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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Mum's partner is untrustworthy and I want to speak to his ex-partner-should I?

89 replies

QueenCess · 12/12/2011 11:49

I posted last week but with give a bit of background....

My mum has been with her current partner for over a year. He has lied about the following:

His name
His address
His employment history
Finding work.

She has spent over £20,000 since she has been with him. He has a new caravan and car in his name. She has no more savings left.

My Mum was widowed when she met him and in a vunerable state. She is 66 and he is 47. I have found out where he used to live and his previous partner is in her seventies now.

He clearly has a thing for the more mature lady.

He has been actively unpleasant when I have been to my Mum's house. I would describe him as hostile towards myself and my little children. He turned the T.V up when we last visited and pushed a newspaper up in front of his face. He is curt towards my children answering question with a grunt/yes/no. I no longer feel comfortable going to her house so she just comes on her own to mine. I haven't had crossed words with him and have actively stayed out of the way hoping it would just end.

My Mum was diagnosed with Lymphoma last week and I am very worried. She has had to tell me about going through all her savings because of Christmas but I new really as he was never at work and they were always on holiday...plus the small matter of the new car 5 months into the relationship.

At the moment he is unemployed. It transpired that he has been out of work for the last 15 years......so my Mum has little chance of getting her money back. I really think she is going to need it.

Do I go over to his ex-partner/write to her and see what else there is he has lied about or continue to sit back?

I feel so angry at the moment because I think he is an exploitative manipulator but is it not my business? My Mum is a vunerable person who had a breakdown when she was widowed and I brought her into my home and took care of her for over a year and dealt with all the financial stuff-sorted out buying her house etc-hence how I know how much money has gone.

She has a history of abusive relationships and that is another concern.

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 14/12/2011 08:48

So pleased you are going to the police, don't leave until they do something either, you must all be so frightened. Who does he think he is??

He is obviously very unstable.

catwithflowers · 14/12/2011 09:36

Definitely agree re contacting your childrens' school too and stressing the seriousness of this issue. How is your mum? She must be in bits Sad

SantasStrapon · 14/12/2011 10:03

Izzy playing mind games with someone like that is the very last thing you should do. Provoking him will make things worse, far, far worse. And sadly, Broadmoor is not a repository for every psycho in Britain. Please don't give out dangerous advice on threads like this.

Well done Queen, I second your Mum staying with you for a while. She will need emotional support too. Good luck with the Police, I hope they take this very seriously now, and are able to offer you support and advice as well.

Tianc · 14/12/2011 10:15

How horrible.

Awfully, it's sort of good if he tries a verbal assault and night calls, because it gives you what you need for police help before he gets physical.

As I said, IANAL, but is it possible to look at restraining orders or injunctions or something? I would have thought - given the man's known pattern of behaviour - this might be possible at an earlier stage of the threatening behaviour than is usual.

I know a piece of paper is not the be all and end all, but it does give the police a tool with which to escalate.

Good luck OP. Thank god you were on the ball with this.

OldeChestnut · 14/12/2011 10:20

wow, you are a very strong woman OP, your mum is so lucky to have you to look out for her and be proactive.

Keep all texts, all messages all notes and keep a diary of things happening.

However I think its naive of the other poster to say if he was psychotic, he would be locked away. There are hundreds of thousands of mentally ill people out on the streets - and thats a fact!

PetiteRaleuse · 14/12/2011 10:27

Good luck OP and well done you, and well done your mum too for being so brave about it all.

QueeferSantaland · 14/12/2011 10:27

Well done for looking out for her and being so level headed.

Good luck.
xx

MammaBrussels · 14/12/2011 10:32

Thank god she has such a sensible and ballsy daughter. I hope the police have enough to act on and put him away.

lubeybaublely · 14/12/2011 10:36

Well done finding this out and helping your mum like this. You are doing exactly the right thing.

I'd be tempted to keep your mum with you for a week or so, not only for safety but to ensure no conversation takes place between them and that she can't be persuaded that you are lying or anything.

Good luck, stay safe

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 14/12/2011 10:53

Thank god you found out the 'easy' way about him and not when you had to see your mum after being beaten. Stay strong.

Bossybritches22 · 14/12/2011 10:56

wow- well done you for being so proactive!!

My heart was in my mouth as I read ytour update & subsequent posts.

How dreadful for you Shock the last thing your mum needs right now.

WRT the phones- keep them switched off & get a PAYG for now & tell all your emergency contacts only. It will be tempting to change the number completely but the log of missed/abusive calls will be helpful to the police.

The car & money are a PITA but may have to be written off to experience & a small price to pay for your mums safety.

CleopatrasAsp · 14/12/2011 11:00

Well done OP, you have done a great job in protecting your mum. I know she has lost money but that is of no consequence in comparison to what he could have done given his violent nature and past. I so wish there was a register for men who are violent towards women, it would make things a lot easier for so many people.

