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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is it abuse if he raises fists (regularly) but does not actually hit me:

98 replies

Isitrightorwrong · 15/12/2011 12:00

He says its because I make him so angry - and yes I see his point sometimes but sometimes I don't know how I pushed that button.....

I am at fault partly I guess becuase I need to talk over things alot and that seems to annoy him - he just likes to ignore issues. So, I suppose its what is called nagging.

But I feel so alone, so isolated so unable to control anything anymore. What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 15/12/2011 17:05

And you are not going to lose your kids. You are acting in their best interests.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 15/12/2011 18:16

If you own the house, you can throw him out of it. Ring the local police non-emergency number and speak to the DV office. Tell them that you own the house, that your partner is threatening to hurt you and behaving aggressively and you want him out; you will be able to get an injunction against him and the police will come round and remove him by force if necessary. You don't have to put up with this.
Don't waste time trying to get him to behave better: he won't. As far as he's concerned, you're only a 'woman' and therefore he can do what he likes with you.

pollyblue · 15/12/2011 20:04

OP, do you have a friend or family member who could be with you for support when you tell him to leave? And ideally stay with you for a while afterwards?

GoingForGoalWeight · 15/12/2011 23:29

It is aggressive, frightening, emotional and psychological abuse.

I bet your self esteem, how you feel inside yourself and how you view yourself in your mind is not good. I bet you picture a grim future but think if you do a, b, c you can change that future and Him.

This might be the pre-curser to actual physical harm.

i guess you will stay and exist in the marriage, not live

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:43

yes, you are in an abusive relationship

no, you won't lose the kids

no, you do not make him behave like this

no, you are not doing anything wrong (apart from letting him live in your house, but you can soon sort that out)

and very soon he is going to actually hit you

Original poster
Isitrightorwrong · 16/12/2011 11:37

Hi ladies

Thanks so much for your advice and comments. I have been doing a bit of googling to find out my rights. I have rung some legal advisors and no one has rung back. Typical.

Here are the basic facts.

  • Unmarried
  • We both have parental responsibility via birth certificate
  • Family is abroad (same country for both of us)
  • We live in a house that I own solely in my name. He has not paid the mortgage but has paid some interest off while living here (which is an alternative to paying rent??).

Anyway - this is what I have established from the net:

He does not have any financial right to the house and I can ask him to go. I don't feel that I need to change the locks etc, just give reasonable notice. But realise there are options if I need to force the issue.

I don't have the right to take the children back home (to family abroad) without his agreement. That is where I need to be to get intensive RL help. Plenty of friends here but that is not the same as family.

I do have the right to move elsewhere in Britian and Wales.

What I am not yet sure about is what happens with the children. How is it decided / what is taken into account so that decisions can be made about where the kids live/ visitation rights.

Am I right about this stuff so far? Is there anything else I need to consider?

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 16/12/2011 15:51

You are doing really well, OP: you are tackling the practical issues and have all the right questions.

I am not a lawyer (post in Legal, maybe?) so I won't confirm what you've found out so far. I just wanted to say that you're on the right track, and you will get the legal advice you need soon, at the rate you're going. Just keep calling those numbers/drop in on CAB/...

You're doing great.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2011 16:49

You need proper legal advice, love

Hold out for that, and stay strong x

FabbyChic · 16/12/2011 17:05

YOu will not lose your children, you might lose your marbles though if you continue to stay in this relationship. the house is yours, you can ask him to leave and he has to.

You MUST start your medication if you are to get better and not be so anxious, by prolonging it you will get worse.

You will not have a clear head until you start your meds.

FabbyChic · 16/12/2011 17:06

I doubt you could take the kids abroad until they were older. Visitation etc., is decided either between you or via a solicitor he might want 50/50 care.

ouryve · 16/12/2011 17:06

If he makes you feel scared and then blames you, it's abuse.

NettleTea · 16/12/2011 17:08

I used to look for reasons to explain my ex's behaviour - I considered he could be AS, but actually it trned out that he was just emotionally abusive, and he went on the be dv with next woman - he just didnt need to hit me because he could control me without, but he was fully capable of violence as the next gf found out.
Even if he DID have a MH problem, he has made it clear he wont get professional help, so you are doing the right thing. He probably wont make it easy for you, and I wonder whether he is deliberately messing around about accommodation because he has got it cheap where he is and the discomfort for you isnt his problem. he is probably unwilling to put his hand in his own pocket apart from the bare minimum - though may well be projecting here!
carry on getting the advice, carry on getting him out. I am wondering if your PND may miraculously dissapear when you have one less toddler in the house.

struwelpeter · 16/12/2011 17:44

If he threatens you in front of the children and threatens the children then first off talk to your GP and HV, then see if SS can help you. If you worry about his behaviour alone with the DCs then you need documentation from professionals.
Do explain all to your HV and GP - you won't be blamed, what you are doing is seeking help with is a positive point.
Good thing about the house. Can you get your family over here? Also if his family are there, and he objects to you taking DCs out of the country for a limited amount of time and it goes to court then contact with both sets of grandparents can be regarded as a benefit.

pretendhousewife · 16/12/2011 18:29

Yes I would get legal advice on going abroad. It may mean that going 'home' will be permitted as struwelpeter says, under certain circumstances. The children are still very young and they probably haven't formed important attachments here yet.

