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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Mum's partner is untrustworthy and I want to speak to his ex-partner-should I?

89 replies

QueenCess · 12/12/2011 11:49

I posted last week but with give a bit of background....

My mum has been with her current partner for over a year. He has lied about the following:

His name
His address
His employment history
Finding work.

She has spent over £20,000 since she has been with him. He has a new caravan and car in his name. She has no more savings left.

My Mum was widowed when she met him and in a vunerable state. She is 66 and he is 47. I have found out where he used to live and his previous partner is in her seventies now.

He clearly has a thing for the more mature lady.

He has been actively unpleasant when I have been to my Mum's house. I would describe him as hostile towards myself and my little children. He turned the T.V up when we last visited and pushed a newspaper up in front of his face. He is curt towards my children answering question with a grunt/yes/no. I no longer feel comfortable going to her house so she just comes on her own to mine. I haven't had crossed words with him and have actively stayed out of the way hoping it would just end.

My Mum was diagnosed with Lymphoma last week and I am very worried. She has had to tell me about going through all her savings because of Christmas but I new really as he was never at work and they were always on holiday...plus the small matter of the new car 5 months into the relationship.

At the moment he is unemployed. It transpired that he has been out of work for the last 15 years......so my Mum has little chance of getting her money back. I really think she is going to need it.

Do I go over to his ex-partner/write to her and see what else there is he has lied about or continue to sit back?

I feel so angry at the moment because I think he is an exploitative manipulator but is it not my business? My Mum is a vunerable person who had a breakdown when she was widowed and I brought her into my home and took care of her for over a year and dealt with all the financial stuff-sorted out buying her house etc-hence how I know how much money has gone.

She has a history of abusive relationships and that is another concern.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 12/12/2011 19:46

This is sadly all too common. You could see if you can get any advice on how best to handle this from Age Uk
www.ageuk.org.uk/health-wellbeing/relationships-and-family/protecting-yourself/

HollyTwat · 12/12/2011 19:53

Queen you're in an awful position and right to be worried. My mother many years ago had a romance with someone who was the biggest con artist around. Someone I worked with knew him very well, he tried to tell her about him. I also met his ex who agreed to tell my mum about him.

Thing is she was infatuated with him and went out with him for about a year until he found someone younger. Luckily she didn't lose too much money, her pride and feeling were more hurt.

Do do be prepared for your mum to totally ignore you. But it might be worth at least telling this man that the house is yours, even if it isn't.

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 12/12/2011 20:29

Can you get power of attorney?

Dozer · 12/12/2011 20:45

This is awful, how worrying for you, you may need some outside advice on handling this.

I would see the ex and do all manner of snooping.

Horrible horrible man.

lisaro · 13/12/2011 01:12

Your mother is an adult. She's been in abusive relationships before. She chose to spend the money on him. She chose to lie about it. While I agree it's a shitty situation, the problem here is your mother. She's enabling this. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it's a fact you need to face. I know this will come across as harsh, I do sympathise, honestly, but I have to say what I see.

Original poster
QueenCess · 13/12/2011 08:11

Lisaro- thanks I am aware of her adult status hence my lack of involvement to date.

I think she has given the money to him because she has been taken in- thinking she was helping him get back on his feet and would be paid back. Coupled with an emotional involvement...... What is done is done though.

Ultimately I am now concerned that her house will be next and she will be sick and left with nothing. If she has very little time left I would wish that she can live some of her dreams. That is not likely to happen as she is just meeting his financial wants at her own cost. She can no longer afford to have her hair cut and was upset that she couldn't buy my children Christmas presents. I have a thing in place that no relative spend more than £10 on each of my children and she was distressed that she couldn't do that. I had an idea things were bad but not that bad. I just told her that the children were old enough now and that we had agreed that no grandparents would be buying so she would feel O.K.

I don't think he will stick around through chemo unless her prognosis is poor. I agree it is her choice but on the other hand she is vunerable/fragile. My Mum accepts very poor behaviour in exchange for being part of a relationship. She is incredibly needy. This only stands to get worse as her illness progresses.

It would be nice if my mum had experienced a relationship of equals before she dies because at some level she knows she is paying for this man to stick around and she is a great person who deserves more.

