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Original poster

Porn. How do you honestly feel about it?

315 replies

Biggem · 13/12/2011 14:20

I mean we all know men are going to look whether we like it or not.
But, I want (need) to know how other women feel about it, and I'm to scared to ask my friends incase I turn out to be the only one who has issues with it.

Any porn is fine, or is it when they start going on the live things (internet, not the shows in amsterdam) that it would bother you? Or aslong as ur still getting it u don't care it's only when they'd rather watch it than come and bump uglies with u!)

OP posts:
RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 13/12/2011 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quodlibet · 13/12/2011 15:17

We must move in different circles then Mamalazarou. I know many men who object to porn, both privately and openly and vocally.

MamaLazarou · 13/12/2011 15:18

We must indeed.

Malificence · 13/12/2011 15:22

MamaL, my DH doesn't like porn and has never used it, not even when he was away for 6 months with the Forces and the camp was awash with the stuff - he can't be the only one. He's not religious, he loves sex and he has no interest in porn.

MamaLazarou · 13/12/2011 15:25

But does he object to it?

Bennifer · 13/12/2011 15:26

I always feel that this debate does cover so many different issues.

At a simple level, a lot of men (probably the majority) find looking at naked women pleasurable. There are also the debates over how the women in the films are treated on and off screen which is a further debate. Then there is the debate over how it can change men's attitudes to their partners and women in their life.

If we were only talking about porn in the first sense of men finding movies of naked women pleasurable, I don't have a great problem with it. The other areas are more complicated

MamaLazarou · 13/12/2011 15:27

"At a simple level, a lot of men (probably the majority) find looking at naked women pleasurable. "

See, that is what I should have said instead of that 'known fact' guff.

Malificence · 13/12/2011 15:32

He objects to the mainstream nasty crap that is out there and the easy availablity of it to teenagers/children, he doesn't object to it's existence per say, neither do I as it happens, but he recognises the harm it can do within relationships and the desensitising effect of it on some.

One thing he can't understand is why men risk their relationships to get a porn fix.

flatbellyfella · 13/12/2011 15:32

Well here is one fella that hates porn, I first saw a picture of a big fat cock stuck in to a lady by accident whilst clearing out a workshop where I worked as a 15 year old boy, it was a ghastly sight to me , made me feel sick, from that day on I have never bought borrowed or watched porn, I have known fellas that are addicted to it & waste a lot of money persuing this pervy activity.

WithJingleBellsOn · 13/12/2011 15:36

But the problem is when couples disagree about it, not what a bunch of others online think. Worries and rows over porn use are a big problem these days. Look at almost any relationships board on an online forum. I think it's an important compatbility issue that people should pay attention to early in relationships as it can cause so many problems later. There are men out there who are hardly interested in porn, and some who are opposed to it for ethical reasons, and one of them is a better partner for a woman who's opposed to and / or upset by a partner using porn.

But of course that's no help when someone's already in a ten year relationship and the issue hadn't really arisen before.

In general I have no problem with it, sometimes watch it myself (mostly stuff from female directors), and I have talked about porn openly with ex partners and dates . I don't believe in snooping, so not sure how I'd find out about it accidentally.

What would worry me is if a partner turned out to be fixated with a particular type of porn involving something I really wasn't into doing. That would make me wonder if we were each with the right people, which obviously would be a shock in a longer relationship.
Other than getting or helping someone to control an addiction, I would personally consider telling someone not to use porn to be unacceptable thought-police type behaviour.

I don't know what I'd think about camgirls as since the last time I was in a serious relationship, I spent a couple of months working on chatlines for a company that also employed camgirls ( new nickname because of mentioning this). If he was doing that a lot, then I'd consider him to have some issues I wasn't comfortable with, but if it was once or twice a year when I was out, I wouldn't be bothered.
The line would be drawn: if there is addiction to it, if my health could be affected - actual sexual cheating - or if he was affecting the household finances by paying for it.

Malificence · 13/12/2011 15:41

I agree, it's about personal boundaries and above all, honesty.
It's the men who lie who are the problem, not the porn itself.

TooEasilyTempted · 13/12/2011 15:47

I like porn and watch it with DH and sometimes watch it when he's working away. We also have a little collection of our own home videos. I think DH probably watches porn without me at times. I don't have a problem with that at all.

Ilovepigs · 13/12/2011 15:57

I enjoy it. Use it on my own and with dh. I have never known a man who doesnt enjoy it. Must be all those same men who dont masturbate tooHmm

NatashaBee · 13/12/2011 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 13/12/2011 16:00

Don't start with that one Ilovepigs Wink I'll win.

