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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is it abuse if he raises fists (regularly) but does not actually hit me:

98 replies

Isitrightorwrong · 15/12/2011 12:00

He says its because I make him so angry - and yes I see his point sometimes but sometimes I don't know how I pushed that button.....

I am at fault partly I guess becuase I need to talk over things alot and that seems to annoy him - he just likes to ignore issues. So, I suppose its what is called nagging.

But I feel so alone, so isolated so unable to control anything anymore. What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:

pollyblue · 15/12/2011 12:03

he's threatening you, to keep you quiet and stop you 'nagging' (God I hate that word.)

You want to discuss things with him, so it's partly your fault? No No No. How he reacts to you is entirely up to him. Would he raise his fists to his boss/mother/cashier in Tesco............?

He sounds awful. Why are you with someone who uses the threat of violence to control you?

FellatioNelson · 15/12/2011 12:03

Yes. It is emotional and psychological abuse.

malinkey · 15/12/2011 12:03

Yes, it is abuse.

Prolesworth · 15/12/2011 12:04

Yes it is abuse. Needing to talk about things is no justification for threatening behaviour. You aren't doing anything wrong: he is.

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 15/12/2011 12:06

Yes, he's a bullying prick.

TeamDamon · 15/12/2011 12:06

I think pollyblue has hit the nail on the head - if he was unhappy with the way anyone else spoke to him, would he raise his fists to them? He does it to you because he feels he has the right to threaten and control you in a way which he knows is totally unacceptable (and why he doesn't do it to anyone else) - it is psychological abuse.

malinkey · 15/12/2011 12:07

Oh, and you're not the one who is doing something wrong, he is.

Bohica · 15/12/2011 12:08

It's very much abusive and in no way your fault that he is unable to control his own actions.

Do you have DC?

Spuddybean · 15/12/2011 12:15

have to agree with everyone else it is awful and frightening abuse.

my father often held his fist up to my mum and through gritted teeth threatened violence in front of me. i would be so terrified i would cry, but then that made them both angry with me as i was being a baby because no one had 'actually been hit'. i soon learned not to show i was frightened and had to pretend to be happy (i sinisterly remember fake smiling and watching the telly while inside my heart was thumping and i was trying not to wet myself)

I now find the threat of violence much worse than seeing real violence. it was always a sword of damocles.

incidentally my mum wouldn't describe dad as violent, despite constant threats, shoving and smashing things - because he never actually punched us

santastooearlymustdache · 15/12/2011 12:16

my exH used to raise his fist, said that should have been enough to make me see who was boss.

this is what YOUR OH is doing too.
he doesn't 'like to ignore things' it's laziness and lack of respect for your opinion.
dress it up however, this is what is happening.

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/12/2011 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ephiny · 15/12/2011 12:21

It's never appropriate to threaten someone with violence for 'wanting to talk things over' - surely you can see that.

Not sure it's helpful to argue over precise definitions of 'abuse', but absolutely his behaviour is wrong and you shouldn't have to put up with that, least of all in your own home. It's not your fault, he's responsible for his own behaviour.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 15/12/2011 12:27

Absolutely abuse. He is threatening violence to "keep you in line" i.e. doing what he wants, and to scare you off trying to raise anything you are unhappy about.

You are not doing anything wrong. HE is. He is threatening, isolating and controlling you.

FlappyBaps · 15/12/2011 12:30

It is assault to threaten someone like this (under criminal law you don't have to touch someone to assault them): so you are not imagining things and you are NOT doing anything wrong.

BearWith · 15/12/2011 12:31

Yes it's abuse. Read the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that?' and all will be revealed.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 12:32

Yes. It is an attempt to control through fear and intimidation.

You will always wonder if this time will be the time that he doesn't stop at the threat.

It creates such fear and anxiety. It is very cruel.

Redrubyblues · 15/12/2011 12:36

If he did punch you would you say you walked into his fist? No - so why blame yourself for his threatening behaviour.

Does he raise his fist at other people who 'upset' him? I bet he doesn't.

BamBam21 · 15/12/2011 12:41

Yes, it is abuse.

If I "nagged" or "wound up" my exH, he would storm around the house, shouting, throwing things, punching walls and doors etc. It was, and was intended to be, very intimidating. The last straw came when he told me to shut up or he would "put me through a wall". He never actually hit me, but I still consider it to have been an abusive relationship, and I also believe that things would have escalated had I stayed with him. I would also add that he would do all of this in front of DS, who was only 3 at the time. My confidence was utterly shot by that man, and it was only once I had left with DS and stayed with my mum for a while that I realised how on edge I was all the time.

Please don't put up with this. It is NOT your fault.

Redrubyblues · 15/12/2011 12:42

How long has he been doing this?

Original poster

Isitrightorwrong · 15/12/2011 12:46

Thanks so much for your messages.

I have just spoken to a friend about this who knows him. We went through what can lead to this fists stuff and a couple of extra points came out.

I have PND and have not started the medication yet - lost the prescription. Trying to get a replacement
I am probably not rational with PND and he does not know how to cope with my anxiety. I do go on and on and on and he tells me to leave it and come back to it but I get so anxious. This does not help.
He does resolve small issues (eg is something is broken or needs to be purchased)
Its the big issues that don't get discussed or resolved and those are the ones that worry me and I go on about.

If I did not have two under two LOs then would I be so irrational and would I find it easier to tell him to leave?

OP posts:

singingprincess · 15/12/2011 12:47

Yes it is abuse. Yes it is wrong, very, very wrong.

Check the resources at the top of "relationships", and at the top of the "emotional abuse" thread.

You deserve WAY better than this.

singingprincess · 15/12/2011 12:49

Are you irrational? Really?

What on earth could ever be so irrational that it requires him to raise his fists? Does he do it to the milkman if he gets something wrong, or the checkout person at the petrol station? No, he reserves it for you.....No wonder you are depressed.

Original poster

Isitrightorwrong · 15/12/2011 12:51

Red RubyIts been getting more on since I got all emotional and irrational at the end of the pregnancy and since having baby number two (now age 3 months). Other baby is still under two. It happened before that too but during disagreements... occassionally.

Bambam - so sorry that happened. Thank you for sharing that with me, as its puts a future on my kids that I so don't want that for my LOs.

Is it best to try to manage this down and stay or get out before it gets too deep.

OP posts:

becstarsky · 15/12/2011 12:52

It's never easy to leave an abusive relationship. (It is abuse, by the way).

What do you mean 'he does resolve small issues' - do you think that somehow excuses him raising his fist to you? Do you believe that you are telling us that he's actually not really so bad? Honestly, I don't care how much DIY he's done, that doesn't make threatening violence okay. And I don't care how much you 'go on and on' it's still not okay.

What big issues aren't being discussed or resolved?

malinkey · 15/12/2011 12:56

What is it that he says you go on an on about? What are you irrational about or is this what he accuses you of?

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