OP posts:
catwithflowers · 13/12/2011 08:16

Police would be my first call, I think. I'm sure they would be very sympathetic given the circumstances. Am so sorry to hear about your mum's illness.

noddyholder · 13/12/2011 08:31

Definitely act, now. This happened to dp,s dad. He met a woman like that she convinced him to sell the family home and move to Spain eventually. She was younger and he had I'll health but she was determined to get the house out of his name. They did move and bought a property there and she took all his savings as she had nothing and when he got really sick she pretty much left him to die. He married her in a secret ceremony and wrote a new will leaving her everything. It was such a mess. As soon as he died she moved back to her hometown with all the proceeds and her children from a previous relationship benefitted from all his cash meanwhile dp and his sister got nothing not even a photo! I attempted to bring him back to the uk to see a doctor but she wouldn,t let him please go and see the other woman I am sure you will get eh answers you need xx

Original poster
QueenCess · 13/12/2011 08:36

Thank-you everyone for your kind words of support.

I am going over to see his xp this morning.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 13/12/2011 13:59

Any update OP? How did you get on?

Liluri · 13/12/2011 17:40

I hope the visit went well.

Eurostar · 13/12/2011 23:41

is the ex definitely an ex? Not in on a scam on your Mum I hope? Hope you are OK today.

Original poster
QueenCess · 14/12/2011 00:25

Yea Gods.....

Well how do I even start? I met the lady today and she was very open and could evidence everything she had to say. She phoned up someone who was the daughter of someone who acted as a surrogate mother towards him and had known him since he was a child. She told me that he had been to prison for the attempted murder of his first wife. He had beaten up a local woman to the point she had been hospitalised and had gone to prison for a second time. I was given names and told to contact the police.

The exp then told me about her experiences. He had broken one of her ribs. She had locks all up the inside of her living room door and a panic alarm. He had been so abusive she had kept a detailed log. She had to take a restraining order out on him. She had paperwork from solicitors. She had to escape to a refuge out of her own home to get away from him. None of her children wanted to come to the house when she was with him so she became increasingly isolated.

Next came the details of his mental health. He had been sectioned and was supposed to take anti psych meds. He had spent various periods of time in mental health institutions and had been on sickness benefits for years.

He had defrauded her out of thousands and he ran several bank accounts some with fake names. I am still shaking as I type this.

I went over to my Mum pulled her out of her house and told her. She burst into tears and said thank-you for telling me. She had felt increasingly odd about him lately and had asked him to leave over some controlling behaviour and whilst he had left her house he had refused to give her back her key and move his stuff out. She then got her diagnosis and felt overwhelmed.

Next I took her over to his exp and the lady told my mum and answered her questions. We then went to the police to let them know that my mum was going to finish the relationship and that she was going to be at risk. The police said they couldn't do anything as he hadn't done anything yet but if he made a threat dial 999. So at least they are aware now. My mum asked if he had a record and was told that he did but not the details.

My mum text him and told him to remove his stuff within 4 hours, that the relationship was over and if he tried to contact her again she would report him for harrassment. When we went back to her house he had left her a note demanding that she see him to hear his side of things tomorrow. He said he wasn't going to move his stuff out until he had had this opportunity and she owed him this. He also said that I needed to keep my nose out.......

We packed up all his stuff, dropped it outside his flat, texted him to collectbit and drove off once we could see he had got it. My mum said in her text he had no reason to be at her house now and that if he came she would call the police.

We have arranged a locksmith change the locks tomorrow.

It is definitely over. I feel a mixture of relief and fear. I hope he will now go away but fear there is more to come.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysmincepies · 14/12/2011 01:04

Jeez, men like him make me so mad I can feel the smoke coming out of my ears - but when I have to deal with them I am icy cool, calm, and collected.

There will be more to come because he won't let go lightly - and neither will you, Ms Ballsy Lady!!!

He owes your dm bigtime for his car and his caravan and whatever else he's managed to milk out of her.

Bear this in mind - he doesn't know that you know what you now know about him and, in all probability, he will have attributed your dm's sudden change of heart to something else entirely.

Posing as your dm, arrange a meeting with him away from her home in a pubic place and make him an offer he can't refuse which is, namely, to hand over the ownership of the car and caravan your dm bought for him otherwise you will be off to have a chat to the police and the press.

