More troubles

[skettle]

I know Ive posted many a whinge about my DP but this one is different... this time its not about the money etc...its about whether we would actually work as a couple. Here are a list of the things that went wrong last weekend, please tell me if its just a 'man' thing of if I have a point.

(For those that dont know, we dont live together, he comes to stay with me and my two boys once a fortnight...usually with no money).

First off, he came down with £16...he had earlier told me that he had £160 to last him the next 3 weeks.... that includes paying his credit card bill at £100. When he gets here he buys a jacket for £60 (he "needs one") and two DVD's...last week when he was here he bought a designer top in the sales and this weekend he spilt grease down it and wrecked it...he then wanted to go back and buy the same top again but had no money... I was going to offer to lend him the money so he could get it whilst it was still in the sale but I thought why should I? He's spent all his money on luxuries...I havnt spent anything on myself (in favour of paying bills and treating the kids), surely he has to learn that if he spends all his money he doesnt get any more treats?? but then he DID buy me a top in the sales a couple of weeks ago so was I being mean not lending him the money?

Secondly he's starting to get a bit 'above his stations' regarding my kids, he's decided that they need a 'crack' now and again (I dont smack) and has even slipt into doing it himself...not often but increasingly IYSWIM...He even started "squaring up" to my 4 year old when he was in a strop and throwing things, he actually stood there saying "come on then..." squaring up to him! am I alone in thinking this is wrong?

Thirdly, the week after christmas the roads were terrible...snow and ice and weather warnings saying not to use your car unless you had to...BUT DP came down and demanded that I drive us all to the city centre...I said I wasnt confident doing so (as he knows) so he went in a huge strop until I gave in, should I have been pissed off? I was...but then was I being a drama queen not driving in the snow to start with?

Fourthly...he comments on every woman that comes on TV and has even started doing it with women in the street..."did you see her nipples?" "her legs are gorgeous!" "You could tell she was cold by looking at her chest" "If her skirt was any shorter I would've swore she didnt have one on..."... at first I could cope but now Im getting sick of it, he talks to me like Im a bloke...its as if he wants my opinion on the girls he goes on and on about, is he being insensitive or am I just a prude?

Thats it for now....I will probably think of more probs later!

TIA

I have just read the bit about hitting your kids. Get rid of him now! My sil partner started like this and ended up battering and torturing my dn to within an inch of his life, her too. Im not saying you would let this happen but these situations quickly get out of control!

Message withdrawn

So, he dosn't live with you, dosn't contribute to the household in any way - money, chores or emotionally, but feels he can discipline your children as he likes, comments on your standards of cleanliness and ignores you most of the time, especially on the odd occasion you ask for help. He makes disparaging and offensive remarks about other women in your and presumably your childrens earshot, potentially endangers you and your childrens wellbeing by demanding to be driven into town in the snow (I do not risk driving in snow fullstop and would never with my DD in the car).

But, on the plus side....what?? This w*nker has no redeeming features at all. You are at the top of a slippery slope of controlling behaviour. You must have read the other threads on here, you must be able to get a bit of objective on this. He will not get nicer, EVER. He will become more abusive - mentally or verbally. The signs are there - the remarks about other women will eat away at your self esteem, the fact that he can comment on how tidy your house is without living there - does he tidy up after himself when he comes to stay??? Thought not. The most worrying of all is his attitude to your children. I swear to God if another adult lifted a finger against my child - even DH, I would kill them. As others have said before, by allowing him to do this, you are complicit. When will you react??? When he next squares up to your 4yo (FGS!) and goes a bit to far, draws blood, hospitalises him??? This man is evil and is already effecting your judgement. He will insinuate himself into your household, make you question yourself and how you do things, put you into debt, suck the life out of you.

I would rather be on my own and die and old maid than allow this tosser to set foot in my house again. Get rid now!!

So, he dosn't live with you, dosn't contribute to the household in any way - money, chores or emotionally, but feels he can discipline your children as he likes, comments on your standards of cleanliness and ignores you most of the time, especially on the odd occasion you ask for help. He makes disparaging and offensive remarks about other women in your and presumably your childrens earshot, potentially endangers you and your childrens wellbeing by demanding to be driven into town in the snow (I do not risk driving in snow fullstop and would never with my DD in the car).

