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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Facebook - I'm worried.

82 replies

FH70 · 12/12/2011 14:06

Hi,
To start with, I am a dad with 2 DC, happily married for 15 years. I would like some perspective really on my DW use of Facebook. She joined about a year ago and has never really talked about it to me. About 3 months ago, she was reading FB and laughing when I walked in. She showed me a joke (harmless) on the site of a man. I asked her who he was as he had never been mentioned before. My DW snapped at me that he was ?just a guy she used to work with? and there was nothing to be worried about. She is generally placid, but she unnerved me with her strong reaction. I asked her if there was even a photo of me on her FB (there was not, but she then put on a couple of me). Later, I said that I was worried about all the negative stuff I?d heard about FB affairs, flirting etc. She dismissed me and then snapped, ?do you not want me to have facebook?? I was embarrassed and said nothing further for 3 months until she happened to mention FB in passing. I said that I was concerned that we had never really talked about the use of FB (I don?t have it) and that she was friends with men on there that I did not know and asked her how she would deal with friend requests from men. Again, she virtually exploded and I was taken aback by the strength of her reaction. I am puzzled to say the least. One of the key things that unsettles me is I don?t know why she needs to be friends with men on FB at all and worry that flirting could start (I know three men at work who have / are having affairs and are using FB as facilitator). I won?t write anymore, but ask for people?s comments / thoughts please as this whole FB thing is worrying me.

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 12/12/2011 14:10

Why don't you set up an account and if she has nothing to hide she can friend you on there.

seasidesister · 12/12/2011 14:14

You could join FB too and then youd be friends.

Apart from this how is your marriage?
Have you other things you argue about or just this?
Has she given you any other reasons to feel she is not to be trusted?
You sound a bit controlling to me, why cant she chat to people on FB?

Catsmamma · 12/12/2011 14:15

I'm in a similar situation to you and your wife, in that dh has very little online presence, and no fb. I am all over the place, loads of people on fb from forums...what can I say?? I am nosey! ;)

I have workmates, male and female, husbands and partners of friends, and can assure you that I am not up to anything!

I can see you are worried by her reaction and I would say it's a little odd to my mind. But then if I showed dh a joke on a fb page, he'd not bother to query who the page belonged to...do you have reason to distrust her, or are you being a little possessive??

TheSecondComing · 12/12/2011 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AKissIsNotAContract · 12/12/2011 14:18

I have plenty of male FB friends that my DP doesn't know. He has plenty of female friends that I don't know. Has your DW ever given you any reason to not trust her? I don't see why it should be a problem for her to have male FB friends. FB might make it easier for affairs to happen, but only if the intention to have an affair is already there.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2011 14:26

Be warned, my ex used to worry who I was meeting online (don't do Facebook but played a popular online game). If I grouped up to do a quest with some totally random bod I'd never met before and knew nothing about, he'd be hovering, grumbling. As for the people I played with regularly, he hated them. Eventually it came to a straight choice between him and the game. And he lost.

I still play the game, but never did get it together with anyone I've met through it. I also used to go to work and meet a lot of men, but I never got together with any of them either. I bit his head off when he questioned me because it was bloody insulting. I also bit his head off when he rummaged in my handbag. There was nothing at all in there that he shouldn't see, but it was my handbag.

That's just my perspective on it and of course I am not your DW, nor, thank goodness, are you my XH. I don't know what she may be doing. But I do know why she may have been irritable.

SirSugar · 12/12/2011 14:29

' SecondComing. My mates XP always wanted to shag her when he got home from any trips away - she said it felt like he was a dog marking his territory.

Back to thread, affairs happened before FB OP. I'd be fucking mad too if you were my H and cross examined me about my FB account ( 50/50 split between men and women on mine and I'm not about to fuck about with any of them )

MarchelineWhatNot · 12/12/2011 14:29

Join now and send her a Friends Request. You never know, you might actually enjoy being on Facebook.

As for your DW... I so hope it is all innocent.

MooncupGoddess · 12/12/2011 14:31

If a partner of mine asked me how I would deal with friend requests from men, I would give them a look and say, 'The same way as I deal with friend requests from women.' It's a weird question.

Talk to your wife about your relationship generally... it sounds like there may be some issues.

puzzlesum · 12/12/2011 14:33

I said that I was concerned that we had never really talked about the use of FB (I don?t have it) and that she was friends with men on there that I did not know and asked her how she would deal with friend requests from men.

Err .. like anyone would with any friend request, male or female? If it's someone you know or want to be linked with, you accept. If you don't, you don't. I'm friends with someone's tortoise on Facebook (a real tortoise, that isn't a euphemism!). I haven't checked if my husband approved or not!

If people are going to have an affair, they do. They don't do so because of Facebook. Even if Facebook can facilitate the contact. Otherwise no-one would have had an affair before 2004.

Your attitude comes across as rather suspicious, I would react strongly to the comment "I don?t know why you need to be friends with men on FB at all and worry that flirting could start". I would come over all teenager-ish and say "you're not my dad!" although I am friends with my dad on Facebook!

carmenelectra · 12/12/2011 14:34

I think you are all being a bit OTT with the OP.

It does, to me, sound as though he has something to be worried about! His DW is blowing her top when facebook is mentioned and she has 'secret' male friends.

I agree that FB is used as a facilitator in affairs to be honest too. However, it does depend how this relationship is generally as to whether the OP should be worried about this. He hasnt been back to say how their relationship is.

I personally am not interested in FB and people finding out all of my business. I also find it odd and rude when people post photos with me on there! I don't really want strangers viewing pics of me on a night out or of me with my kids. That's a whole different issue though.