FunnysInTheGarden · 13/12/2011 16:05

I don't like it, and as far as I know DH doesn't use it. In 24 years I've never found any evidence to the contrary. I suspect that if asked he would say he finds it a bit seedy. I would die inside if I sat and watched porn with DH, it's just so manipulative, a bit like the X factor actually Grin and I don't like that either.

worldgonecrazy · 13/12/2011 16:11

I find it a bit boring and samey. The 'stories' are all the same, and the sex action happens in the same sequence in all the films I have seen.

DH and I are honest about our porn watching. It doesn't bother me that he watches it.

I do worry about the ease with which fairly hardcore porn is available these days and that impressionable people may believe that what they see in porn films is everything that sex is about. Porn is about sexual pleasure without emotion, which can be fun sometimes, but would not be a healthy state for a long term relationship.

aegeansky · 13/12/2011 16:36

windsorTides 'It is not a 'known fact' that men need visual stimuli to masturbate. It is a complete myth and there is no scientific evidence to support it.

It is also a complete myth that all men like and use porn.' Thank you - absolutely right. I'm a man in an unhappily sexless relationship and and do not use porn. That doesn't make me a better person, just stating it to back up what you say.

susiedaisy · 13/12/2011 17:18

Agree with malificence she sums it up nicely as far as im concerned!

ConfusedGirlSuze · 13/12/2011 19:13

My boyfriend also watches porn. I don't mind it - really.

I don't like it when he 'does it' and I'm in the house, IE upstairs in bed but we've talked about it and he explains to me that it's seperate from our sex life.

I suppose sometimes I feel slightly jealous, like, I'm not enough for him - but - previous boyfriends have done it - and I know most men do.

I think the different attitudes in porn habits are just one of the many things that seperate men from women. I think women have a greater emotional attachment to sex and self pleasure, whereas for then I think sometimes it's just about the physical release.

madonnawhore · 13/12/2011 19:29

Haven't read the thread (almost on purpose actually, cos I know how these tend to go!).

Firstly I will say that being sexually aroused by watching two people have sex is not inherently misogynistic or deviant. It's totally normal for both genders to find watching couples (or even triples and more!) shagging a turn on.

But I have two main issues with porn:

  1. Porn sex is all completely geared towards the man's pleasure. The women are routinely depicted in degrading situations and talked about in really disgusting and demeaning ways - 'hot slut', 'horny fuckhole', and so on. Why is that type of language more of a turn on for some men than 'sexy, gorgeous woman'? And what does it say about those men that the more demeaning and degrading, the bigger the turn on?

Also, the female orgasm doesn't seem to even exist in porn land. There are generations of young guys whose main sex education is the free porn they can easily access on the internet and who are going to grow up genuinely believing that you can make a woman come in five minutes by pumping her like a jack hammer and saying cheesy things to her.

In short, the female half of a porn pairing is treated roughly and without dignity or respect. Don't really see how that is a turn on for anyone with a healthy view of women and relationships.

  1. The kind of porn I've described above is, disturbingly, the type of porn that is the most commercial and makes the most money. So its performers are often exploited, underpaid, coerced, treated badly, etc. The industry is vile and dangerous to the women (and men) who work in it.
Spuddybean · 13/12/2011 19:41

My DP doesn't like it at all - he finds it too visually visceral. But he has fetishes instead so watches things which he likes. Not porn at all, but it turns him on - so i suppose he is using it in the same way.

However, i don't mind the more made for women stuff, without all the gyno shots and degrading 'facials'. At the moment DP and i are trying to find something that we both like which we can watch together. I am more visually stimulated than him - he has more of an imagination and likes materials and textures and sounds.

I do also have an issue with DP (or any previous guy) wanking while i am in the house. I have always had a higher sex drive than him and am always up for it - so like to be invited to join in. Not always wanting full penetration but just doing something together. It just seems rude to me - liking making yourself a cup of tea without asking the other person!!

I don't care what he does when i'm out. And he doesn't care what i do when he's out - in fact he will often email me links of what he is looking at Wink which i really like too.

Malificence · 13/12/2011 19:46

Absolutely MW.
That's why I think that the Smitten kitten "how to" videos should be shown in high schools - they show mutual respect, mutual enjoyment of sex by both participants, in particular the enjoyment of a man giving sexual pleasure to a woman. They show the fun and intensity in good sex and don't show sex as something a man does to / takes from a woman with little or no input from the female side.

FabbyChic · 13/12/2011 19:46

I've no problems watching porn, straight, women to women, spanking, soft bondage normal stuff.

Im not interested in hard core bondage or male gay sex.

I've not watched any for a very long time though, I was married to someone who had about 60 mags under the bed and around ten videos! Was a long time ago. Doesn't bother me.

FabbyChic · 13/12/2011 19:48

The women who are abused and objectified earn a great deal of money, they choose that profession because they enjoy it.