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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

More troubles

89 replies

skettle · 09/01/2006 23:16

I know Ive posted many a whinge about my DP but this one is different... this time its not about the money etc...its about whether we would actually work as a couple. Here are a list of the things that went wrong last weekend, please tell me if its just a 'man' thing of if I have a point.

(For those that dont know, we dont live together, he comes to stay with me and my two boys once a fortnight...usually with no money).

First off, he came down with £16...he had earlier told me that he had £160 to last him the next 3 weeks.... that includes paying his credit card bill at £100. When he gets here he buys a jacket for £60 (he "needs one") and two DVD's...last week when he was here he bought a designer top in the sales and this weekend he spilt grease down it and wrecked it...he then wanted to go back and buy the same top again but had no money... I was going to offer to lend him the money so he could get it whilst it was still in the sale but I thought why should I? He's spent all his money on luxuries...I havnt spent anything on myself (in favour of paying bills and treating the kids), surely he has to learn that if he spends all his money he doesnt get any more treats?? but then he DID buy me a top in the sales a couple of weeks ago so was I being mean not lending him the money?

Secondly he's starting to get a bit 'above his stations' regarding my kids, he's decided that they need a 'crack' now and again (I dont smack) and has even slipt into doing it himself...not often but increasingly IYSWIM...He even started "squaring up" to my 4 year old when he was in a strop and throwing things, he actually stood there saying "come on then..." squaring up to him! am I alone in thinking this is wrong?

Thirdly, the week after christmas the roads were terrible...snow and ice and weather warnings saying not to use your car unless you had to...BUT DP came down and demanded that I drive us all to the city centre...I said I wasnt confident doing so (as he knows) so he went in a huge strop until I gave in, should I have been pissed off? I was...but then was I being a drama queen not driving in the snow to start with?

Fourthly...he comments on every woman that comes on TV and has even started doing it with women in the street..."did you see her nipples?" "her legs are gorgeous!" "You could tell she was cold by looking at her chest" "If her skirt was any shorter I would've swore she didnt have one on..."... at first I could cope but now Im getting sick of it, he talks to me like Im a bloke...its as if he wants my opinion on the girls he goes on and on about, is he being insensitive or am I just a prude?

Thats it for now....I will probably think of more probs later!

TIA

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 09/01/2006 23:18

For the love of all things holy, Skettle, DUMP HIM NOW!

He's a toerag. What you see in him, I will never understand. He is a lowlife loser. GET RID!

As for him hitting your children/squaring up to a four-year-old - how can you feel anything for a man who does that?! FGS, just get him out of your life. Work as a couple? Not unless you enjoy dating a two-year-old.

hunkermunker · 09/01/2006 23:19

He's using you for sex, cash and a break from his mother. Please get him out of your life - you deserve better.

sobernow · 09/01/2006 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/01/2006 23:22

Have read posts from you about this in recent weeks.

I honestly think you are backing a loser here hun.

If for nothing else, the fact he thinks its okay to square up to a four year old.

He's taking you for a ride. Maybe not consciously but he seems very immature and i guess, a mummys boy, for want of a better description.

Agree with Hinker - get rid.

Original poster

skettle · 09/01/2006 23:25

Hunkermunker, something is telling me you (and many others who have said the same thing) are right but I cant help feeling that Im being a bitch god I wish I could toughen up.

He ignores me when he's watching TV...I can ask him a question and he'll just blank me. He controls the TV putting men and motors on whenever he feels like it and even putting a jeremy clarkson DVD on when the kids were home getting bored... he doesnt even ask.. just flicks the tv over whenever he feels like it and me and the boys are sat bored watching car program after car program.

He's even started taking the mick out of my house, making out that I dont tidy up enough etc...yesterday I asked him to do one thing for me and that was to have a look at my computer speakers as one keeps switching off and I think its the wiring (he wires radio's for a living)...he wouldnt even do that just said "nah it will be ok..." without even listening to what I was trying to tell him.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 09/01/2006 23:26

Skettle - he's not behaving like a partner, he's behaving like another child.

hunkermunker · 09/01/2006 23:26

Skettle, I realise I may have sounded harsh in my posts - I really don't mean to be, but I am positive this boy (can't call him a man) is using you. PLEASE, you can do so much better, sweetheart.

mummytosteven · 09/01/2006 23:27

Skettle - so what if you are being a bitch? A wise woman once said that people called her a bitch if she behaved any differently from a doormat.

hunkermunker · 09/01/2006 23:28

Crossed posts - I may have been positive before, but I'm even more so now (not possible, but you know what I mean!).

When are you seeing him next? I'd be tempted to text him and tell him that it's not convenient. Heck, he shows you no courtesy, why should you do anything other than the bare minimum to get rid of him? But you have to get rid, honestly.

You could never leave the children with him while you went out, for instance, could you?

Dropinthe · 09/01/2006 23:28

Sorry to be harsh, but did you watch Corrie tonight?????

peckarollover · 09/01/2006 23:29

Squaring up to a four year old and hitting your kids when a) that is not how you discipline them b) he hasnt discussed it with you first c) he doesnt even live with the children or have a real role in their lives yet is absolutely unforgiveable.

I'd find it hard to love someone who was capable of that.

The rest of is all very annoying and I dont think your overracting but when it comes down to your kids FULL STOP tell him to fuck off

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/01/2006 23:33

Skettle, you would not be a bitch to get rid of this boy. He's treating you and your family badly. Getting rid of him could be the best thing you could do for your kids this year - not a bitchy thing at all.

Agree - keep "postponing" future visits and hope he gets the message.

hunkermunker · 09/01/2006 23:34

Skettle, what do your children think of this boy? Please don't keep him in their lives - THAT would be bitchy. At the moment, you're putting him above them, and that's not fair.