But, on the plus side....what?? This w*nker has no redeeming features at all. You are at the top of a slippery slope of controlling behaviour. You must have read the other threads on here, you must be able to get a bit of objective on this. He will not get nicer, EVER. He will become more abusive - mentally or verbally. The signs are there - the remarks about other women will eat away at your self esteem, the fact that he can comment on how tidy your house is without living there - does he tidy up after himself when he comes to stay??? Thought not. The most worrying of all is his attitude to your children. I swear to God if another adult lifted a finger against my child - even DH, I would kill them. As others have said before, by allowing him to do this, you are complicit. When will you react??? When he next squares up to your 4yo (FGS!) and goes a bit to far, draws blood, hospitalises him??? This man is evil and is already effecting your judgement. He will insinuate himself into your household, make you question yourself and how you do things, put you into debt, suck the life out of you.

I would rather be on my own and die and old maid than allow this tosser to set foot in my house again. Get rid now!!

oops

Oh Skettle I'm with HunkerMunker on this he sounds really awful. I think the bit that raised my heckles more than anything was the comment about him squaring up to your 4 year FFS! You have told him you don't want to smack your children and he does? Frankly this would make me consider leaving my husband let alone a so called partner who "visits" once every two weeks.

You are not a drama queen and obviously deserve alot better.

Well said Boots.

Skettle, you can do better . He is a loser. Surely you woudl be happer withut him. And richer.

I agree with the girls.

And in time, you WILL meet someone who loves you and your children.

Think of them, if not of yourself

How much worse does he have to get?
He's a spoilt selfish bully and will not change, his behaviour will only escalate and sooner or later one of your kids will be badly hurt, or even killed. Just think of all the news stories of brutally beaten kids - it's always the boyfriend.
Get rid of him.

OK - the point of your post was would we work as a couple..... Not a chance in hell. Is it a man thing - possibly for one particular type of controlling, weak, nasty arse. Do you have a point - yes. So my question is - why the hell are you posting on here, moaning about the antics of this waste of space and not kicking him into touch and getting on with your life????

I don't normally post on these relationship type threads, but FGS woman, get your act together. You can see it, you know the answer, but you choose to ignore and ummm and aahhhh and say look what he has done now!!! The sympathy vote only goes so far and then you have to take responsibility for what is going on.

The sex must be really good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It can be the only reason that you would ever ever ever consider staying with someone like that.
You are not dependant on him for anything.
You live alone
You are financially independant
Any money you spend on him could be spent on your children
Fancy ruining your childrens lives just because you can't get your backside in gear to get rid of him. Poor kids.
My DS is 4 and if someone acted like that towards him then he would be petrified.

All I can say again is poor, unfortunate little children to have sucha weak mother.
Be strong and sort it out. TODAY

imho, if anyone decided my kids needed a 'crack' sometimes they would very quickly be shown the door quite possibly with my pointy toed shoe up their bum.

Hi, Skettle. I'd like to offer a considered man's point of view, if I may.

From what you've said, he's an arsehole and you are entirely reasonable. If I behaved like that, I'd expect to be shown the door immediately.

The mere fact that he feels he can give your children a "crack", is reason enough in my view.

at the man! (not happydaddy) grrrrr

Agree with everyone else, you have to tell this guy where to go. Is this really the type of person you want as a role model around your kids? I can understand its easy to say and you probably dont want to be on your own but from the sounds of things he doesnt contribute anything positive in your life and you will soon realise this when he is out of it completely. Please dont let your kids grow up with this man - they deserve better!

Skettle - you have answered all your own qusetions.

If you can't now 'toughen up', as you say, when someone is HITTING YOUR CHILDREN when will you 'toughen up'.

If this continues he will certainly start hitting your children more and more.

Why do you let him abuse you and the children like this, believe everything he says, but NOT believe a wide cross-section of women, and men, who say you are not in the wrong, he is?

But as others have said, if you stand by wringing your hands going 'oooh, am I a bitch, am I a bitch?' while this man hands out 'cracks' to your small children, then, YES, you are in the wrong.

