, i love her and don't want to leave.
I hadn't really thought of couples counselling before because i always think we havent been together long enough and i don't think he would ever agree to it.

I have given up so much for him.
Told him i don't need marriage because his exw stung him so bad.
Told him despite really wanting a baby that if he doesn't want one i will stay with him and not have kids :-( i love his dd but she can't be mine she has a mum and i've always just wanted to be a mummy.

I'm a twat for doing this to myself :-(

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Original poster

TooMuchInLove · 17/12/2011 16:31

aliasforthis2 that is the website :-( i guess i was still pretending that it wasn't happening and it wasn't real.
His dd came and spoke to me yesterday and asked me what was wrong cos i hadnt kissed daddy :-( heartbreaking, i love her and don't want to leave.
I hadn't really thought of couples counselling before because i always think we havent been together long enough and i don't think he would ever agree to it.

I have given up so much for him.
Told him i don't need marriage because his exw stung him so bad.
Told him despite really wanting a baby that if he doesn't want one i will stay with him and not have kids :-( i love his dd but she can't be mine she has a mum and i've always just wanted to be a mummy.

I'm a twat for doing this to myself :-(

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Original poster

TooMuchInLove · 17/12/2011 16:36

Sorry wrote that on my phone so it published it loads of times :-(

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secretsanta233 · 17/12/2011 16:39

Love is a choice, you either feel you deserve this man or better. If you feel you deserve him you definitely need to fall in love with yourself again which requires a good deal of time single. No children, no brainer......leave or kick him out. This will only get worse.