God, that sounds harsh, but I have to post it

Original poster

skettle · 09/01/2006 23:36

Dropinthe....Corrie? no why? lol

He's also always going on about how badly behaved they are, says he doesnt see anyone elses kids acting like mine ect, its really starting to get me down. Its confusing because 80% of the time he's great but other times....

He went off in a mood because neither me nor the kids wanted to have a burger king meal in town AFTER we had just eaten our dinner at home. He goes off in a strop over every little thing and even insinuated that it was my fault he always spends all of his money. He went to tesco to buy some stain remover and cloths to treat his shirt (with the grease stains) and at the till looked at me when the cashier asked for the money!! when I didnt get my card out he paid and then said later he had no money due to having to buy the shopping but it was for him!! why should I have to buy it?? Im not his mother. He tried to pay his credit card over the phone when we got home and it was declined meaning he had left himself short of bill money

OP posts:

soapbox · 09/01/2006 23:37

Skettle - I'm at a complete loss as to what more you want anyone on here to say.

Every time you post about your arseyP, we tell you he's an arse and advise you to get rid of him.

Nothing changes, nor will it until YOU make a decision to get rid of him.

What is stopping you. For the life of me I cannot see one commendable thing about your arseyP. Why on earth would you want scum like him in your life!

But my opinions, or anyone elses on here, matter not a whit. YOU and only YOU can make this decision!

I hope for your children's sake you are mature enough to make the right one. I'm afraid to say, that I'm not sure that you are

Tortington · 09/01/2006 23:39

he's a cnt skettle and we both know it. quite frankly if you dont fck him off for good this very week, your a piss poor person. fcking you about is one thing... i thought he was a cnt then, but f*cking up your kids is somthing you are complicit in. you are allowing this to happen and its your fault.

i don't apologise for being blunt. i cannot give sympathy

Dropinthe · 09/01/2006 23:42

I trust Custy opinions-she's a strong woman with her own mind. Enough said!!!

hunkermunker · 09/01/2006 23:44

80% of the time he's all right?! Don't think so, from what you post - you've barely said a nice thing about him.

If this was a friend of yours who was being treated like this, what would you say?

Just get rid of him. Before he moves in and it gets MUCH harder.

Kathlean · 09/01/2006 23:44

Well done Custardo. I was trying to find a way to say it nicely but I agree with everything you have just said.

ravenfern · 10/01/2006 01:28

Hi Skettle, i have read some of your other posts and to be honest it seems to me that there is no gift worth the stuff you are putting up with.
I read your first post on this thread to my other half and he said "just what are his redeeming features" do you know or are there things that seem like good points that are just better than the worst, IYSWIM.
He doesn't sound mature enough to have a relationship of the grown up kind he wants you to act like his mother,house keeper and if he feels like it lover,what about partner,friend,equal?
He obviously he knows nothing about child rearing but you do and you know the way hes treating your kids is wrong.
It seems the longer you are together the worse it gets,do you really in your heart of hearts see him changing? because if you don't then would you be happy going on this way?
You need to realize that you are a strong person,strong enough to bring up your two boys,god i find my three hard going some times and i have a supportive partner and live at home with my family so i have no idea how you do it.
You say are you right or is he, do you doubt your judgement on other things or just where he is concerned, is he the one making you doubt yourself.
I don't know you but from your posts i feel like you deserve so much more then you are getting, i hope one way or another you find it.

eidsvold · 10/01/2006 05:35

i agree with custy - he is a toad and he needs to hit the road... he is a user and a leech and a bully...... boot him to the curb!!

MeerkatsUnite · 10/01/2006 07:12

Skettle,

If a friend told you this what would you say to her?. Probably something along the lines of, "wake up luv!!".

Have you really got the word doormat tattooed on your forehead?. If its not there physically its certainly there mentally.

What is it with you - what is going on in that brain of yours?.

Time and time again you have posted about your frankly shite partner only to be told to ditch the loser!. The Court of Mumsnet have been unanimous in this regard.

For whatever reasons (and I'm sure these are deeply rooted and mixed up with a low sense of self esteem/self worth of your part - you have touched on this in previous posts) you have not ditched him.

Perhaps you feel that you can change him if you expose him long enough to what goes on in your house. Sorry but that's such a BIG MISTAKE on your part. You cannot rescue him either.

I would really like to know why you continue to put up with this behaviour. Bad enough for you to suffer as you have done at his hands but your children are now on the receiving end of crap from him. That alone should be enough for you to say to him, "that's it its over". If you let him continue you are complicit in this behaviour and are putting his needs and wants above those of your kids. He has succeeded in bullying your children as well as yourself.

TBH you need counselling to determine why it is exactly that you are putting up with such rubbish behaviour.

MeerkatsUnite · 10/01/2006 07:15

Custardo's post is something I entirely agree with.

You ARE allowing this to happen, you have become his enabler just like his Mum.

What will it take for you exactly to ditch him?. When he actually lays a hand against your children or yourself?

MeerkatsUnite · 10/01/2006 07:22

Skettle

He cannot and should not hit your children!. By letting him do this you are complicit, your children will become emotionally scarred by him if you let him continue to be in your lives.

You are not a bitch if you ditch him.

You cannot toughen up because you will not let yourself do so. You are a strong person really but he has taken so much away from you and as a result you are now doubting your own judgment.

Your sense of self worth was low to start with; it has now become even lower with this man in your life.

You need some sort of relationship counselling to work out exactly why it is you have previously chosen and still continue to pick partners who are wholly unsuitable.

ggglimpopo · 10/01/2006 08:26

Message withdrawn

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