In this situation though, although of course it is fine to have mates of the opposite sex, I don't think it's fine to have 'secret' mates or mates who you meet on a one to one basis. That's how boundaries can get crossed.

Thankfully, my Dp shares my lack of interest regarding FB and has desire to nosey into casual acquaintances lives either. We seem to be in the minority though. If he was acting like the OP's DW though then i would be very suspicious.

sternface · 12/12/2011 14:38

It depends how you expressed your concern and also whether you've told her about your friends using FB to cheat. Yes cheating has always happened, but sites like this have made it a darned sight easier in the past 10 years.

If you explained to her that given what you see happening at work, you're feeling a bit insecure and vulnerable - and she still bit your head off, then I think there are grounds to worry, but not just about infidelity.

If you came across as in any way territorial or demanding that she has no male friends, then her anger and defensiveness is more understandable.

I don't think you should join FB if you don't want to - and definitely not if it was only for 'stalking' purposes.

BertieBotts · 12/12/2011 14:41

OP you sound overly suspicious. It shouldn't be a problem for her to have male friends on facebook. Either you trust your wife or you don't, facebook or real life makes no difference. If you trust her, then let it go. If you don't, I think you need to examine why you are in this relationship.

gobbycow · 12/12/2011 14:43

I wasn't "allowed" to use Facebook either, He made it so bloody difficult, smarmy remarks, ludicrous accusations etc, and I would start hiding my use of it, deleting notification emails before he could see them. I guess it may have looked shady, but his paranoia made it like that. In the end I gave up and deleted my account.

He HATED Mumsnet too.

It was like being in prison, and now he's gone, I can talk to whoever I like, and I'm not shagging anyone. Strangely enough, just having fun reconnecting with my old mates...men and women!

You sound very controlling to me too I'm afraid, maybe you need to find the answer, within yourself, and your attitudes and expectations of women in general and in particular, your wife.

Bramshott · 12/12/2011 14:44

You do know that Facebook is just a website don't you? Used by thousands of people around the world to keep in touch with family, friends and colleagues that they may not see every day. TBH if my DH asked me "how I would deal with friend requests from men" I would look at him as if he had a screw loose!

Hassledge · 12/12/2011 14:45

Just because some men are twats who use FB as the facilitator for the affairs they probably would have had anyway that doesn't mean your wife will do the same thing. People blame FB - but the reality is that if you're the sort to play away, then you'll play away. People had affairs before FB.

The real question is - why don't you trust your wife? Is there a history, or is this a self-esteem issue of yours?

BertieBotts · 12/12/2011 14:45

She probably snapped/exploded, BTW, because it's pretty insulting to have it insinuated that you might suddenly be tempted to cheat because of a website. Reminds me of my ex who didn't like me drinking because "I trust you, but I don't trust other men." Er, right, and I have no mind of my own??

OP why won't you come back and have a discussion?

schobe · 12/12/2011 14:46

Tbh I would be annoyed if I openly showed you what I was laughing at on screen and all you could say was 'who's that guy?'

Everything you've said to her seems to imply that she should not be friends with or speaking to men you don't know or haven't sanctioned.

I would react very irritably too if I was getting that message from my partner.

Now, no doubt you didn't mean this and it's simply a misunderstanding. I would agree with starting a facebook account and having a look at how it works. You see stuff your friends have written and can comment on them briefly. It really doesn't mean you're necessarily having in depth conversations or relationships with them.

AbbyAbsinthe · 12/12/2011 14:50

Listen - if she wants to screw around, she will do so regardless of Facebook!

I can sort of see why she may have reacted so vehemently, because you sound like you're rather controlling, and from what you've written, it sounds like this was the last of a long line of controlling-type behaviour.

I apologise if I've misjudged you - but how do you deal with her friendships with men outside of Facebook?

randommoment · 12/12/2011 14:51

I don't really do much with FB, I much prefer MN! But if DP had asked me about people I chat to/am friends with in the way OP asked his DW, I don't think I'd have reacted in the way she did. I wonder if she's addicted to FB a bit too much and is reacting defensively - I do know a few people who seem to have given up RL socialising in favour of FB all bloody day long!

snuffaluffagus · 12/12/2011 15:00

I am friends with lots of colleagues/ex colleagues on facebook (male and female) who my husband doesn't know. I don't think it would occur to him to feel jealous or unsettled by any of this because he trusts me. The same is true in the reverse.. I don't know all the girls on his facebook either but I don't care a jot. Obviously I would care if something untoward was going on but it's not!

So unless you have a reason to mistrust your wife, I wouldn't worry - you're over thinking it. She is allowed to be friends with and chat with who she likes. I too would react with annoyance if my husband questioned me in that manner.

bubblechristmaspop · 12/12/2011 15:07

Op fact is you have balls.

If you had boobs and were female. You would be getting entirely different responses. People can mutter and deny all they like it's the truth.

Completely blowing their top, acting out of character to a question. Not sharing anything to do with fb. If you didn't have a penis. More people would be replying to you like electra.

It's well known as MN double standards.

3rdOneComingUp · 12/12/2011 15:07

I wonder if the OP has got his tail between his legs now now that it's been pointed out that he might be acting in the manner of an utter control freak slightly over possessively? Or, will he just ignore blardy wimmin's MN's rather unanimous opinion.

AbbyAbsinthe · 12/12/2011 15:11

Actually bubblechristmaspop that is incorrect. On my behalf anyway. I started a thread once about people thinking they are in charge of their partners, regardless of gender.

I could be wrong - he could have innocently asked her about FB, but this

rings alarm bells with me that the OP may be controlling. I would say exactly the same if a woman had posted this about her DH.

BertieBotts · 12/12/2011 15:12

He said in the OP he wasn't going to be back.

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