I REALLY hope you take our advice this time. You are capable of being a good mum, you previously descriv=bed how careful you are with money, to make sure your kids are well cared for.
Be a good Mum. Don't force them to have any contact with a man who hits them, hits them against your own strongly held wishes.

Skettle, treat yourself and your little boys to an emotional "Spring Clean" and DUMP HIM, over the phone or however you want.
Then take your children out for a treat - maybe a run in the park with a cheap new football or kite, before coming home and making a pizza together, something nice and homely.
You will feel good watching your happy children having innocent fun together.
Your so called partner doesn't belong in this scene at all.

Skettle, I wonder how you expect a man in your life to behave? By all accounts this man is no good .... no good for you, no good for your children. And yet for some reason you are feeling guilty or a bitch or whatever that you are thinking about giving him the much needed boot. I don't know if this is too personal a question, but what was your family life like when you were a child? How did your father behave? Or uncles? Is it something about them that makes you think on some level that this behaviour is anything other than completely unacceptable? Please get rid of him, I can't bear to think of your children growing up thinking that this kind of behaviour is in any way acceptable....

Skettle, if this was yet another post about the money that in itself would be bad enough.

Now you're telling us he smacks your kids and you are asking us if we think that's wrong ???!!!

You know it's wrong. For God's sake, have a bit of gumption and DUMP the bastard for your kid's sakes, if not your own. If he feels free to do this now, how will he behave if you ever let him move in ?

There is so much wrong in what you keep telling us.

Yes - emphasis on keep ...... which post number is this ? 3 or 4 ? ..... and they're all the same.

What have you got to lose ? Wake up, you have so much to gain by dumping this bullying selfish irresponsible leeching bastard.

DO IT NOW

How will you feel if he injures one of your children ?

Sorry to be blunt but I don't get the "I don't want to be alone" argument in scenarios like this. So, you want to have your children bullied / struck /scared in their own home, you want to be belittled, used, leeched off. How can you possibly look forward to this man's visits ? They sound impossibly stressful - and not just for you.

What have your kids done to deserve this ?

You are NOT a bitch ....... but you must have extraordinarily low self esteem to let this bastard keep treating you like this over and over, and I know I keep repeating myself, but it's not just you, it's your children too.

If you let this situation continue, you must also share some of the responsibility if anything happens to your children, or at best, if they become withdrawn and frightened. Is that really what you want for them ? ..... of course not.

Having low self-esteem isn't a crime, but standing by while your kids are terrorised is.

There are 1001 other fish in the sea if that is really what you are worried about, and if you have to go through an unknown length of time where you are single in order to protect your kids then so what ? I've been unwillingly single at various times, and would rather have had someone, but not at any cost - and particularly not at cost to my children.

Dumping someone, and facing up to possible future periods of loneliness is never pleasant but I really can't see there is any alternative. That is the start of you "toughening up". Do it for your kids.

I do feel for you because I think it's disgusting how this so called "man" is treating you but I am also beginning to lose sympathy when you KNOW how he behaves is wrong yet continue to come here, listing all his gross faults, yet somehow - it seems to me - are still hoping that someone here will give you a tiny bit of justification for continuing this.

I have every sympathy for your kids but none for someone who'd expose them to stuff like this for what, at the end of the day, are their own selfish reasons ......... and God knows what they must be because the way you yourself describe him makes him sound like scum.

You really need to get a grip here and do what you know is right.

catsmother - you have said what everyone else thinks. I can understand this not wanting to be alone but in this case there would more likely than not be a terrible price to pay when one of the children gets hurt, and it sounds as though that is more or less inevitable if she keeps seeing the git. that people would put someone like this before their children

he sounds like a arse. get rid.

what on earth does he bring into the relationship.

...and if any bloke laid one hand on either of my two boys- he would be living off liquids for the rest of his life.

I would never let anyone hit my kids. I would be repulsed by anyone who dealt with them as your P does. Do you think he is still in your life because you are lonely and you think he is better than nothing? If that is the case then he will never make you happy. You have to look out for your kids, you have to defend and protect them. I really think you should get rid of him, in fact you should have done it ages ago.

Dump him! Reading your posts has sent shivers down my spine. He sounds exactly like my mother's w*nker of a dp. The only difference was that she let him move in and make our lives hell. I hate to think of your children going through what I did. Please get rid of him.