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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Facebook - I'm worried.

82 replies

FH70 · 12/12/2011 14:06

Hi,
To start with, I am a dad with 2 DC, happily married for 15 years. I would like some perspective really on my DW use of Facebook. She joined about a year ago and has never really talked about it to me. About 3 months ago, she was reading FB and laughing when I walked in. She showed me a joke (harmless) on the site of a man. I asked her who he was as he had never been mentioned before. My DW snapped at me that he was ?just a guy she used to work with? and there was nothing to be worried about. She is generally placid, but she unnerved me with her strong reaction. I asked her if there was even a photo of me on her FB (there was not, but she then put on a couple of me). Later, I said that I was worried about all the negative stuff I?d heard about FB affairs, flirting etc. She dismissed me and then snapped, ?do you not want me to have facebook?? I was embarrassed and said nothing further for 3 months until she happened to mention FB in passing. I said that I was concerned that we had never really talked about the use of FB (I don?t have it) and that she was friends with men on there that I did not know and asked her how she would deal with friend requests from men. Again, she virtually exploded and I was taken aback by the strength of her reaction. I am puzzled to say the least. One of the key things that unsettles me is I don?t know why she needs to be friends with men on FB at all and worry that flirting could start (I know three men at work who have / are having affairs and are using FB as facilitator). I won?t write anymore, but ask for people?s comments / thoughts please as this whole FB thing is worrying me.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 12/12/2011 19:24

If she had nothing to hide it would be, hey come over here and see who I used to work with, or get yourself a fb account so we can be friends and you can see my wall.

She has done none of that. She is flirting online simples. Next she be hiding her mobile phone.

If a woman had posted this you would all be telling her to do some snooping.

AbbyAbsinthe · 12/12/2011 19:49

Fabby that is utter shit.

If my partner asked how I would be "dealing with friend requests from men", I would rip him a new one. And I'm certainly not flirting online.

fuzzynavel · 12/12/2011 20:20

Well I'm with Fabby on this one. Why should she suddenly have male friends on there, what for? Seems ridiculous. I use facebook very ocassionally and only have real friends on there.

Really don't understand the cross posts on here, he hasn't in anyway shown he's controlling he just doesn't get why she all of a sudden has male friends that he probably doesn't know and then she gets standoff-ish and furtive when he asks genuine questions.

If it were the other way round and a woman posted this people would be saying there was probably something going on.

fuzzynavel · 12/12/2011 20:24

If it were me and my partner asked who people were, I'd sit him down and go through it with him like a mature adult.

gobbycow · 12/12/2011 20:35

I would have given anything for my h to have been a real and interactive friend of mine on facebook, to share the funny stuff, debate the political stuff, and generally be "together" there, and in day to day real interactions. With each other and our separate, and mutual friends.

I actually think now, that people who are vehemently anti facebook have got the problem...but I would...that's where I am in my life right now.

lisaro · 12/12/2011 20:39

You sound like you have insecurity and/or jealousy issues. Why the hell should she not have male facebook friends. Grow up.

notverywisewoman · 12/12/2011 21:03

bloody hell ,this is a hot one. I am not an everday facebook user myself.Have an account with a few friends and relatives. However I do see the attraction for lots of users, its a way to chat to people and get in touch with old friends etc. I see my friends put really amusing stuff on there and it is great, thank god for sites that let people(ok, women) have some social life that doesn't have to be tied up with husbands kids etc.That is the problem I think, men do not like us to have a social life. Without them.They are worried that we might have some fun. And meet men. Why else would this man be so concerned about his wifes fb use? are the kids starving?Is she neglecting her wifely duties because of her fb use? I doubt it, but she is enjoying herself and he doesn't like that .He does not approve of fb because of affairs,but lots of users do not shag their fb friends. Do they?

fuzzynavel · 12/12/2011 21:31

Even if it's fear of the unknown on his part (taking from the point of veiw that I'm 49 and a slight technophobe. There has been a lot of negative splashed across our screens etc. about FB.

Why on earth can she not sit down and explain, friend him etc. and let him into the loop, after all they are a "partnership"

fuzzynavel · 12/12/2011 21:33

*talking

Pantofino · 12/12/2011 21:40

"Well I'm with Fabby on this one. Why should she suddenly have male friends on there, what for? Seems ridiculous. I use facebook very ocassionally and only have real friends on there"

Um it is possible to have real friends who are in fact men.....

namechangerbat · 12/12/2011 21:44

EVERYONE that uses Facebook is out to have an AFFAIR or STALK you. Fact.

Pantofino · 12/12/2011 21:46

I never shagged any one of MY facebook friends - apart from DH....oh and one other who came long before DH and who never posts anyway...I was just be nosy.

fuzzynavel · 12/12/2011 21:47

Yes, Panto but the courteous thing to do would be to sit him down and explain. If there's nothing going on then explain if he's worried.

Ok then

What if you had no interest in FB and your partner suddenly friended women on there that you didn't know and started laughing out loud at comments and being furtive and cross at you?

Unbelieveable double standards going on here due to the OP being male.

Dozer · 12/12/2011 21:56

There is no MN collective?!

bubblechristmaspop · 12/12/2011 22:04

Exatly fuzzy. Imagine the posts if it were a female..........

Well there was no need to snap at you, why was he being so defensive and aggressive, why can't he be open about his facebook, you are his wife after all. He could at least reassure you. You say this is very out of character. Red flags. How does he use is phone? Is he on the pc late at night? Could you guess the password? Facebook is evil, this is how affairs start. It's not an issue as long as it's all open, but why is he being so defensive and out of character blah, blah, blah.

