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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Facebook - I'm worried.

82 replies

FH70 · 12/12/2011 14:06

Hi,
To start with, I am a dad with 2 DC, happily married for 15 years. I would like some perspective really on my DW use of Facebook. She joined about a year ago and has never really talked about it to me. About 3 months ago, she was reading FB and laughing when I walked in. She showed me a joke (harmless) on the site of a man. I asked her who he was as he had never been mentioned before. My DW snapped at me that he was ?just a guy she used to work with? and there was nothing to be worried about. She is generally placid, but she unnerved me with her strong reaction. I asked her if there was even a photo of me on her FB (there was not, but she then put on a couple of me). Later, I said that I was worried about all the negative stuff I?d heard about FB affairs, flirting etc. She dismissed me and then snapped, ?do you not want me to have facebook?? I was embarrassed and said nothing further for 3 months until she happened to mention FB in passing. I said that I was concerned that we had never really talked about the use of FB (I don?t have it) and that she was friends with men on there that I did not know and asked her how she would deal with friend requests from men. Again, she virtually exploded and I was taken aback by the strength of her reaction. I am puzzled to say the least. One of the key things that unsettles me is I don?t know why she needs to be friends with men on FB at all and worry that flirting could start (I know three men at work who have / are having affairs and are using FB as facilitator). I won?t write anymore, but ask for people?s comments / thoughts please as this whole FB thing is worrying me.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 12/12/2011 15:13

Agree with Abby. If you trust your partner then you can trust them on facebook. It's not like she's joined findafuckinyourlunchbreak.com. If you don't trust them then either the relationship is screwed, or you have trust issues, which if you don't deal with them, will lead to the relationship being screwed.

saintlyjimjams · 12/12/2011 15:15

I'd blow my top if my husband starting trying to control my use of Facebook. Do you usually monitor her male friends?

Why do you need to discuss her use of FB with her?

AbbyAbsinthe · 12/12/2011 15:16

Do you have a link to findafuckinyourlunchbreak.com?

BertieBotts · 12/12/2011 15:24

I dread to think

PieCherry · 12/12/2011 16:12

She may be flirting on FB she might not. FB is not the enemy. Join, you can see what's going on.

xxx

RubyRainbow · 12/12/2011 16:32

Blimey you lot are so harsh... he said he was worried and I don't blame him. Wonder how you would've reacted if this was a female OP posting about her DH's facebook activities?

snuffaluffagus · 12/12/2011 16:41

I'd have said, unless he has done something to make you not trust him, he is allowed to talk to former colleagues on facebook and is allowed to react with annoyance if you seem to question who you can be friends with.

AbbyAbsinthe · 12/12/2011 16:41

I've already said, Ruby - if the roles were reversed, I would say exactly the same thing.

A dw asking her dh

"I said that I was concerned that we had never really talked about the use of FB (I don?t have it) and that he was friends with women on there that I did not know and asked her how he would deal with friend requests from women" - exactly the same.

Original poster

FH70 · 12/12/2011 16:58

Hi everyone,
I must admit, I didn?t expect the level of generally hostile reactions to my post. The thing is, it is difficult to get over all of the intricate detail associated with my concern in just a paragraph or two. People reading this have made terrible assumptions about me - almost making me out to be a nasty, controlling monster. I wish I hadn?t been honest and said I was a man. The truth is, folk have read my words and then automatically categorized me with only limited information. With regard to FB, I guess I have let the despicable behaviour of a few people having affairs (facilitated by FB) to unduly influence my thought process - and made me worry over nothing. My relationship with my DW is wonderful, but sometimes things such as new modern technology (like FB) come along which can challenge us all. I am not naive; I know that individuals only have affairs if they want to. However, things like FB can offer temptation and greatly simplify this process ? of course for those who desire it. I think I have a little more clarity now. I will not be writing again on this thread. Thanks.

OP posts:

bubblechristmaspop · 12/12/2011 17:01

You will be met by staunch denials, when people speak of mn double standards. Posters just can't admit it and I'm speaking about MN as a general rule.

But it is here on this thread op, if you'd have been female you would have got VERY different responses.

EatMeDates · 12/12/2011 17:03

If you are worried about your DW having a FB account, there must be other issues of trust in your marriage. Dh and I both have FB accounts, twitter etc and I couldnt give a fig who he talks to because I trust him.

This has nothing to do with you being a man.

And Facebook is no more of a temptation to flirtation than going to work, going to the pub with friends etc. You sound insecure.

