is it abuse if he raises fists (regularly) but does not actually hit me:

[Isitrightorwrong]

He says its because I make him so angry - and yes I see his point sometimes but sometimes I don't know how I pushed that button.....

I am at fault partly I guess becuase I need to talk over things alot and that seems to annoy him - he just likes to ignore issues. So, I suppose its what is called nagging.

But I feel so alone, so isolated so unable to control anything anymore. What am I doing wrong?

Dear Pretendhousewife.

I hope you don't mine me PM-ing you?

I am really questioning things now. I spoke with him about the fists thing and explained that I find it unacceptable! He explained that it was not like that at all. He was just so frustrated (the day he came up to my face with his face and fists beside his face) with the circumstances that he was simply clenching them in frustration.

Other times he has jumped up from lying down and slammed his fists into the bed or slammed his fists into something (like the table).

Am I right to feel this is abnormal? No other partners have done this but then no others have had to deal with a depressed nagging me (and I am really high maintenance).

What is your history - have you had a partner do bad things too?

xx

Hi Isitirightorwrong, I have been following you thread and in response to your last post, it is wrong to do that, very wrong. When he does that he is threatening you that he might just take it further, he will one day, without doubt. He is explaining it away to you as nothing, just frustration, of course he will say that, I would wager that he is very unhappy at you questioning his actions at all.
Why are you so high maintenance? If you are depressed he should be supporting you not frightening you.

Something else I would like to mention which in hindsight is something that happened to me. There have been studies (so I have read) that show that many women in abusive relationships end up with PND after they have a baby, in hindsight this is what I truly believe caused my own PND.

If you end this relationship I believe that you will feel much more relaxed as a person, not treading on eggshells waiting for the next time you 'nag' him into balling his fists at you.

I know how hard t is with 2 little ones but I honestly believe that the relationship you have with him is making it all the harder on you.

You are right to find his behaviour abnormal and unacceptable, OP.

His minimisation is bullshit: trust your gut.

Please read the Lundy Bancroft book: it will answer a lot of your self-doubt.

I think I am trying to find a way of making this okay. Of making this 'family' the family I always wanted. I feel bad that I have got into this situation.

The tablets I am on are making me faint (three times so far). I can feel myself going but I just end up on the floor staring at whatever for a minute or two. I know its the tablets as its in the list of side effects. I don't need to ask the doctor if I should stop them, its a no brainer. Have made an appontment for later this week to see what else I can get. Otherwise we are on to the 'exercise' route to get the good feelings back.

Caterinea1971, how did you heal your PND? I am high maintenance becasue I stress about things constantly. Always have. Its passed on from my mother.

I am not sure what way to turn now. Get through Xmas and take it from there?

It took a couple of years to feel more like myself, but if I am truly honest I was still in a state of mild depression until I left him when our dd was 8. :(

You feel isolated. alone and out of control because you are being controlled by an emotionally abusive partner who also threatens you with physical violence. This is a very unhealthy relationship for you and surely to goodness all you can do to help yourself here is to leave him.

I feel isolated because I have no family around either and don't want to bother my friends. I have run three people planning to spill then end up listening to their issues. Everyone has issues at this silly season time of year. I just have not felt they can take anymore issues given theirs.

But, on the other hand my fight for this relationship and the long term planning I was trying to agree went up in smoke the moment he came at me expressing 'frustration'.

I almost feel I need to hold my horses and plan a clever ending.

A clever ending is exactly what you need to plan OP for the sake of you and your children. Get some good advice and be strong.

IME, your friends will be happy that you have confided in them - and shocked that you kept this to yourself for so long - and will be happy to help you if you can tell them precisely what you would like from them (even if it's only: "Just hear me out, I need to talk")

If my friends didn't confide in me about this I would feel bad that I hadn't been able to help - don't be scared to stop your friends rattling on about their own stuff to say that there is big stuff going on in your life.

OP there are a lot of people on here, particularly on the emotional abuse thread that have far more experience than me. I have experience and lots of training in family support and parenting so I understand the issues around DV on that level.
I'll pm you anyway.

The technique of saying the words he says, or re-enacting the things he does, enables you to see that this behaviour isn't right. Also, it is helpful to consider alternatives of what you would like to hear instead of his angry response - how you, or a person who has respect for you, would have answered. So instead of "why is the fucking teatowel on the floor?" for instance, a normal person would say "oh dear, the teatowel's on the floor, let me get it."

But raising a fist and punching things is threatening behaviour, and textbook emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is domestic violence in the eyes of the law. If this is happening in front of the children it is a form of child abuse.

Whatever you are doing/stressing about, he should be trying to help you feel better, not getting angry at you. Regarding mental health, I personally believe that you can't sort your head out while you're with someone that's such a strong negative influence on the way you behave.

What is it about your mother that makes you stress about things - is it something you can address? Although I advised you earlier to go to her, it may be the last thing you should do if she also has issues.

Sorry to keep going on.

I know you've all told me I need to get out of this but out of it I would be in financial trouble and all the fears about how would I cope witrh two kids on my own. trapped.

I am even lower now that the meds that made me faint have worn off. Doctor available tomorrow for something else. Guilt about giving up breastfeeing coming in to the picture here too.

I sometimes feel that if I don't get out of this depression soon I'll do something more drastic. I only don't now cos I need to look after the kids.

Speak to your GP : it's normal to feel shite for up to 2 weeks while the ADs build up in your body; the shite feelings should wear off though and leave you feeling more stable.

And speak to WA re: finances.

You won't be able to do much while depressed, so do anything you can that will make you feel more stable (talking to friends, treating yourself, etc).

It will get better, OP. The terrible dark of depression will eventually go away and be replaced by the real you. Hang in there - you are a unique and wonderful person with a lot to give and to enjoy.

Oh crap - I just got the results of my smear. Borderline changes. Review in 6 months. What next?

Well it's all going on for you now isn't it? If the docs advised a review in 6 months the smear results can't be too much to worry about. Try not to - try to focus on leaving your abuser.

My guess from what you've said so far is that your depression is a result of the pressure you are under from your relationship. Listen to Puppy, and others on the EA thread, who have been there, got out and have moved on.

Why do you feel guilt about coming off breastfeeding by the way - would the BF thread help with this?

Hi this is not acceptable hes using his fists to scare & control you hun, Ive just ended my 9 month marriage as he was like this if we werent getting on over tiny things I would want to discuss it calmly but each time he would say im.arguing and turn it into an argument that woukd go on for hours then give me the cold shoulder and punish me in bed with no intemacy He would make ex uses say hes tired. The arguments would sometines be 3x week and they would tire me down he would always say its my fault and leave me worn out confused and very tearful. I had to call the police to get him to leave best thing I did this is my 2nd marriage and my 1st was dv mentally.
Stay strong abusers never change.

Abusers arent abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive.

Get out now and run for the hills!

As for the feeling depressed ect, you will feel a lot better once you've got free of him and taken some time to yourself. Once you can hear your own thoughts again instead of what he wants you to think and feel about yourself.

Please pm me if you need to. At the end of last year I separated from the abusive ass who is my husband and father of my children. To my shame, we were together for over 20 years.I am furious on your behalf (as always, it is so clear when it is happening to someone else!). I have 3 kids, 2 of whom not yet in school. I also live in a different country to my family and I have been in your position.

This thread is 9 years old!!!

zombie

I have also had pnd with all 3 children, with no help or support from my 'partner', only criticism and belittling. When I asked mine to leave, he was definitely escalating with the slamming things around/pushing me aside etc. and I felt about an inch away from a nervous breakdown. I chose to do everything I needed to do so I could be there for my kids.

Bollocks!