You can rely on the fact that YOU have the upper hand and HE will be shit scared of what YOU can do to him because if he gets the exposure he deserves, his career as a professional leech and oxygen thief will be over, and if you choose to talk to the press or put an alert out on facebook, twitter or other media/medium, you can't be sued for libel or defamation of character if what you are saying is the truth.

Also remember that there's no honour among thieves and any promise you make to this blot on the landscape cannot be considered binding beyond the point that you recover as much as possible of your dm's hard-earned savings.

Please don't be scared of him - he's the one that should be scared of you, and he will be.

SydneyScarborough · 14/12/2011 01:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tianc · 14/12/2011 01:28

God almighty!

Thank heaven you chased this up. But I really can't recommend Izzy's idea of playing manipulative games with a possibly psychotic man with a record of attempted murder.Shock

Tianc · 14/12/2011 01:34

In fact could your DM stay with you for a few days? This is very scary.

SydneyScarborough · 14/12/2011 01:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 14/12/2011 01:52

If this man was psychotic he'd be in Broadmoor or a similar institution.

He's a nothing more than a bully who is not above using violence to gain his own ends but, because he's a coward at heart, he only picks on women because he knows that he's got more chance of intimidating them than a man his own size.

I'm not recommending playing manipulative games - it's about fighting fire with fire which, as it happens, is a course I don't recommend unless I'm convinced that water won't be sufficient to put out the flames.

There's more than enough case history to suggest that relying on the police as a source of support in these cases is folly as has already been evidenced by their response when the OP approached them tonight.

If the police had been 'supportive' they would have taken a statement from the OP's dm and set about recovering the sums that this manipulative bully convicted criminal has defrauded her of.

Notwithstanding the two victims that he was sent to prison for assaulting, the exP that the OP visited today is unlikely to have been his only previous victim. Nor will the OP's dm be his last until the fear of god public exposure is put into him.

Original poster
QueenCess · 14/12/2011 07:04

My top priority is my Mum's safety. I have gone the opposite way Izzy in that I think a total shutdown is necessary. At the moment he is trying to work out what we know. I think the best way is the broken record technique of the relationship being over and contacting the police if he persists. My Mum is going to change her phone today too.

I am a bit rattled as last night at 3am someone withheld their number and called my mobile then my Dh. Not many people know these numbers as they are on a loop with my Mum's. It has never happened before. I rang my Mum but she hadn't tried to call.

The xp I spoke to yesterday warned my Mum that he operates with silent calls and withheld ones in the middle of the night. From the tone of her letter he was saying I had fed my Mum lies about him so at the moment this will be all my fault...........I know I have to be really careful.

Thanks everyone for your supportive words. I get the feeling the police may have to get involved today.

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 14/12/2011 07:16

What an awful man and how lucky your mum is to have you looking out for her.
I would be a bit worried about the phone calls, I think it would be a good idea to speak to the police and have it logged, in fact I would get anything logged with them in case he ups the ante, especially in light of the infor you have been given from his xp. Well done exposing this despicable excuse for a man:)

puzzlesum · 14/12/2011 07:27

How utterly terrifying for you all. I would suggest you and your mum might be as well to get cheapy PAYG mobiles so you can always contact each other but you can turn your main mobile off at night so he can't harrass you.

I guess it might be worth following the lead of his last victim and at least setting steps in motion to take out a restraining order on him?

Your poor mum needs to be concentrating on her treatment and recovery, not worrying about this - I can only hope the bastard slinks away to allow your mum a chance to rebuild her health.

catwithflowers · 14/12/2011 08:13

Well done you Queen for saving your mum from this awful man. Keep safe, be careful and I totally agree re changing phones. Would police be able to trace the numbers if this 'silent calling' becomes a regualr thing? Surely that is harassment, esp given the history here?

Original poster
QueenCess · 14/12/2011 08:35

I am going to the police now.

He has sent my Mum a message threatening my children, myself and her with the express wish that we all die hideously. He did this at 2am this morning.

Very, very alarmed. Am notifying their school etc.

OP posts:
warthog · 14/12/2011 08:37

wow! you must be so glad you did something about it sooner rather than later. what a nightmare.

good luck for today.