People will never admit it though.

BustersOfDoom · 12/12/2011 22:05

I have a roughly equal number of male and female FB friends. I haven't shagged or flirted with any of them. DP is also on FB but we are not friends. Not for reasons of secrecy, we just have separate circles of friends and as he says 'I don't want to be copied in to pictures of kittens, babies, opinions on X Factor and how many points you've scored on a game.' Which about sums up what gets posted by my friends. But I'd give him access if he wanted to.

However as I set his account up for him I know his username and password and can access it anytime I want. But I don't because all him and his mates talk about are which bands they are planning to see and how great the last gig was. With endless videos of rock bands from YouTube. Zzzzzzzzz

But. He has never questioned why I am friends with men he doesn't know. He is an adult and realises that I have friends and colleagues who are men. I always have done and always will do. Two of my best friends are male former colleagues. They don't want to shag me and I don't want to shag them.

And where has this 'suddenly' come about? She joined FB a year ago. Is it not possible that her colleagues/friends suggested she should join and was sent friend requests because of that? There's one or two colleagues I have lost touch with that I would like to get back in touch with and every few months or so I search for them. If I found them I'd send a friend request. But I don't want to shag them!

Quite why the OP is doing all the I won't be posting again crap I don't know, although I suspect he is actually controlling and jealous and doesn't want to have to actually defend being so. As I said, I have bog all to hide but if DP questioned me like the OP I'd react in exactly the same way as the OP's wife. And I'd say exactly the same if the OP was a woman.

maybenow · 12/12/2011 22:14

i've just looked at my DHs friends list for the first time ever and found about four girls i don't know.. i think i know who they must be (roughly) because of who else they're friends with and one is an ex of his's daughter, but i would NEVER pull him up on having female friends on there.

I, on the other hand, have about a hundred blokes on there that DH doesn't know, all from my years of martial arts training, my degree (physics) and school. He's met my closest male friends who i see often, but nothing like all my fb friends. He would NEVER be suspicious or talk to me about 'my use of fb and how i handle friend requests from men' - tbh that really creeps me out.

BustersOfDoom · 12/12/2011 22:30

Well actually bubble I'd be defensive and aggressive if DP demanded to know why I had men as FB friends that he didn't know. I'd be bloody furious! And extremely offended at the implication that I couldn't be trusted just because I had male friends.

And I would most definitely have told a female MN poster the same if she were asking about her husband having female FB friends. I dread to think that my male FB friend's partners might be giving them a load a shit for having me and other female colleagues as friends. If they were I would be advising my friends that they need relationship counselling. It's not normal.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 23:38

My relationship with my DW is wonderful, but sometimes things such as new modern technology (like FB) come along which can challenge us all.

You sound about 95! Even my technologically challened 68yo MIL manages to use facebook very easily.

Facebook is not the work of the devil

I would bet far more affairs are started by going out drinking without your partner than sharing jokes on a screen with someone you either have known since your school days, work with, or simply play the same online game with.

Trust is the issue.

I was on facebook long before my husband joined, and he only joined because he felt left out .. not in a jealous way, but when we were out with friends or family and as inevitably these days in almost every conversation, someone will say "did you see on Facebook?".. he joined, and we have about 90 mutual friends, as well as friends of our own, of both sexes, and including ex partners too. In fact, my husband is now mates on FB with my ex fiance (from 20+ years ago).. they have never met, but they would often interract on conversations on my wall, and I got fed up with them yapping to each other via my wall, so told them to be friends :) .. they can now share motorbike videos and football chat without me having to read it all!

I think in the OP both parties are acting badly. She is being defensive, He is behaving jealously. The simple solution is to join FB and be friends with each other. Or dont join FB but dont assume she is upto something when you dont have any proof.

piprobincomesbobbobbobbinalong · 12/12/2011 23:52

TBH, your attempts to discuss your DWs FB use sound more akin to a father talking to his 13 year old child.
A parent would be right to want to discuss how FB is being used and to worry about contact with unknown adult - because the child is less mature and less able to make safe choices.

However your DW is an adult and you should treat her as such. Do you have any reason to suspect that your DW is less capable of managing her own FB interactions unsupervised than the average adult?

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 13/12/2011 00:11

If you aren't familiar with facebook and are a bit of a technophobe, how on earth did you figure out mumsnet? Or does your wife use this too?

squeakytoy · 13/12/2011 00:32

Good question there BOF..

gobbycow · 13/12/2011 10:29

Blimey, there's one or two folk totally fixated on their delusional double standards agenda here. It doesn't exist!

I love facebook, and after being in a VERY controlling relationship, it is my lifeline back to normality. The dysfunctional like to live apart and separate in their own dysfunction, with secrets and shame for company. I prefer my old mates from work, and school and new friends of friends that I've met to that weirdworld any day!

wannaBe · 13/12/2011 11:04

I agree with bubble - if this was a woman posting the reaction would be different. But having said that, this comment struck me:

"I said that I was concerned that we had never really talked about the use of FB (I don?t have it) and that she was friends
with men on there that I did not know and asked her how she would deal with friend requests from men." that sounds like something you'd say about having a chat with a teenager. She's not a child - you don't have to have a joint discussion about her use of a website. She doesn't have to run her friendships past you.

dreamingbohemian · 13/12/2011 11:14

I actually don't find 'new modern technology' challenging at all. But then, my DH and I don't have any weird hangups about who we are or aren't allowed to talk to.

I think starting a thread and then refusing to engage on it says a lot about the OP actually.

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