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Original poster

My Mum's partner is untrustworthy and I want to speak to his ex-partner-should I?

89 replies

QueenCess · 12/12/2011 11:49

I posted last week but with give a bit of background....

My mum has been with her current partner for over a year. He has lied about the following:

His name
His address
His employment history
Finding work.

She has spent over £20,000 since she has been with him. He has a new caravan and car in his name. She has no more savings left.

My Mum was widowed when she met him and in a vunerable state. She is 66 and he is 47. I have found out where he used to live and his previous partner is in her seventies now.

He clearly has a thing for the more mature lady.

He has been actively unpleasant when I have been to my Mum's house. I would describe him as hostile towards myself and my little children. He turned the T.V up when we last visited and pushed a newspaper up in front of his face. He is curt towards my children answering question with a grunt/yes/no. I no longer feel comfortable going to her house so she just comes on her own to mine. I haven't had crossed words with him and have actively stayed out of the way hoping it would just end.

My Mum was diagnosed with Lymphoma last week and I am very worried. She has had to tell me about going through all her savings because of Christmas but I new really as he was never at work and they were always on holiday...plus the small matter of the new car 5 months into the relationship.

At the moment he is unemployed. It transpired that he has been out of work for the last 15 years......so my Mum has little chance of getting her money back. I really think she is going to need it.

Do I go over to his ex-partner/write to her and see what else there is he has lied about or continue to sit back?

I feel so angry at the moment because I think he is an exploitative manipulator but is it not my business? My Mum is a vunerable person who had a breakdown when she was widowed and I brought her into my home and took care of her for over a year and dealt with all the financial stuff-sorted out buying her house etc-hence how I know how much money has gone.

She has a history of abusive relationships and that is another concern.

OP posts:
snuffaluffagus · 12/12/2011 11:59

Oh dear this must be really worrying. Does she own her house outright? Is there any way you can check with her to see that she hasn't put his name onto it or remortgaged or anything? If not at least she'll still have the house.

Does she trust him? Does she get anything out of the relationship? Ie love/support etc? He sounds unpleasant and the car and caravan thing is worrying..

Have you discussed this with her?

Liluri · 12/12/2011 12:02

Gawd, what a worry Sad.
I think a v honest conversation with your mother is necessary.
Are there any other family members you can confide in, and perhaps call upon to be there when you discuss the situation with your mum?

Original poster
QueenCess · 12/12/2011 12:03

I have tried and initially she lied to me saying he had savings from his business so had bought the things himself.

Recently she admitted that she had burned through her savings and had bought all the things.

I can't really comment on their relationship as I avoid him as much as possible and for the first time in our relationship she has been lying to cover him.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenCess · 12/12/2011 12:08

No no other family members. It's just me and my Mum on that side.

I have had a frank conversation in terms of saying I am really pleased she still has her house as security as relationships can end anytime but as long as she has her house she calls the shots.

I haven't commented on the other stuff just a simple enquiry as to whether he has found work yet.

It has taken all the tact I can muster not to be more explicit because I haven't wanted her to be isolated with this questionable man.

OP posts:
Liluri · 12/12/2011 12:11

Yes, that is v sensible - it is vital that you are able to keep the lines of communication open with her.

I might be tempted to keep on visiting her at her home - and challenge/highlight her partner's rude behaviour towards you and your children, politely but firmly.

Original poster
QueenCess · 12/12/2011 12:15

Do I contact his previous partner or not?

Thank-you all for taking time out to reply.

I don't think he has had his name put on the deeds because he is on benefits and claiming them from his campsite address. Although I may well have to check on the Land Registry.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenCess · 12/12/2011 12:19

Re her house. He just sits there and glowers. I have tried on about 5 occasions but it's the same each time. My children have asked not to go.

My Mum has noticed as she came into the room and said that the chikdren were speaking to him and he just grunted and shoved the paper back in his face. He was looking for a confrontation but I just left. I wasn't playing and I have an idea as to his motives.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenCess · 12/12/2011 12:36

I think I'm going to see the lady....I think there is more to this than meets the eye.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysmincepies · 12/12/2011 12:46

I'm with you on this - the sound of alarm bells is deafening.

I'd make it my business to find out everything I could about him. Run a credit check on him and also check out the Land Registry to confirm that your dm continues to own her home outright and mortgage free.

With regard to his previous partner, I would suggest a visit rather than a phone call or letter.