AbbyAbsinthe · 14/12/2011 11:05

Well done, you have been so brave following this up! Keep safe and I wish you all lots of luck x

puzzlesum · 14/12/2011 11:05

Hope you get somewhere with the police, Queen. I wonder if Women's Aid is worth a call as well, given this is effectively domestic violence as well as the 'usual' sort.

How did the ex-p get rid of him in the end, was it legal threats, or was it a case of him finding a new victim to leech off? (Your mum, unfortunately).

WhoWhoWhoWho · 14/12/2011 11:10

Just read this thread and how awful for you and your mum! Shock

Could your mum stay with you for a little while? Does she feel safe in her house? Hope police are helpful today.

I do think the car/caravan etc are best just written off,and for your mum o draw a line under it all and be glad she didn't lose her house too.

ConOfScience · 14/12/2011 11:11

wow, just wow!

Well done OP for protecting you mum, although I fear you are not 'out the woods' yet.

Stay frosty!

Camerondiazepam · 14/12/2011 11:20

Well done Queen, you go girl!

OldeChestnut · 14/12/2011 11:23

make sure she hasnt changed her will in his favour :(

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/12/2011 11:29

God these men have a sensor for their victims don't they? Could you take your children out of school for their own safety? Or at least have them wait in their classroom for you or your dh to pick them up.

I know your moms important too but your kids have been threatened and you'll never forgive yourself if anything happens.

Luckily your moms not so needy that she didn't end the relationship, you've done so well to protect her from him.

Lymphoma is often easier to treat than other cancer, I know that sounds glib but my dh had hodgkins and the consultant said it responds well to treatment. My dh had it 30 years ago and is now 46.

forkful · 14/12/2011 14:54

OP I hope the police take this extremely seriously.

You need your phones logged so that calls from your receive priority from them. Can you get your mum a panic button?

Have a look at this Stalking checklist and use this to collate info and as a framework for talking to the police.

And izzywhizzysmincepies he not just a bully - he is a violent criminal. Using the word "bully" massively trivialises this situation

Liluri · 14/12/2011 14:58

Well done for taking steps to protect your mother.
Can you and she get restraining orders against this hideous man?

Winterdrawerson · 14/12/2011 15:08

QueenCess- thank god you now know and can put measures in place to keep you all safe. I hope you are getting the support you need from the police.

zookeeper · 14/12/2011 15:09

You have done brilliantly but agree he is still a danger. Please please don't follow Izzy's wildly dangerous advice . Write off the financial losses and be happy that your mum has ended the relationship.

Keep a record of all unwanted contact and report everything to the police who will hopefully be able to at least issue a harrassment notice if he continues. Tell your mum to keep her mobile on and charged at all times. Get her a panic alarm to use. It might be an idea to have a secret code word to use if he is in the house and she needs help and is talking to you on the phone. I would also tell her neighbours that if they see him entering the property they should call the police. Talk through with your mum what she will do if he comes to the door when she is alone in the house.

I know this all sounds rather alarmist but I work with domestic abuse victims and he sounds dangerous.

Spuddybean · 14/12/2011 15:45

Wow! i have just read this thread on the edge of my seat. Well done you for being so brave and well done your mum for realising something wasn't right before it was too late. (after all only money has been lost so far - it could have been much worse)

I would recommend the gift of fear by Gavin de Beck (i think - been a while since i read it, sorry) and i agree, at no point have any communication with him. If he wants a response, and keeps threatening at 2am, and then you respond - all this teaches him is that it takes threatening at 2am to get what he wants. IYSWIM!

Original poster
QueenCess · 14/12/2011 16:13

Hi thank-you so much everyone.

Feeling a bit better now. My mum lives a 5 min drive away and is keeping her phone next to her. My dh is sorting out the sims stuff.

The locks have been changed this morning. I went to her early and have been with her for the day. She feels MUCH safer now as she doesn't fear going out to find he has let himself in. We went shopping so she doesn't have to nip out for the meanwhile and I made sure she had eaten properly today to keep her strength up.

We both went to the police and they said they are going to speak to him. My Mum has been told to dial 999 if he presents at her home or if he comes to mine. They have his various names he uses, his car reg, his address, his mobile. We showed them copies of the information sent and his inability to respect my Mum's wishes . They know he now has all his things and he has no reason to be at my Mum's house.

They took the abusive text seriously. I was driving out to take my Mum to lunch and get her shopping and he lives on the main road. Within 40 mins they were there with dogs. That both comforted my Mum and shook her up. I forgot to mention that he had attempted to attack a policeman with a knife when he was last arrested for battery.

The moment I knew about his violent past the money became a non-issue. My Mum has written it off and is aware he may try and use it as an excuse to strike up communication with her. She is going to ignore anything attempts to talk to her and contact the police whenever he does.

OP posts:
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