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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I get DH to stop swearing at me?

93 replies

Definitelybeautiful · 06/12/2011 18:50

I am not the easiest person to live with, but I am not the worst. I can push buttons and I admit that sometimes I am just looking for a fight. Trouble is that lately DH seems grumpy all the time. When we argue I tend to withdraw and he has a terrible temper. He swears all the time, I am an f-ing cunt, I need to f off, I am a fat bith, the worst mother ever etc etc etc. worse, now this is in front of my 6mo DD. He expects me to do most of the parenting but then makes a big show of being hands on in front of people and then if she is a little grumpy or unsettled he whisks her up and keeps telling her it is all my fault! But really, it is the swearing that is the worst. What can I do to make it stop?

OP posts:

lifechanger · 06/12/2011 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lagrandissima · 06/12/2011 18:55

Me too.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 06/12/2011 18:56

And me.

Original poster

Definitelybeautiful · 06/12/2011 19:01

Maybe I made it sound worse than it is. I love my husband very very much and he is my best friend. Having DD has changed things a little. He always apologises, usually within minutes. I don't in any way want to leave him, I just want to stop the swearing.

OP posts:

TimeForChristmasSpirit · 06/12/2011 19:06

You can't stop him swearing at you. He chooses to swear at you and call you vile names and until he chooses not to or until you leave because you will no longer tolerate his treatment of you he will continue to swear at you.

Good luck with this one OP.

pollyblue · 06/12/2011 19:06

If someone spoke to me like that - DH or not - i'd show them the door, even if just for a cooling off spell and tell them not to come back until they could apologise and start talking like an adult.

Everyone (most people) eff and blind occassionally but to insult someone like that is beyond the pale imo.

Does he realise how foul he's being? Does he want to stop? Not a good example he's setting your DD is it? Put your foot down now.

MinnieBar · 06/12/2011 19:07

You can't make a man swearing at his wife and the mother of his child sound worse than it is. It is awful - there's no justification AT ALL.

He doesn't respect you. You show yourself and your daughter some self-respect and take action.

GypsyMoth · 06/12/2011 19:10

Record him

Then play it back when he is calm. If he doesn't cringe at how awful he sounds and vow there and then to stop, then you have your answer

GypsyMoth · 06/12/2011 19:11

This also works with teens

And filming bad behaviour works too

picnicbasketcase · 06/12/2011 19:11

The problem is NOT the swearing itself, it's the nasty intent behind it. If you can't see that, I'm not sure why you're asking for advice. That is not the way he should speak to anyone he loves and respects, someone who's supposed to be his 'best friend'.

Rosa · 06/12/2011 19:11

Making it sound worse than it is .... Ok he doesn't beat you but calling you a fat bitch and a f c its not acceptable in anyway shape or form even if he does say sorry after a few minutes...... Imagine in a few months time your dds first words won't be' Mummy 'it will be' F**k off'.

exoticfruits · 06/12/2011 19:12

I would only let anyone speak to me like that once-they wouldn't do it again and expect me to stick around!

abbierhodes · 06/12/2011 19:34

In what way are you making it sound worse than it is? Which bit was a lie? Does he not really call you a cunt, or a fat bitch? Apologising doesn't mean anything, if he does it again.
Seriously, if this man is your 'best friend' then you obviously have a low opinion of yourself and how friends treat one another.

My DH and I have had our problems, but we've never used abusive language to one another, not even at our lowest point.

A partner is someone who respects you, supports you when the going gets tough and does everything they can to make you feel happy and good about yourself. You don't always have to agree with one another...you don't have to like each other 100% of the time. But you respect each other. (This description also works for a 'best friend').

exoticfruits · 06/12/2011 19:45

If my best friend swore at me they wouldn't be a best friend any more.
Ask him how you can love someone and call them a 'fat bitch'.
People do this if you don't stop them. The very first time you have to tell them that it isn't in any way acceptable and you are not having it-ever again. Since you have gone past this, and it is a habit, you need to sit him down and tell him that he has done it for the last time.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 06/12/2011 19:47

You are clearly not his best friend, or he would not speak like that to you!

Sorry.

struwelpeter · 06/12/2011 19:49

What he is doing is verbal abuse. Effing and blinding is not ideal but happens. Using derogatory words that demean you is not on. The words themselves have always been used to specifically put women down. That is what he thinks of you at some level.
At some calm moment sit down and either talk to him face-to-face or write him a note. Tell him explicitly what your boundaries are ie no swearing whatsoever in front of DD, swearing ok in private but no use of whichever words you dislike, never ever swear at me again. Say it, mean it and tell him that if he does use that bare minimum he sleeps on the sofa for the night, in the car, at his mum's or friend's and if this continues then he has absolutely no respect for you and you have no desire to continue a relationship with him.
Oh and to make this work, you'll have to be careful not to swear at him. Guess you don't shout motherf*er at him very often when you're arguing?

pooka · 06/12/2011 19:51

Does he also call his boss a fucking cunt? Or would he call his mum a fat bitch, or his sister? Or the checkout cashier?

If he is capable on controlling himself with people he isn't married to, who might kick up a stink or whose approval he seeks, then is ompletely wrong that he can't with you.

babyhammock · 06/12/2011 19:59

Its not just that he has no respect for you, he's grooming dd to have no respect for you either. Picking her up and telling her its all her mother's fault and pretending to be superdad when others are around.... jeeze sorry but you really do not want to stick around.

RumourOfAHurricane · 06/12/2011 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FairstiveGreetings · 06/12/2011 21:34

Do you swear at him OP? In front of your dd, when you are 'looking for a fight'. Neither of you sound like particularly good role models imo.

exoticfruits · 06/12/2011 22:12

It goes without saying that you can't do it either.

carantala · 06/12/2011 22:58

He doesn't respect you and he is trying to pretend that he is a good dad when he has an audience! He's not!

Sort him out, OP, and tell him that you will not tolerate his foul language; otherwise he will be out on his ear!

Good luck!

Original poster

Definitelybeautiful · 07/12/2011 08:32

Thanks for the advice - I think I will wait for a calm moment and talk to him. I know it sounds weird, but he knows it is wrong but he has such a temper and is so sorry. I will sort it out - especially with DD on the scene.

FairstiveGreetings I don't swear at him actually. And 'looking for a fight' just means I am a little narky - are you never narky. I am a bloody good mother and role model, but thanks for your opinion.

OP posts:

woollyideas · 07/12/2011 08:39

if she is a little grumpy or unsettled he whisks her up and keeps telling her it is all my fault!

This bothers me as much as the fact that he swears at you. Now, I like a good old swear myself, but swearing at someone is different from swearing (for example) because you accidentally broke something. For me it would be a complete no no.

He has no respect for you if he can do that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2011 08:43

Talking to him may well prove to be a complete waste of time on your part.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You may well love him but he does not love or respect you if he can treat his child's mother like this.

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