If going home is your priority it may be best to focus on selling your property. I would tell him as little about this as possible.

Original poster
Isitrightorwrong · 16/12/2011 19:06

Thanks everyone - your thoughts are making that little monkey on my back yell. I can't share too much with friends as it could come back to him. I need to BE CAREFUL. Don't rush it. Make sure I get myself into a position where I am better off than worse off then make the move. My friend said to wait until the meds kick in then take time over the decision and just play happy families in the meantime. I expect that he will cope better with things if I do t

Alone with two in a place with no relatives could be pushing my luck a bit. I hope he would not make my life that difficult but people do surprising things when emotions run high.

Spoke to a lawyer on phone and have the gist of my rights - but need to visit her to get it in writing. Visiting tricky as can't take the kids to an appointment. To be addressed.... a challenge but not impossible...

Started the meds yesterday. They make me feel ill and not interested in eating. Probably good as I have been comfort eating and I don't really need or want to get any bigger.

Thanks again everyone. Won't post over the weekend, as I need to cover my tracks...

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 16/12/2011 19:50

I continue to be impressed with how you are handling this: you are taking all sorts of positive, practical steps, thinking about what's important, and not letting yourself be deterred by the obstacles in your path. Keep at it, stay strong.

The meds may make you feel ill for the first week or so, but (IME) this will taper off and you will find yourself better able to think clearly and contain mood swings.

I am rooting for you.

iFailedTheTuringTest · 16/12/2011 20:13

Just wanted to say - you are amazing. Stay strong. Your kids will be forever grateful to you.

MrsJoeDuffy · 17/12/2011 11:13

Not Aspergers, it's abuse.

neuroticmumof3 · 17/12/2011 22:36

It sounds as if things might be starting to escalate so you should end this relationship as soon as possible. Witnessing abuse is incredibly damaging for children. You should change the locks as soon as he has left, abusive men don't tend to leave easily and you want to make sure you're safe. Can you get any RL support from Women's Aid? Some areas have outreach workers that could help you through this. You should also speak to your health visitor, she'll be able to support you.

Original poster
Isitrightorwrong · 19/12/2011 12:07

I have started the meds and I feel a little better - even if its psycosemantic. I feel calm and leaving him alone there has been peace in the house.

I am starting to wonder if I have been depressed for as much as two years. I have talked to family who have said I have been weird since the end of the first pregnancy. And lately as 'mad' as 9 out of 10.

He started off very supportive and none of this agression was there. Maybe he just can't cope with it anymore either and is having his own kind of breakdown? He is showing alot of signs of being really stressed out and over reacts to simple problems - like spillages.

Maybe I can fix this? Has anyone (after taking meds) managed to fix things by being better themselves?

I am yo-yoing between I can fix this and no I can't.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 19/12/2011 12:11

You CAN fix yourself, your own behaviour and reactions. Be the person you want to be.

You can't fix his: only he can do that.

He is abusive: it was never your fault. He chooses to be aggressive, threaten physical violence (raising fists), and then blame you for it. You have not caused this behaviour: it is under his control only.

Original poster
Isitrightorwrong · 19/12/2011 12:27

Who am I kidding...

I am getting waves of emotional pain and stress and I don't know how to fix it.

My kids are keeping me so busy. I am on the edge. I want my mummy|!!

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 19/12/2011 13:10

It's so tough, isn't it.

Unfortunately, there's no mummy you can turn to. Only yourself. It may not seem a comfort to you now, but think how amazing it is that you CAN rely on yourself like this. And you are doing so well! Just look at all the concrete steps you've already taken.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 19/12/2011 13:47

This hasn't been posted on your thread yet, OP, but have a look whether any of the links at the start of this thread can help you (it's also an excellent place to vent with those who are or have been in the position you ar e now).

They're links to help you get your head round your situation. Concrete help will come from GPs, HV, legal advisors, etc.

pretendhousewife · 20/12/2011 01:02

Hold it right there OP - there isn't any need to question your own sanity, or his for that matter. If you have been slightly out of kilter it may just as likely be because of the pressure he is putting you under.

Try imagining yourself raising your fist at someone. It is a simple action but I don't think you realise how serious it is. When you try it, you will find it doesn't feel comfortable. It's not something that is in your nature. And it shouldn't be in anyone's nature.

He isn't crazy - he has control over his actions. A crazy person would just hit. He is making a choice to raise his fist at you. Every family has a lot of stresses, but it's how we deal with them that counts.

If you think this can be fixed, it certainly won't be fixed while you are within arms length of him. You want your Mummy - go to her. If she knows what you are going through she will be desperate to help you. Don't worry about the legalities - dress it up as a holiday. I think you will feel more secure and stronger with family to support you.

Be careful, make up a good story, get everything ready and just go. Womens Aid have a list of things you should have ready.

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