AbbyAbsinthe · 12/12/2011 17:08

I wasn't hostile. But I did ask how you react to your dw being friends with men in general. So I am going to assume that you won't answer that question then.

AbbyAbsinthe · 12/12/2011 17:10

I do actually often agree with you on that matter bubble - I do think there are often terrible double standards on MN. But I also think that there are lots of posters that just don't think anyone, male or female, has a right to monitor their spouses friendships with the opposite sex.

TechnoViking · 12/12/2011 17:12

I too have balls. I too, thought the OP was a bit overly suspicious.

Nothing I've read here made me think anyone said OP is a controlling monster.

OP, if you wish to read measured responses, you need to put more detail in your OP. we can only go on what you tell us.

Don't go flouncing off, just because everyone didn't tell you what a lovely man you are and how your suspicions must be correct.

AbbyAbsinthe · 12/12/2011 17:16

Thank you Techno. I concur.

OP, if you think that people are suspicious of your motives, surely flouncing off and refusing to answer any questions on your backstory just makes that more likely?

gobbycow · 12/12/2011 17:16

Controlling behaviour is just that, from whichever gender...I am definitely NOT in denial.

I have been the victim of controlling behaviour from both men and women...and directly with regard to Facebook. The controlling PEOPLE did not want me interacting with other people, who might just have pointed out to me that I was "surrounded by nutters", as is what actually happened.

NO double standards, sorry to disappoint those with the rigid agenda. (Rigid thinking...I have been on the receiving end of that too. Same nutters, different day)

I am not remotely surprised you use words like "hostile". And their are those of us on MN who have enough experience of controlling behaviours, to spot it a mile away. And controlling people can NEVER be wrong or have any need to question their own outlook and opinions in any way. They also set out to ISOLATE their victims.

I have friends on FB who are married or in relationships, and they merely use it as a tool to interact with each other and others in a very light hearted way...as do I, and any relationship I have again, my use of Facebook and Mumsnet will be NON NEGOTIABLE.

OnlyForMe · 12/12/2011 17:22

I think that things you don't know always look much more worrying then they are.

I use to hate Facebook, swore that I will never go on it ever... until I actually joined FB and started using it.
I personnally use it in a very restricted sense but it certainly has helped me to understand how it works and not be so worried about it.

Actually I though that people who were spending ages on internet forum were just as stupid had no interest in life. That was until I started to use MN

So OP just go on Facebook, become friend with your wife, some of your real life friends and see how it goes. you might like it or not but you will certainly find it's not always as scary as it looks.
And if there is really something to be worried about, you will find out about it too

SirSugar · 12/12/2011 18:06

Temptation is everywhere OP and if I wanted to shag elsewhere I wouldn't do it via FB

Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2011 18:17

There's a lot more than merely double standards on MN. Because - and I'm sorry if this comes as a bit of a shock - those jolly posting names you see there, every one of them hides a real live individual person (barring the occasional sock puppet). People do quite often have differing views, based on their differing natures and experiences. Thus, if you get however many thousands of posters there are commenting on an issue, you will get precisely that many shades of opinion. I am only surprised that some find it surprising.

Thought for the day: there is no Mumsnet Collective, only human beings.

coffeeinbed · 12/12/2011 18:29

You don't know why she needs to be friends with men on FB?
Is she allowed to have men friends in real life then?
Charming!

TheSecondComing · 12/12/2011 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 12/12/2011 19:13

Oh come on she got defensive his wife because she is guilty and has something to hide. He has a right to be suspicious.

Malificence · 12/12/2011 19:21

"Thought for the day: there is no Mumsnet Collective, only human beings"

Oh, that's disappointing, I thought we were a hive mind, like The Borg.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2011 19:22

Mm, wish I had a figure like the Borg Queen and got to shag Data .

BayPolar · 12/12/2011 19:23

Seaside
I don't think he sounds controlling.
I think he has cause for concern because FB is a 'facilitator' for affairs and 'harmless' flirting and quite frankly, I too would also be concerned if my significant other responded with such defence when the issue of FB came up.

I think it would be a nice idea to 'friend' your wife. If she comes at you with, 'You don't trust me' and so on, then just explain that, no, you are her husband and you'd like to be part of her FB world, and for good reason.

My OH doesn't do FB but I do, but only because I am an extreme ex-pat and my friends are crap at keeping in contact via email, what with them all being so busy with their kids, so this is a good way for me to keep up with their lives, and they with mine.
Otherwise, I think FB can be rather evil, as it has destroyed many relationships, indeed, I have unfriended 'friends' who started to become a bit too fresh with me.

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