However, please be aware that even if you should uncover some serious dirt it's possible that your dm won't take kindly to having her bubble burst - although I've got a feeling that the fact she's admitted to having run through her savings may indicate that the bubble has lost its lustre.

Snorbs · 12/12/2011 14:47

There are more than enough blatantly obvious signs that this man is a cock-lodger and/or a con artist. For whatever reason your mother is wilfully ignoring those signs.

If you do find his previous partner and she confirms what a waste of space he is, what then? Do you really think it will make a difference to your mother's view of him? Or is she more likely to shoot the messenger rather than listen to your message?

wannaBe · 12/12/2011 14:55

I would go and see her.

And as above - I would find out all I could about him.

And then, once you've found out all you can, I would A, speak to your mum, and B, let him know that you know.

Because people like him are usually manipulators, and they get away with manipulating people by believing that there is stuff those people don't know about them. Once they're exposed they rarely stay on the scene.

Oh and I'd be inclined to report him to the benefit people.

Original poster
QueenCess · 12/12/2011 14:56

Well that is my concern SNORBS.

Due to my mother's illness I will probably have to be around this individual a lot more than I'd ever like. My instincts are telling me he is hiding something. I'm really stuck on this one.

OP posts:
SantasStrapon · 12/12/2011 15:03

I'd go and see the ex too. I'd dig up as much information about him as possible, and then I would also a) contact the benefits office, and b) pay a visit to the police.

It wouldn't be the first time a con man has left a string of vulnerable female victims behind, especially as he has lied about his name.

Good luck. :(

flagnogbagnog · 12/12/2011 16:28

I totally agree, I'd go and see his previous partner and definitely call the benefits agency and let them know he is residing with you Mum. But just a thought, if he is up to no good, now your mum's money has gone and she is also sick I don't think he'll stick around for long.

DiscontinuedSocks · 12/12/2011 16:43

I would contact the police first for advice before you contact the ex-partner and the benefits agency. Also maybe contact the CAB or a solicitor to get some advice re the car and the caravan. Do you know his real name now? In which name was the car registered? The false one or the real one?

I hate to say it but if she is ill and he has already cleaned her out he won't be around for long, so act quickly.

Tianc · 12/12/2011 17:02

The car and caravan are assets, so I'd guess there's a tiny, tiny chance you could retrieve the money on them if they could somehow be seized. For that you'll need police/legal advice - I know nothing about this, but it's worth at least investigating.

That does nothing for the money that's just been run through or for your DM's state of mind, alas, but perhaps a small thing you can tackle? I'd definitely be going to the police or a lawyer (perhaps getting advice from Age Concern) before going to the benefits people.

TysTheSeasonToBeJolly · 12/12/2011 17:08

I would speak to the ex too.
Even if she just lets you know what you are dealing with here.

Original poster
QueenCess · 12/12/2011 17:18

As far as I am aware she has handed over the money willingly and the things are in his name so he owns them legally.

I am going to pop over tomw to see his ex. Peace of mind more than anything.

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squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 17:23

I would normally say no, its not your business, but with what you have posted, I would certainly smell a very big rat, so yes, find out what you can before he fleeces her for anything else.

Your mum might not thank you at first, but she will eventually.

Tianc · 12/12/2011 18:09

Yes, I get the bit about her having handed over stuff willingly but given the number of lies he's told and his (possibly provable) history, I was wondering if there was anything under fraud legislation.

IANAL and really have no idea, but wonder if that might be worth looking at. Because there's such a wide pattern of fraud - including provable benefit fraud.

warthog · 12/12/2011 18:16

difficult one. if you see the ex and she confirms it at least you'll know for sure.

but he still sounds awful.

flatbellyfella · 12/12/2011 19:02

It would be good if you could get his ex partner to sign a statement if he did similar things with her. IYSWIM.

Tianc · 12/12/2011 19:10

So dreadfully sorry to hear about your mother's illness, btw. I do hope she responds well to treatment and has many a long, happy year once this ghastly patch is over.

FabbyChic · 12/12/2011 19:17

Get some bollocks and talk to this man tell him you know what he is and what he is doing, next your mother will get loans secured on the house, its only a matter of time.

Original poster
QueenCess · 12/12/2011 19:35

Fabby I have plenty of steel.

I could choose to take your advice but this will, I fear, result in her defending him and creating an irrepairable tear in our relationship.

There is nothing more I would like then give him a piece of my mind but that would ultimately be selfish and to my mother's detriment.

OP posts: